Embracing Murphy

I was asked to embrace and accept Murphy. Why Murphy? Anyone BUT.

And so it seems that I must close my eyes, accept and do not live in denial of Murphy. Sod it. It will never happen.

What team spirit?!

Breakfast fellowship...

Breakfast fellowship has proven to be somewhat of a routine for this habitual creature, me. What do you mean there is no such things as habit? We all have a pattern and we all have our habits. It's this pattern that I have that I'm trying to break. Not the breakfast fellowship, it's the other pattern.

We had a special guests at the fellowship today. Sort of like an invited speaker to preach to us. Well, he did little preaching, but he did manage to pollute our air a bit (or a lot.. depending where you sat) Thank you, guest speaker, for the drink this morning. Salute!

I'm going bonkers.

The mis-spelt "return". The comforting 4-letter word. The pattern of the right person to whom my sms are meant for : The only person I've been texting religiously.... It's been such a pattern, such a habit that I've been sending the wrong text to the wrong person. (Yes, this may have something to do with me being dim AND dim-witted)

Boss came back today. It was when I was just leaving the office for breakfast fellowship. It's good to have him back, although with much more cynical news and unwarrented information, it was still good to have him back. It's about time some jazz (or heavy rock) starts to play back in this office.

The office rang with my laughter when Boss delievered to me and Qert some news about his conditions. Boss said, "That's it. She's lost it. The last piece of screw is undone". I was still laughing.

What little laughs I get nowadays, just leave me be... Let me laugh. Be it sarcastic, funny ha-ha or funny weird, just let me laugh. I know I'm losing it. It's as certain as I will be here till 10 pm tonight. It is happening slowly, but surely. You can count on it. My mentor before this mentor said to me, (Bless his heart, he is now in heaven) "Take my word to the bank that you will be left alone to swim".

Not really comforting to hear from my ex-mentor but he has always been kind enough to listen to me off-property.

I'm left with words of my ex-mentor that I cannot take to the bank because they mean nuts to anyone else but me... I'm psycho-analysing everything and I'm looking forward to Thursday as my day off. Steve took the day off to join me in bat-ting it and Mr & Mrs us.

It's the usual... Our days off together is normally packed with movies. Because we spend so little time together already, we still want to spend it in the dark with other strangers. I don't get it?

Never mind. I don't get a lot of time with Steve. I'll be happy with what I get.

I only hope that I will be able to get the day off on Thursday....

For What It's Worth...

I. Still. Love. You. 27 June 2005 3.41 pm

I want to grow up and be with you but you can't wait... I have some problem I need to settle. 27 June 2005 6.35 pm

The Return...

As I typed the title to this post, I so automatically typed the words "reu" and forgotten about my "t". Yes, this is one of those time I deserve a slap for being dim and dim-witted. I'm open for slaps.

Yesterday ended pretty early for me. I ran off with my despatch Crumpler bag. Leaving my "girlfriend" at my desk doing her happy clicking. I changed out of my Lufthansa Airlines uniform and went back to the office to pick up my "girlfriend". We were getting a lift from my "boyfriend". It was barely 5 and I have left for the day. One of those days I feel like I strike lottery... Steve came back to have lunch with me yesterday.

I remember when's the last time we saw a movie together. I remember when's the last time we held hands and felt like this was the ideal relationship. I remember when's the last time he met me for lunch. I remember these details like it was just yesterday. Goes to show just how many times I've been out with Steve in the last 2 years.

I remember when's the last time he took me out for a drive. It was the night my mom made him do it because I complaint I smell like home. I remember the drive to my favourite highway. I remember looking out the window and having the winds through my hair. I remember our last appearance with my friends as a couple. I remember everyone looking at us like we belong.

I had an evening nap. It's been ages since I've lain in his arms and fell asleep. And this is the man I have been living with for the past 8 months.

Last night we went to PS Boutique to buy dinner for the family. I returned home with a key chain for the each of us and food.

I was so clingy yesterday night I am not certain if it was the chains of event that happened yesterday morning/noon/afternoon or if it was that I felt like we truly belong. It was one of those nights that I will remember because it has been so few. Is it comforting to know that I will have these little joys with this man for the rest of my life?

He spent time doing what I enjoy, watching CSI, followed by a movie of my choice.

JLo's The Wedding Planner. Was I trying to tell him something or was I trying to convince myself something? (I am so complicated sometimes, I wish I wasn't)

We went to bed after the movie and I fell asleep before finishing my prayers....

