Dark Ages..

Ever wonder why that period is called Dark Age? In Bruce Almighty, God called it the absense of God. I call it, the absense of rest.

This marks the long and tedious three weeks of no proper rest.

Last night I went out to make friends with Jack and we were very friendly. So friendly that I still have not let go the fact that I paid 50 bucks for a bottle of 330ml Evian. Of course the decision to go make friends with Jack was last minute. I didn't leave the office until 12 ish/1. I didn't tell Steve I went to the bar either.

I didn't get up until 12 noon. That was how friendly Jack and I was.

Today, with my feet shot and hands tied, I blind-folded my way through the day with dazed memory and hazy recollection of what I was supposed to do. My team and I have been putting in 200% effort and I am certain my Ladies will make excellent supervisors and team leaders themselves. I have seen and enjoyed their coolness with so much pressure I apply on them. So far, none has yield towards towel-throwing. Just me.

Steve being the sweetest person in the world, sent me some money along with a book. Titled, "The New Manager's Handbook" by Morey Stettner. I read the first few pages with so much interest. I knew this man was in my life for a reason. To make me a better person. :)

Isn't Steve just the most lovable person and so meant for me?

Sigh... I wish I had time for him to prove to him that I truly appreciate all he does for me and in having him in my life.

Dejavu...

I feel like this posting was just like the one I had before. I know I've had this feeling of repetition, waking up and feeling the same thing. Like I'm outside of my body and seeing myself do what I am doing, what I am saying. I know I've said it before, I know I've done it before. Could it be the lack of sleep? Could it be the fact that I've gone for 21 days without a day off? (If I'm keeping count, I'm still sane - I can count!)

Again, as soon as he got back into town, he's scheduled to leave again. I just cannot believe how it is that nowadays I see less and less of him and everytime I see him I crystalise.

And he said it again, "Don't waste the tears..."

And it made me smile. This sarcastic person never fails in making me oily and making me smile.

I wish I could be everything that they want me to be. I wish that I could fulfill everything they expect of me. I wish them to be able to take what they want from me and be happy. And for me, as long as I am earning a salary, I am being paid to be inconvenienced. If I don't like it, I can leave. As long as I'm here, I do what they want and how they want it.

Not only am I sounding like a whining old gloat, I am angry and whirling out my own frustration at every aspect of my life. I haven't seen Steve in days and I have been absolutely rude with him on the phone. Sigh.. For all the choices I make in life!

It was Jason's birthday 4 days ago and only now I had time to sit down and put something into my blog. I promised him I would have a dedicated posting for him on my blog and I am poor at delivering this time. There goes my accountability.

Jason, I will dedicate a posting for your birthday in the next few days when I will finally not be so tied up or tied down.

As soon as he got into town, he texted me to say he's back. I received that text message with a smile and peering eyes in the wee hour of the morning, reminding me I have to be at work soon.

I replied at a decent hour saying, "Welcome back!"

I made arrangements to see him and faced a few obstacle stepping out of the lobby. Knowing and understanding very well that I am the only competent person around here, I am very very important. (Everybody probably figured that I am the only person working)

There I was, sitting across him at Planet Starbucks. He looked different, more relaxed, and still smell the same. He wasn't very chatty because he was jet-lagged. I don't get to see him again until after 7th August.

Yet everytime I get to catch him, I am glad that I do, despite the crystalisation. It's amazing how this job can bend me so badly and elasticity gets be back on track.

I miss Boss. Things are different without Boss... I feel like I'm running forward and have my brains caught somewhere back there. I feel stupid-er. I feel less capable of pulling this off.

Whatever it is I feel.. It just isn't the same. A few days off would be good for me. I should start drawing up my leave form. From all the accummulated days from February...

Even now I feel my thoughts all over the place. Even this entry is stoned, just as I am. I talk about Jason, him and them, all in one breath.

I need some rest. In the mean time, I will keep smiling through this dim period.

Dis-Orientated... Dis-illusioned... Dis-contented...

"It's raining. I'm tired. I need some TLC, yet I look at the next bed... I came home to no husband. This sucks. I light some candles and play the last CD he bought me. Mr. & Mrs. Smith. So this is what it means to long for completion of my being. Sigh..."

"Now you know how I feel. I just walked thru my door to an empty 'home' after a feeble attempt at drinking, just the tv as my companion now. Maybe we are two sides of the same coin."

Anyone who writes like me should be shot. Anyone who understands and feels what I'm trying to say should be also shot so that there are no more depressed people in this world.

They say misery loves company. Somehow that reply I received did not sit very well with me as I felt that there are people out there feeling what I'm feeling... I feel even sadder.

As it is, I have no outlet...

Jack

I am Jack's colon.
I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.
I am Jack's wasted life.
I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.
I am Jack's broken heart.
I am Jack's smirking revenge.
I am Jack's raging bile duct.

It's been 5 days...

Since my last post.

So many things has happened. So many things that should not happen has happened, vice versa. I have been continuously working the long hours with Qert and neither of us has had any proper rest. I keep getting up really tired. I wake up in the middle of the night with aching parts. It's been 2 weeks since a day off. Qert and I are burning out.

Help is on the way and tomorrow, help arrives. It is the only one time that I can associate the word "happy" with the help that arrives tomorrow. I guess God works in mysterious ways because if He didn't give me that hardship, I wouldn't have known how to make the tone of my voice sound so enthousiastic when I inform the team that help arrives tomorrow.

Did I mention that I have the best boyfriend in the whole wide world? Has there been anyone more supportive and more wonderful that this man in my life?

I don't just say it because I can now afford to buy another 2 pairs of skirt, I say it because it's true. An accummulation of events that leads towards the amazing discovery : I will have an amazing husband.

JMA called me the other day to boast about his brand new sports car. Why would I be jealous of that? Kimi is starting at pole position today and it's F1 weekend. That's as much as there is for me to look forward to.

