True Dat

You're right. It's very very unlikely I will ever stop posting on my blog. I'm the one who just can't shut up. Or stop typing. At least over the weekend I know I had envious nails. And I didn't type till my fingers bled.

But right about now, it's time to move on. Isn't it?

I finished Robert and Sophie standing at the bookstore. I found Bean, but he's nicely wrapped up in plastic. So I grabbed the next best thing. So many unresolved. So many pendings. Time to close this one.

And I finished it. Of 20 pages odd, I finished it.

Maybe I could be a Jules, a revisit. And pick it up again. And put it down and know it's right there. Maybe I could move on. And find great company. I still have Bean. And with Bean, he's a revisit, until I get the next.

It's so sanguine of me. And it's right there. And I keep wondering why people could read me like an open book. It's on my blog. Yeah, it doesn't take a genius.

I turned down dinner invitation this evening. It was tempting. It was just the girls. It was just a Monday. A usual Monday, with the usual to expect. Nothing popping up that it shouldn't, because it always does.

I have Oceans Twelve playing distractingly on Friday night. That Friday night that I know I was not going to sleep. That Friday night that I have to be careful, and be quiet, and don't try to be alone. I was hoping that the distraction would work, but it didn't quite. I had many things on my mind, but mostly it was about the careful laid plans of being cautious and yet still have a hint of excitement. That was expected. And I had to sound excited without sounding scared.

And I use to think I was such an Academy Awards Winner. Until I realise that I am actually scared. And there are things at risk. And I better know what I'm doing. I took deep breaths. And I tried breathing right wrongly. And I kept breathing right wrongly after I started. And that, is not me.

I do not want to begin to recount Friday night. I hope that there won't be more nights like that. I wish that I won't be subject to more expected complacency.

And then realise I'm all talks. And wonder why I bother to grieve with Chairwoman in hopes of her making things right for herself.

My new best friend couldn't do it. And I understand her reasons. She's living with more things as risk now than ever. And with us, I know we've come to a point where we don't talk about those things anymore. Take a look in the mirror.


We were the hypocrites we say we don't want to be.

John Mayer on This Monday Morning

This Monday morning, is a day meant to be spent indoors. Indoors, under the sheets.

If you're trying to get up and go to work, please make sure your player does not have John Mayer on. I made a mistake. I didn't switch CDs. I let John sing. I cannot decide right about this morning if I should be shot for putting up with John or John should be shot for singing these blasted tunes.

All in all, it didn't make it any easier to get ready and go to work.

My dad's at home. Ready to send me to the monorail station, and I, was paddling around dragging my feet around the house. With a wistful look on my face. Wondering, where did John find all this inspiration to write songs that makes me want to shoot him, or myself, whichever applicable. And thinking about the brilliant scriptwriter of Casablanca.

Because I remember doing a scene in the taxi, on the way out to the city.

"What watch?"
"Ten o clock" (And I said, "ten watch")
And I continued the next line "Ah, such watch"

And to make Rick such a strong character.

I waited till it rained less. I didn't want to be rained out again this week. It's already so cold as it is. And I hate feeling cold.

Right about this morning, waking up, in the cold, with the rain, I have to agree with John when he said, Something's Missing...

I'm not alone, I wish I was
'Cause then I'd know I was down because
I couldn't find a friend around
To love me like they do right now
They do right now

I'm dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn't help the hunger pains
And a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is
At all

When Autumn comes, it doesn't ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is, no I don't know what it is
At all

I can't be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness
For loneliness like this

Something's missing
And I don't know how to fix it
Something's missing
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Something's different
And I don't know what it is
No I don't know what it is

Friends - check
Money - check
Well-slept - check
Opposite sex - check
Guitar - check
Microphone - check
Messages waiting on me when I come home - check

How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
What do you think it means?
How come everything I think I need...

Sharing my MEAT

It's really weird. I never thought I would. Then again, depends on what is your definition of MEAT. For me, it was really weird. The Pod was inherited. I know Qert well enough to know he's cheesy. And wired. And absolutely completely totally resourceful.

But seeing my gargatuan Pod, in someone elses' hands, makes me almost catch my breath. Everybody knows I'm very particular with my music intake. With carrying my own rhythm.