Yesterday evening was so comfortable without the mobile ringing and without beepings of text messages. Without sudden scares, without unexpectant "private number" phone calls. It was peace of mind. I had no cravings for Alanis' tunes or lines. I was just being myself with this man. It was comfortable. Is comfortable the state to be in with the one you love?

When you think you're down and need a hug, consider that there could be other people who needs your hug more than you need theirs. I thought my morning/noon/afternoon was bad until I walked into the Angel. I hugged her for my selfish being that needed a hug. She hugged me for the feeling that she was down and below, but offering me solace. I returned it as she spent some time leaning on my shoulders and having crystals in her eyes.

The moral of the Angel montage is, when you think you have given it all, you are still strong enough to give a little bit more... Never feel defeated and never feel alone in the emotions that overwhelms you and sometimes threaten to take over.

No More ILYs

No More I Love You's.

It's always that way. You weigh your options, think over it, and hope that you make the right choice. Women being creatures with such mind-holiday skills in changing their minds every so often, I know I will probably falter with the choice I made. But you know what? This is the time to round up my ammunition and my infantry.

Do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon?

I'm doing the lyrical analysting again. I'm using her words again, she's singing my life again..

Let's name 30 good reasons why we shouldn't be together.
...
All of which could be easily refuted

I've been wanting your undivided attention, I like the fact that you're nothing like me.

I should stop all these lyrical nonsense. I said I will shine through this, didn't I? Then I will. Slap me if I do look a little dim. (Not dim-witted, dim.. like not like my usual self)

Whatever makes you happy...

This post is specially dedicated to all of us who has difficulties swallowing, not when surprised, more of like us who doesn't know when to back down. I have a feeling you know what I'm talking about.

I don't know how to stand down. I don't know how to retreat. When I go all out, I go all out. I realise it is the same as well when it comes to people unto your emotions. They go all out, to ruin and destroy your feel-good. They put in extra efforts in the morning. You know why...? What goes around, comes around. An eye for an eye, remember?

Get In. Get Out. Get Even.

I already didn't have a good start to the morning. My Boney M CD played a song and died on me, so did my Frank's Duets Album, and then did my Shania Twain. All my feel-good mojo disappeared when breakfast fellowship was dispersed thanks to the term "overslept". I'm a pattern person. This morning, my morning was totally berserk. It was haywire. One thing is constant. I will be conducting the line-up at 8.45 am. That is one certainty I can count on. And I have to motivate myself in order to motivate the team. And I am not there. Where ever there is.

It's these chain of events, one thing leading to another... Now I have to consider the consequences that I have rubbed off the wrong way with the team and they may not be as productive as they should.

Since I'm in my "whatever" mood, I should just go and get that fcuk shirt Chairwoman and I have been dying to get. I wear it and I don't need to say a thing. The first one reads, "Don't Make Me Say It". The second one reads, "Whatever".

Whatever makes you happy... Whatever. I wish you would just get what you need from me and leave me be. If you need to trample on me to feel better about yourself, go ahead. If you need to be using me as your emotional toilet and flush it all out on me, do it. Be my guest. Whatever it is you want from me, take it and just leave me alone.

Yes, I'm in an angry state of mind today. I will chew you up. Don't make me. Don't even tempt me.

Steve comes home today and I will finish early to see him. For the sake of my relationship, I don't want to be rubbing him the wrong way. I don't want to be bringing these to him. I don't want to take it out on him. He deserves better. And I will keep my temper and emotions in check and not spill it out onto him. I haven't seen him in 2 days. I want to see him happy...

I know he's worth it.

We may not sing the same tunes, we may not speak the same language. But when I am with him, I feel loved. He steps up to be the man and releases me so much of the burden on my shoulders, when I always feel like I need to be the man. And every other I meet is not good enough. If Steve wasn't good enough, would we have lasted 2 years?

Chairwoman asks me to consider again and don't be too rushed into saying another "whatever" when it comes to Steve. Thank you for reminding me. Thank you for being so considerate. Thank you for being supportive. Thank you for being the best girlfriend to me.

I've gone so comfortable with Steve that even my unexpressed wishes are met. Tell me is that classic RC or what? And he's not even from RC background. He just loves me lah....

I know JC is resisting a remark, "I bet he wasn't always like that". No he isn't always like that. It's that he meets the mark more often than any of you all add up. If he was always like that, the benchmark would have been higher and I would have insisted he marry me immediately.

