Overdose...

You know how it's like, caffeine overdose... Got me bouncing off walls and sweating bullets and keep worrying that Boss is going to be calling me.. It's a scary feeling. I feel so so so paranoid.

I love my Boss, don't get me wrong. I love this job, as much as I love me. (Just so you have a rough idea exactly how much I love this job that provides sustenance)

I always say, everything in moderation. I haven't been able to walk that talk yet. I have been a failure in this sense. I have done nothing but procrastinate over things that are inevitable. Ever have the feeling in your gut that something is just wrong? (That's me, caffeine overdose)

Yesterday evening, Qert bought me a giant sized Easter egg. I was so going to freak out on it. Chairwoman knew I was going to smash it all up and store them in Tupperware. Ha ha ha.. That's how well she's gotten to know me. She reads my mind, I don't even have to say it. That's how us women are, right? We just have this bond...

I took my egg home, caught CSI in good time and began to stroke my giant egg.... Qert said, "You know it's not going to hatch into many chocolate bars, right?"

I have been utterly amusing, talking to myself (my favourite person) about this and that. I am still Narcissist Shine.

Distraction has been amazing. Distraction has been charming and lovely. Distraction has been everything I want. And yet everything I want is Horatio. Qert and I agreed that Horatio should be in all of the CSIs and not just CSI Miami.

Start spreading the news. CSI NY begins this Tuesday night. Let's see how Gary Sinise pull this one. Let me stress this again, there would be no one alive as smooth as Horatio.. You know why, because Horatio is fiction. I can paint Horatio out to be the nicest, coolest, smoothest, best, and he will remain that way. I love Horatio...

I would marry Horatio at the drop of a hat. The perfect man to father my 5 children.

(Must be the caffeine talking...)

I have a picture of The One in my phone. Today I studied the picture again, and discovered that it feels awfully familiar... It's The Sunglasses... The One, The Sunglasses. Is there something I'm supposed to pick up or is it just coincidence?

No day off...

I haven't had a day off since F1 weekend. I know it's only 10 days but it feels like forever. I forgot today is Wednesday, but remembered today is Wednesday last night. (Do I make sense?)

Like previously speculated, I know I will probably miss CSI tonight, or about a quarter of it. So I set my schedule to include CSI on my to-do list and reminder.

Yesterday I received a lovely gift from a lovely person, a card with The Man with The Voice on the cover. "The record shows, I took the blows and did it My Way". You know who you are, Thank You. It was a boost to my yesterday.

Frank - The Voice... The Man...

This song, dedicated to one young chap I know who may not know Frank like the rest of us do..

You make me feel so young

You make me feel like spring has sprung

Every time I see you grin

I’m such a happy individual

The moment that you speak

I want to go and play hide-and-seek

I want to go and bounce the moon

Just like a toy balloon

You and I, are just like a couple of tots

Running across the meadow

Picking up lots of forget-me-nots

You make me feel so young

You make me feel there are songs to be sung

Bells to be rung, and a wonderful fling to be flung

And even when I’m old and gray

I’m gonna feel the way I do today

’cause you make me feel so young

Sometimes I really cannot get angry or upset when Frank is with me. He just knows how to comfort me. I'm talking about someone who is born in 1915. LOL.

A while ago I thought Alanis Morissette sang the story to my life. I think Frank is cooler, older yes, but cooler. Frank is evergreen. Frank is eternal.

I will have more posting later. (if time permits!) So much to tell!!

I can fly...

I can fly

But I want his wings

I can shine even in the darkness

But I crave the light that he brings

Revel in the songs that he sings

My angel Gabriel

I can love

But I need his heart

I am strong even on my own

But from him I never want to part

He's been there since the very start

My angel Gabriel

My angel Gabriel

Bless the day he came to be

Angel's wings carried him to me

HeavenlyI can fly

But I want his wings

I can shine even in the darkness

But I crave the light that he brings

Revel in the songs that he sings

My angel Gabriel

My angel Gabriel

My angel Gabriel

Love & Marriage

Over breakfast this morning, Boss brought up a sensitive topic... our leaves. Boss reminded us of our priorities.