I have been so tired, I feel my brains giving way and I hate feeling stupid.

Kill me. It's much easier and faster...

He's always buzzing just like...

As soon as he got into town, he's scheduled to fly off again. I feel so lucky as I sat across him in Planet Starbucks being able to stare into those beautiful eyes again.

I had crystals in my eyes as I spoke to him of all the frustrations in my life. He douced me with more sarcastic remarks unrelentingly, with no hints of compassion or realisation of my already oily being. I had to see him. He was the only sane thing keeping my head above waters in this whirlpool of my career.

I crystalised and he said, "Don't waste the tears. Do it for something more important".

"You mean my job is not important enough?"

He made me smile through the crystalisation and I feel so grateful that I have this person to seek counsel with (while he is still here)

"Where am I going to go when you're away?"

"You can still come here. They said they will keep the place open even if I am not here".

This man, I could sigh in contentment if I could always have his eyes to look into.

Moan-day

A friend from the past, in town for a couple of days, has assisted in keeping the days light and cheerful since he arrived on Sunday. It was so nice and warming to see him again. I shared with him my fondest memory of him and he laughed at me. Yes, it's been 4 years since and I still remember what it was like having him as a second mentor at the philosophical system we used to be attached and potrayed.

I have grown so much more cynical and sarcastic since. I think I grew up.

"I'd like you to be schooled and in awe, as though you were kissed by God full on the lips"

Speculations is all I have to keep me happy while everything is on fast-forward mode this monday. I was caught in morning line-up since 8 am, and I came in at 7.30 am to prepare myself for this. I was caught till 10 am. My mobile went off religiously as if I was some Big Potato and it kept irritating me to no ends and I got so fed up, I left the mobile at my Reception desk for coordination.

The Monday blew up in my face after 10 am and I realise that I cannot do everything on my own. When I saw Qert, he started the day with an exciting story of the dust mop and I scowled at him.

After not having breakfast with Breakfast Fellowship, I am totally dis-orientated and I lost my bearings along with my marbles. I don't remember which I lost first. But I knew again, I have dropped the ball.

I vented frustration to Qert, "I cannot do this alone! I need my Vanilla Latte!!!"

"You need to calm down. Take one of your Happy Pills right now!!"

I lasted the 3.5 days without the EE-diot without any Happy Pills and to start on it again on a Moan-day didn't sound so bad. So I called Chairwoman and ceremoniusly announced that I am taking a Happy Pill.

Yesterday's lunch and coffee after that was a wonderful break from the mundane Sunday I normally have. Chairwoman and I shared so many creative moments in our very own private jokes on our favourite couch. I told her that I didn't touch that 5 Happy Pills previously prescribed to me and yet I could feel so on top of the world.

Yet today, I had to inform Chairwoman that I did what I did. Dependency on the Happy Pills. Steve doesn't know this "addiction". I don't intend to let him know.

JMA said, "I don't like this guy, and I don't even know him!"

No, JMA, this guy is the most amazing guy ever. He dotes and fusses over me. Anyone who sends me food is worth thinking over and beyond. The ring on my finger, has a long story to it. Whatever it is, JMA got irritated that I refer to him as my "boyfriend" instead of my fiancé.

Come on, it's just a matter of reference. He hasn't even proposed proposed yet. (No, it is not a repetition, it is meant to be repeated. Like "call a spade a spade" thing)

No, the EE-diot won't be able to keep me away from Breakfast Fellowship. Come on, "Ain't nothing gonna break my stride".

Have faith in me.

It's been the entire day since I saw Chairwoman to catch up. The Cats seldom spends time together. Slowly, all that anchors me begins to drift away. I don't ever want to lose the most constant thing in my life, Steve.

"As honest as the day is long, only not as bright"

100th post

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

I like this speaking in 3rd person thing. I love The Fight Club. In the same way that I love Casablanca, you know what movie I feel like watching? Andy Lau and Sammi Cheng's Yesterday Once More. It is one of those movie with the ending like any Hindi movie. Sad and moving. It had me crying my eyes out. Just like My Left Eye Sees Ghost. The first time I watched it, Steve and my relationship was broken. The second time I watched it, was with Steve. He healed me and made me better. I watched the movie holding his hands and didn't cry my eyes out. Now I have better association with that movie.

Just feeling sappy like I was, I wanted to watch Yesterday Once More. I had this urge this morning when I was on the way to work.

I was mostly awake last night, I was holding on to my phone as if I expected text messages. Never again will I keep one eye on the phone at night when I'm supposed to be asleep. So you see, Steve was busy watching Battusai. Today is his last day on leave and he's trying to finish all the disc for Season 1 from Chairwoman. It was 3 am. I woke up knowingly. I looked to the next bed and it was empty.

I woke again at 4 am, and there this comforting sight was there. Snoring and talking in his sleep. I woke again at 6 am, knowing I had to get up very soon. It was tiring, keep waking up like that. Good thing the weather was too cool for me to wake up in cold sweats and cold feet.

My Saturday feels dazed and I was on over-hyped adrenaline and was buzzing. Today I broke my pattern and went to SF for Life is Good. I had to begin dealing with changes in my life. Like at line-up this morning. We talked about adaptation to change and versatility.

Mr. E holds excellent line-ups and I remember it fondly at it was more than 5 years ago that I was feeling completely re-energised in the morning, looking at every brand new day as a challenge. It was reinforcing for the team and the questions they had for me this evening was so sobering.

I almost sob, for it not being what I have conditioned my mind to.

I need to move on to a different paradigm and The Late Supper last night was so refreshing to know that I will marry the right guy who will always be an assistance in my career. "You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?"

Un-sent.

This lady sings my life and I wish for her a safe and secure life with considerate people who will not toy with her emotions anymore. She needs to start singing more radio-friendly tunes. My angry song will stay my angry song and it will remain in my iPod for the occasional bouncing back from sadism.