Again.. whatever makes you happy... (in whatever context you want to read it, receive it, perceive it)

Have a good weekend. And to the rest of us, have a good working weekened.

Herbie...

Herbie's back!

He's meant to be so air-tight, I was informed. And it was only this morning that the breakfast fellowship was informed of Herbie's return, after 9 months. So Qert waited with baited breath...

I was on my usual route back to the office when I got flashed. This time, I noticed coz I understood the Herbie language. I ran with joy towards Herbie. :D So perfect, so lovely, so adorable, so suited to the iPod....

I had a short swing-by the office by Herbie.

I am so excited, I need to take pictures after pictures! I cannot wait...

First, my smartly dressed "captains" of the lobby, now Herbie. Tell me all good things come in white. (I regret it the second I typed it) So you gorgeous anonymous man, don't be thinking what I know you will be thinking! I was talking about an iPod to match it all! Not that!

I met a friend from the past for drinks at our newly opened outlet, with ladies in skirts that ladies don't normally wear. The good thing was, the counter was slightly wider than the usual one, so you can forget about leaning over and slipping her some tips.

It was like the most Murphy thing that could happen today. His Royal Highness took a seat in front of us and pointed at The German. LOL!!

I couldn't help but run. I did. With speed of light. Out of the building. That's when I got flashed by Herbie.

Please tell me that it is all a chain of events that will phase out and pass on.

The Chairwoman has been giving me the looks. She's annoyed with me over Baby. I don't blame her. I'm annoyed with myself over Baby. For the pinnacle of control and steers of arms-length-ing I didn't manuever it very well. Nor am I going to admit defeat. I will not back down and I won't be cornered. I know I'm going to be the one coming out of this alive, not surviving, but without a scratch.

Last night was an encouter I don't want to relive. I was in my "whatever" mood and anything goes. You know how annoyed I was with myself for the choices I make and I am living with the consequences. Whatever happened to status-quo?

I'm not creating casualties, JC. It's the casualties that be. Watch "The Sweetest Things". The first 15 minutes will tell you all about it.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Mr. & Mrs. Smith was an over-rated show, in my humble opinion. Then again, when are my opinions humble? Or, when am I humble? It's strange for someone like me to be in the hostility industry. It's so challenging and humbl-ing. Would do good for this big-ass ego of mine. Ha ha, what did Qert say about improper English? I live and breath improper English. Bite me!

Jin-wanna-be-dorg next life said, "Comfortable-r". Heh. That's the person who responds to my "kambing". It's going to be sad to have you gone. Where are you to find crowds like us who would understand "comfortable-r"?

It was my day off yesterday. Still armed with an alarming cough and a throat sore as sandpaper, I ventured into the streets just like everyone else. It was probably the first time I've been to the cinema on a Thursday. For an semi-afternoon movie time, it was awfully full and crowded with teenagers in school uniform. Surprise surprise, the movie is rated 18+.

This morning during breakfast, Qert shared his amazing in-sight on how ironic things can get. A piece of chicken ending up next to an egg on your rice.

Isn't it always that way? Chicken kebab store and you have this logo of a chicken with the thumbs up sign. It's like the chicken eating your kuey teow.

Daily breakfast fellowship proves to be more and more entertaining with humour as dry as my throat. It has now resulted in permanent headaches and smiles so fake I could freeze the Ice Queen herself.

No, Qert, you cannot get sick and let me run the building. I'll tear it to the ground with such vengence and hatred like Carrie. (In Carrie, not as in Bradshaw)

I was calling a Bank the other day to speak to an Executive Secretary. While they placed me on hold to get her on the line, the on-hold music was "Friday I'm In Love." Just goes to show that The Cure isn't all that radio-unfriendly or nor they are too un-fad. It's just a thing nobody really catches.

What's been curing me all these while is Alanis Morissette. I did a Google and came across someone else's blog. I sincerely hope it is a tribute and salutation that I put her blogspot on mine.
Here's to all Alanis-ettes...

http://quasifictional.blogspot.com/2004_12_01_quasifictional_archive.html

Victoria..

How many "Victoria"s do I need to have in one lifetime? I'm through with all the "Victoria"s ever. And to think that I was going to name my first child Chanel Victoria. You know what, I'll stick to the mono-syllable names Steve and I came up with. Our first girl will be Pat. Our first boy will be Tim.

Simple mono-syllable names. No confusion. Nothing. (Of course I know Pat will get bullied in school, can you imagine if they call her name twice... Like.. Tim-Tim. Err.. You get the idea!)