Okay, this is very strange. I cannot take the Jamie Cullum tune out of my head. But For Now... (This I have to mention, it is so so weird because I had lunch with the team of 4 pax and Rina was humming every tune she heard in every shop in every street. She's so easily brainwashed. And I told her that) No, I didn't hear this song at all today. I didn't even use my Pod today. But this Jamie Cullum song, this tune...

Wait, I was talking about sharing my MEAT. And grimacing, as he scroll through the antique first-gen heavy piece of shit. My space of 20 gigs. It's an inherited Pod. I don't know if I appreciate having what's on it. But till I can ... have my firewire card installed, I'll live with it. And knowing, at least there is a few great albums in there.

I played a song. And I was so transparent. He knew what I was going to play before I even play it. Why can people always read me like a book?

Well, there. It's been said before. And it will be said again, and repeated till it's drilled in my head. I am so transparent. And I am such a puppy.

It's so difficult to begin to say what and why and how come about everything. It's a whole big Alanis Morissette song playing one with the other on repeat.

It was a weekend, with very difficult decisions to make. But I made it. I gave up my CSI Supreme Sunday slot. I gave up my Race Day. 6 more races to go before the end of the Season. Missed 2 this year. Both misses with valid reasons.

I remember right about CSI Supreme Sunday slot, what I was doing last week. I gave up the slot too, to spend it with my mom and my dad, talking in their room. It was a different feeling completely. To be spending it feeling my breath catch as he scrolled my first-gen obsolete un-savvy Pod. To be spending it having a Chai Latte, over smiles I couldn't hold back. Over tears I also couldn't.

Sharing takes a lot of being strong. And unfortunately that Scorpio in me is a lousy crappy piece of posessive shit. And some things break me down completely. And I turn into this fountain I don't know why, or who it actually is. But I am. it.

I guess I disappoint me a lot. I didn't expect me to be quite like this. Even when I used to cry about work. Even when I used to cry on The Couch. Or in empty offices, or empty toilets. Right about in his presence, the tears shed unabashedly steady stream and I cannot tell why. This is actually about a person.


And if Qert was around, he would be asking me, "You left that already. Why are you still making wantan on my office floor?"

And it's one of those same reaction, shake your head and say it's work.

And remember, there's always Justin on your Pod that makes you want to sing and dance. There's always Qert on the line if you need to be slapped. There's always my mom at home, who lets me rest my head on her lap. There's always Jules, who would let me grab her eggs. There's always Jerri Berry, if I need a rude wake up call.

And there's always Florence's Mom if I ever want a lift. LOL.

Sza Sza Szu

I'm a Sex and The City person.

It's always Carrie this, Carrie that. My Carrie dress, my Carrie shoes. Getting there.. Getting there... I was reading again, about how the girls felt when the Season was coming to an end. It was painful. But however painful it was not having the girls again, Carrie had Big.

And Big wasn't just Big. Big have a name.

It was the day Carrie was flying off to Paris, for good. And Big, having leaving messages on her phone for more than a week, decided to wait for her, at her doorstep. And make her listen to him.

Carrie: You do this every time! Every time! What? Do you have some sort of radar? Carrie might be happy, it's time to sweep in and shit all over it?
Big: What? No, no, I came here to tell you something. I made a mistake. You and I.
Carrie: You and I ... You can't not do this to me again! You can not jerk me around!
Big: Carrie, listen to me. It is different this time.
Carrie: Oh, it's never different! It's six years of never being different! This is it! I am done! Don't call me ever again! Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name! And you can drive up this street all you want... because I don't live here any more!

Charlotte went to Carrie's apartment to pick up her mails.. and sees Carrie's laptop lying on the bed. And the blinking voice messages on her machine. It was all Big.

At the place where the girls use to have lunch together, there was one empty seat. And Big came, to face them. He said, "You're the loves of her life and a guy's just lucky to come in fourth"

I could slap Big.

Miranda : You haven't had a crush since Big
Carrie : Big wasn't a crush. He was a crash.

Sigh.

Eventful Saturdays

It's done. I've had two consecutive eventful Saturday. It was very much eventful. I was awake at 3.30 am. With my mom. And my dad. And we were being quiet.

In the small wee hours of the morning when the air is biting chills into my skin. And my mom was outdoor with me, with her sweater, and still in her jammies. And I feel like an ass dragging my parents out at 4 in the morning. And she wouldn't leave without knowing I'm safe in the bus, safe with the people I'm going to be with. Safe.