I love you and I'm glad you love me too. Love doesn't make the world go round, it makes the ride worthwhile. There couldn't be a better posting for my 100th post than this to remind us all that there are good to great things coming up.

Help is on the way and I'm keeping a bright and cheerful sight on it, for my namesake.

Stupid is as stupid does...

A line true-r than the dumb Gump.

Let's say I have had this "cheeky" smile on Wednesday and on Thursday it's gone. It was wiped out in 5 seconds. I storied this encounter to Qert and he has no understanding as to why this entire distraction happened. He just doesn't get it. (No, neither do I. But I have given up trying to understand what I cannot fathom)

On Friday morning, I slept in for my half day day off.

When I came to work on Friday afternoon, I met briefly with Chairwoman to touch base. I received news so shockingly amusing that I didn't need chocolate therapy. And Chairwoman was so sweet in preparing me a big bar of chocolate just in case I needed a quick-fix. No, that wasn't necessary. All I did was a Constantine and left with the knowing news and a beaming grin. She asked me, "What about the therapy?!" "I already did a Constantine."

You see, the trait of a player is never leave tracks. He's leaving a trail of tracks and it is just amusing. He's gonna step on his own toes and trip over double. Remember I said it is not a threat, it is a promise? Well, again, hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

Being with Steve made me realise that there are penalties in life. You fcuk around and you get fcuked around. What goes around, comes around. Sometimes you don't really see that curveball heading right to you. Be warned.

I updated Qert on the information that came out from me so unresistingly. I was grinning like a cat when I delivered the news. Qert asked, "You're very pleased with yourself. Aren't you?"

Of course I am. Revenge is sweet, it does not necessarily has to be mine. :)

I have lived 2 and a half day without reaching for the telephone to call or text him. Although I still feel him at the back of my mind, I know it is all about conditioning and discipline.

Yesterday, I got yelled at by His Royal Mightiness and I am still recovering from that. Throughout all the events yesterday evening, we missed having dinner at 7pm as planned. So we were all hungry. Qert said, "You need some chocolates. She needs to smile again."

Then he said, "Think about that stupid boy".

And I burst out laughing hysterically. Qert is such an amazing person. He certainly knows what to say when. That was such a cure for my evening.

Today, I didn't get to sit down at my desk till about 1.00 pm. I did a quick check on my blog to see if any comments were posted then ran out for an express lunch. I normally choose to eat alone when I'm not in the mood. I sometimes don't have the patience for pretence.

I will pat myself on the back and say that I've done an amazingly outstanding job in keeping away and having a smile on my face. Despite almost crystalising when I listen to Sade today on my iPod while walking the busy buzzing walk.

I caried a different tune to my steps today. I kept an unfailing smile and ate lunch totally engrossed in my sandwich and listening to whatever that plays and sang along to it. The heck with people looking at me because I sing out loud and out of tune. I couldn't care less.

Actually, I care. But that just doesn't include the boy anymore. Let's see in 5 years time what would have become of this person. It would be interesting to realise that the hostility industry is very small and there's always fresh cycle of children to be nurtured and men who are opportunists.

Ladies, listen to Justin Timberlake.

Yesterday, last night and the events before that...

Morbid, Qert called me morbid. I admit, in many ways, I am.

Yesterday was such an eventful day for me. I finally realised that it was The End. Right there, in Planet Starbucks. I stopped for 4 seconds and then I let life resumed back. I was holding my Grande Vanilla Soy Latte and raw sugar when I received the news and there. Pause. My favourite drink at my favourite planet, not hearing the best news in the world...

The morning was already so packed and to the brim, yet it keeps slapping me left and right with these kind of total wreck. I was called back to the office to face Clark Kent. I have already ordered by coffee and lunch from arch-rival of Planet Starbucks. I did not even manage to see my lunch or my coffee before I had to take leave of that and of Chairwoman.

Priorities.

I left the office again to see Chairwoman, if I knew that it included news of The End, I wouldn't have gone back out there. But my hunger for caffeine had the better of me. This time, I did right by it and went to my usual and favourite, Planet Starbucks.

As I was shocked paralyzed with the news while holding my latte, the breath was sucked out of me and I just paused. For 4 seconds, I let me pause. Then I felt the first chokes of breathlessness and crystalisation. Chairwoman offered me a hug. I have another meeting to run into. I will not allow myself to run into this meeting in this mental state. I am too strong for that.

The cheek of the boy who called me "weak in his presense" does not know what that sentence meant. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

Play this game you have no total control over and you will burn.

That is not a threat. That is a promise.

Since Steve is on leave and had nothing better to do than to watch Kenshin, he was such a darling. He sent me home-cooked dinner. Bless... Qert then said, "I have 2 words for you. Faster marry him! Oh, that's 3 words".

Yes, this is the man I will marry. This man with a huge forgiving heart. In a way I am glad that the ring Alice bought for him was lost to him forever. (He left all his accessories in the gym locker two days ago) That is not fair as on my finger, was the diamond ring someone else bought for me as an engagement ring. I wear it because I really like the ring, not because I like the sentiments behind it.

I texted Steve and said that I wanted to go get wasted. He complied with my wishes and made arrangements to pick me up after work and head towards the place where Chairwoman and I cried our eyes out bored. Well, last night at that same place, I was far from being bored. But I was still crying. Let's say last night I was one of those people who gets very emotional when they drink. I spoke to Steve about "losing" my children and about "losing". I didn't specify. I cried in his arms for what seems like 5 seconds and the next, I was laughing. I had to do something drastic like that or else he would know I'm crying crying, not crying because of boozing.