I'm still deciding on Pat's name. Let me know if any mono-syllable names pop up in your head. Should be good to share. It's still a stretch away on name choosing, I haven't even chosen a husband yet. *Shrug*

But just to let you know, I'm done with "Victoria"s. You know like sometimes how come you can get so "allergic" to certain names. It's one of those. In fact, I've lived and conquered Alice-in-red. I'm living with the fact that Alice will be able to call me ugly names. And will be able to say, "That's the bitch that stole my boyfriend". I've lived the horror of Alice-days and I prevailed and won. Alice who is just next door, Alice who visits the Gourmet quite often with her team, Alice who is not as pretty as me. (Heh)

You know, people like me lives in shadows of others. People like me who has such a "cloaking device". Looks so tough and is so frail. I hate myself for having this insatiable child-like whims that needs to be strokes ever so often.

It's one of those days and from now onwards, I will begin calling "one of those days" as an "Alice".

Murphy & Me...

Murphy loves me. He's been loving me his style for the last few days. You know they tell me that when you have negative thoughts you attract negative things. I believe it. Maybe because I believe in it that's why I'm living it.

Maybe because I believe in Murphy that's why Murphy finds me. I'm a believer.

I should stop thinking about Murphy and that we're "jinxed".

"What's with you and words?" Yeah, tell me. I want to know also.

I replied, "It's an intellectual game I enjoy playing." Come on. I'm stupid. Of course I love to learn more.

I'm the most accident prone person, the blur-est, the slowest, everything. I just need to feel intelligent sometimes, you know.. Don't blow my cover.

You know I spoke about being vulnerable.. Wel,, I've gone a little more than vulnerable now. It's like I've got no skin on these bones no more. I've laid it all out and stated my case. Yeah, now the fear of having it thrown back in your face.

The fear happened last night. I am no longer in control of my own emotions. I've been depending on this anchor. Yes, JC, I am doing it again, huh. Only this time I couldn't have chosen a worse anchor. I chose the worst. Congratulate me in how I always seem to be able to find the worse in people.

A fact to be amazed of. Steve and I have been together since Feb 2003.

Being the person who sometimes needs reminder via sms, I deleted all of his sms today. Be it sweet or be it mean, I deleted it. I no longer want to seek comfort in that. I rather just rely on myself...

Remind me. It's all about me.

Farewell...

I wanted to name this posting "Farewell & something" sort of like the George Michael's Angels & Cowboys. I wanted to be "canggih"... Heh. Tough trying, coz today, I feel less than normal. Like my brain is still dead or just not functioning. (Well, like most of my everyday, just today a little more) So you can imagine how stupid I feel today.

Last night we had a get-together to celebrate Jin-wanna-be-dorg-next-life's farewell and Chairwoman's birthday thingy.

I stayed at work till 9.30 + and went home to shower and get back on the track to do some cucuk langit with colleagues... It was good fun. I sweat a lot on the dance floor with the Dancing Queen. She belongs on the dance floor. If the place had a podium, she belongs there... I try but well... Like Rick said, "All of us try, you succeed".

Thank you Jin for all you have been to me. And you will still be fondly remembered as the person who sends me peanuts, being the one who earns peanuts. Who will be sending me peanuts now?

You have been such a comforting person to have around. You listened and you were gross, and you were everything a listener and trainer is. Thank you.

I will miss you. And I know I am not the only person who will miss you. A lot of us will. Qert said to me last night, "I can't believe CJ is leaving..."

So surreal.

Last night was good fun and I wish nights like that were more. However the morning is difficult and the afternoon a drag.

Thanks to Russell Peters, the Saturday for Boss and myself is very much tolerable. Thank you Qert for the introduction. I kidnapped your Mont Blanc and kept it in my breast pocket, now you know where it's been.

Thank you for your "ILYs".

Mr. & Ms. Shine..

It's the cutest thing ever. You should see it. Even DHL get confused. I'm not trying to say anything, nor am I trying to say nothing. Maybe I brought it upon me. Maybe I'm doing that thing I do.

Either way, I had two off days back to back. That felt good for a while, until I went back to the office... (Big mistake) I managed to get Wednesday and Thursday off. I know I deserve it because on Tuesday, I was here till 1 am from 7 am that same morning. When I thought that my maximum working hours is at 17 hours and 15 minutes, I went a little further that Tuesday. I did 18 hours and 10 minutes.