"At the end of the day, she's your wife. Don't talk about her that way."

Have we gotten so blind that we actually forget? Have we taken things for granted? Has all these "work that provides sustenance" getting us a little overwhelmed and in too deep?

So deep that I almost didn't make it home to watch CSI. I don't believe anything could have come between me and CSI but now I know the extent of how much I am willing to put in... That also means how much I know I'm going to have to give up.

It doesn't make me sleep easier at night, if anything, it only makes me sadder. It only makes me ache more. I get so tired sometimes I fall asleep in mid-sentence. Believe me, the receiving party is not flattered by this. I know how it feels. I know how he feels.

Yeah, sometimes I wish I'm single again, but I'm glad I'm not. I just need to review this set of priority regularly and make sure I'm on track for all the right balances in life.

Almost Blue...

Almost blue
Almost doing things we used to do
There's a girl here and she's almost you
Almost all the things that your eyes once promised
I see in hers too
Now your eyes are red from crying

Almost blue
Flirting with this disaster became me
It named me as the fool who only aimed to be

Almost blue
It's almost touching it will almost do
There's a part of me that's always true...always
Not all good things come to an end now it is only a chosen few
I've seen such an unhappy couple


Almost me
Almost you
Almost blue

So much to share!!

I've got so much to share and so little time to tell them all.

1. The Race
2. The Welcome Reception
3. The Suite
4. The One

Remind me to share these when I can.


My life has been such and adventurous journey since Boss is back. I love having him around. He only reinforces the fact that I do have work that provides sustenance. Everything else is just secondary.

"Everything else is just a toy"

Bubbling excitement!

May I tell you a secret? A secret I'm bursting to share!

I have the tickets to the F1 race hidden in my breast pocket of my uniform! It sounds so naughty and it looks so obscene when I hid it there... But I'm glad it's in my hands now.. I've been so waiting...

Tomorrow "baby" will pick me up early to have breakfast and then head over to the tracks to watch the qualifying.

F1 essentials :
Sunblock, sunglasses, lots of water, camera and money!

I cannot wait till tomorrow!!

It gets even hotter!

Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, things does get worse. This is confirmed with my expectant "Murphy's-Law-slap-in-the-face" concept. It does get worse. Believe me. You know that the mind is a very powerful thing, it attracts negativity if you think negative. Make your mind work for you, not against you.

It's not ironic that I'm talking about this. I am a positive person. I just let a few things get to me sometimes. Like yesterday.

Yesterday. That's past. That's what I have to move on from. And I have to practice what I preach, Don't Look Back In Anger.

You know what really gets me going in the morning... a few things actually... Run DMC and Aerosmith's Walk This Way and the theme to Blade. Seem like such a guy thing. Qert has even asked me, "Are you sure you're a girl?" Of course I didn't take it personally. Qert is an amazing person and I take his words kindly and glad he takes time out to "fix" me morally.

But this morning, this morning was slightly different. It's Race Day tomorrow. This morning, we would know if the complimentary ticket was coming... We've gathered a good team to go watch the race together. Me being the ONLY, ONLY person in the 3-team-members being the one with the fever.

I know it will be a good Race, even if I'm going to be all sweaty and smelly. I know I'm going to come back tanned. I know I'll be dehydrated, I know I'll be steaming crazy, fry-my-brains crazy, but I want it. I want that all. NOTHING will come between me and a race.

I'll tell you more about the race when I'm back from it.

Baby...

I got this from www.dictionary.com

ba·by ( P ) Pronunciation Key (bb)n. pl. ba·bies
A very young child; an infant.
An unborn child; a fetus.
The youngest member of a family or group.
A very young animal.
An adult or young person who behaves in an infantile way.
Slang. A girl or young woman.
Informal. Sweetheart; dear. Used as a term of endearment.
Slang. An object of personal concern or interest: Keeping the boat in good repair is your baby.

I've been using this word a bit too often to one person's name. Slap me silly, it's about time I wake up.

A distraction is not an exit and is not a back door.

A distraction is a distraction is a distraction.

We all have our purpose. The distraction's purpose is fulfulled. (So you remember what happened to the Key Maker after he delivered The One to The Source)

It is inevitable.