I didn't get totally wasted. I'm too disciplined for that, like I am with many other aspects of my life until I discovered my flaw. I spent about 50 bucks just buying mineral water. So you could guess how much more I could drink. The companion that we had last night were childhood friends of Steve and they used to play in the mud. :)

It is times like this where Chairwoman and I asks ourselves, do you really want to give up all the friends, familiar faces, the relatives, the family knows you already. Do you want to start everything from the beginning? Is it worth it?

No, he isn't worth it. He isn't worth making myself miserable over and that's why I let it die for 4 seconds and then resume. My system has re-boot. I intend to flush away the name tag I have religiously carry in my breast pocket. Chairwoman promised me that it will not clog the drainage. And if it did, and they find his name tag, you know what... It wasn't me. ;) But at least it has been flushed out of my system. You can frisk me and you will not be able to find his namesake on me anymore.

If you know me the way you know me, you know that I have a fad in making the wierdest thing and the damnest fcuked up thing sounds funny. Then this is it. It's my cover. It's my cloaking device. I'm good at it and I know it.

He can keep the pink blade, the pink pig and my name tag. Whatever he keeps of me, he does with 4 others. I hope and wish that all the rest of the young hearts falling over themselves will not become a victim.

This evening is a whole entire different kind of event. If I mentioned I shot myself in the feet previously, I didn't know what I was talking about. Today, was IT. Story that to you some other time. Be good.

Confession...

Hey, guess what. It's a wonder how different people cope with different things. The other day Mie sent me an e-greeting card that reads : I know you'll find a way to cope.
The graphic of that card was what amuses me to no ends, it was a picture of a straw dolls with many many pins attached to it. What Mie wrote at the end of the page "Hi there. I found the right card for you. MUAHH"

I am certain many of us remembered my favourite voodoo doll and my obssession with voodoo dolls. It's a me thing.

It was hilarious when I received the e-card. It was a small touch I didn't expect to get. From all people, Mie. It made me smile and remember that there are people out there who are not all out to get you cornered and toy with your emotions. There are people who cares. Keep a bright outlook of your life and the people around you. Never worry about things beyond your capacity. Someone told me that frustration is a waste of energy.

Commit all unto His hands and "condition" yourself.

Oh now, the confession. There is not only A WOMAN in his life, there are TWO GIRLS and A WOMAN.
The actual confession : I was not disappointed or shocked when I heard this.
The next confession : I wasn't on my Happy Pills upon receiving this news.

Today was the first time in the cycle of a year that I was on afternoon shift. Qert calls it half day off. Yeah... Whatever makes you happy in calling it whatever it is.

I was more annoyed with the fact that I am at work than I am with the news of the boy and his toys.

So it's very simple, the entire "when x bothers you, do y" formula does make sense to me now.

Steve is on leave and had lunch with mom and me before sending me to work. I have been on double shift since Boss left and today being able to sleep in is a little comfort for me. This Sunday, I will leave the office at 2pm. Like Qert will do tomorrow. :)

No time...

Yesterday was a long and eventful day. I was in the office by 7am and already started my paperwork. Boss came in at 7.20am and said to me, "What is wrong with you?! You're staying late tonight, right? Why do you come in so early!"

I didn't know how to reply him.

I had lunch/coffee with a long-time missing mentor. I could hardly remember how Planet Starbucks coffee tastes like. It's been so long since my last coffee session at Planet Starbucks. Along with coffee and mentor, I had a large slice of blackforest cake. (I'm not a cake person. It's the first time I had blackforest since the night I turned 20)

At 8pm, we finally sat back down unto our seats in the office and met each other face to face. It's really weird how we don't really see each other most of the day.

My days has been totally eventful. It's been 3 days since my last posting. The days are strange and I finally understood what it meant "Is it possible to wake up as someone else?"

My days has been such zoned-out pockets of spaces in my mind. It has been such a challenge to search my brain for something intelligent to say when asked by Big Potato. I got shot on the afternoon before I had my blackforest cake. It was as if the blackforest cake was indulgence to salvage my bruised being.

I had The Last Dinner with Boss at Jake's and we spoke of work and of children. We went back to the office smelling like dinner. It was weird to see Boss clear off his table like that. He handed everything over to me and didn't exchange sobs or gluckst. Just clear-cut straight-to-the-point goodbyes. Like the kind of person he is. I said to him, "Get out of my lobby right now!"

He replied, "With pleasure". He left with a limp and an intact frown.

My heart jumped to my throat for 3 seconds and that's all I let it get to. This amazing man who has pushed me beyond my limits and drives me eternally crazy and pressured. This man is going away for two months. Every mention of his departure being "permanent", I shushed him. I couldn't live with it if it happens. I know my career is like a game to the Big Potato, I will never have a say in anything. Yet this is the choices I have made and will have to live with it. I am being paid to be inconvenienced. I don't have to like what I'm doing.

Even with Boss finally leaving the office at 10.20pm, I ran around to the "other" lobby in search of the night MOD and joined in the night line-up. I only left at 11.10pm and I switched off like a light. Just as I dozed off, the sister hotel called me requested assistance. Now I know why I attended night line-up. So I could still be here in the morning.

Whatever happens, I'm still here. No matter how much I moan about this job, I know I will moan more when they take this away from me. My Boss laughed his sarcastic hysterical laugh when I said that. I told him I'm a sucker for self-inflicted pain.

I will still be here tomorrow at 11pm. Steve is on leave for the next 3 days and he will spend it lazing at home and watching all my Sex & The City DVDs and Samurai X Season 1. He will see very little of me and I will see very little of him.

If the "help" they said they were going to send is on the way, I look forward to getting a few days off. I would like to go home and see Steve's dad. And maybe a quick one night stay at my favourite sort-of out-of-town escape, Putrajaya Shangri-La. *Sigh*

A friend dropped by my lobby this evening and shocked the frozen-interior off me. He shoke my hands, I know he wanted to give me a big hug. But it was my lobby and he knows he has to behave. I feel so treasured. In the short few days that he's back, he took half an hour out to see me. :D

Momentarily shocked myself as I remembered Chairwoman will finally be back on duty tomorrow morning and breakfast fellowship will resume as normal. I will be here tonight, tomorow morning, tomorrow night, the day after tomorrow and yadda-yadda-yadda...