But I wasn't productive after 17 hours. I made some blunders and Boss "counselled" me in front of heavy-breathing Way the next afternoon. Yes, it's my day off and yes, I went back to the office. AND yes, I did the same thing the next day.

It was Chairwoman's birthday on Wednesday. I made arrangements for lunch at Planet Hollywood and dinner at TGI Fridays. Lunch was good, dinner was amazing. I snapped some really good pictures... It was good.. It was so good I wish days like that were more. The company was amazing. I couldn't have picked a better crowd. Thank you, all...

Thursday I did it again. I met Chairwoman for lunch and went back to office. Bad idea.

Thursday afternoon was traumatic. Thursday night was nail-biting. All in all, I'm glad Thursday is over and I am back in the office.

Good lines to remember when the going gets tough :

"Wow, Fridays on a Wednesday!"

"Sundae on a Thursday? Like Fridays on a Wednesday?"

There's something that caught my mentor and I the other day, it was something I said. He said it will make very good lyric. I didn't write it down and it has left my grasp just as quickly. It was so worth blogging.

"It's a tune I love to sing...?? " Something to that effect, no?

I'll try to stay positive and have a good and productive week ahead. Somehow know it is very distant, but cannot be too distant... I will remember and keep hanging on and hope and pray that some good things will come my way. I'll remember and be grateful that I still have you. Each and every one of you.

Thank you...

Dinner

I have to keep tongue in cheek when I read that I'm "doing it again". I'm always pulling a Shine. I'm always doing "it".

Has there been a time when I was so vibrant and attractive, you wanted me and just knew you cannot have me? It's not me, it's you.

Take that.

Last night I ran out of my Boss and left for dinner with Jin, wanna-be-dorg-next-life and Chairwoman. Days with Jin is short and few left, must cherish... I literally ran out of Boss and my favourite couple. I called them to personally apologise for sending in replacement of my Boss instead of the usual charming me... :-) I pity them for that. (Don't tell Boss I said that)

Dinner was good, dessert is good, the company is good, the location is good. It was just amazing. It was a Monday and I managed to have dinner with people I can call friends instead of colleagues. I keep those, not the colleagues. I have friends of few and far between. Thank you for being one. I know most everyone is on my shit-list....

Today, I followed up with my favourite couple on their lengthy chat with Boss last night. They invited me to join them for breakfast (oh-so-sweet) I apologised about last night and politely excused myself. The day is too short to be caught with wonderful people I don't want to leave. But I have to get some proper work done!

Yes, thoughtful person, I do not have the luxury of going away for 2 hour lunches and being paid mediocre. I love this job, I love my Boss and I will strive on. How good would I be if I gave up now? If I have lasted 5 years, I could last more. This is what I wanna do. (Remind me that I want to be mini PG)

Sleepless...

It's very weird. The part where I didn't do any follow up sms or calls, I slept soundly through the night. I received an sms at approximately 4.32 am saying, "Hey...". I replied, "What's up?"

"Are you angry at me?"

"Don't think so much, get back to sleep".

"Bla Bla Bla... You walked away, I know you're mad at me".

It's funny how sometimes when I don't deliver any messages I receive reaction. When I anticipate and expect, I don't get any response. Murphy's Law, eh?

Last night, I managed to catch CSI NY repeat. It was amazing. I was home, I was having dinner, and I get to watch CSI NY. Tonight, past midnight, race at 1.00 am local time. I don't even know if I was going to last through it.

It's the first time Schuey is going to start at 2nd position, next to Button. I guess it will prove to be a good race. Let's see how Kimi performs this time. News say that it may be difficult getting past these two men.

I'll be here till 10.00 pm tonight. Let's hope I get to watch at least the beginning. I'm tired. It's days like this that seem so taxing and in the afternoons like today, I feel tired and sleepy.

I am the laziest person on Sunday. I have to keep working. Welcome back, Chairwoman. I hope you have had a good day off.

"I. Love. You. Gorgeous." 12 June 2005 4.00 pm

"What Do You Want In Life?"

It was like a bloody advertisement when I received that text message. I don't know to laugh or to pretend it didn't get to me. I gave the text a grimace and went back to bed. I didn't leave it at that. This taunting person knows how to leave me with enough "profoundness" to keep me pondering. The text is still in my inbox.

Yeah, what do you want in life?

For a while you know I was laughing like the happiest person in this corner of the earth and then for the next moment you knew my shield was up and it was pretty heavily guarded with fresh ammo.