P.S - Did I mention I watched Constantine twice? Twice with Chairwoman and I will never get tired of this gorgeous man... "Into the light I command you"

Hottest Race Of The Season!

Let's just understand this... I've been so looking forward to attend this I actually tricked my superior in giving me Sunday off just so I can attend Race Day.

There's nothing more important to me than Race Day. Oh, maybe Wednesday nights CSI or Horatio nights CSI.

I've been fortunate enough to take pictures of all these amazing cars along this Walk. Thanks to JC, I received a picture of the Sauber drivers. There's nothing that thrills me more than speed. (And Horatio)

But Horatio is not real, like my every other fantasies. Not real.

I still have not purchased my tickets. I'm still hoping to be so lucky that I will get some complimentary ticket (like I did last year) But you know what they say about hope. I know it's an inevitable act of cruelty, ironic "Murphy's-Law-Slap-In-The-Face" thing, but what the heck! It's the only real good thing to look forward to. Even if I just go there to listen to these powerful engines, I would. I want these magnificent sound to haunt me again, I don't mind the rain or shine, I want to be there and be caught up in the excitement.

I feel like I so deserve something real like this.
I hope nothing comes along the way to spoil it. I'm not going to let it. I'm strapping on my ammunition for this auto defense mechanism I have. Nothing, nothing is going to get in my way of being at that race.

Oh, did I fail to mention Barichello checked out? Not like I really care about the driver, it's the machines! (although not in Kimi's case.. heh)

See you there!

Change of mobile number!

I've moving from Maxis to Celcom. Please email me for the number!

The weekend...

The weekend came as fast as it went.

Remind me, never to make decisions for other people again. For example : If it's your day off tomorrow, never persuade your boyfriend to stay in the night before. He'll probably break away from his regular routine and then blame you for not living up to it.

Well, in a way thankful that the weekend came as fast as it went. I didn't know how to live with the prolonged issue.

The good thing about this "living arrangement" I have is that I know I can still be Narcissist Shine and can still be Whine Shine and I am subjecting anyone to this s**t. :) I still have my time, I still have the best company from me, myself and I.

I have no complaints.

The "room mate" whizzes off to the Hills tonight to attend a wedding and will not be back till after gym tomorrow. It feels like a holiday for my thoughts that at least I get to focus on work today and not worry about being late for dinner, or being on time for this or that. Tonight, CSI : Miami back to back at 10 pm, that is my date ;)

I must have mistaken somewhere along the line about this, but I don't see the point..??

Let's Do It

I have been contemplating the term "room mate" with this person I hardly see. Then this morning, I knew that it was a Shine I pulled last night with the "room mate" thing.

He is not my room mate and this morning, I knew it and I found out, in the way that only he could put across.

He "discovered" the soundtrack to De-Lovely and said, "Thought you might like this... It's your kind of music".

He played the De-Lovely Medley and he said, "Listen... It's her..."

Chinks do it. Japs do it

Upper Lapland little Lapps do it

Let's do it

Let's fall in love

In Spain the best upper sets do it

Lithuanians and Lits do it

Let's do it

Let's tall in love

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it

Not to mention the Finns

Folks in Siam do it

Think of Siamese twins

Some Argentines without means do it

People say in Boston even beans do it

Let's do it

Let's fall in love

Cold Cape Cod clams

'Gainst their wish do it

Even lazy jelly fish do it

Let's do it

Let's fall in love

Electric eels I might add do it

Though it shocks'em I know

Why ask if Shad do it

Waiter bring me Shad Roe

In the shallow shoals English soles do it

Goldfish in privacy of bowls do it

Let's do it

We'll do it

Let's do it

Let's fall in love

Thank you, Alanis Morissette

P.S - I finally understood why she wrote and sang Thank You

Shine on Shine...

Let me give you a brief idea about me now. I have a Pocket Day Timer, which includes information like my meetings, my to-do lists, my training schedule and anything and everything. What it does not include is, what is really important to me:Time to see my family.