Can I take an extended leave of medical emergency? I need to be re-boot.

The rain stopped... I didn't...

"The rain stopped, somehow the pain remains as a constant reminder of guilt.I tried not to text, I failed again. With hopes that I'm not intruding unto your space, this text will find you. The day has been long, I have so much to do and so little strength. Here's my cheer for you hoping you'd have a better weekend than me. Salute"

"Baby.. Get some good rest.."

"Forgive me for replying. I'm not saying that I'm weak because I didn't get any rest, it's because I didn't get someone"

"Stop saying about forgiving you. It's not you didn't get someone, it's someone's love"

"Call it what you want. You're not the one in the bubble floating to nowhere"

Silence.

What I intend to achieve is Alanis' Doth I Protest Too Much.


I'm not threatened, by every pair of legs you watch go by
I don't cringe when you stare at women, it's just a thing called guy
I don't notice your side ways glances or where your loyalty lies
I'm secure and out of me, it's hard to get a rise

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved my much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
Doth I protest too much?


I'm not tortured by how oft your busy, Cause I've got things to do
I'm not disappointed about how you don't miss you me, cause I don't need you to

I'm not needy I don't get clingy much
I'm not scared I'm not afraid as such
I'm not dependent Rock solid, stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

So much energy to prove to you
Who I can't possibly be
So much energy to prove to you
I'm not who you hate for me to be

I'm not saddened
And I don't miss you Cause I have moved on too
I'm not concerned about your new lover
Cause I have a new lover too

I'm not depressed
I don't get down that much
I'm not despondent
I am not dark as such
I'm never sad
Keep Chin Up, Stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

I'm not jealous
I don't get moved my much
I'm not enraged
Not insecure as such
Not going insane
Rational stays in touch
And Doth I protest too much?

"Your silence is the story of my life"

"Silence is not the story of your life. I am the story of your life"

"And the pain and torment I put myself through of this futile cause I am close to killing myself over"

He really knows how to drive me to my grave, throw all cautions into the winds and become like him. They say you must choose your companions well, what they are, you become. I could only wish that it was the other way round for him. To mirror some examples of the people around him. There are so many role models and yet this is ideally the most disintegrated one.

Rain...

The rain woke me up at about 3. The a/c was still on. I got up to switch it off. I snuggled back into bed, remembering warmly of this person. Strange. Really strange. There I have the most fantastic man in the bed next to mine and I was having this other person in my head. As I am typing this out, I have crystals in my eyes just thinking of how wrong I've been to Steve. And yet these crystals are not for Steve, these crystals are for someone else. Someone so undeserving, someone I torment myself with, someone I should just lock out to the outbox of my mind.

I reached out for my mobile and tapped silently, "ILY". Of course I wasn't expecting any reply. Love is unconditional, right? If I have indeed chosen to lay my heart out on the floor to this person, then it is me who will live with the circumstances, not expecting anything in return. Nor could I blame anyone for making me miserable, nor could I blame anything unto anyone at all. It's my feelings that won't go away and it's me I'm angry and frustrated about. Me, who is not strong enough to just ignore this emotions. Me who is wilthering in it..

As I typed this, Alanis is singing "That I Would Be Good". Yes, I would be good.

As the continuous raindrops keep me rhythmically aware of my awake being, I thought a lot. I wish I could just shut down. I wish I could just stop hanging on to the mobile expecting something. Did I mention I was healing? I lied.

There, in the bed next to mine, was a man who wanted to fulfill every craving I've had. Last night he took me out to the night market in search of bubble tea, just because I had a craving on Friday night and was too lazy to go out searching. He made up for it last night. I had my bubble tea and he was my best companion ever. My longest lasting relationship, he's had the most elasticity and proved to be everything a girl would want for a husband.

Yet here I am, with crystals in my eyes, missing someone in the small wee hours of the morning... Accompanied with the raindrops that could almost tell how I feel inside.

I reached for my mobile at 7am and made a phone call, which ended in tears. Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Shine? Why? Will you just let go and forget him?

"You cannot change how people feel about you."

"You cannot make people love you."

"You can only hope that people will be careful with your heart. Then again, your heart is yours to give away."

Shine, for your sake, I hope you wake up from this.

"Do you know how it feels like to depend on some pills to tell you how great your day's gonna get?"

I seriously need to get back to church. Or I seriously need to pick up the Constantine thing again.

I know I've said this a million times, I will no longer call or sms him. I'm going to be selfish and said I am going to do this for myself. For my own benefit. I need to heal. I need to start having this detachment. I need to rewind this and get back to where I was back in March before the entire ordeal started.

I feel so disillusioned. I feel so pained. I feel so broken. If I could crawl into a hole and die, I would. If I could just fade away, I would.

The weather's been so cloudy and cold. I want nothing more than to go cuddle up to Steve and he will keep me warm. That is one certainty I can count on. I know if I did that, I would cry. Because it isn't fair at all....

Day Off...

Days off are very subjective things to very complicated people. Yes, I went to shake my bootie on Thursday night with Chairwoman, but like I said... we were so bored we were crying. Partly because the crowd was slow and we were sitting on lounge chairs that we huge and comfortable to yawn away on.

Steve, ever-so-giving, was working at 7am the next day, but watched me in fascination as I dressed for the evening. My first purchase of a top in 400 years... After which I promtly got dressed and paraded myself in front of him, I fell asleep in his arms... Right until the beeping of the telephone, from his mates, wondering what's keeping us. No one would believe I actually fell asleep in Steve's arms.

We got together at 12 midnight and disessembled at about 2. Steve had to work in the morning. And I get to sleep it. It's my first Friday off in a very long time. It's usually Thursday.