She was gonna go back to bed, and I was the pitstop she was making. And I wanted her to go back to bed. It's too early in the morning. I walked her back to the car.

Subsequently, the morning was spent having a cold nose, cold fingers, cold feet. Dark bus, last row, dim thoughts.

I was out on the streets by 10. I stopped by for breakfast, and a really kau coffee. Authentic. And started my day walking. It was hot outside. And I had my Pod with me.

I found the most amazing pair of Carrie shoes. It's gonna go so well with my Carrie dress. Everything about it screamed Carrie. And I was sold.

That Time Of The Year Again

Stop stabbing yourself with a spoon.

Stop going for this shit that makes you keep poise and when someone cracks a joke you can't laugh out loud. Mostly, stop going for this shit because everyone leaves with an envelope and you don't.

Think of it in a nice way : Did you earn it? Did you deserve it?

Breath right, Shine. They are not worth popping a vein.

You're better than that.

Music In The Morning

Music in the morning... in inherited Pods. I was thinking.. since he inherited the fourth gen Pod, did he have to put up with the music already Pod-ed? Dreadful to think about it. But I know he could get past it. He would move in his music. Fourth gen Pods are not restricted like mine. Firewire.

Excellent.

So it was with this music that I went to work with. I was wearing a frown and everybody could hear my music. It was angry, it was loud, it was Korn. Take A Look In The Mirror.

Today, I have an extra MTV HL card with me. Not so fast. If only it was what you think. But it wasn't. He asked my dad to run him a favour. I could slap him on the face. No one asks my dad to run any favours except me.

Lightweight!

This is one great moisturiser. I love it.

When the girl was trying to sell it to me, the one word that caught me was, "lightweight". Jules was insistent. She does not think this bottle of something could be at that price just because of one word.

I love that word.

The girl was not trying to sell it to me, I was sold. She had to sell Jules. You see, Jules was carrying my purse that day. LOL. And she said to Jules, "We won awards for this product!"

Jules replied : You better. For the price you're charging, you should have many many awards!

It doesn't matter to me. I bought it anyway. Jules couldn't stop me. And she wonder why I go shopping with her and bring her as my concsience. Actually, she was more of the pitchfork devil than the angel. And, she helps carry my shopping bag.

Here, meet my new best friend... Lightweight!

One Last Time!

You have no idea how happy she was to leave that office. She has been under the most watchful eyes of the ladies and gentlemen... the ones that provide warm, relaxed and refined ambience.

She was jumping out of her chair yippie2x- ing. But of course, she couldn't do that till most of the office was gone. And she was still there. Like most people. And she couldn't do her victory dance.

Since this morning, I was trying to catch her off-balance. And that smooth greeting I hear everytime I call her, was still there. With a lot of edge. At 7.15 pm, I decided to try.

One last time, Mie, one last time for crazy Shine.

She was too good for me. Too smart for me. She picked up the phone laughing.

"I have caller ID. You biatch!!"

She's not making it easier for me. I hung up. Waited a good 10 minutes. Went to an empty office, and dialled again.

Line forwarded, another person picked up the call. And I asked for her. And she came to the phone laughing.

"You're not gonna get one last greeting out of me, biatch!!!!"

I was laughing so hard. The entire office was worried.

Thanks, Mie. We've been through some weird and funny times. With Herbie and everything in between. You've provided good laughs when there were none. You stayed saintly insane when that was what it took to be what it meant, being in that office.

Kudos. You will be missed.

Hello...

I am in so much trouble.

I loaned my camera today. I was wishing her well. It was her last day. I cleared my stick to make sure she had enough space.

I made my card reader come back from his office last night so I could help her move the pix from my stick into her thumb.

She came to my office, doink didn't know how to use my camera. Yet when I sent her my camera she was pointing and shooting.

Here's some great pix I have, and some great pix that you have. It's the least I could do.

And I am still in so much trouble....

Surprise Email

This is Naomi. This surprise email came to my inbox this morning. And this picture has been on my desktop, all day. Even now.

Proud parents, Shirley and Isaac, congratulations.

A Better Tomorrow

I was six when this movie was released. My sister, 14, then drooling at Leslie Cheung.

This was the man that made trench coat an in thing. This was the man that made all the slow-mo-flying-thru-air-with-bullets-flying. This was the movie that started it all.

