My Happy Pills..

There's many names to it, I call it my Happy Pills. I rely on it every month to make sure that I don't do the oily thing. Hey JC, the casualty is me. I shot myself in the feet. Looks like I will finally learn something.

I know traditionally every month I have a few days that I am hyper-vulnerable. I turn into an oily onion. I normally take two over a period of a week. Guess what, I did two. Yesterday and today. And that day to "calm me down". I need to go get more dosage. This time, I've up my dosage so much more than the last 3 months. Which was strange.

The last 3 months, I had crystals and waterfall moments. This month, (must be the pills) I have been surprisingly calm. No crystals, no waterfall. I think this is it.

Yesterday was my day off, with Steve. And you think, "Why the hell does she need Happy Pills when she is already spending the entire day with Steve?" I thought of that too. But yesterday was a day I dread. If our days off didn't coincide, I would have stayed in all day and took my sleeping pills, not Happy Pills. I needed to put something to the back of my mind. It wasn't easy. It was the thing I wanted to think about least and yet it was the only thing that keeps playing in my head.

I know so many people who could relate to this emotion I have. I know so many people who has gone through this themselves and if only there was a quick-fix way out of this. I've stayed away from coffee for the last 2 weeks. They say caffeine depresses you. I stayed away from coffee because my coffee companion is not around. If he was around, you can be certain I'm in his office right now. And he will see crystals in my eyes as I share my story about my 1000-ton Baby.

Days after days, weeks after weeks, we just have to endure this. Put that smile on your face, pretend it didn't matter, pretend you're invincible and nothing could ever scar you: "I'd like to thank The Academy.."

Yesterday, I had two cups of coffee with Steve. He's a coffee person. I normally watch. But the caffeine didn't sit well with the Happy Pill I took earlier. I think they just crossed each other out. I was back that jumpy self. I wished for my phone to beep, I wished for my phone to ring. I wished for many things and as certain as Murphy is in my daily life, it will never happen to me in a million years.

I received no beeps of messages, no rings of phone calls. No intrusion into my day off. Steve was blissfully unaware that I was there but wasn't really there. How long do I intend to keep this facade up? How long do I pretend before I fall off stage half way with my "I'd like to thank The Academy" speech?

I am Jack's inflamed anger.

Oh, btw, I watched Fight Club. Hence the speaking in 3rd person.