That, is how it goes for me. I am really quite confusing or I am really confused. I haven't had time to figure out either or, but you know what, I know that I will be here for the next 1 hour or so, still. And I will be back here again bright early (I don't mean literally bright) in the morning, at 7 am.

The "player" in my life, has proven to have lived up to his name and is indeed one. This is of course unexpected. You've been hearing me sing the same tune all the time. I'm a sucker for bad medicine.

Well, here I am, after another acid dosage. I'm numb. I couldn't feel a thing and didn't care less to follow up with a telephone call or sms. I'm here again. And I don't have the time to be "jealous" or be "envious" or be "cute" or be "young" again. I have a job and while I am at work, it remains me, 100% work.

Too small...

This office is too small to contain all of us high-strung people. I had a day off yesterday but last night.. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I had a pounding headache. I was awake listening to Steve snore and him talking in his sleep. Every second was so difficult to pass. Of course I tried praying. It didn't work. I was talking to Him all night... most of last night.

At 5.58 am, I texted my Boss to say that I will be in at 10 am coz I couldn't sleep and was feeling like the most dreadful thing on earth.

As expected, everything blew up in my face after a day off like yesterday. If I am energetic enough to work every day of every week, I would. At least I would have an idea of everything when asked.

Besides having a pounding and permanent headache, I feel completely stupid. I want so much to re-count the day off yesterday but today kinda busted the wonderful day off yesterday.

I will be here till at least 10 pm tonight. This is the life I have chosen, I cannot blame anyone for not inviting me to movies, not inviting me to dinners and not being able to be part of something of someone else. This is me. 100% work.

Today I'm so whiny, I fell right back into the pattern of whine Shine. Tell me I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world.

I said : "I cannot take this anymore. I'm not sleeping right, I'm not eating right, I have no time for you and I'm such a whiner!!"

He replied : "Take a deep breath. Cool down. Every job is the same. Stay positive and outstanding!"

Now, tell me.. Has there ever been a boyfriend who would be so patient, uncompromisingly loving? It's all I want, a man who would pick me up and make me aware that I am outstanding.

Too early in the morning...

It was too early in the morning when I got here. I got here at 6.30 am, like some person who has been losing sleep for the past 2 nights or so. I was the first Manager to clock in. (Yes, I'm very proud of myself)

The female locker was buzzing with excitement and chattering. I decided to join the action. I was possibly not the most welcomed person for I don't truly belong there. I struck up a conversation with an Angel and we went on and on. We spoke loud and inform others that we're crazy. We're people who talks to iron boards. (LOL) You should have heard that story of the iron board that took me for a ride...

The Angel an I relived that encounter and it was so entertaining (to the both of us) because not many people I know are on the same wavelength I am on. The Angel is one of the few. You see, exchanging private jokes and laughter was an amazing start to the morning.

Some of you think having "breakfast" is the best thing in the morning... Well, I had breakfast too. That's why I love having Chairwoman on morning shift. She makes sure I have breakfast.

There are times when I wish I could say what I want to say, to who I want. Sigh.

Sms'....

SMS : "Baby..." 7 June 10.34 am

SMS : "Treating you like no one does, bring you out and spend quality time together, make you feel that you're the princess and the happiest person in the universe" 7 June 1.19 pm

SMS are strange things.. I don't know why some get to me and some doesn't. The above ones.. Sigh. Do I need to say it?

Don't be sending me silly messages, I'm too busy working.

The evaluation got me riled up and I was bouncing off walls and worried over my evaluation. God knows I haven't had an evaluation in a year! And the last "talk" we had with Boss and Clark Kent, it didn't go very well. And Boss still remembers that. So.. It was scary. I didn't know what to expect.

A quick call to my mentor got me prepped, although not to the fullest but it helped. He got me to anticipate and all I could do was keep my fingers crossed.

I had a quick sit-down with Baby before I went back to see Boss.

It went well. I could say I did very well. I should pat myself on the back. I deserve some rest. But you know what, now that I know what Boss expects of me and even worse, I know what else he expects of me, I must exceed that, or else I will never be able to live with myself.

I love my Boss with such a vengence. I don't even know if those adjectives goes hand in hand, but you know what, I'm going to say it even if you don't think it makes sense.

And if anything goes through my head and I get silly, hyper crazy, you can rest assured it's either work or.. Baby.

Sigh. Stab me with a spoon. Kill me. I know it's going to be a slow and painful death.
"It's a waste of windows".