This was the movie that boys talked about when they wanted to become men. This was the movie that everybody my time grew up with and remember with pain.

Mark. Twin brother, Ken. But you don't meet Ken till Mark dies. And that's part two.

(But it's Chow Yun-Fat all the same)

With a great title to a movie, with a good positive note to start the day, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. There are more things at hand.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

You can't choose your family

Especially when you have a sister, your twin of 8 years apart. The only one you have. The only one you know.

It is the end of the month. The same crisis every month. I am bleeding through my eye to pay for the addiction of my triple shot grande latte daily. There will have to be new habits and some changes made.

I told my sister that my priority is different than hers. And that she should respect them. We got into a debate. It wasn't about me, or about her. It was about my mom.

It seems that when it comes to being an amazing daughter, nothing is ever enough. As much as she would love to hear my everyday, whenever and everytime I spend time with her, on her lap, in her room, on her bed, I tend to speak too much. Sometimes of things that are better for her not to know.

But I've always talk to her about what's important to me : my music, my dances, my partying, my friends, my work, my coffee.

My sister warned me. There will have to be some compromises.

The last thing I want for my mom is more grieve. From me. And with her birthday just around the corner... and so many things to do this weekend, early next month, mid of next month.

I am prepared to move from The Pit to The Rock Zone. And make some changes in my life. To make it easier on my mom.

And watch what I say to my mom.


That's what having sisters are for. She firms me. And keep reminding me she's here to make me a better person. If it takes a lot of yelling at, talking to, then she would do it. Say, she's her mom too. And our mom deserves better. And what kinda sis would she be if she didn't beat me into shape?

Conned

It's painful to hear. I've been conned.

And there, it was the highlight of my last week and the y to my formula. My Disc 5. My last disc. My last episode. My last Horatio.

I was conned.

Qert bought Season Four. Qert has 6 discs and 24 episodes.

I have 5 discs and only 15 episodes. I look like Lenore.

I cannot begin to describe how much this is going uphill bothways for me.

My sister said I was jealous. Qert said I am morbid. But underneath it all, I just want my Horatio.

Funny how my sis could say me jealous. She's a Scorpio herself. My sis said, H has got this look, like he's so sad all the time. And Qert's assessment was, H is edgy in Season Four.

All that my life evolves around is some fictional character. Talk about routine.

CSI Vegas Season Finale tonight. Watch Jim slip into coma. What kinda Season Finale is a Season Finale without Tarantino's two hours?

It wasn't me!

I was telling my sis about Marisol.

And she said if I was angry at Marisol for hording H. It's misdirected. It shouldn't be Marisol. But it doesn't matter. To me, it's all the same. It's someone. Marisol might as well be it.

And no, I didn't curse Marisol to an early death. She was going to die anyway.

Karma.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/csi_miami/episodes/424/

Blank

Besides Marisol, I don't remember what else makes me so mad. But that's not true. Actually there is one other thing that does get to me and makes me mad. Insanely mad.

I don't know if putting it down on blog would be discriminating or if it would be incriminating. I couldn't decide.

But I do know how I feel about this character, H.

My mom calls him H for Handsome. I call someone Handsome. I only call 1 person Handsome. And that's not H.

My mom calls people strange things. My mom called Filth Element James, MALAY guy. My mom calls Eugene, VOLVO guy. My mom calls Agent Cooper (from Twin Peaks) SERGEANT Cooper. But thankfully, she didn't get Diane wrong.

So it's not so bad when she calls H Handsome.

I'm so blessed.

CSI Miami Season Four Disc 5

I went home last night, showered and sat in front of the tv with my mom. I played my last disc to the Season Four. And I told my mom how much I hated Marisol.

The episode showed Marisol waiting for H outside the PD. And I screamed for my mom.

"Look. Look! Just look! Does that look like a sick person to you?! Does she look sick?! I'm so glad she's dying on the first episode of Season Five! BUT WHY CAN'T SHE DROP DEAD NOW?!"

My mom replied, "Yeah, she's too gorgeous to be sick!"

I give up.

Stop giving H this hope. Stop giving H this feel-good and take it all away in the first episode of Season Five. Stop doing this to H. H deserves better. H deserves to have lasting happiness. Stop. Just stop. Even if you're dying on H. STOP DYING on H.

"I can't believe she's taking away your Handsome."

