A Little Less Conversation

Someone taught me this. It was irritating to begin with. Knowing me, would I be able to learn this? No. I could wag my tongue till the ends of tomorrow.

Speaking of which, CY has been lying in the hospital for 2 days now. Insensitive me has been calling her up everyday going, hey, have you reached boiling point?

And I didn't know she was in the hospital. Until just. 35 mins past 8.

And because I woke up with puffy eyes this morning, and I know I'm staying up for a great hair cut, tomorrow I am going to be losing my marbles all over the place. So what I did was, I booked a manicure and pedicure appointment after work. Just a place for me to sit down and catch up on gossip and do very little.

I told CY I would willingly give up my appointment to go visit her. I'd probably keel over and die on the way there, but I will do it anyway. CY is to me as CY is.

Then after seeing CY in the hospital, probably go home and catch up on some elusive sleep. A little blue pill should do the trick. And I won't wake up till noon on Sunday.

So that's what it's been. A conversation too little, too less, for me to even know CY has been out of action for 2 days. It was only me, who kept irritating her and asked if she's answering my call with dying breath. I am so insensitive.

Tomorrow, I'm going to spend time making it up to her.

Karma and retribution. I did learn that with CY. Because no one else was gonna go Honda with me so late in the evening. And with what little of a person I still am, I will go see her and hope to give her some laughs.

Friday Night!

The game is on tonight.

And to spite one person, I said.. (and is still gonna stick to it) Argentina is going to win.

I may say that, but we all know, I will be wearing my Germany shirt, smelling like a million dollars, and a larger than life smile.

Tom & Jerri is going to be home with me tonight. And my parents have missed having my sister and me make the most amount of noise at home. My sister finishes my sentences, and she can tell what I am saying even with my mouth full. My sister is not a person to ever make me shut up and sit down and eat my food. Neither is my mom. No one does that. Except one. And that got me frowning for a while.

It's not often I don't win.

But sometimes winning... could be so subjective. Because with this, with the conversations I have been having with Chairwoman, it's like the first Vios-Britney advertisement : What Do You Want?

I'm not the only person who write notes for postings on my blog. Today, I left to go back to my office with a piece of note on my hand.

I'm one of those who would lose sleep for a good hair cut. His hair cut isn't just good. It's the best I've seen on the field. And don't underestimate his ability of corner kick and free kick. He, is not my team, but I never discredit a good player or a good game (we're talking about the field here)

Planet Starbucks

Has turned into a place that I see people I don't want to see.
1 was okay to handle. 3 every morning, require working some pleasantries and effort to smile. How to smile without first having wake up to my coffee?

Today, like unprecedented Thursday. Was precedented.

Text : Kofe?

Reply : Please go ahead. Delivery as usual for me, please!

Text : Ha, ha, ha! That's a good one!

Pause.

Text : Ur frap is on the way!

Reply : Ha, ha ha! That's a good one!

And my Friday was precedented with impeccable timing.

What goes around, comes around. I think that favour, or thoughtfulness, or pro-activeness, was already prepaid. Actually, I don't think so. I know so.

Thank you. Cheers!

This is a dedicated posting :

Friday - in your face sarcastic mood! TM ©®


I must have done something really wrong in my past life. This is karma. This is paying back.

There. Hope you like it.

Chairwoman antics

She asked me if I think she would be able to leave a 7 pm.

I asked her back if I would be able to leave at 8 pm.

We both laughed.

It was an hour spent together like I knew she wasn't going to eat if I didn't keep pestering her. And she know I wasn't going to eat if she didn't keep pestering me.

She spent 2 hours in Finance. And I know she would love nothing than to have my Shuffle or her PSP with her instead of the nags.

And beginning 7.30 pm. I keep bugging her to leave office. And she kept bugging me to leave office. Something's wrong somewhere.

But one thing is the same with the both of us : There's nothing to go home to.

At 8.30 pm, I gave up and went for a walk to the Grand Ballroom. There was an appreciation night going on. It was my favourite local band, KRU. I snuck into the Grand Ballroom and left with a big smile. And walked into the wrong person.

Not only did he stare me down. No, I don't need this. I can get on perfectly alright. And no dependency issues there.

I went back to the lobby looking for Chairwoman. Only to be comforted with the sms I just received as I was in the lobby. She's changing out of her superhero uniform. She's going home.

And it's time I should too. There are 6 clocks in the office. I must be keeping working hours of some time zone not on one of the clocks in the office!

It's time to sod off. And by the time I reach home, I will be very happy to meet my bed... again..

Last night, I got a ride home amidst educational music not from my time, not that I won't recognise. But not my time, at all.

Thursday.. and the weekend draws closer...

The weekends drawes nearer.. I got nothing to look forward to this weekend. No activities. No friends. Nothing. (Not entirely nothing, if you consider WC)

But it was a Thursday. Unprecedented Thursday.

I had lunch at 5ish. With Chairwoman. It was the first time today I saw her. And she spent an hour telling me two disappointing news and I couldn't eat another bite. She ended up patting me on the back as I keep rubbing my chest. If I was any more the Drama Queen I am, I would have threw my guts out on the floor when she shared information.

I was caught at my desk from 3 onwards. Trying to clear this desk is like Mission : Impossible. And I start my leave on Saturday after 1 pm onwards. Something for me to look forward to.

Spending some time with my parents and Julius. Julius who has been so looking forward to this holiday that she calls me everyday at least twice. At least.

I had my frappucino delivered. (not really) Unfortunately when I went to pick it up, it had melted. But it's the thoughts that counts. And with this person who bought me my frappucino, it's amazing I got a corner of his thoughts and anticipation. I was impressed. Then again... this is how frappucinos in the late afternoons should be.

But a bigger concern was... the question... what could actually make me leave office?

It's 20 past 9 and I am still here. And the conditions of which held me to this 4 letter word has not changed. I hope to be closer, as I get a clearer picture. Instead of just peering above my cubicle. Not to notice Zero or The Ego, but just to know... The end is near.

Means to an end, girl... Means to an end..

The evenings alone...

When I'm home alone... I have this habit of chilling the room... dimming the lights.. scenting the room... playing Mr. & Mrs. Smith. (until I realise my CD got stolen)

Last night... I took out the Jamie Cullum CD and replaced it... with one CD that I have been procrastinating in beginning to listen to it. I bought this album with June back when Tower was where it was meant to be. That's some time back already...

Diana Krall - The Girl In The Other Room

For some reasons.... I didn't know if I wanted to start listening to this album. I didn't know if this album was going to speak to me.

As I padded at home around in my home clothes, I know JC would know where I keep my mobile. Especially if I'm on the line. I smiled. And as I stayed clumsily on bed balancing my uh. . (never mind) I was grimacing. JC used to grimace when I told him I do make notes for postings on my blog.

I know I'm not Anne, I know I won't be Anne, I know I won't be Carrie, but I know I'm Shine. And some times, with some things, selectively, I forget. Not often, but I do forget. So I write notes. Especially during weekends.

I played Diana Krall's album. I'm not new to Diana Krall. I normally play The Look Of Love. But being alone makes it easier for me to handle The Girl In The Other Room.

I played it. And I didn't stay in the room long. I couldn't. I have a date with Grissom. And with H after Grissom.

