New Edition!

A very pregnant SC gave birth to baby Javen on 21st September at 12.01 noon.

This follow up post is from 21st February 2005, titled "Good to Great News!"

As 21st September I was too busy batik-ing the night away, I didn't make it to see the new edition. We made it up by visiting the night after =)

A proud and tired mother waited for us to arrive to see baby Javen. A lazy and exhausted father beamingly walked us through the miracle of childbirth.

I smiled knowing that this is what I want. The purpose of which I am born for. To give lift. To continue living as intended by Him. I know they are expensive and I will trade in my freedom for the next 18 years, but I want 5!!!

Time and tide..

After I have put the ghost of the picture behind me, I got on better. I still frowned and I still throw my shoes at my team members. I still loudly discipline them. I still write them up. I got on better in the sense that, I realise that I have a long way to go before I ever become the man he is.

And I'm learning from him how to be him.

I know I've got a good mentor, I've got a good role model, I've got a good healthy infatuation.

All I need now is the strength to be strong when he's not around. At least Boss will be back when he comes back to town.

They say all good things come to those who wait. I'm still waiting. He's been asking me to be patient and that's what I pray to have as well... Patience.

It is always that I have weird lunch/dinner with Jason-who-cracks-me-up. My makan time is so screwed up. I was at my favourite counter with Qert and Jason. If it was not for them, I would not have had any food in my stomach.

It's one of those days where it rains in the evening and you just want to do nothing for the rest of the day except to cuddle up to some love handles. Sigh.

The office is so cold and I long nothing more than to cuddle some warmth. Sigh.

Batik-ed

On Wednesday night we batik-ed the night away with some loud music and wannabe "ladies". I didn't party. I went with my jacket and black pants, just to show off my newly purchased heels.

Those heels were useful the night before... They were really really handy. I was advised that heels that height is good... and is meant to be kept at home!

The night at the annual dinner was amazing... Maybe it was because I was hanging around him so much. It was apparent. It was written all over my face that I could never get enough of him. And the great thing about it was, the boy noticed. The boy was watching me flashing left and write around the auro of the man that so attracted me.

Would anyone blame me for being around this gorgeous unavailable man?

Would anyone not understand why I have this infatuation?

Sigh...

It was such wonderful build up to the evening.. which ended in disaster. She asked him for a pic and he obliged to. He was too much of a gentleman not to oblige. And it happens again.
Last year, this year, next year. Sigh.

She has the pleasure of displaying the picture in her office. Year 1. Year 2.
I had no idea what got into me. I was so upset with him (more myself than of him) that I walked out of there and crystalised.

I can never ever be perfect when it comes to him. I must just be "something off". I threw a tantrum. I was juvenile. I was jealous.

I walked him back to his office and went back to my office. I walked out in the drizzle and hid behind a pole as I crystalised. I wanted to see his car drive out. Then I realised that this infatuation has turned into an obsession, and I'm turning into a stalker.

In the drizzle, I left the lamp post and walked back to my office. I sat and let two drops fall. Then I changed out of my uniform to go back to the party.

It ruined my whole night. I let her ruin my whole night. I don't know why I let it get to me. It's just a picture.

I was with Mel-B and my sweet china doll, and I couldn't get my rhythm back. I've lost my mojo. Mel-B held my hand and tried to sway my hips to the rhythm, and I couldn't get it back. For the dancing queen that I am... I lost it that night.

I went home. I wanted to be alone. And alone I was. I played my Norah Jones CD and couldn't fall asleep till 2.30am.

I woke up and wanted to eat someone for breakfast. Maybe a children or two. Maybe even an infant. I don't know. But I wanted blood.

I was wearing a frown, all of Thursday. I received an sms from him. And I rudely replied.
"I am too hungry for coffee. And I'm not through being angry at you"

What right do I have to be angry at him? What right do I have to throw tantrums at him?

