Waterfalls & Rainbows
You know I can't smile without you
Can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
Feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you
That's telling you there will be Rainbows after downpour. There will be better days and there will be good things. There are silver linings. I know Barry Manilow is probably not the most effective way to prove this, but hey, I love this song. I know how to play this song and this is one of those songs that makes me smile. Because it reminds me of days when I was young, "I Write The Songs" (You get the point...)
I had a VVIP arrival this afternoon and I starved for her. I had Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life to send me lunch (not peanuts) to my office. It was such a relieve to have lunch sent to me.
You see, the problem was, I had breakfast at my desk and I had lunch at my desk. It's one of those depressing things I said I wouldn't do again since I've left the Trouble Centre. It's the saddest and most pathetic thing in trying to lock myself away from every outside influence.
I had an "episode" at 1ish in an arrival room, a 24 series. One of these series held many memories for me. Too many memories that as I checked the room, I had crystals that I couldn't blink away. I sat and wept for half an hour before returning to the office. For days that I need to keep it together, it just doesn't get any easier.
I must keep my chin up and keep smiling. No, it doesn't get easier. But hey, I've got my Happy Pills to help me. I ran out of the dosage I was prescribed this month, I have to go home and check my stash at home.
Chairwoman and I have had this night out planned tomorrow. It's time for me to let my hair down and let go. Just go out and party. We're going to do that tomorrow night. And I'm going to meet her for skirt shopping on Friday noon, after my visit to my hairstylist.
I've got great things planned tomorrow evening and Friday after skirt shopping, I'm going to go home and watch Samurai X. (If I don't decide to take my sleeping pills first)
Ed said to me that I will always say I'm fine. And he reminded me of what I used to preach, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I'm tempted to slit my wrist just to make sure I still have blood to bleed. That I still remember what it is like to hurt. I'm so numb with pain that it is the only thing constant with me.
My Happy Pills had no effect on me. I had a "talk" which ended with the tone that I was being yelled at. Again. In front of people on the other end of the line going, "It's her again. Doesn't she get it?" Why I keep doing this to myself only just keeps reinforcing that I'm dependant on pain and dependant on Alanis who can screw up my day.
Remember that song, "You Needed Me"? That girl has some serious dependancy issues. I'm beginning to sound that way.
I went out after having crystals turn into waterfall in the evening episode. I asked for it again. And I went to buy what I needed to become Ms. Constantine. True enough. I had Chairwoman to witness me being a chimney. 3 in a row. That's a lot more than I've done in the entire month put together.
The last time I smoked a packet a night was back in 1999/2000. It was the night my then-girlfriend, FiBi and I had a problem. We sat outside 7E with a packet of ciggie, a bottle of beer. Spoke about the problem we had and I chimney-ed away as she spoke and we both cried out eyes dried that night. It's been so long ago and I seriously have some issues in letting go. Till this day, FiBi could still riled me up like she used to. We had such a good thing going on and then it just blew up in my face. I recovered the best way I knew how. No closure. I just went to hook up with guys. No more ladies. No more. FiBi was my one and only. I loved her and she remains fondly in my heart. When I think of her, I first frown and then I think about how we first met.
I don't know how I can go to sleep everynight. With so much guilt and ringing conscience in my ears. I am amazed myself.
I've come this far, being a Firewalker graduate, I could still be so upset and frustrated about things.
Never again will I want to lay it all down for anyone to trample all over me.
Can't smile without you
I can't laugh and I can't sing
I'm finding it hard to do anything
You see I feel sad when you're sad
Feel glad when you're glad
If you only knew what I'm going through
I just can't smile without you
That's telling you there will be Rainbows after downpour. There will be better days and there will be good things. There are silver linings. I know Barry Manilow is probably not the most effective way to prove this, but hey, I love this song. I know how to play this song and this is one of those songs that makes me smile. Because it reminds me of days when I was young, "I Write The Songs" (You get the point...)
I had a VVIP arrival this afternoon and I starved for her. I had Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life to send me lunch (not peanuts) to my office. It was such a relieve to have lunch sent to me.
You see, the problem was, I had breakfast at my desk and I had lunch at my desk. It's one of those depressing things I said I wouldn't do again since I've left the Trouble Centre. It's the saddest and most pathetic thing in trying to lock myself away from every outside influence.
I had an "episode" at 1ish in an arrival room, a 24 series. One of these series held many memories for me. Too many memories that as I checked the room, I had crystals that I couldn't blink away. I sat and wept for half an hour before returning to the office. For days that I need to keep it together, it just doesn't get any easier.
I must keep my chin up and keep smiling. No, it doesn't get easier. But hey, I've got my Happy Pills to help me. I ran out of the dosage I was prescribed this month, I have to go home and check my stash at home.
Chairwoman and I have had this night out planned tomorrow. It's time for me to let my hair down and let go. Just go out and party. We're going to do that tomorrow night. And I'm going to meet her for skirt shopping on Friday noon, after my visit to my hairstylist.
I've got great things planned tomorrow evening and Friday after skirt shopping, I'm going to go home and watch Samurai X. (If I don't decide to take my sleeping pills first)
Ed said to me that I will always say I'm fine. And he reminded me of what I used to preach, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I'm tempted to slit my wrist just to make sure I still have blood to bleed. That I still remember what it is like to hurt. I'm so numb with pain that it is the only thing constant with me.
My Happy Pills had no effect on me. I had a "talk" which ended with the tone that I was being yelled at. Again. In front of people on the other end of the line going, "It's her again. Doesn't she get it?" Why I keep doing this to myself only just keeps reinforcing that I'm dependant on pain and dependant on Alanis who can screw up my day.
Remember that song, "You Needed Me"? That girl has some serious dependancy issues. I'm beginning to sound that way.
I went out after having crystals turn into waterfall in the evening episode. I asked for it again. And I went to buy what I needed to become Ms. Constantine. True enough. I had Chairwoman to witness me being a chimney. 3 in a row. That's a lot more than I've done in the entire month put together.
The last time I smoked a packet a night was back in 1999/2000. It was the night my then-girlfriend, FiBi and I had a problem. We sat outside 7E with a packet of ciggie, a bottle of beer. Spoke about the problem we had and I chimney-ed away as she spoke and we both cried out eyes dried that night. It's been so long ago and I seriously have some issues in letting go. Till this day, FiBi could still riled me up like she used to. We had such a good thing going on and then it just blew up in my face. I recovered the best way I knew how. No closure. I just went to hook up with guys. No more ladies. No more. FiBi was my one and only. I loved her and she remains fondly in my heart. When I think of her, I first frown and then I think about how we first met.
I don't know how I can go to sleep everynight. With so much guilt and ringing conscience in my ears. I am amazed myself.
I've come this far, being a Firewalker graduate, I could still be so upset and frustrated about things.
Never again will I want to lay it all down for anyone to trample all over me.
posted by Shine at 7/06/2005 10:19:00 PM
3 Comments:
Find yourself. No more about how others will influence you and make you do things or decide on things you do not even wish to decide. No more about trying to understand people and why you're feeling the way you're feeling. No more waiting for people. No more dependency on things which are out of your control.
Find yourself ... and you will be complete ...
... be yourself and you will conquer all ...
Old Chinese saying:
The greater conqueror is the one who conquers himself ...
hope things start to look up for you soon...
Post a Comment
<< Home