And I spent an hour with H for keeping a promise.

Qert is as Qert does

This morning, I caught Qert, almost a mirage. Now you see him, now you don't.

Min bought the entire KLCC. I would be eluding as well.

But then. Qert is as Qert does.

Maximizing time is his hobby. And he was on MSN Mess with me while downloading. Information overload. Qert, you should know when to STOP DISGUSTING ME. Still.

Thanks for the comment on blog. I kept another one.
The one in reply to the cover of On The Edge magazine mms I sent. It read, eat and be merry.

I sent it to Qert and said, "here. i'm not telling you something. the mags are"

he replied : ok be fat. be happy and fat. 22/10/05

Some defining moments....

I had a favour to return this afternoon. And I didn't procrastinate on that. It requires a lot of gushing and pretentious shit, but I did it anyway. How often would I?

I went back to the deli where I used to go for my feel-good hugs. I don't need them no more since I left. Sometimes, still, a little hug would be nice. I remember going there and no hugs available.

But no, I went back there today. I was at the counter, busy with the album, having to comment. I don't know who's album could look as good as mine. (Heh)

It was then my mobile rang.

"Hey bookie, Mrs. Khor! Guess who I saw. Guess who checked me into my room! Mr. Khor!!"

Ahh..

"You know the lobby? (I don't) I walked into the lobby and guess who I saw. The most friendliest smiles I have ever seen. Bla bla bla bla"

My trusted No. 2.
My husband.

All, in the same phone call. In the same conversation. In Qert's uncompromising lack of breath gush. He should have been there with the album. He would have sincerity. Me, I was just.

Qert was enlisted to assist with a simulation, Boss put him up to it (who else) And since Qert is unemployed (by choice) so what the heck. He took Min Yee out for a stay and left her shopping in KLCC. Booked his wedding dinner banquet hall, some friends who would be there. Made some important calls.

"Do you think everybody would experience this as the T's experience?"

Qert, it's only because you know them already. If I was there, you'd be slapped in the face for coming to show up at MY simulation. And in causing an 80% simulation run. If I was doing that job, I would have slapped you then look for Boss and slap him.

Of all the gin joints..

What did I say about small world going smaller??!!

Being a horrible person

Being a horrible person must have been what I get and deserved to have a morning like mine. I went for a quick UG and I had at least 4 missed call. I was urgently required at Purchasing.

And I was always conditioned to believe, I'm urgently required with whatever my Boss says so. Not by Purchasing saying so. And I told them that.

No wonder I'm not favourites.

So, that aside. I settled it after I let 8 people poke pin into me and made me laughing stock and object of regret. I couldn't be bothered. I was too thick skinned for that. And the remarks that comes out of people's mouth. And to think that I always thought, important people are around to make important decisions, not to mock the unimportant us down on the food chain. My respect for that entire office just went to nil.

I went back to office and recounted the entire ordeal to them. And warned them, stay out of my way today. Just because they rubbed off bad on me, doesn't mean I won't pass them on!

With that, I started talking to good old Dan. Who reminded me what an ass we made of ourselves on April Fool's Day. I wasn't at work. But it seem my cute china doll was on chat with Dan. And he made her so upset.

"Last night I got drunk and I'm feeling brave... I think I may have feelings for you."

And my sweet china doll never spoke to him again.

I brought her up because she's been in my thoughts lately. And she would be the kind to send anoymous messages.

Allergy

I remember some time ago, when I still know how to be "allergic" to names. Back when I still bothered to be. Now, it's just another name. Just another face. Just another shrug. Next!

Today, like every morning, I stopped at Planet for my anchoring triple shot grande latte to go. And I peered into the bowl. In lay, name card. One old allergic name I that used to be on my list. Right on top.

The hostility industry is a small one to be in. She's down the road. Just opposite Planet. And she's probably one of the many few sitting right here. But I didn't want to know which one. I didn't want to know. I hope I remain anonymous. (I doubt) The team here knows me too well, my coffee ready before I open my mouth for order. My greeting as I walk in the door. It's sooner or later, that she would know. I'm right there.

And I know she would choose not to react. She would choose to not know me. Because I did that with her. Who would want to come up to me and say, "Hey, I'm like an Alice in your life".

If she knows what's good for her, she will stay away from me.

And I won't stop going to Planet, my Planet, the same one I've been going to for the last 5 years, just because she goes there too. Just because we share a Planet. Just because her name card is there. Just because she's right opposite, so am I.

Plus, I couldn't be bothered. She's just another one. I just don't know if she knows that too.

Italy vs Australia

Everybody knew Italy was going to win.

I went home and showered, just in time for kick-off. There is only two person in this entire world who knows what corner kicks and free kicks are all about : Beckham and Totti. And Totti wasn't in main line-up. I was upset.

I like Totti. He's got this great hair cut compared to his previous one. And he's an amazing play maker.

I watched the match between clenched fingers. I was agitated. It came to a point I wish the Aussies would kick their ass badly.

Then Totti came on. And my mood lightened. "Here comes our goals!" I texted a friend.

Earlier I said : "No Totti. No great hair cut on the field. No goal? Sigh"

So I knew he was gonna score.

But the circumstances in which he did.. that was what almost killed me. That was bs. And we all knew it. I did want them to win, but.. not in those circumstances. I was going to kill Totti.


Or myself. Whichever applicable.

Music in the evening...

With an office full of us of advanced age, and a juvenile... it was so easy to relate...

I wondered should I go or should I stay, the band had only one more song to play. And then I saw you out the corner of my eye, a little girl, alone and so shy. I had the last waltz with you, two lonely people together. I fell in love with you, the last waltz should last forever. But the love we had was going strong, through the good and bad we get along. And then the flame of love died in your eye, my heart was broke in two when you said goodbye. I had the last waltz with you... It's all over now, nothing left to say, just my tears and the orchestra playing. La la la la la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la. I had the last waltz with you... La la la la la la la la la.

It got us singing..

Princess Flo said, "I hate this station. It's so OLD"

I grimaced.

She doesn't know what she's missed. It's not all about J Lo and Britney, you know... And no, Westlife didn't do the original Uptown Girl.

Sigh.

No, Michael Buble didn't do the original Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

I give up. Don't touch that dial!

Pink - my ongoing obsession

My pens keep getting stolen. This is a small office, of 3 islands. Yet my pens keep going missing. *not pants.

So what I did was, I bought supplies of pink inked pen.

Everything I write, everything I sign, is now pink.
Pink is my new obsession, I was corrected, pink is my ongoing obsession.

I remember who started me out with pink inked pens, these same ones I have.
I took the train, to go see her. At the end of the other station, I walked to her office. And spent the day with her. Boss made me. Boss sent me.

She was trying to explain something to me. Using a pink inked pen. I was so fascinated with the colour, I just sat there nodding. She hated pink. She hated anything to do with pink. So what she did was all her doodles were in pink. She just couldn't wait to finish the god-blasted pink inked pen. To her, she used pink ink because she hated it, and wanted to be done with it.

To me, I loved it so much. It made sense to me. I left her office, and stole her pen. She wouldn't miss it. She hated it. I loved it. Might as well I have it.

It wasn't until I got back to her office, that I called her to say, "Hey, thanks for the pen."