There are details to share, but I won't ;-)

So maybe it wasn't such a bad day off anyway. I managed to refrain myself from sending too many sms to this "wrong person" which the sms was intended to. (Un, don't un?) I sent one sms each hour, only 3 sms from 11 am onwards. I didn't receive any reply and at 2.30+ when I got home, I sent the last and final one. Then readied Steve's bed, the a/c, my duvet, my smelly pillow, my comfortable doggy and went to sleep. I switched off like a light. My mobile vibrated, I could feel it and lazily opened one eye and plugged in the phone to charge. There, all vibration will be gone now. Little did I expect this person to call my home. Then again, my mom is my ally. She informed this person that I'm already fast asleep. (I love you, mom)

It was successful, for my first ever skirt-shopping day. Within 1 hour, I purchased one pair of skirt. If it wasn't for Chairwoman having to go to work, I'd have bought 3 pairs of skirts. (or more)

I slept till 5 ish and got up to begin my Samurai X discs.

Steve came home about 8 and we had dinner at home with my parents. It's one of those days that felt so complete. I wish I could do nothing but this for my entire life. Just meeting friends for lunch, shopping, afternoon naps, animes, waiting for the husband to come home, have dinner and just be wedded bliss... :D

Is that really what I want? I mean, I'm a woman of substance. I need this to keep me going. Or else I might just wither and die.

I had lunch today with Qert. Quick one, I was cold (I'm always cold) and I ordered something warm and drank coffee. Bad choice. Coffee, to an already depressed old prune. I might as well just drink poison.

I'm healing. I can feel it.. I know I am healing because my heart no longer skip a beat nor do I expect my phone to beep or my phone to ring. Healing is good. We all need further healing. Irregardless what pain we endured, it is not fair that we keep tormenting ourselves. And for someone like me who thinks a lot and psycho-analyze things, no wonder I have so many white hair (like someone I know, or wish to know really well...)

Oh well, let bygones be bygones. Still water runs deep and I don't want to stay around to see how deep it goes. To prove that I'm in the same deep waters as you...

It's the weekend, have a good one. I will once again miss F1 for the situation in my life which I have chosen and will live with. Just because I will have a lousy weekend doesn't mean you can't have a good one.

Cheers!

Waterfalls & Rainbows

You know I can't smile without you
Can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
Feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you

That's telling you there will be Rainbows after downpour. There will be better days and there will be good things. There are silver linings. I know Barry Manilow is probably not the most effective way to prove this, but hey, I love this song. I know how to play this song and this is one of those songs that makes me smile. Because it reminds me of days when I was young, "I Write The Songs" (You get the point...)

I had a VVIP arrival this afternoon and I starved for her. I had Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life to send me lunch (not peanuts) to my office. It was such a relieve to have lunch sent to me.

You see, the problem was, I had breakfast at my desk and I had lunch at my desk. It's one of those depressing things I said I wouldn't do again since I've left the Trouble Centre. It's the saddest and most pathetic thing in trying to lock myself away from every outside influence.

I had an "episode" at 1ish in an arrival room, a 24 series. One of these series held many memories for me. Too many memories that as I checked the room, I had crystals that I couldn't blink away. I sat and wept for half an hour before returning to the office. For days that I need to keep it together, it just doesn't get any easier.

I must keep my chin up and keep smiling. No, it doesn't get easier. But hey, I've got my Happy Pills to help me. I ran out of the dosage I was prescribed this month, I have to go home and check my stash at home.

Chairwoman and I have had this night out planned tomorrow. It's time for me to let my hair down and let go. Just go out and party. We're going to do that tomorrow night. And I'm going to meet her for skirt shopping on Friday noon, after my visit to my hairstylist.

I've got great things planned tomorrow evening and Friday after skirt shopping, I'm going to go home and watch Samurai X. (If I don't decide to take my sleeping pills first)

Ed said to me that I will always say I'm fine. And he reminded me of what I used to preach, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I'm tempted to slit my wrist just to make sure I still have blood to bleed. That I still remember what it is like to hurt. I'm so numb with pain that it is the only thing constant with me.

My Happy Pills had no effect on me. I had a "talk" which ended with the tone that I was being yelled at. Again. In front of people on the other end of the line going, "It's her again. Doesn't she get it?" Why I keep doing this to myself only just keeps reinforcing that I'm dependant on pain and dependant on Alanis who can screw up my day.

Remember that song, "You Needed Me"? That girl has some serious dependancy issues. I'm beginning to sound that way.

I went out after having crystals turn into waterfall in the evening episode. I asked for it again. And I went to buy what I needed to become Ms. Constantine. True enough. I had Chairwoman to witness me being a chimney. 3 in a row. That's a lot more than I've done in the entire month put together.

The last time I smoked a packet a night was back in 1999/2000. It was the night my then-girlfriend, FiBi and I had a problem. We sat outside 7E with a packet of ciggie, a bottle of beer. Spoke about the problem we had and I chimney-ed away as she spoke and we both cried out eyes dried that night. It's been so long ago and I seriously have some issues in letting go. Till this day, FiBi could still riled me up like she used to. We had such a good thing going on and then it just blew up in my face. I recovered the best way I knew how. No closure. I just went to hook up with guys. No more ladies. No more. FiBi was my one and only. I loved her and she remains fondly in my heart. When I think of her, I first frown and then I think about how we first met.

I don't know how I can go to sleep everynight. With so much guilt and ringing conscience in my ears. I am amazed myself.

I've come this far, being a Firewalker graduate, I could still be so upset and frustrated about things.

Never again will I want to lay it all down for anyone to trample all over me.

My Happy Pills..

There's many names to it, I call it my Happy Pills. I rely on it every month to make sure that I don't do the oily thing. Hey JC, the casualty is me. I shot myself in the feet. Looks like I will finally learn something.