The other day I came across this interesting reading material, The Lamp by Jim Stovall. It was about a genie granting them 3 wishes, which on their own cannot achieve. Need I say more.... There is nothing we cannot achieve on our own but the knowledge of knowing their lives changes forever, was what fueled them to live their lives to the fullest.

So, tonight I will leave by 7.30 pm and keep my date with Grissom. And dinner with family :)

The other day Qert said to me that I pause a lot when I speak. I didn't know I was consciously doing the Horatio thing. I love the way Horatio speaks. He punctuates his words every now and then to make a point. A lot of time when I speak, I never expect anyone to be listening. Sometimes I shut myself off while talking to myself. (And I call me my biggest fan. LOL)

You know the best thing about this "new" me is that I think about work all the time. I think like work all the time. Good thing I postponed the wedding to next year (or the year after that) I haven't decided. In all the 48 hours of my days, I have never seen Steve for more than 3 hours in total. Confession : I kinda like this arrangement.

An example : This morning as Steve was sending me to work, I don't hear what he says. I replied saying, "I've got this today, I've got this and that later today. I'll be doing what at what time and I'll try to get this done by when." And he replied saying, "What?"

That's me in work gear. Have I mentioned how lucky I am to have someone put up with me for all the 4-letter word s**t I put him through?

I'm either heading towards "work that provides sustenance" or losing "family with whom we justify our sole existance".

I need distraction and I need an outlet.

Tiredness...

Doesn't exist!

I've been so tired that I don't remember I smile when I am tired. (I don't look it)
I've been so caught up that I don't remember I smile when I said I've a headache (I definitely don't look it)

Either I'm living in denial, or I just have this habit to say I'm tired but am not.

The cure :
One "hailam" tea in the morning for breakfast
One Coke for headache
One 3-minute break for ta-pao lunch
One coffee at 5ish

That's all I had today.

Having a team is wonderful. (Clark Kent just walked past me)
My team has been so amazing I just want to pick them all up in one big bear hug. They've been about as much as what I expect of them and I had earlier expected myself to compromise on my standards. But they have been simply amazing.

I love my team.

The reason why I'm sitting here instead of being at home is because I gave all the cash I had on me away to Lynn and also gave her my monorail pass. So I have to wait for one of the boys to finish work and send me home.

I'm glad Lynn came to me with her problems and I tried to solve it. You know what she said to other people, after I turn my back and go. She said "She is my everything!"

Tell me I can now go home.... I know all these effort I've put in will turn out into something really worthwhile.

Today I had an interesting conversation with Boss. I gave him my 200% commitment into this project and asked him to turn off his PC and/or his phone and get some rest. If I could get to his place on my off day, I'd go see him and probably slap him to make sure he REALLY turns off his PC and just focus on getting well.

I spent about half an hour talking to Boss. I really miss having him around. You know, I think the "work that provides sustenance" thing, really had something to do with the boss you'd have.

So the next time you see me smile, I have every reason to. I have a great team, a great Boss, great colleagues, amazing job... Do you?

It's Monday!

There's so much I want to say, but do not have the time to say it.
Work piles up and I feel more tired than ever. There's nothing like knowing this challenge is yet to be faced, to keep me going on.

Thanks to having colleagues (like Qert) and friends (like MH) Thank you for always checking on me to make sure I am alright. I appreciate your concern and always remember you in my prayers.

It's tonight and I'm still here. I have to go soon or I'd miss my date with Horatio.

It's Friday Day!

We used to celebrate "Happy Friday Day" in the Travel Centre, back when I was in the 5-day week work environment. It was cute, we'd leave post-its all over the place saying "Happy Friday Day!" and some cute stickers.

I used to love Fridays, maybe it was The Cure's Friday I'm In Love or maybe it was just knowing the next two days was going to be good. We had this line we'd use on Thursday. "When Thursday is here, the weekend is near!"

Those days are gone. I've moved on. We've moved on. I still think fondly of Fridays. There's always TGI Fridays.

On that Thursday night, I borrowed Qert's lappy home to do some work. While on the way home, I get to sit at the back seat and entertain the wannabe-dorg-next-life. I don't wannabe-dorg-next-life when I can be dorg in the back seat. I love car rides. I love looking out windows.