It'll be too late till I'm in the neighbourhood again :-D

The last time I called and spoke to her, was early May. She's a great conversationalist. But could never get through how morbid a person I am. Or how dark I can be. Albeit, she was one of the good guys. I like her.

If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be having pink inked pens. :-)

What you could do...

Instead of biting my nails, I end up filing them.

Instead of reaching out for my mobile to tap messages, I painted my nails.

When x bothers you, do y.

Point of reference..

I was very worried, for a while, because my point of reference for anything and everything has left. Comforts of still being close was not extended, and I think maybe it was better that way. Because I would probably take for granted then. I know I have benefit from this before and it's been a good few years.

I could still text my point of reference. I could still pick up the phone and call my point of reference.

I did just that on Sunday. And, I got a reply.

Then I realise, it's not as bad as you expected it, was it? Only a phone call away. And he will still slap you silly when required. God knows he does that with everyone. He probably enjoys it.

Thank you for being around. Thank you for being so knowledgable. Thank you for agreeing that Sean Bean makes a great villian. Thank you for your influence in MEAT.

Smelling like home...

I love spending Sundays smelling like home. Because :
- no one touches the remote except me
- no one comes near me
- no keeping time, no watches
- my Sunday's packed to the brim as is

Like I said to TCP of dinner the night before, the only way I can keep relating to having a husband, is to keep referring to him as "my husband". End of comment.

I woke up on Sunday, earlier than planned. Watched my CSIs at noon. And crawled back into bed. I couldn't sleep. I gave up after an hour. Still smelling like home, I went into the living room. I think I scared my mom away. She left me alone.

I put on my Sex & The City DVD Season 6. And continued. Continued with my obssession with Carrie's life.
Right about this point, Berger came into her life. Berger didn't matter. He was like every corner. And Big. Big called Carrie every so often. When he was teeing off, when he was in his hot tub, when he was in bed and couldn't sleep. And you think Berger couldn't get away fast enough. Try Big. He flew 3,000 miles away from Carrie.

Right about the part where Berger broke up with Carrie on a piece of Post-It... I couldn't watch anymore. I had to turn it off. Berger wasn't the one. He wasn't the one anyway, no matter how Carrie was trying. He didn't appreciate Prada. But at least he didn't insult her Roberto Cavalli outfit. I didn't care much about Berger anyway. But it was how insulting it was to Carrie that he wasn't man enough to break up with her face to face, but on a Post-It? That's it. What little I feel of the Berger-Carrie thing, completely gone.

At 11pm, I was showered and ready for the kick-off. It's going to be great! (as usual, great expectations lead to great disappointment)

I watched the race at 1 am, half-heartedly. With one eye closed. Kimi started 3rd from grid. By the first turn, he's already up a place. And before I receive another note on my desk from Jason Lai the niggah, I didn't fall asleep while watching the race. I only had one eye closed. The Red Menace is back! Done superbly well. I couldn't ask for a better race.

Goes to show, with trying to be half-hearted about it, one eye closed, I got a better race than I could ever ask for. Kimi didn't smash into the wall of champions, his spoiler didn't fly off, his engine didn't blow up. What else. Small hiccups during pit-stop, but hey, we got your engine started again. And finished on podium. And rightfully so, and The Red Menace put up a good fight. He deserves to be on podium.

As usual, my loyalty is with Kimi. My money's always with Alonso. That, cannot go wrong.

Lesson to learn, don't fall asleep watching the race. Keep one eye open so Kimi won't crash.

And, stay at home. No one appreciates it more than you do.

Saturday Night's Alright

Over the weekend, I stayed in a lot and only left the house when I have to. Like having dinner with Chairwoman and Jin-I-wanna-be-dorg-next life, is a have to. Saturday night. It was an important night. Last 16 starts. And I need to be home before kick-off at 11pm.

We were gonna have company for dinner. Chairwoman has always attracted people of.. very little credibility.. And as expected, they didn't show up. Because, what happens after dinner, was more exciting. And they didn't want to pay for drinks. Or be late, but laid. I don't know.

Jin, Chairwoman and I, had dinner anyway. Nothing was going to get in the way of me hurrying through dinner and then home for the kick-off.

I was wearing my sponsored Germany shirt smelling like a million dollars and a smile on my face. All for going home and spend it in front of the tv.

Murphy is as Murphy does. We couldn't get to the car fast enough, we couldn't get Chairwoman home soon enough, we couldn't get anywhere about enough. I missed kick-off. And subsequently the first goal.

I had to call Jin. And said, "My biggest fear. Remember what I was saying! It happened!"

Life's that way. Dinner was my diversion of what else was happening on Saturday night. I was afraid I was going to miss kick-off, I did. I was certain that because I missed kick-off, I'm going to miss the first goal, I did. And Jin said, Murphy is not my biggest fan, I am Murphy's biggest fan.

I'm not. But. It's a possibility. Life. Is.

Jamie Cullum

Twentysomething.

I remember when Qert first loaded my Shuffle with Jamie Cullum. I was cursing. I didn't realise he was going to load some boy music into my Shuffle.

And in the quiet evenings of Friday.... And this one.. while waiting for Shine's Crap to return to my access, and my sponsored speakers to arrive...

What a difference a day made, twenty four little hours
Brought the sun and the flowers where there use to be rain
My yesterday was blue dear
Today I'm a part of you dear
My lonely nights are through dear
Since you said you were mine
Oh, what a difference a day made
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy since that moment of bliss
That thrilling kiss
It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you, is you

My yesterday was blue dear
Still I'm a part of you dear
My lonely nights are through dear
Since you said you were mine
Oh, what a difference a day made
There's a rainbow before me
Skies above can't be stormy since that moment of bliss
That thrilling kiss
It's heaven when you find romance on your menu
What a difference a day made
And the difference is you, is you, is you

But For Now

Sure I know you'd like to have me

Talk about my future

And a million words or so to fill you in about my past

Have I sisters or a brother

When's my birthday how's my mother

Well my dear in time I'll answer all those things you ask

But for now I'll just say I love you

Nothing more seems important somehow

And tomorrow can wait come whatever

Let me love you forever but right now

Right now

Some fine day when we go walking

We'll take time for idle talking

Sharing every feeling as we watch each other smile

I'll hold your hand you'll hold my hand

We'll say things we never had planned

Then we'll get to know each other in a little while

But for now let me say I love you

Later on there'll be time for so much more

But for now meaning now and forever

Let me kiss you my darling then once more

Once more

But for now let me say I love you

Later on I must know much more of you

But for now here and now how I love you

As you are in my arms

I love you

I love you

I love you

Chairwoman - The Expert

Chairwoman knows that it takes to "get" me. She knows what it is, to have me stringing, biting out of her hands...

And today she texted, "Ho ho u gonna be more crazy s u hv d smell left behind" in reply to my horror text to her, "OMG. Need to talk. I.. smell ..."

We exchanged texts into the night and she said, "It's 8. What time do you want to leave...?"

"See lah, you didn't consult first. Now you have to think about 3 pairs of glasses. Crazy crazy!"

It's a very strange thing... since Chairwoman said that he's back, my sponsorship has somehow been jinxed. I was going to slap Chairwoman. Knowing me, knowing Murphy, it's not a strange thing. It's the next thing.