My sweet china doll said to me, "Be professional. Step up to the level he is. He was being a gentleman to her. And I'm sure you would want him to be a gentleman to you if you asked him for a picture."

Then I realised I was being a total ass. I was being juvenile about it. Remember I said I'm always less than perfect with him? Yeah, now I realised what else I need to be perfect. I need to be a gentleman.

Why...

A good question to ask myself that now tha I am in the late evening of the day in the comfort of my cold and empty office.

Wasn't only the day has been boring and the evening too exciting, I was being dangerous. I was flirting with disaster.

Oh, now I know how to call it disaster, when I was playing the fire of purgatory I was having so much fun. Great. I am a living contradiction of myself.

Slap me, kill me, do everything that is necessary to make sure that I will never ever repeat what I said I will never repeat. And yet this thing has been happening since March and I'm still starting to sort it all out...

Please Be...

please be philosophical
please be tapped into your feminity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar

please be the jerk of my knee i've fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter
i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly
and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my


This is my plea, Please make me a lone-ranger-Mini-Lara-Croft

It just occured to me...

You can be nice, you can be the nicest, you are the nicest, and still, people will hate you with such vengence. "I will strike down upon thee with great vengence and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengence upon you."

Jason, always-cracks-me-up, dropped by when I had my lunch/dinner at about 6.30ish. He brought with him such aura that created good and useful laughter and I laughed so hard I nearly split my seams. It was unbelievable the volume I can go when I'm laughing. I guess both Qert and Jason was embarassed to be seated on the same counter as I am.

With words so true from Pulp Fiction, a genius work of Tarantino, I find the words so close to heart and everytime the THX ad comes on in the cinema, I can remember how Samuel Bad-Ass Jackson said those words with conviction. I revel in the knowing..

I ordered and purchased an extra set of mooncakes for the family of the monkey. Much to my dismay, he didn't want it. He said he's in a rush. He would like to pick it up on Monday. I said Monday I'm not around. Then he asked if my trusted No. 2 is in on Monday to pick it up from. Then I said, she's not here today for me to handover to her. Then the line died...

I called again. I left 3 voice messages and 4 sms already and he didn't even bother to reply. I called again. Then I said, "If I have to beg you to pick them up from me, don't worry about it. I'll ask Li Yen if they would buy it back from me". And I hung up.

Shit, why do I always let him get the worse out of me. I feel so defeated in my childish nature of slamming phones and irritating must-have-last-word thingy. I need leverage. Any suggestions??!!

If there is two entries in a day, there could be either one of two things. I must be bored. I must be really really pissed.

Frustration!!

You know how it is when people can't live their live with dignity? I just want to slap them. I am at Qert's desk and looking at a hammer, with such temptation that I want to use this on someone's head. Not that there would be any brain matter to splatter, I am certain his brain is the size of my baby finger.

No blood, no mess, no mercy.

In such dire need of money, he refuses to acknowledge the fact that I did put out some money when he needed it and he didn't even bother to return calls or sms. I am through getting high blood pressure with this person. I am never ever going to do this mistake again.

Through divine intervention, (or maybe not) I found myself talking to the trusted and reliable never-fail-to-crack-me-up, Jason... I feel so sorry to put him in this position. Like I've told Jason once before, if everything was cool, he didn't have to be the messenger.

I love me for the choices I make. I'll be away for 5 days. Out of town, out of reach.

And this frustration, I can let go. This is it. I'm going to do the whole "pause for 4 seconds" to let it go thing again.

I seriously need coffee... And to think that to go through the next 3 days without Starbucks. Kill me.... Stab me with a plastic spoon and give me a slow death!!

Desperation...

In true desperation, I went out for a 1000% full swing party and made Steve and I look like the star couple of the night.

In sheer desperation and will to be the best, I clung on to Steve the entire night and made us look like we were the best, the envy of every couple.

In ultimate pride, I put on a show without knowing I did so fantastic in the eyes of an 18 year old girl.