On Friday morning, I joined Qert and Mr. Wong for breakfast. I didn't know that area existed, and college hostel was less than 5 mins walk. Yet I didn't know it ever existed. Breakfast was so good that Qert said, "Isn't this worth blogging?!" My words won't do it justice, so I won't try. But breakfast was really good and satisfying. For some deprived person like me, I'm contented.

Friday was a truly good day. We had some fun with the team and some wayang and some fun. They get a better idea, instead of just me all the time. They had the focus and attention of other people.

I left early on Friday. So early that cab fare cost me more than MYR 8. That's what happens when you leave during rush hour! Cab fares get expensive! I didn't have dinner, only a chocolate milk shake while Chairwoman enjoys her Value Meal.

I was home and asleep by 9pm. My mom thinks it's depression. When I was in college, I used to be that, I ate little, slept a lot and spoke even less (couldn't believe I could hold my tongue for 1 second, did you?!)

I got up on my day off, Saturday, at 9.30 ish. Surprising. No one woke me up. I just did.

Lazed around, watched the Qualifying Rounds after I managed to cheat my dad off the remote control and the living room. Had brunch with parents and continued with Men In Black II. The thought of watching Constantine was playing in my head all morning. To watch or not to watch?

Almost as if my choices are made "No one can see beyond their choices" kinda thing, the AXN had Action Cuts from Constatine. Then I knew I had to watch it. I have to get off my lazy ass and do something!

I don't normally watch TV unless it's Wednesday 9pm. Other than that, I don't care much for the idiot box. But I'm glad I watched TV yesterday. Or else I wouldn't have found out that CSI : Miami is back on Mondays at 9pm. I cannot wait to see Horatio again. I wait in baited breath to see the man I wish (so much!) would be in my life.

All the Keanus and all the Brads, as gorgeous as they are, I'd only want to keep one, Horatio. Horatio as he is, in CSI : Miami. Nothing gorgeous, nothing beautiful, just so perfect Horatio is. I'm fantasizing. I need to stop this. LOL.

I left the house in a hurry, as if I had an appointment with Constantine himself. Called Chairwoman on the way. Hopped a cab and flew to the cinema. Bought tickets for all three of us (small ensemble for last minute arrangements!) It's been ages since I've been to the cinema and I didn't know they cost RM 11 per ticket! One Shine, 6 tickets, 2 different movies.

Shall We Dance was inspirational. I feel like putting my dancing shoes back on. It's been so long, I've forgotten why I've given up dancing. I loved to dance so much. I made my mommy so proud of me. The end brought tears to us, both me and Chairwoman was almost about to stab ourselves with a spoon.

We walked out of one cinema, and into the next. The stubs to the tickets, never removed. Constantine is good. It is so cool I'm going to watch it again.

Last minute spur of the moment over dinner, Chairwoman said, "The night is still young" and I absolutely understood what she meant. We stayed back, had some drinks and danced the night away in some dodgy place.

As dodgy as the place is, I am glad I am accompanied by my iPod, which at least is my choice of music. I just turned off, when I hear that kinda music. Chairwoman was on her feet on and off, me, on my arse, listening to music that makes me frown.

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

This first race of the season, was so sad and disappointing for me that I had to work. I could only wish that 2 weeks later, it will be a better race for me. Thankfully Kimi finished the race, nothing broken (except the engine stalled in the warm-up lap, was it?) No spoiler flying off, nothing blew up, he's fine and I'm happy.

Thanks for all F1 updates received via sms, very thoughtful of you and appreciate it.
I wish you a good time at the world's hottest race. I will wish I was there too. There's nothing more exciting than hearing the sound of these amazing cars. (except maybe the MIGS, but you'd soon change your mind)

March - Revisited

After a morning, a little build-up from the day before and yesterday and this morning, it does feels like there's nothing to look forward to today. CSI was yesterday and then that's it to the week. Nothing to look forward to. Except Race Day this Sunday. Nothing else.

Yesterday during lunch, we spotted a TV presented of 8TV and the girls started whispering and pointing and I had no idea what was going on. Just the same as the first time Blue came to stay with the Happening Hotel, I was in the same lift with them and I had no idea...