Neither can I, mom... Neither can I. And the grieve he's gonna have when she's gone... That, was what I couldn't handle.

I'm down to the last episode to end Season Four. I have accelerated the entire season and now, only have one more episode to go. Before I no longer see Horatio. Before Marisol change her name. I know, I won't be watching any episodes of Season Four again.

Lunch

Ed bought me lunch today. He dropped lunch for me at my old office. He didn't know I moved back to my old office. He thought I was going to live and die in my old office. I don't blame him. For a while, I thought I was that.

Ed, Ed. Ed who sent me Blur's Tender. Ed who sent me Daniel Powter's Bad Day. Ed who said, you've got a kind heart, but I just don't know why people hate you.

He sent me lunch to my previous children, telling them it was for mom. Then called me up to say, "Your lunch's with your children."

Oh no.

I walked back to my old office. Stayed away as my children sent me my lunch box.

When I got back to my desk, Ed PM me and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know. Please don't frown."

Today can't be that bad. I had lunch, although at my desk. I had Jin who wanted to go with me to see INXS, but didn't want The Pitt. It will all work out.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..

Means to an end

When bullying and threatening your friend, doesn't work your way...

Jin-I-wannabe-dorg-next-life is a pig. He is a huge pig. Okay. There it is. He's found the seating plan. He's found the place to buy the tickets. He's found the website. He's found the info. He's got it all. Except the willingness to budge from The Rock Zone into The Pitt.

Everybody would want to be in The Pitt. You think if he has a choice he would want to be in 1B? He wants to be in The Pitt.


But Jin won't budge. Neither would I.

I want The Pitt and I won't settle for anything less.

Crushed

All morning, I was looking forward. Till the time is right. And till the day break, where he is. I sent an email. But I didn't know if it was going to get read. But I sent it anyway.

My mobile rang with a dedicated ring tone. I knew who it was. And I smiled at what it read.

Yes, but only for 1 reason, I replied.

And the next two texts continued to crush me.

I was so looking forward. Because I thought there would be no better person to do this with. And the worse thing about it was. It again, wasn't in my hands. And it again, wasn't my choice.

And today has only gone to prove one thing. I will always be not quite there. I will always be not quite right. I will always be just a little bit. And I will always be sidelined.

Think about it. Who am I? To the one person whom I thought I was everything, I am not.

This Monday has proven to be more difficult to take on, than it was when I measured my "up" with my him-meter, with my crystalisation, with my lithium-laced cure, with my mood elevator, with my music, with everything that is wrong.

...

Laughing Out Loud

There is only two instances of the above.

One, like Boss with signature frown. He's lost it.

Two, some nut cracks a joke and it is really funny.

I spent CSI Supreme Sunday timeslot, with my mom, in her room, on her bed. Of course, my dad was there too. And I spent it talking to my mom. Talked so much that it was close to 11.00 pm when we were interrupted. My mobile rang, "Are you home? Could you please open the door?"

My mom left the room to come watch the antics. I like audiences. "Did you forget your keys?"

"No."

Uh. Okay. Time for me to make coffee.

Earlier that day, I spent the morning contemplating if I should attempt to go out to buy lunch. Because if I step out, I might not be back.. till very late. And lunch won't be lunch.

I went over to Jules' and kidnap her. We walked out to take the train, with the purpose of accompanying me to go buy lunch. We took two shopping bags. (for lunch??!!) So you know the picture was wrong, right from the beginning.

We shopped. We shopped crazy. We shopped mad. We shopped insane. We forgot about lunch.

About 4 ish, we had an offer to hop a ride home. And we took it up. When lugging around shopping bags the size of ours, it would be silly to reject the ride. Plus, if I was going home with lunch, I'm late. So I better hurry.

Jules stayed over till about 7.

Laughing out loud was Jules and I in Carrefour. Laughing out loud was Jules and I in Topshop. Laughing out loud was Jules, my mom and me in the balcony.

Laughing out loud was calling my sister and sharing the laughter. Laughing out loud is spending time with the women at home. We are all made of stars...

I can kill

Marisol Delko, still, remains Marisol Delko in this CSI Miami Season Four. Season Five, has Marisol Delko going Marisol Caine.

I can kill.

For a leukemia patient, she looks too gorgeous. And as I have this permanent frown on my face as I go through my Disc 4, I was going to turn it off. Completely. I can do with less. I can do without.