I know traditionally every month I have a few days that I am hyper-vulnerable. I turn into an oily onion. I normally take two over a period of a week. Guess what, I did two. Yesterday and today. And that day to "calm me down". I need to go get more dosage. This time, I've up my dosage so much more than the last 3 months. Which was strange.

The last 3 months, I had crystals and waterfall moments. This month, (must be the pills) I have been surprisingly calm. No crystals, no waterfall. I think this is it.

Yesterday was my day off, with Steve. And you think, "Why the hell does she need Happy Pills when she is already spending the entire day with Steve?" I thought of that too. But yesterday was a day I dread. If our days off didn't coincide, I would have stayed in all day and took my sleeping pills, not Happy Pills. I needed to put something to the back of my mind. It wasn't easy. It was the thing I wanted to think about least and yet it was the only thing that keeps playing in my head.

I know so many people who could relate to this emotion I have. I know so many people who has gone through this themselves and if only there was a quick-fix way out of this. I've stayed away from coffee for the last 2 weeks. They say caffeine depresses you. I stayed away from coffee because my coffee companion is not around. If he was around, you can be certain I'm in his office right now. And he will see crystals in my eyes as I share my story about my 1000-ton Baby.

Days after days, weeks after weeks, we just have to endure this. Put that smile on your face, pretend it didn't matter, pretend you're invincible and nothing could ever scar you: "I'd like to thank The Academy.."

Yesterday, I had two cups of coffee with Steve. He's a coffee person. I normally watch. But the caffeine didn't sit well with the Happy Pill I took earlier. I think they just crossed each other out. I was back that jumpy self. I wished for my phone to beep, I wished for my phone to ring. I wished for many things and as certain as Murphy is in my daily life, it will never happen to me in a million years.

I received no beeps of messages, no rings of phone calls. No intrusion into my day off. Steve was blissfully unaware that I was there but wasn't really there. How long do I intend to keep this facade up? How long do I pretend before I fall off stage half way with my "I'd like to thank The Academy" speech?

I am Jack's inflamed anger.

Oh, btw, I watched Fight Club. Hence the speaking in 3rd person.

When you say things like...

THAT, you're FOS. I just learnt that term. What part of our daily job does not require us to say things like THAT? I mean, come on, I'm THAT woman. Certainly everything else would and could be THAT.

THAT woman has just realised that there is A WOMAN in the picture and as I have already chosen to retreat, I will stick to my decisions and refrain, abstain, just completely fullstop this whole thing. I am still the older, wiser one.

While everything else is in full swing, I will remember Chairwoman's word of wisdom, "Why the fcuk do I care? Do you care?" Ahh, yes, "Does this look like a face that cares?" Yes, learn it from the woman who is famous for her icy silences and feelings that are so void. I learn from the best. And I will not disappoint her. I cannot be that bad myself, can I? I mean I am afterall a person who delivers.

Think about accountability, credibility. I have that, I'm working on that. I will continuously bank on this as I know, I'm it. And I will be "it" for a long time.

Wish me luck in remembering the lessons taught, the lessons learnt, the lessons shared. I cannot believe how stupid I have been to have been so blinded by the "trust" I had of this person of no credibility.

I don't want anything back in return. I just want to recover from this.

Pray for me that this will happen, for the benefit of my love for myself, my future and my career.

THAT woman...

I have been reduced to being referred to as "That Woman" from "that" person of whom I have tendency to mispell "RETURN". Too many similar letters and vowels.

I abstain from using the comfortable 4-letter word with this person now. No, not the big baby. "The one who had breakfast". It's really amazing what people say to each other over the telephone, slams the call and frown. Then say the first thing that came to your head, to the people you're with.

Sudden burst of rage?

Believe you or me, the child needs to grow up. Be a gentleman. If you can say it, you can admit it. You who told me to be careful with other's hearts does not really know who's heart is in danger. I can guarantee you, and you can "take my word to the bank" that the child will come out of this unscathed.

There's so much I wanted to talk about. Yesterday, this morning, the Live 8 Concert, Chairwoman's first day ever in a medical leave in the history of her career with the JW, so many things to talk about and yet what I wanted to write about is how calm I am.

I remember feeling like the breath has been sucked out from me when I think about how my world would be without "the one who had breakfast". Today, my first bleeding day and yesterday, my first happy pill, I am surprisingly calm. What did I mention about being unscathed? Him only? Surely not.

I might be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
Would I be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation?
Would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
How would I explain?
How would I explain this to my children if I had them?


I've got a crush on you, sweetie pie
All the day and night time, hear me sigh
I never had the least notion
That I could fall with so much emotion
Could you coo, could you care?
For a lovely cottage, that we could share
The world will pardon my mush, coz I have got a crush, my baby on you...


That is two of my favourite and opposite performers telling me what to feel, what to do. And knowing this Shuffle... LOL. Guess what song played after that.... Alanis' Baba. If you are a person who relies on music big time for your moods, the Shuffle is a dangerous tool to have. Or of course if you were living on the dangerous path, the kind of music you choose to put into it plays an even more important part. I'm certain the Shuffle is a great tool, it's just my selection of music inside it that is giving me the problem.

It's been so many times I've said "goodbye" and yet it still aches. For someone who claims to be amazingly calm in this, thanks to Alanis, I am as predictable and as eratic as my heart beat. Surely and jumpily. Staccato Shine?

As I sat here thinking what else should go into this posting, I realise that I am still singing the same words, still humming the same tune, it is repetition. My life is one long Alanis song that wouldn't end. And yet that fuming angst in me will no longer accept this blog as my outlet for frustration.

I spoke to Boss the other day about having a proper channel for this frustration, he recommended sex. I know a great many who would second this. There's a problem with me. I'm shy to admit it... I cannot even find the right way to metaphore it to you. I will just skip it. This "problem" will stay with me and me alone.