So, with no sponsorship, with the end of the month looking up at me just around the corner, with MNG having sales, I pray and ask for strength. (and maybe less coffee)

Reminiscing....

It's 4 letter word weekend again.

If there's one thing about pain that I could relate to best, is to read JC's blog. What then used to be called an "online journal" on this site called Easy Journal. JC used to keep this journal. I know it was something he didn't want me to find. I remember reading it. And I remember how I felt when I was reading it. He was as difficult to catch on print as he was in person. But then, I wasn't trying to catch him.

But being able to read JC was a relieve for me. It meant that somehow one way or another, he could put into words what he sometimes feel. Although to me it was a lot of rhetorics, but it was right there. I know it wasn't about me. I know it wasn't about anything to do with me. It was about her. And I read it. Till right now, still remembering how it felt.

I remember the day before JC flew off. He was haunting me outside my lobby. With the Jazz-of-my-life. I know I blogged it. He took a picture of me. And a picture of me next to him. And I could almost guarantee, he still has that picture.

And when I look at my Frank Sinatra album, when I read the cover of the album, I know who got me that. And when I listen to John Mayer, I know who's album I have stolen. Small prints. Small prints but good ones. I know I'm having my Crumpler because of one person.

Boss said that the most difficult thing to live with in life is regret. And I don't have that. I'm glad to say I don't have that. Except day after day I go home to my parents and try to be a better child to them. Throw less trantrums. Spend more time.

I don't know if it's good to remember, or good to forget. Or somethings just better left untold. Such estrangled friends we are now...

Carrie - White vs Bradshaw

I felt so Carrie White today. Until the last posting and realise, I wasn't about to let the June encounter stop me from doing an outstanding job. Nor was I going to turn Carrie White on Flip, or anyone else for that matter.

Thank you for always reminding me that I am able to do this and that I am strong enough to keep doing this.

The Bradshaw part about things was when I played Season 4 of Sex & The City. Just to spend idle time in front of the tv. It was nail biting. I have always had this Aidan vs Big thing with Carrie.

Aidan moved in. And Carrie was fighting with Aidan for her space. And he insulted her Roberto Cavalli outfit. And Pete chewed her Blahniks. I was going to kill Aidan.
And then there was Big. Big. The constant painful person in Carrie's life. Carrie had this addiction towards Big that she just couldn't... get over. Carrie was thinking that she deserve the pain from Big. I was going to kill Big. Until I realise... aren't we all creatures of each other's pleasure and pain?

And yet there, I was sitting right in front of the tv, having to put up with Carrie and her silly decisions and... did what I could to not bite my nails. I filed them.

Carrie needed two doors to the bathroom. And one was her escape route. I don't blame her. Moving in with someone... didn't really sink in with me until.

Carrie left her apartment with her lap and went to Planet Starbucks. To write her column. She has always felt like people who uses their lap at Planet were a pretentious bunch. Until she realise, they are all probably just like her. Just moved in with someone and wanted their space.

There is another reason why I enjoy Sex & The City.

Sometimes having friends means...

With Chairwoman and my new best friend, I was ready. I was prepared. And I knew it's all about being each other's emotional toilet. I have always left the ball in their court. Only with the two of them. And they know it. But with June...

With June. My frown queen. It was totally uncalled for and absolutely completely rude.

If I was away over the weekend for play, you can blame be for being selfish and said I wasted time away. But if I was away over the weekend on an unwanted trip that caught me splashed in mud wearing my Brazil shirt, there better be blood. And lots of it. There better be gore. And there better be brain matter on my baseball bat. It was a tight weekend. I am a bathroom person. And I didn't even spend enough time in the bathroom to my liking. I didn't even use the tub as often as I liked.

I didn't even look like I had a weekend in Tanjong Jara.

I hate foreign beds. I hate foreign pillows. I hate not being able to fall asleep no matter how tired I was. I hate not having AXN to catch my CSI Supreme Sunday. I simply hate it.

Our time there was so packed to the brim and we only had time to ourselves after 9.40 pm, mostly.

I kept telling June to remind me in the morning, remind me tomorrow. I didn't have time to drop by the Gift Shop. I am sorry.

She said : Doesn't matter. If it's so difficult, forget it.

I can do it. Just remind me.

She responded : Then forget it.


Today, I called June. I said, I'm sorry I forgot to bring it. But I did buy it.

She replied : I said no need right.

"So you want or not?"

Silence.

"So, you want or you don't want?"

Silence.

On hold music came on. And subsequently the dead tone.

Nice. Sure. Hang up. Be just rude and hang up. Don't even need to say a thing.

And I wonder why I bother running in the rain to go to the Gift Shop and didn't want to pick it up because I was afraid it will get wet.

Shine, you may be considerate about other people's feelings. But not everyone cares about your feelings. I'm blunt, I'm just going to say it.

That didn't make you a very nice person, June. That just topped you on my rude list.


Not everybody gets away doing things to me. Even Chairwoman. Even my new best friend. Ask her, she'll know. I no longer speak to her, for very apparent reasons. And she knows them.

With Qert Gone...

That frustration Calvin picture on his last posting, guess where he got that from. That was part of the pictures he stole from my thumb. Serves me right for travelling with my thumb and sticking it in places it shouldn't go to.

I went to his office today (what used to be his office) The lamp is still there. The comforting feel to it has left along with Qert. People were buzzing in and out the office. And I will no longer have a comfort office to make wantan at.

When Qert moved, everyone was telling me that the whole point was Qert was closer to us. Qert was closer to have coffee with, Qert was closer to come by and kick our ass. Qert was closer to come visit me and the children. Even Jason Lai the niggah said that. The whole point was Qert is closer! And then I moved away.

And sometimes visiting my children meant I could stop by and visit Qert. With that gone, today I went back to my old office. Cold. Cold cold place with cold cold people. So much for the warm, relaxed and refined ambience. They were afraid I was going to steal something. I was escorted.

I didn't mind it. I took CY with me. I wasn't about to go back to that office alone to get assaulted. CY dished it back, I didn't have to say a thing.

I sat at my old desk, picked up the used-to-be my phone and dialled out. Maybe they'd have disabled my password. The call went through. I raised an eyebrow. Impressed. They have let this slip.

With Qert gone, who would call me up and go "Hey Bookie!" Or who would slap me on the face and make sure I am breathing right. Who would send me text that reads : I don't know where you got this energy from, but whatever it is, don't stop! 04/01/06

And when I was frustrated and angry that I had to go to work on my day off : No, you are better than that. 20/12/05

And when I get so tired of every evening being in Cobalt 2 or Cesar 4 or Cesar 2. When every evening we just keep going upstairs, with our masks. When every evening and most of the time they wish the dusts would keep me shut up, Qert said in response to my question, "Why do I keep doing this!!"

"because you're the best at it" 5/12/05

Guess Who's Back!

Guess who's back. Back again. Shine is back. Tell a friend.


Watch out for this space. I can't promise it won't be a menace.

Happy Father's Day

I went on a trip to be in the water. I love my swimming suit. And I love being in the sun. And I love being in the water. But, I couldn't swim. But that didn't stop me from pretending I can.

When we were on the boat out, I chose a seat towards the sun, the wind through my hair, big-ass pair of sunglasses on my face and water that kept splashing up at me and I giggled so much.

