Dejavu...

I feel like this posting was just like the one I had before. I know I've had this feeling of repetition, waking up and feeling the same thing. Like I'm outside of my body and seeing myself do what I am doing, what I am saying. I know I've said it before, I know I've done it before. Could it be the lack of sleep? Could it be the fact that I've gone for 21 days without a day off? (If I'm keeping count, I'm still sane - I can count!)

Again, as soon as he got back into town, he's scheduled to leave again. I just cannot believe how it is that nowadays I see less and less of him and everytime I see him I crystalise.

And he said it again, "Don't waste the tears..."

And it made me smile. This sarcastic person never fails in making me oily and making me smile.

I wish I could be everything that they want me to be. I wish that I could fulfill everything they expect of me. I wish them to be able to take what they want from me and be happy. And for me, as long as I am earning a salary, I am being paid to be inconvenienced. If I don't like it, I can leave. As long as I'm here, I do what they want and how they want it.

Not only am I sounding like a whining old gloat, I am angry and whirling out my own frustration at every aspect of my life. I haven't seen Steve in days and I have been absolutely rude with him on the phone. Sigh.. For all the choices I make in life!

It was Jason's birthday 4 days ago and only now I had time to sit down and put something into my blog. I promised him I would have a dedicated posting for him on my blog and I am poor at delivering this time. There goes my accountability.

Jason, I will dedicate a posting for your birthday in the next few days when I will finally not be so tied up or tied down.

As soon as he got into town, he texted me to say he's back. I received that text message with a smile and peering eyes in the wee hour of the morning, reminding me I have to be at work soon.

I replied at a decent hour saying, "Welcome back!"

I made arrangements to see him and faced a few obstacle stepping out of the lobby. Knowing and understanding very well that I am the only competent person around here, I am very very important. (Everybody probably figured that I am the only person working)

There I was, sitting across him at Planet Starbucks. He looked different, more relaxed, and still smell the same. He wasn't very chatty because he was jet-lagged. I don't get to see him again until after 7th August.

Yet everytime I get to catch him, I am glad that I do, despite the crystalisation. It's amazing how this job can bend me so badly and elasticity gets be back on track.

I miss Boss. Things are different without Boss... I feel like I'm running forward and have my brains caught somewhere back there. I feel stupid-er. I feel less capable of pulling this off.

Whatever it is I feel.. It just isn't the same. A few days off would be good for me. I should start drawing up my leave form. From all the accummulated days from February...

Even now I feel my thoughts all over the place. Even this entry is stoned, just as I am. I talk about Jason, him and them, all in one breath.

I need some rest. In the mean time, I will keep smiling through this dim period.