Rain...

The rain woke me up at about 3. The a/c was still on. I got up to switch it off. I snuggled back into bed, remembering warmly of this person. Strange. Really strange. There I have the most fantastic man in the bed next to mine and I was having this other person in my head. As I am typing this out, I have crystals in my eyes just thinking of how wrong I've been to Steve. And yet these crystals are not for Steve, these crystals are for someone else. Someone so undeserving, someone I torment myself with, someone I should just lock out to the outbox of my mind.

I reached out for my mobile and tapped silently, "ILY". Of course I wasn't expecting any reply. Love is unconditional, right? If I have indeed chosen to lay my heart out on the floor to this person, then it is me who will live with the circumstances, not expecting anything in return. Nor could I blame anyone for making me miserable, nor could I blame anything unto anyone at all. It's my feelings that won't go away and it's me I'm angry and frustrated about. Me, who is not strong enough to just ignore this emotions. Me who is wilthering in it..

As I typed this, Alanis is singing "That I Would Be Good". Yes, I would be good.

As the continuous raindrops keep me rhythmically aware of my awake being, I thought a lot. I wish I could just shut down. I wish I could just stop hanging on to the mobile expecting something. Did I mention I was healing? I lied.

There, in the bed next to mine, was a man who wanted to fulfill every craving I've had. Last night he took me out to the night market in search of bubble tea, just because I had a craving on Friday night and was too lazy to go out searching. He made up for it last night. I had my bubble tea and he was my best companion ever. My longest lasting relationship, he's had the most elasticity and proved to be everything a girl would want for a husband.

Yet here I am, with crystals in my eyes, missing someone in the small wee hours of the morning... Accompanied with the raindrops that could almost tell how I feel inside.

I reached for my mobile at 7am and made a phone call, which ended in tears. Why do you keep doing this to yourself, Shine? Why? Will you just let go and forget him?

"You cannot change how people feel about you."

"You cannot make people love you."

"You can only hope that people will be careful with your heart. Then again, your heart is yours to give away."

Shine, for your sake, I hope you wake up from this.

"Do you know how it feels like to depend on some pills to tell you how great your day's gonna get?"

I seriously need to get back to church. Or I seriously need to pick up the Constantine thing again.

I know I've said this a million times, I will no longer call or sms him. I'm going to be selfish and said I am going to do this for myself. For my own benefit. I need to heal. I need to start having this detachment. I need to rewind this and get back to where I was back in March before the entire ordeal started.

I feel so disillusioned. I feel so pained. I feel so broken. If I could crawl into a hole and die, I would. If I could just fade away, I would.

The weather's been so cloudy and cold. I want nothing more than to go cuddle up to Steve and he will keep me warm. That is one certainty I can count on. I know if I did that, I would cry. Because it isn't fair at all....