Throughout the ride, with the strong wind against my ear, it was comforting to be able to hear my own thoughts. And I was thinking of my dad. Neither me or my sis was near him, Jerri Berry was in Penang. I was on the east coast. We've already had his dinner planned. We've already had his cheque written out. Before we went on the trip.

I was thinking about some of the decisions he has made to raise me as the person I am today. I bet he didn't know I was going to get married and still live with him. He didn't see it coming. This is the man who instilled fear in me for getting on a bicycle. This is the man who psycho-ed us into not believing in headaches. This is the man I know let loose with me, more than my sister. This is the man, who looked at me and see .. a son.

This is the child, he had. Who loved being on the horizontal bar. The one who came home more injured that having ride a bike. His choice. I was only proving to him the difference between indoor and outdoor activities.

This is the man who made grills on a second floor balcony. And when we went visiting, asked kind hosts to have the sliding doors locked. Because he knew I had a fascination with heights. I love the vertigo effect.

I had time to reflect on myself, the person I have become. The effect my dad have on me. And the cat and mouse game we still play with the remote. And how he always threatens to have Astro unsubscribed. And how unfilial me always threaten to withdraw his allowances.

Such is the game we play. And I can only hope I raise better children. My parents did everything they could for me, to be a better person. The most important thing they wanted to instill into me was these values and I could tell right and wrong. Then with lots of prayers and much needed silent tears from them and me, I did my venture and came home burnt.

I was still in college, I remember my mom raising her hand at me. And I stood there deserving it. She would hit me until she broke down and cry. And I would be standing there, defiant. She would then confiscate my mobile phone and make me go to my room. Time and again, I do such silly stupid things. And my mom moved all my stuff out into the staircase and said I could move out. They don't want me anymore. Where was my dad when all these was happening? He couldn't bear to see me.

I said to her, if anyone is moving out, it's her. It's not so easy to get rid of me.





Don't say things you don't mean. And don't say things that you know hurt you. Everyday when I look at my parents, I hurt and remember what kind of person I have been. And how amazingly flexible they have been with forgiveness. And I wonder if I am ever capable of that.

I know I still go to her lap and cry. And she still hold me like I belong there. And never asked. Never breath a word about why I am crying on her lap. No complaints. No questions. No judgements. Just her child, rightfully in her embrace.

And I still haven't brought myself to be able to forgive myself for the ugly things I have said to them before.

I have amazing parents. And if I ever had a child like me, I would have wished myself into the ground.

So right here, I am breathing the breeze and the sun on my face. When the boat came to a stop, I took a look around. I took 5 minutes and many many deep breaths. And with that, I went with a brave heart and strong will. It's going to be cold, what the heck, I jumped anyway.

I'm going to go home and hug my mom. If I have a chance, rest my head on her lap.


Happy Father's Day.

-Updated on 22nd June-

Happy Birthday, Chairwoman

Chairwoman is as Chairwoman does.

This time last year, we did our same old routine. Dinner at our pale place, me in my pale outfit. Again.

I was stupid enough to leave home without making sure I had enough battery on my mobile. And I was already out. I panicked, and called Chairwoman so she knew where to find me. I had to be somewhere close to the public phone and can be found.

The first thing she did when she saw me, was hug me. I was so lost. And she was so there with me.

We were out on a mission that day. I had to buy a pair of shoes. And Chairwoman loved to see me spend some money.

That's what we did. We went accessories shopping and bought a pair of slippers. Just Do It. And I did.

We went on to have a quiet dinner just the two of us. And shared a phone. She has this blinking thingy on her mobile. And everytime it vibrated with a text, we both held our breath.

Reminds me of my new best friend, she was always holding her breath when my second phone vibrated. She was afraid it was him. And I was afraid it wasn't. I could swear, if my new best friend had her way, she'd have thrown away that phone. Far away from me.

My new best friend saw me today. I got back to work today. I sat at the workstation next to hers and began checking my emails. She came up to me all smiles and welcome backs... and nice little words that normally would have be getting into trouble with her all over again. She had a way with her. And if she always had her way with her, she wouldn't have did what she did that made me stop talking to her.

I didn't speak to her. It pained me. I remember holding her, keeping her strong. And there is only so much I could do. The rest was up to her. I guess the rest is, up to her. I have yet to be able to forgive her and forgive me for my silence with her.

Yeah, I count my blessings everynight. I also count my sins everynight. And keeping mum with my new best friend, was one of the sins I want to move on with. I don't think she understood how important what she had to do was, to me. She was proving a point. How many people would take the first step she did.

Chairwoman and I spoke of consequences. We spoke of many things. We spoke of everything we've got. And I always make it a point to spend some time with her during her birthday. God knows how defined days like that are. I always wake up crying on my birthday.

And sometimes I know calling Chairwoman, would mean I will hear exactly what I want to. But instead, I always call Qert. And he will always say the right thing. Not the emotional things I needed to hear, but always the right thing.

A lot of consistent people in my life go away. Even the biggest fan of my life, JC. What-do-you-want-in-life-JC. Even JC. Even Jazz-of-my-life-JC.

I thought about JC when I was alone over the weekend. I have never met a person in my life that took so many pictures of me. I have never met a person in my life more obliging than JC. And it was so weird to be finding JC and Qert both at the same wedding dinner. Small world go smaller.

With Qert gone, with JC gone. Thank you for reminding me that I don't need a slap, I am strong enough to close my eyes for 3 seconds and tell myself that I can do it. I am strong enough to do it.

I could almost be monolouging Elliott in Be Cool. Bring It On.


Time to go home and sleep and wake up again for my team playing at 3 am.

-Updated 22nd June-

Time to bring it out again!

My checklist! Away for a week!

Ah, sod it. Wtf with the checklist anyway.

Does this look like a face that cares?

The Good Doctor's Advise

Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood

I went to see the Dr. today. And I dreaded the words that came out from his mouth. As usual. An earlier posting had this same fear.

He said : I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to help you there.

The last time he said this to me, I asked him for a cure to my stupidity.
This time, it was more a medical thing.

And I left his office feeling... almost.. almost helpless.

But I still have my Happy Pills. Not so helpless afterall.

Now go be outstanding!

Tender

I have been searching for this song since I was 19. By Blur.

I finally received this song via messenger this evening. I feel so blessed.

I shared this song, and have certain associations to this song. And I have a feeling that she won't remember it at all.

When The Going Gets Tough

I start throwing things.

And then I realise this is the reason why I loaded up on the Happy Pills yesterday.

My table's cleared now. I've thrown away pretty much everything, except the monitor, that I found too heavy to lift. And almost my Frankfurt mug.

And then I wonder how did I get to accumulate so much rage today. I am crying right now for my chipped beautifully manicured nails.

And yet here, I said to Chairwoman, be mindful of consequences. I clearly wasn't thinking.

You Gotta Be

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears

Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger

You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Readin' the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time

Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
my oh my hey, hey..

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face



This is the song I used to start my day with, at my first job. I was part of the opening team of CBTL in Crown Regency. Prior to that, we were all scattered around to all CBTLs. I started at my first CBTL in Bangsar. And that was the song I start my day with. Every morning.