Well, this second posting today isn't talking about ideas. It's talking about frustrations.

Frustration build-up that I totally forgot I was a Firewalker® Graduate. I have forgotten how to channel my anger and frustration differently! I got back to "mother" PC with my iTunes Library and turned on "You Oughta Know" so that I'd have a frown on my face. See, I'm falling into my same old patterns, no wonder I couldn't burn my bridges. Me, falling into routine again.

ME = BAD + DANGEROUS

All Firewalker® Graduates, please feel free to slap me silly. I know this is not what AR® taught us.

I am aware of what I need to do. Take off Alanis Morissette from my iPod. (OH NO!) I remember at UPW when AR® asked us to list down the frustration and the angry stuff, he played "You Oughta Know" so that means she isn't all so bad. He was trying to put through a point and I get it.

I get that it starts with me and I need to STEP UP! I know how to do it, I just need to DO IT. Firewalkers®, "SAY YES!" See you at the next UPW.


Book to read : The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.

March

Too many things are happening in March. We were supposed to be having our dry run, we're still dry and not running...

Today last year, SC & B got registered and I'd like to wish them Happy Anniversary. Steve and I were there to witness :-)

The season starts this weekend, I have been so looking forward. I feel like it's going to be a great weekend already! Although I've accepted the fact that I will never have an off day on Race Day, I do feel disappointed, still. No matter how much I wish it wasn't so, it is and what's so bad about it?

I'll miss the hottest race of the season this year, I know I made a promise to catch every other race since last year's but I'll survive watching it at the usual place, Chilli's. So, give me a call, we'll do it again this year like we did last year!

Nothing's been new with me, except that I am really really worried about running on dry.
It's one of those time when I wish all eyes weren't on me, and all of a sudden Alanis' words seem to sound so sarcastic. I used to be so into her. That was the me back in college, I don't like to remember the me I was.

UR - "we know how much you love to be in front of audiences"

Is this the one time I'm getting jittery having all eyes on me, I'm actually scared?

Who

Who am I to be blue

Look at my family and fortune

Look at my friends and my house

Who

Who am i to feel deadend

Who am i to feel spent

Look at my health and my money

And where

Where do i go to feel good

Why do i still look outside me

When clearly i've seen it won't work

Is it my calling to keep on when i'm unable

And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre

And my generosity has me disabled

By this my sense of duty to offer

And why

Why do i feel so ungrateful

Me who is far beyond survival

Me who see life as an oyster

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable

And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre

And my generosity has me disabled

By this my sense of duty to offer

And how

How dare i rest on my laurels

How dare i ignore an outstreched hand

How dare i ignore a third world country

Is it my calling to keep on when I'm unable

And is it my job to be selfless extraodinairre

And my generosity has me disabled

By this my sense of duty to offer

Who

Who am I to be woo

Scary, I'm quoting her again. I should have taken up the advise about burning bridges...

The Man

Thanks to Qert and the information that The Man is in the hospital, we decided to go see him after work. I didn't know The Man was admitted, since Wednesday last week. He had spasms while in briefing on Saturday last week and had difficulties keeping his head straight. He has perfected the look of non-reaction, you cannot even see a hint of pain on his face. (King Of Pain?)

It tears at me, to see him lying there, in pain and so frustrated. I had that look on my face that Qert just wants to slap it off me.

Seeing my amazing boss lying there was just different. I've always, always thought very highly of him. Even back in Jan 2000 when I was a wide-eyed trainee, young and impressionable. Many people have this mis-perception about him but you know people are always afraid of the anomaly.

I love my boss. I pray for him all the time. I wish he wasn't so frustrated about himself. It's because he's selfless that's got him here. If I could, I would slap some sense into him.

Part of my prayers include asking for strength to accept the things I cannot change, and last night, it included the enlightenment for my boss, to accept the things he cannot change.

I just feel motivationally-battered after that visit to boss. I felt life differently, I didn't feel tired yesterday and I didn't mumble a word of complaint. (Although the "tired look" is my look for 2005)

"Gratitude is the most exquisite form of courtesy" - Jacques Maritain