And Marisol is making me wish that Season Five would just begin, and she will just die. She should. She will anyway. Eventually. Why wait till Season Five? Drop dead now.

And leave Horatio be.

Monday Morning

It was an eventful Saturday and even more eventful Sunday.

On this Monday morning, with my free copy of The Sun newspaper, I got on a heavy traffic monorail to head towards work. The first page as I opened the newspaper, was the announcement of INXS concert. 18 August 2006.

My breath caught.

I texted the first person that came to my mind.

She wasn't very nice. She called me crazy. And she put me and him in the same boat. She wasn't going to let me forget. I think it was my fault. It was true. He was the first thing that came to my mind. But she was the first person I did text with that information.

Because it was him, that introduced me to INXS. It was in his car that the CD was playing.

I am going to be there. And Chairwoman can't stop me. Even if she is not going.

The office was on Mix FM today. I tuned into Mix FM on Saturday and no one touched that dial since. The music this morning has been so many things to remind me of him. And it doesn't get better. Because they played Rio. And I smiled. I still don't know why I think John Taylor is so gorgeous. The next song after Rio was INXS' Afterglow.

That's telling me something. I'm going to make it to that concert.

So so not my time...

Eventful Saturday

I went to work. I didn't realise so many people were gonna be in on Saturday.

But there were more people getting lost on the floor than usual. Everybody was crowding the staircase. It was upon us again. The KL International AV show is hosted by the happening hotel, again.

It rained. And I went to watch the rain. For a while. I didn't know how to leave the office in this rain.

But I braved it anyway. And decided to get wet.

You see, a lot of things are about conditioning. My mom loved it when I went out to play in the rain. She'd make sure I'm soaking wet, before she'd let me in the house. With that, we (my sis and I) never caught the cold. Because my mom has always put it in our head that we can play in the rain and everything was going to be alright. We weren't afraid to get wet. We love to play in the rain.

And along the way, I wonder. Why didn't my dad raise me better than this almost herd-mentality like 95% of this world is? Why was I raised and brought up as an employee?

I thought a lot as I walked home on my eventful Saturday. I was going to go home to Horatio Caine. Until I realise that Horatio Caine was going to go home to Marisol Delko. And I wonder when I will stop stabbing myself with a spoon.

When your lithium-laced cure turn nightmare on you, what do you do?

That, was what I stayed up all night thinking about.

-Updated, Monday 24th July-

Overdue!

There were 5 discs to CSI Miami Season Four. I am currently on Disc 4, and fearing the worse. If I finish this, I will have no more Horatio.

If I finish this book, I will have no more Robert and Sophie.

It's an attachment that I grew with, and I don't want to do without. I don't want to stop.

Look at the black shirt on him. Who would mind looking at that face forever ever and ever ever?!

Solution

A solution to our constant pictures in the dark, girls, is to buy a handphone camera with flash. Now stop being still there, with the thrills cheap, cheap thrills, vice versa.

Or, bring a super slim Sony digital camera. It's light enough to dance with, still small enough to keep in your Carrie-sized purse.

It's amazing. 3 girls. 2 camera phones, 1 torchlight phones. And we did this in Bar Flam. LOL. ROFL. And no, neither of us ever showed our faces there again.

Moving On

I just found out that Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life has.. moved on. From a perfect honeymoon to a far away single adventure. And I found out the hard way. By reading.

A quick call to Chairwoman, confirmed things. There are reason why Chairwoman is Chairwoman.

I am reading the wrong things. I don't know what I don't want to know.

Almost a case of Horatio and Marisol. I just had to Alt+F4.

Good night.

Friday - From a teary point of view

I had tearful Monday morning. And this Friday evening, was a follow up of that. I was far from being cute. I was far from the blushing blossom earlier.

Once again I found myself in cold empty office. One nearer to my own, one nearer to destination office.

It was there I hid, for almost an eternity. Before I realise I have been bawling my eyes out for almost 2 hours. And that I was neglecting the office, the familiar ring of Boss' dedicated ring tone, the entire world.

I guess I didn't find my power animal. And I guess I didn't find also the comfort of crying into Bob's bitch tits that would probably be able to summon a good night's sleep.

Well, tears aside, back to my desk. There's been enough little successes today. I am good. Or I will be good. Or I will start counting my blessings, to remind me : I am still here.

I had lunch delivered. I had a thoughtful 5 minutes. I had my standing still of 5 minutes.