I moved on from Bangsar to Sunway to KL Plaza. Then finally ready to open CBTL Crown Recency.

I remember how fun it was to be young and free. Branigan's was behind, Heaven was in front. Those were the days.

And it's probably an overload of CBTLs, I never went back there. But with such fond memories. I should take a walk down it soon...

I'm With Stupid

Pet Shop Boys.

Even with on Chart Hits I can never escape them. What Have I Done To Deserve This?

Time To Change

I said earlier that until I find a repeat, I won't change stations. It wasn't until I heard Africa by Toto, that I realise it's time to change.

I changed to Chart Hits. It had Kelly Clarkson, Craig David, Pink. Okay, music for evening alone in the office with reports still to complete. The office's left now. I am right where I belong, doing right what I'm supposed to be doing. I am probably in the right track.

And no, not a happy today sad tomorrow story. It's going to be... size 25 today, size 32 tomorrow. In some extended lengthy tomorrow. With the amount of time I spend on this seat, I should get an i-Desire.

While the rest of the world is spending time watching the matches.....


Time to change.

Hah, Happy Pills. Time to pop one and get back to the number crunching.

Everything She Wants

For a Monday, my day's been going on quite well. I started it with breakfast on the phone with Chairwoman, my usual latte at Planet, office, Boss, Planet with The One with The Tie on The Couch, newspaper, Alonso, voice recording.

Everything went fairly well. And I am still on my 80s Flashback station.

It's not easy, but I guess I will have to learn how to bite back and how to move cheese.

Why we have friends...

And that is only part of the 80s education I am having.

This morning, due to fellowshipping alone, I had Chairwoman on the line with me. She have been thinking very little while working and thinking very much while off duty. Given her assessment of the overnight shift situation, I would say she isn't thinking at all. I would never jeopardise my work that way.


This is the part where even Chairwoman would say I'm too pin. I just don't think anything is worth side tracking my destination office for.

But then again, different people for different needs, for different wants. A destination office for Chairwoman right now, is nowhere on her priority list. Again, I'm older than she is. It's time I get serious about this. Maybe her paradigm shift will come in the next few years...

I received her text this morning, after our conversation, I do realise I did give her some thoughts to crunch on. She said : I can't sleep. I've been thinking so much. I really don't know why I'm doing this and when this will stop.

The tune to my song has always been the same : If this is what you want. Even if it's for right now, and it makes you happy. Don't think so much. Just let it happen. But be mindful of consequences.

I didn't know if she was seeking approval with me, or if she was seeking comfort with me. But what I do know is, she's on leave and so will I be soon.

Chairwoman : We need to talk. A real long conversation. Stop text.

I Get Weak

I remember where I was lying on, when I wanted to start a blog. For a while, I was sending out my postings to a mailing list. But there came a point when I said I should just publish it on a blog. And then people won't have to keep receiving my postings via email. And I won't fall into Spam.

I was lying on the floor of Devi's living room. She just moved in. She finally did it. Got her own place and moved in with a few good friends. I was lying on her floor looking at the ceiling fan. The place was empty. I remember having a picture of the ceiling fan as I lay on the floor. I love taking pictures. Thank you, you houseful of girls, for being at the wedding dinner. I realise that I have some pretty amazing friends... and the extent of what you girls did for me, has no limit.

Then I thought I should blog the pictures. I should blog.

This was last year. Jan 2005. And I keep telling her she chose a right place to move into. It was so close to the tower. And since I just got the job in Jan 2005, I figured I will probably see Devi's place more than I would home. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I've never been to Devi's place again after the triple celebration and house warming.

It wasn't until this morning that I was reminded of Jan 2005. That's when I started this blog. That's when I started the Mom job.

And yes, I'm still on my 80s Flashback. I will be on this station until I find a repeat. And yes, it does feel like the weekend. And no, I wasn't trying to show off my 80s music knowledge. I know very little of it. It's not my time, you said. I hope that was only applicable on music knowledge.

Afternoon

I was preparing gonna go out for lunch, I went to the bush and came back to my desk to find one dedicated tune playing on my mobile. I knew who it was, instinctively. It's been dedicated to only one person.

It was a text.

Time for me to run and hide... again.

The Sun Always Shine on TV

It wasn't until I heard this song this evening on my 80s Flashback station, that I realise it was an a-Ha.

And.. the sun doesn't always shine only on tv...

It was shared to me that if you got sunshine in your heart, it will never rain on you..

Have a good weekend. I'm going to sod off early this evening...

Contemplating...

Because of the trip smack in the middle of my leave... it didn't allow me the partying weekend with the Dancing Queen. And I wanted to go do some retail therapy to feel better.

I somehow couldn't seem to be making the most out of it. Qert couldn't get back to me till Sunday. Jin was somehow flexible. Me, booked up over the weekend. And worse was ... we probably need to postpone until after my trip.

This is not the only thang being planned, being postponed.

You can imagine my frustrations. I was going to pull my hair off.

I've been thinking very much about going to spend time in the sun... it's not long now.. a preview in a week, and an honest true-to-self one next month. And Jules has just texted me this afternoon to say she's in. Finally. The complete party. We're on.

So what will happen is.. Jamie will be hosting our stay next month, and .. bearing with me as I spend the few nights watching Semi Final 1, Semi Final 2 and 3rd / 4th place play-off. I cannot imagine spending a better holiday.

It's been forever that I was telling Jamie, to plan our itinerary to include a lot of sunning for me. I don't need much else.

It is only a few weeks away.. Solid numbing, solid sunning, solid bliss.

Now I realise why I found myself in Roxy. I'm going to be needing .. a lot.

Your Love Is King

Because I'm a soundtrack person... I was listening to the soundtrack of Bridget Jones : The Edge of Reason. (For some known reasons, I'm doing a Bridge)

The first song on the track, Your Love Is King by Young Will.

Lousy.

The 80s Flashback station I am still on, played the Sade version. And then I realised I am so blessed. But almost random. Feels almost familiar. Like my Shuffle. But still blessed.

It's A Sin

Pet Shop Boys.

This morning, I got into the office with a comical bump-in with the Powers That Be on the lift landing. I was holding my coffee and ducked into the office. I didn't want to stay around, but they were in my way. And I hate the way the creature look at me. He doesn't blink and he doesn't look like he hears what I'm saying. I said good morning. And he just smile and looked at me. Anyway, why bother wasting my time.

I got into the office and realise one tune was playing in my head, Toni Basil's Hey Mickey. So what I did was tune in to online radio again, 80s Flashback!

Hungry without breakfast, I asked Abg Saad if he has anything for me to munch on. He doesn't. I opened my drawer to find expired bun. And Abg said, "What could be worse than going hungry?"

Decided against. Too close to the weekend. And stayed hungry.

Wasn't a very good choice of music for a morning so close to the weekend. I was laughing when Madonna came on, it's my catchy Madonna tune, Into The Groove.

And then there was INXS, and I think of one person.
And then there was a-Ha, The Living Daylights, and I think of one person.
And then there's Pet Shop Boys, It's A Sin.

Okay, message has been delivered.

Next!

Message In The Morning

I went for my usual morning anchoring triple shot latte to go.

And then I realise, I'm getting messages on my drink.

Chairwoman - and why sometimes she isn't...

I called Chairwoman with a confession.