I love me.

"I'd like to thank The Academy..."

That speech I have done a million times, for that beautiful loser we all are. No matter who gets nominated, there can be only 1 winner and all 4 other nominees are losers. And this loser, accepted it with grace and embracing charm of smiles, not faked but well-practiced.

I lost my handphone that night. But what hurt more was the Braun Buffel leather key holder Eugene got me for my 21st birthday. It was such a manly accessory that I use with such pride, being a Diva of the female of the species that we should all wear pants, my usual "If I was a son, I'd make my dad proud I am a Siew" speech.

Oh, I loved me with such flair for drama.

I spent the last 4 days doing nothing but feel sorry for myself. I ended up pampering myself with manicures, pedicures, hair treatments, hair colours and a new fancy "do-I-look-Japanese" hairdo.

In bore desperation, I watched 6 out of 8 disc of Season 1 of Desperate Housewives. The series got me so wound up that I couldn't watch them continuously. I was going to kill Gabrielle or strangle Bree. OR maybe just jump out the building myself. I didn't know who I was angrier with. Myself or these women on tv.

I am so glad I was off for the past few days. I have done nothing but be lazy and finally get some rest.

I am so glad my day off is coming around again! :D

I will be out of office on Sunday for 5 days. Gosh, I so love me for who me is! (I love my command in English too)

I sent out a purposeful email to state my case, that I need money and I lost my handphone. I need financing. I got a reply saying "very creative writing... very creative... always wonder why you're in the hotel industry.."

Didn't anyone tell you that the HOSTILITY industry is THE industry to be in? I meant hospitatility, of course.

Magic...

There are certain things in life that are just absolutely movie moments. It was as it it was magic...


I told the story of him to Qert with such expression and animation that even I surprise myself. As wonderful as recounting the encounter, it was just as painful when I get to the part where I watch him walk away.

I must be oily when it's close to bleeding time and behold, yeah, I'm bleeding. My legs feel like it's giving way from me and I feel so faint. I feel so as if I shouldn't be at work.

The race is tonight. I have handed over everything I need to hand over to my trusted No. 2.

At this point, since I've been irritated for 2 days, I want nothing more than to make this little 18 year old my ally. I wish she would just irritate the hell out of him like how he irrirates the hell out of me. The way he treats her, the way he "show off" how much a "man" he is with everyone else and his attitude towards her, I really hate it. Then again, in the eyes of the 18 year old, he can do no wrong. (Do I blame her? I've been there.. Sigh)

If there could be a wave of a magic wand, I would make it that these two persons just stop letting everything get in the way and get on in their merry world. And for this eediot to stop treating women/ladies/young ladies that way. They are not toys. Women are treasures.

It is through these encounters that I am so glad that I have Steve. I have indeed found the right man to marry. The entire "perfect" and magical feeling I get when I go to Starbucks, it will not be there for close to 2 weeks beginning tomorrow. I can stay home and sulk all I want. (and save some money not having to buy coffee)

I will probably finish the entire Season 1 of Desperate Housewives. :)

The worse thing about have these 4 days of rest is not having Steve for a day at all. I miss being in his arms and I really miss how he makes me laugh...

In Anticipation of Grand Opening...

In anticipation of the Grand Opening, we were totally broke. So broke that we were broken. Literally. Spiritually, mentally, physically, financially.

We had a little happiness shared by Uncle Vincent CY Tan, of a total of RM 120 :D

I am a little dazed. For the 30th for 2 nights, I was staying in The Tower. It was in anticipation of the Grand Opening. I hardly had 3 hours sleep. Till today, I have hardly had a day rest since 23rd August. I am so tired and literally in a daze. My brain has difficulty re-booting to every day. I am still living in this state of un-wakening.

So many things happened at the same time, in the same area, in the same zone and yet I feel so spaced and continuously dragging through each day. Every thing that I say, every word that I say, every phrase that someone else say, it felt so repeated. It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience. I swear I've heard it before... It was some sort of dejavu...