Evaluation

It's that time of the year again... Sigh.. Boss just spring it on me that I will be evaluated today or tomorrow.

I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'm too worried. Thank God for one of those sleeping pills that I have. I may be able to pull it off...

Wish me luck!

The Gift..

You know how I love the word... "thoughtful". It doesn't even have to be sweet, doesn't even have to be mindful, doesn't even have to be considerate to a point.

I received a gift today. This thoughtful person did it again. He made me smile, at 8 in the morning and had me looking forward to the rest of the afternoon... To see him... again..

The gift was from a faraway place. Cold, chilly places that are not to my liking. I'm warm blooded and in Malaysia I will stay.

Thank you for being thoughtful, when everything else was attempted, failed. Thank you for being you, in bringing your humour and some laughter back to me. Thank you for reminding me what it's like to have someone's eyes to look into. Thank you for reminding me that I'm still here and so are you, for the time being.

Thank you for teaching me the concept of Pizza Hut Delivery. I get it. I just don't know when I'd have time for pizza. It's been such a long time since I've had pizza.

You know and I know that this "work that provides sustenance" is turning me into a sour old prune. I just don't get "it".

And yes, thoughtful person, I love you.

The Big effect...

Realising that life is not always how you wanted it, could be a rude awakening. Some of us still like to live in that nice beautiful world we like to call ideal. In the ideal world, it's euphoria.

Sex & The City ended for me, with many questions unanswered and a thirst not quenched. I love Carrie and the girls. I love the education and enlightenment I get from it. It's sad that it has ended and there goes the rest of my education. I'm glad that I have the complete collection in DVD.

Carrie always had questions about 2 men in her life. Aidan and Big. I love Big. He is such an asshole but he is so gorgeous and I wish I had him. Big had it all. What Big did in the movie got to me so much more than Aidan did. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just the sucker for gorgeous men or the sucker for men who are bad for me.

Big was such an icon in her life, he was the Chrysler building she called it. He meant so much to her and men being men, they make decisions just like that and went away. Time after time he "used" her and she was so addicted to Big. He was bad for her.

The entire Big encounter was so complete. He's no longer Big. He's John. (And I know JC reading this would have loved it to be "John")

If I was Carrie.... I would be pampered with good shoes. The Choos and the Blahniks... Sigh. When would I be able to slip my feet into one of those... *Bliss*

You have to quit while you're ahead and I feel wonderful in knowing I'm here. We're talking about platforms of which to jump beyond ourselves. I know that platform for someone is in 3 months time. I don't know what scares me the most. I will probably remain Ms. Siew for ever.

Thank you for your offer of 2 children, a dog and 2 cats and my Forrester for that turbo-charged mom. I think I'll pass.

I love you*

CSI, CSI & CSI....

If you have CSI : Miami 1 & 2, CSI : Vegas 1, 2, 3 & 4... you would NEVER have overdose of CSI.

Trust me. I lived CSI yesterday evening. It was my day off yesterday. I went to Eve's with my mom and my sis. I now look like a glamourised Pink. (I wish!) Of course I would have wished my hair could be shorter, but I could already picture that look of disapprove on my Boss' face. I was so tempted to go ahead and provoke that.

I came to work today and was faced with many people with approving comments. I, of course, beamed.

As anticipated, my Boss wasn't so happy-lah. Even artistic Mich thinks I look good with this cut. Boss is just being Boss-lah!

Tomorrow, Sunday, is Steve's day off. As expected, he wants to go out tonight. I'm still here. I'll be here for another hour or so. He said if I'm running late, he will pack dinner for me.

Life is so different when Chairwoman is on her day off. There's no one to accompany me for lunch and I tend to skip lunch. Not very good, but it's working for me... No problem in not eating, especially if its because I've been eating a lot.

I'm still here, it's 9ish. Damn I hate this long hours. It's beginning to irritate me. Then again, everything irritates me now. Esp when people set sappy love songs as caller ring tones and show me cute, lovely messages from halves and wholes. Sigh.

To me, I have very twisted way of perceiving love. Like movies... Casablanca, my all time favourite... I love the movie for the fact that Rick did what he did for the greater love. They didn't end up together, but it's his unconditional love for her that was it.

And in Moulin Rouge, the movie started with the line, "The woman I love is dead."

Call me twisted, I believe in LOVE. Just not the same way as everyone does.

Oh, I love you. :)

Truly & Sincerely

Thank you. Your comment brought a laugh to me and a sarcastic reply sprung out. I said, "You'd wish it was you! Dream on!"