June and I knew she was getting her number back today. June sent her a blank. I sent her a "testing". And when we received delivery report! Guess who's back!!

Because I was in the office.. and Boss left 3 hours ago, I.. was busy up to my eyeballs in work. So June beat me to calling Chairwoman. When I called, she had to cut June's line to speak to me.

Number one, everyone had confusions who was the sponsor behind the pair of air. And that, was my confession to Chairwoman this evening. And her reply was, "Guess who's back! Back again!"

Yes, Eminem. But, it wasn't me!

"Okay. Tell me again. I seem to have clouds around me."

And I did. And she laughed. Laughed so hard... I laughed so hard too. And the office had to ask me to shush.

"I'm at KLCC. Should I come over to meet you for dinner? I can be there in 15!"

No need for the drama, Dancing Queen.

Wednesday Nights..

Are good nights to leave office early to do what's important to me. For the first time since March, I got home to an empty house. It was such a pleasure to remember that I do value my own company.

I had Chairwoman on text on the way home and throughout the alone, until I got to my slot in front of the tv. She's amazed, and counted the nights I have left office before 9pm.

About the time before I sat down in front of the tv, I was blowing my hair.. I was going through my closet briefly. And remember the baju I wore at Chairwoman's birthday dinner last year. There was 6 of us. That, was doing a Fridays on a Wednesday, Jason Lai trying to be funny.

It's been a year, and her birthday comes around again in a week. I remember I took leave last year to spend two days with her. And I made arrangements for lunch at Planet Hollywood and dinner at Fridays.

This year, it is two occasions on 15th June. Qert's last day and Chairwoman's birthday.

And this time last year, none of us would have expected Qert to leave the company.. He was such the godson. He was so jarred. (Private joke with Boss. ha ha)

Here I am again, trying to put the usual suspects together, for Chairwoman, and for Qert. Everybody knows for farewells, there's only one location. Yes, the same one for C2, the same one for Jin-I-wannabe-dorg-next-life, same one for Ash, same one for Mel-B. Everybody. Sucken is still the sucked organiser. I'm going to do it without Sucken, who sucks.

At some place, that is not the usual farewell party location. Some place The Godfather wouldn't find us. Unless of course Qert the godson wanted to be found. I will slap him and scratch Frostie. And the party would dismiss with The Godfather in sight.

Couldn't locate Qert. Unable to reach Chairwoman. Only got Jin-I-wannabe-dorg-next-life. Oh well, with Chairwoman.. it's still the same ball game as my new best friend. I'm only trying. And always on the outbox.

Because this year, I'm on leave during Chairwoman's birthday again.

Chin The Pink

Chin The Pink came to my office today to rob me off my lap.

My first fear was losing all my music on iTunes. Within seconds, Chin The Pink was working on moving Shine's Crap into a different shell.

I couldn't bear to watch. I couldn't breath. I left the office for a walk. I went to see CY in her office.

Wasn't it enough that I have to make a last minute pin trip in 10 days. There are reasons why I took leave on those crucial dates. There are reasons why I choose to be at home over weekends. Especially the weekends following this Friday. There are too many important things for me to leave behind. Things that only come around once every 4 years.

There are reasons why I have slots on Sundays in front of tv uninterrupted. And yet this habitual creature has problem with adaptability. Still.

With the scowl on my face, I almost turn Chin The Pink into Chin The Bruised.

Chairwoman - and why she is...

I called Chairwoman with a confession today.

It's so difficult for her to do this job. Two weeks out of a month, she's scheduled for overnight shift. And there's 6 of them to even things out. Yet, she is the only one who is always on overnight shift.

She came back from leave yesterday to do ONE DAY morning shift followed by 8 nights overnight.

So what she did was, she went home to see her mom with her sis. Her home is an hour away by commuter, and is fondly known by June and me as the Land of Broken Down Taxis.

And at 1.30 pm, instead of being asleep, she was out shopping with her sister and her mother.

My confession wasn't as interesting as her relavations. I was all-ears.

There are reasons why I miss you! Who else would be awake in the daytime with such interesting gossips when due to work overnight shift.

Her warning to me was that she doesn't want to see me, for any of the 8 nights when she's on overnight shift. Yes, madam!

KRU - Fanatik

Searching this album cover, is like it does not exist.

This is the album and song that lab partner, Ferrie, and I used to listen to '97.

I'm the only person in this office that knows this local band. Made in Malaysia. No one's interested. But great lyrics to be waking up to. And such a walk down memory lane. I never enjoyed lab session but Ferrie and I stuck on each other for 2 years, pulling each other thru classes after classes.

We were both stuck in Class A, always lining the bottom of the class. And no idea why we chose to do sciences. We sat right at the back of the class and couldn't be bothered with any classes.

Ferrie has over-achieved. Baby is due mid July.

This is the girl I've known since I was 9. Whose mom remembers me as the girl who is always running in her baju kurung.

Happy Day

Was having Chairwoman call me when I was packed in overloaded monorail to say, "YO!!!!!!!!" It was the friendliest voice I've heard in about a week.

Was having Chairwoman put together lunch. With June.

Was having June said that I'm not a person. I'm a bubble.

Was having two friends back from leave and couldn't wait to tell each other stories about their days off.

Was having to look at a pair of shoes and then try it on. And it feels like heaven.

Was having a paper clip in my hair with pink ribbon (thanks to Rina)

Was having people call me childish with pink ribbon in hair and me correcting them, it's called improvising.

Was having claims for my sponsored Air received.

Was having text Chairwoman : Claims received! And a little bit more!!

Was having receive a reply : I am so jealous.

Was being able to keep in touch with Chairwoman on text after 3.30 pm. She has been so out of reach for the last few weeks..

The worse kind...

Of music to be listening to is Alanis Morissette.

But that's what I did anyway. Because Alanis Morissette has been there since I was 15 and she will always be there.

I also mixed in some Moby, Nelly and some Gwen Stefani. Just to try to smooth it out. But nothing ever beats Alanis in delivery of how she gets it right.

This afternoon when I was hiding in my hole.. I took my Pod with me and listened to Frank monolouging. That made me smile a little.

But Qert's Pod didn't have Elton. That would have been great. He did have Ladies & Gentlemen. For The Heart vs For The Feet. It wasn't until I got to Feast on the way back that I realise they were playing Careless Whispers.

Almost ... almost appropriate.

Everything

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

Heroes In The Dark

Yes, I meant to take this picture dark. And yes, I am trying to say something.

I am very blessed. On Saturday, Gine decided impromtu in between dry pan mien that we should be watching a movie after lunch at brunch. I wasn't dressed for movies. I wasn't dressed for anything with my bling blings. I thought it was just gonna be lunch at brunch and then onwards to Secret Recipe, or Planet Starbucks. Like last time. And the last time before that.

So what happened was, I jumped into FiBi's car and we went on to Mid Valley. She left her car for jockey. Gine and Kath went on for half an hour looking for parking.

Feebs and I hopped on different queues back into McDonalds trying to get a queue, whichever faster. And since I was already on queue, I also bought tickets for Sunday.

And because I was not dressed for movies, I went and bought a pink top. Purely coincidence. I was forced to shop. It wasn't me.