I cannot speak further about this channel as my outlet for frustration.

All Fcuked Up.

So it happens, my morning shift called in sick. Good thing was, I was up. I made Steve get off the bed to send me to work.

I'm sorry I haven't been updating the blog as I should. I have just been too busy. So busy that I wish I can just walk away from it all. Then again, you know that's not me at all. I'm too responsible. I'm too serious. I'm too WORK-minded. I'm too complicated. I'm too emotional. I'm too riled up.

You know what I am to? I am paid TOO little. I am given TOO little space for mistakes. I am given TOO little time to grow into this. I am given TOO much pressure to perform or else.

I walked into the office to find the Hotel Manager behind the Front Desk. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I knew it.The day after you day off is always the most difficult to swallow. And I know I have a lot of swallowing to do. Yes, I did get yelled at for decisions made not by myself. Yes, it is my overall responsibility. And what did I learn from this? That I never should take a day off. Everything should be within my control (what control?) I should be here for every decision made about the smooth-running of my department.

I was tied and stuck to my Front Desk the entire day. Not being in breakfast fellowship actually got me all wired up. It is like my daily services. And I've missed that 3 days consecutively. It drives me up the wall. And being in the closer days of my bleeding time doesn't help any to keep me grounded and emotionally on chart. Breakfast fellowship is like Sunday Service for me. I'm an anti-social person. When I look forward to being with people, it is something I am amazed about myself.

I called Qert with quick instuctions for breakfast arrangement. Yes, he complied. I'm only too happy. And I knew happiness like this don't last long. It lasted for like 7 minutes. Qert was counting how long it takes me to devour breakfast. LOL.

I got the Hotel Manager to cover my Front Desk when I left for lunch with Chairwoman, Mousedeer and Cutebee. Quick bite, left my bill for Chairwoman to settle, ran back to the office to find Bapa Tiri waiting for my return so that he may take my Boss out for makan.

The day went by with much frustration as I was juggling everything with one hand on a pen, the other on the telephone receiver, and my legs apart, trying to reach out for the phone, walkie-talkie and still remain close by to the PC.

No, today was not like an "Alice". Today still is a day that He just keeps testing me. One of the days I wish He didn't have so much attention on me. Pray for me. I would appreciate it.

Yesterday, I spent it with Steve. I guess I'm comfortable. I'm contented. I'm good.

Having known me for so long, have you known me to settle for "good"? If you have known me for a while, you know I'm more of an "outstanding" person. Which is why I would probably spend the rest of my life alone. No one lives up to my expectation.

It's probably the "mood" talking. Not the real me. Now is not a good time for me to make any decisions.

Spending the day at the office with the two boys I work with is not easy. No, it really isn't. This was never a walk in the park and I wish I could just be courageous enough to quit. But you know me, I will never walk away from this work that provides sustenance. Irregardless how much I complain about it. Tomorrow, it is the Same Old Same Old.

How do you think I got named Whine Shine?

When people change passwords and locks you out of their lives, that's telling you something. That's a slap in the face telling you to move on. Burn your bridges, girl and accept the fact that people change, people move on and you, you're still living in your reality. Shine, why can't you get it? Why can't you get it like every other girl? This is what you wanted. You wanted to break away from your habits. You cannot even handle not having breakfast. What does that tell you about every other aspects of your life?

You will not be able to handle it when they take this job away from your hands. That's when you will be really sorry.

It doesn't help having my mentor away for 2 months and only back for a quickie weekends. It's crappy not having the luxury of walking into this office. It has been the most constant thing that has ever presented its way into my career. He is only a phone call away and has always responded to my text messages. Today, I texted him and received an instantaneous reply. It made me smile and remember what he always keep telling me, "Keep Smiling".

No, it cannot be THAT bad. Although sometimes I loose track of my sights and think the worse of me, of the situation I am in and the worse of everyone around me. And yet I can still overlook the flaws of this one person, Steve.

It's amazing how patient I have been. Don't ask me why. He makes me laugh and he doesn't drive me up the wall. That is a good enough reason for me.

Some young chap, you know you cannot bred them, you cannot break them into being what they are not. Sometimes you just have to let time make it happen. It is not in your hands. It will happen, eventually. It just isn't you. Don't take it personally, it just takes a little bit of opportunity for the right time, right person to happen. You cannot force things like that. Just do what you can. We can't be rushed to grow up. (Not everyone is placed in a job like yours.)

For all mistakes done and reflected onto you, la-la-la. No pink blades, no threats, no violence. Just know that everyone needs to learn at their own pace.

I take everything too seriously. Don't be like me. You'd end up miserable. Yes, I look tired. But that's my look for this year.

I had coffee (actually some calming Cammomile tea) with my favourite couple (or so I thought) and Qert. The session ended badly and we had sore ears and sore hearts. Neither of us could get some serious work done after that. It was probably the most easiest bashing we have ever left ourselves vulnerable to. We have taken them for granted for far too long. They have had it and they wanted to just kick our butts. We were right there. Whether he was really angry at us ding-dong-ing them around, or he has had a bad afternoon. Whatever it was, it was only right. There is always this chain of events, the chi has to go from one person to the other. That's how it always works. It gets... "redirected". We have been victims of this once of twice a day. I'm certain you know what I'm talking about.

Like Liberty vs Freedom. That's one talk I will never want to get into again.

Listen to some Frank. You know how Frank calms you down. And you know how dangerous that Shuffle is. It plays whatever it wants to and you better skip it when it plays Alanis Morissette.

Why am I talking to myself? Oh yeah, because I'm the only person I listen to.

This weekend it's F1 weekend and I will be government and have a group check in. Qert has already mentioned that I shouldn't be a "hero" about it. What heroism? I take it on and you say I'm being "hero" about it. I know know-lah!

Whatever makes you happy.... Even if you did wash your hands on me.