Part of me knew it's probably a lot more simple if it was indeed you. It would have meant that you would live every word you say to me, mean it and do your best in never, never disappointing me.

Throughout all the postings, all the ups and downs in my life, I know you truly and sincerely love me for what and who I am. Even if I sometimes have my cloaking deviCe on and my defence mechanism is on full force.

Thank you.

My children...

I've always thought I was the balance in the Exe Comm. I'm not really. A lot of times I put my foot down and I'm not firm enough in doing so. Which is very weird... They love me and they still come to my lap and my shoulder.

This morning, 4 of my children from Housekeeping team gave me a group photo of them. They asked me to stick the picture on my PC. They said to me this morning, "Mom, for you!!"

My favourite, Kecil, as she is fondly referred to, hugs me every morning... :)

Now, I have a picture of my children on my PC monitor, like every loving mother... I feel loved.

Tears...

I know it's that time of the month when crystals turns into tears. I was angry and upset with Chairwoman this morning. Come lunch time, it wasn't her my anger and frustration was directed to. It was someone else.

Call it bad investment, call it bad judgement. It's just me. I make bad choices and I make mistakes. Repeatedly; I never learn. You see, I remember I said I will be back and I will be done with the cheek of the boy who did this to me. Guess what, I did it again.

Chairwoman called me this afternoon expecting to hear me yell at her, instead of that, she heard my shaky voice and came over to see me. The first thing she did was hug me. And she smoothen my hair. It was such a comfort....

I sat her down through it and spoke to her with choked voice. She loves me, I truly believe that. You know there's been one constant person who has been there for all my tears in the past few months. It's her.

I have not been tearing for anything else (apart from once with my mentor over my job) but it's mainly for this person. I don't even know why I bother again and again.

I told her what I did and she said, "Oh no... Not again..!!"

Yes, I did it again.

She held my hand and keep rubbing my shoulders.

I'm sick and tired of being right here again. I don't know how not to be here. I don't know how to get back to where I was before. I don't know how to stop obssessing. I want to be me again. I want that strong Shine back!

I sent Chairwoman an sms reading : Thank you for keeping me strong. I love you.

Her reply : Love you too. Always.

This is the person who made me loose sleep last night. The one person I was up since 3.00am worrying about. I came to work looking dreadful and the news delivered to me over my late lunch was even more disasterous. My mascara ran, my eye liner disappeared and I look like I'm very very tired, or so Mich said.

I went to see the doctor to get some mood stabilizers. I need them. It is not just psychological anymore. It's phycho. I'm psyched. I'm caught in this mental game I don't know how to gain control back. It's been 6 months since this job and I've seen the doctor 4 times to get mood stabilizers and sleeping pills.

I either need a new job, or I need a serious breakaway to re-generate. I cannot keep doing this to myself and I cannot keep letting these things get in my way.

First it was the boy and it's still the boy. Un-obssess me and re-obssess me to a new obssession.

Friday is around the corner, I have a day planned with mom and Jerri and my hairstylist, Eve. I will spend the rest of the evening watching Horatio. I have yet to begin watching CSI : Miami Season 2.

I know I said it last night that I will stop all obssession in picking up the telephone. I have been week so far. With the installation of the telephone on my desk, I get even weaker. I called twice and left an sms. I then called Chairwoman and told her what I did. She will forgive me this one time and reminded me firmly to STOP.

Please remind me to STOP obssesing. It's about time I re-focus back to me. Me. Shine.

Late...

I'm late. But I have a feeling that it's going to happen today.

Late, last night the party went on till late. I wasn't invited (as usual) and it's okay by me. It's common, it's an accepted fact that my life is 100% work. I don't really care what a shitty person I am out of work, just as long as I deliver at work and that I am 100% a person of integrity.

The "rest of your life" story is not sticking to me already. So much has changed since. I remember speaking to Qert about marriage and having 5 children. I still want 5 children. It's the husband and the relationship and the problems that I don't want.

Lately I've been blowing my top so much that I know I'm just late and it will come. It's very funny because about half a month ago, I was so stressed that I was tearing in front of my mentor. I know that was serious because I don't normally have crystals in my eyes unless it's bleeding time or close to bleeding time...

I'm weird.

I called Qert today and left a message that I'm confused. He called me back to say I'm not confused. I'm worried. See, I'm confused that I cannot even tell the difference with both the feelings.

Thank you JC for your sms to remind me that Friday is around the corner. Appreciate. :-)