So I watched X-Men twice. On the same weekend. I wasn't as lucky as Yoon who sat between 2 girls on each side. No. It wasn't by choice.

When the movie ended, I finally got my long awaited Secret Recipe sit-down. I may have waited very long for that, but that didn't go very long. Within an hour, everybody was going off for their dinner plans. So I went home.

Saturday night was uneventful, until we spent about 15 minutes talking. And then I was home alone. That was quite an achievement. Considering we don't speak. We spend 15 minutes talking. I am still.. amazed.

I went to bed early on Saturday. I felt like I have over-achieved and I shouldn't be too ambitious. We did speak. He had to ask. He wanted to know how I reacted to FiBi. I wanted to know why I reacted to FiBi too. It was 6 years ago.

I guess listening to me speak about FiBi made me almost human. I wasn't that cold. I wasn't that distant. I wasn't that.. unfeeling. I definitely felt FiBi. And I spoke of FiBi like I have always spoken of FiBi. With fondness unrelentingly stringy.

And then I got left home alone. Opps.

That one hero in my life.. Blanked me and I fell asleep with a smile... Heroes in the dark..

When I watched X-Men for the second time, as he held Jean, it was the same as Van Helsing holding Anna. And I have this painful attraction for movies with such endings. Moulin Rouge. Casablanca, when Ilsa left with Victor. Feeling as if my insides has been kicked out, Rick said... Standing on the platform with a comical look on his face feeling as if his insides has been kicked out.

Walking

When we met up for lunch on Saturday morning, I was 10 mins late. I took the monorail. The rest of them drove. The rest of them car pooled. I took the monorail.

I walked from the monorail station to Kin2. And when I got there, my new pair of Nose has bitten me so badly I was going to cry. Now what did Mom say about good sensible shoes. No, I had to wear a pair that goes with my bling blings. Cute.

When I got there, (V)Gine said, "Shine, you.. walked?"

Yes, Gine. That's what legs are for.

And the Filth Element left the miniature at home. So no toyying with Jesse.

"Wahhh... can you believe it. Shine walked"

Really goes to say how much they don't know me already. Yes, I walked. And no, I'm still not driving. I can get to where ever I need to just fine, as I am.

No wonder Gine put on weight. And I also told her that.

There was a lot of blogger present that lunch. A total of 12 of us. Out of 12 of us, at least 9 of us blogged. And we were too busy with food to be taking pictures.

I walked out today. This afternoon. And really wanted to take my time. But what was really good for me right now is a hug. Chairwoman is on leave. June is on leave. I went to my usual hiding hole and crystalised. I tried to call Chairwoman. She would know where I am. She would know why I'm there. I hardly go there if there's nothing wrong with me.

I realise that with this job, I hardly have enough time to crystalise. I hardly have the place to crystalise. When I had the key to open a hundred doors, I could in any room, in any place. Even had the penthouse pool to scream my lungs out when frustrated.

I will have to adapt. I will.

This morning

I knew he's going to be away this week. And I woke up early to text. To say be safe.

And his usual reply : Thank you!

Okay, that's done.. What else for the rest of this week? No couch. No coffee for lunch. No direction. No peering above my cubicle.

And that sometimes I can be so totally insensitive.

I'm sorry.

Jules

Jules knows that she's a part of us as much as she is with her family.

Jules works in a Call Centre at The World's Local Bank. And she wakes up at 2.30 am for her pick up at 3.00 am and starts work at 4.00 am. Yes, we made her stay out with us last night till 11.00 pm.

Because we have been so blessed, we bought Jay Venn a gift. I was educated that any paranoid parents buy Avent. So what I did was I bought Jay Venn a giant water bottle. The one that could fit a can of Coke. No, not an actual can of Coke. Not the substance, the content.

Jay Venn didn't like any of us until Laine and Eric showed up. Eric thinks it's the kwai lo feature, the strong nose and almost balding look. Cute, Eric. Very cute. But it works. See the smile on Jay Venn...

I know with these dinner is a night I would gladly give up my Supreme CSI night.

Thank you, y'all... Truly truly blessed...

Sunday Night

Sunday night dinner. Jules and I took turn running away with Jay Venn.

Don't underestimate Jay Venn, he is 8.5 months old and is 14 kg.

Yes, I didn't get very far with Jay Venn.

Annual get-together

We do this once a year. Every year when Kath hauls her ass back into the country.
L-R : Shine, Kath, Gine. Wai Ye, FiBi

This year, was the first time we did the get-together twice in a year. Yeah, Kath hauled ass back twice this year.

Back!

I waited all morning for my slot in that prestigious office. The morning was in vain. The afternoon for a 40 seconds slot, was after 1.15 pm.

The One is back. With The Tie.

The only thing that could complete a Friday is : The One with The Tie on The Couch.

I realise how blessed I am. Truly.

Bad Day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day


Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

A reason why..

I think too much. I know that. Everybody who knows me knows that.

At certain unpredictable times, I bite.

Last night, while waiting for Grey's Anatomy, I decided to put a movie on to shorten the wait between 11.00 pm to 12.30 am. And I put on LXG. Which is usually a good choice. Some good Bond with delectable accent, lovely.

I almost fell asleep in front of the tv. But this is my only slot of Grey's. And I do not have any other slots in the week, Wednesday CSI nights and Grey's. Sunday CSI Supreme. Or the chequered flag, whichever preceeds the next.

This weekend, it's (V)Gine, The Filth Element, and FiBi on Saturday. And the girls on Sunday.

So I won't be home much and will be giving up Sunday CSI Supreme. I chose this Sunday because the race is not on. Less things to give up on. More things to keep me occupied and less time for me to think about everything relavant and irrelavant.

There is a reason why I should go home right about now this evening : My temperature is picking up. I have a splitting headache (which is weird because I grew up not believing in headaches) and my eyes are going red.

There is a reason why I should eat something today: There is no dinner at home.

There is a reason why I should feel great today: The One. The Sponsored Air. The new pair of shoes. The approved leave.

There is a reason why I am still in the office : I am still procrastinating. And I am prolonging my contactability for blanks. I am migrating from my lap to my desktop. I have lost my reason to keep peering above my cubicle into next destination but I know it will all come back on Monday.
But then the cycle starts again on Monday. And I will probably once again get involved in the casualties.

A reason why.. and I have lost track. I have never lost so much track. I don't go to The Couch because The One is not around to share The Couch with. I don't know and I don't get it.

I would prescribe myself a good 4 letter word. And the usual applies, if you hear from me, I'm still in the office. If you don't hear from me, then I am truly having myself a 4 letter word.

Contagiously Carrie

Carrie is contagious. Carrie is a bad influence. Carrie is so me..

Because I was so Carrie too, I went out to keep my afternoon like my morning. Bright and looking forward. He's back in town. What else worse that could happen? I am once again going to have the comfort of walking into his office. With or without him. Preferbly with.

After lunch, I came back to the office with a good pair of air and a good to look at pair of shoes.

I am so dangerous.

This morning...

This morning, I woke to a vibrating text. He's back. And I know he waited till a decent hour to send me a text to say he's back. Because his flight landed early this morning.

The moment I received his text, I said.. Welcome back...

It is one of two things that made this morning. There's probably not going to be more... because.. I have been procrastinating.. And let's just say.. delayed gratification.