He came back to town, didn't come around the corner for the Grand Opening. He stayed away. Probably intentionally, who knows. Only he has reasons for his actions.

I met him for 5 minutes in my frenzy day-off-got-pulled-back day that I went to work and retaliated by being in the same postcode for more than 2 hours and not going into work! I was absolutely wearing a frown larger than life and being the meanest bitch.

I took my time getting to office. Equipped myself with my essential music and waltz into thetrain. I wanted to get lost in the crowd. But I felt so outstanding, I knew I couldn't. I helped a lady with a toddler to wipe the seat next to mine so she could rest her baby... I knew that was uncommon. That was not the acts of a normal Malaysian.

I sashayed into Planet Starbucks and was at the counter when I discovered... I didn't bring my already topped-up Mont Blanc. Panic hit me like the feel of two light sabers against each other. I was jolted upright and almost let out an anguished scream.

I ran out of there and into the comfort of Chairwoman's office. I asked her for "help". I went up to 6th floor and asked for "help". He wasn't in his office. I ran to my old office and asked for "help". I needed my coffee to wake up. I was in deperation. I was this close to getting my coffee and I had to just leave my purse at home. I was looking at it, smelling it... Sigh!

I went downstairs solemnly to the breakfast Chairwoman already got for me... and called his office again. I was informed that he has gone to HQ. I seriously need some money for coffee. I was shaking with the need like a drug addict to the coke.

I went back to my old office to get money from the sweet china-doll girl. I ran out like the speed of light to get my coffee. I got in touch with him and I waited to see him at my favourite, Planet Starbucks.

It was like having one of those movies moment, it was so perfect for a minute and then it was just too good to be true. I was having this fantasy, seeing him walk into Planet Starbucks, me at my favourite couch, he with his preferred drink at Planet Starbucks...

He walked towards me and sat down next to me on my favourite couch. This was it. My day is complete. I don't have to go to work. My favourite place, my favourite couch, my favourite person, my favourite smell, my favourite drink. Life is complete. The next thing, they played Sade's Kiss of Life.


There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the skyIt's the color of love
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly came down from above
He led me to you
He led me to you
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

When I was led to you
I knew you were the one for me
I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat
When I lay eyes on you
Ay ay ay
You wrapped me up in
The color of love

You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life

Wasn't it clear from the start
Look the sky is full of love
Yeah the sky is full of love
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life
You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life
You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life

You wrapped me up in the color of love
Must have been an angel come down from above
Giving me love yeah
Giving me love yeah

You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss of life
The kiss of life

I crystalised. There and then, that moment. It was just too perfect. It was my moment. I told him, "Do you know this is my favourite Sade song?"

I crystalised. I always crystalise in his presense. I can never ever be just perfect whenever I am with him. I am always a little lacking in something. It makes him so perfectly untouchable.

"I love him Laurel, I love him I do, and I don't care what you think, I love him for the man he wants to be I love him for the man he is, and I love him for the man he almost is"

With this man that was seated right on the couch with me... I just love him. This one time in my entire life would be the one time I would say I love unconditionally.

He had two or three sips on his Venti Mocha Frappuccino and said to me, "I have to go. I's expected in 10 minutes".

And my whole world just crashed. For a while I thought there is a God. That He was giving me this moment to hold on to forever. I realised the crystals became waterfall. I watch him get up to go away.

I did my last desperation act, I took his coffee with me.

I watch him for as long as I can. I let my sight linger and myself linger in a familiar lobby and excused myself to my old office.

I plunked down on the well-used seats in my old office and sighed as if I have lost everything....

He is just my episodes after episodes of elusive northern lights that never fail to impress me and keep me in state of awe.

Or am I just that young, naive wide-eyed girl I used to be, or still am...?

He's always buzzing just like neon...