Friday - From a different point of view

Some Fridays, are good Fridays. Some Fridays are Crydays.

This Friday, it took the evening to convince me it was going to be better. Although the weekend was near, and sponsorship is gone. I believe the girls and I, will still be able to have cheap thrills.

I was in the middle of team briefing when my mobile, normally on silent, rang with a familiar dedicated ring tone. I almost blushed. I know it was a text, because he is not in the country.

I caught a glimpse of the text and smiled. He reminded me about how wonderful my life has been since he left.

I replied : Judging from my late reply, you know... I almost forgot about you.

Then the expectant reply came. I just had to smile.

Friday

The weekend is near. I am once again torn by the irony of what a Friday Day is to me anymore.

The girls were going out. We've gone out last week. We're going out again this week. Suddenly, I realise that being deprived of social involvement with the girls has made me aged a millenium. And once again, I could scan magazines and see familiar faces. Mine. Jules. Sue.

I wasn't certain if those days were gonna come back. Or if it was just hopeful me.

Much has changed. I used to chaperon these two girls. Now it seems I need it more than they do. Then again, if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't know how to value a torchlight phone.

Thank you, party girls for improvising. I love that picture of us in the dark.

Boss

Regarding Bosses, thread with care.

Last night, 9 pm onwards, I was captivated. I was sole audience of Horatio Caine's.. my charismatic character. Then interruption. It's time for me to make coffee. And I did so with one eye on the screen.

Half an hour later, at the dinner table, the mobile rang. Like every person I know, there is always a dedicated ring tone for Boss. And that was my Boss, now his Boss. And it wasn't ringing on my mobile.

"Boss! I've been home for the last half hour. Please call Ms. Ong who is still in the office. I have no time for you. My wife wants me to hang up right now. She's made me my coffee. And we're going to watch CSI. BYEEEEEEEEE"

The next thing I saw was the mobile in my face, instead of the familiar lines of the face of my charismatic redhead that I have been looking at.

I don't know what I have done. I was cautioned. And I made a face. It was me. Allegedly.

Yes, Boss. No, Boss. Certainly, Boss.

It was like he's my Boss all over again.

Fakov, Boss. Good night.

CSI Miami Season Four

With my recent demeanor, I was sore by the time I left the office to go home. It was closer to midnight than it was closer to home. Missing my sis, missing Mac, I was scrapping tiles with every step I took to get home.

Chairwoman was of not much help. She provided me as much grieve as I gave myself. And having nothing to eat, didn't help.

By the time I got home, I sat in front of the tv and stared at the blank screen.

I was there for a while before I realise it's late, and I should shower. And do something about being heavy hearted. I showered and spent an hour with Horatio.

Welcome to CSI Miami Season Four. *Sorry. I actually found the perfect Horatio picture to upload. Regretfully blogspot doesn't like me. Or my Horatio picture.

Attorneys At Law

As I made certain my condition was unapproachable, it was blantantly displayed on all status message available on each window of every island I now inhabit, bit by bit.

I received my first message after retaining these attorneys.

"How are the services of Fakov & Dai?"

LOL. You are the first to mention it. I think they have been successful in keeping everyone away!

"I showed it to my (solicitor) wife"

I'm certain I was able to entertain.

"Yes, you do."

I am retaining them. Well, time to ask my attorneys to get back to work!


I have not met many brazen at heart to approach. The message came both as a surprise, and a pleasant interruption to the evening.

It was a sign that meant, the rest of the world, got the message.


Thank You, Attorneys At Law : Fakov & Dai.

Flower

I haven't seen this flower for some time. Today, I found out why. No one is ever on this flower anymore.

The thing was, log-in are like.. series of numbers. And I have remembered my log-in since I was 17. It was 8 digits, of random numbers. But I remembered it.

Today, with my desktop also robbed by Chin The Pink, I had one island less to occupy. Of the 3 islands in the office, one from every island is out.

Being at someone else's desktop is weird. Then again, it was looking out a different window at every island.

It's close to 9 pm. I will not be able to keep my date with Mac. Right after I typed the sentence, the radio played a familiar tune. The intro to this song is unmistakable.

It's A Sin.

I got the message. But do you see these chains tying me down here every night? It may be a mean to an end, an end that seem more elusive and fading.. depleting, for a lapse, of probably 3 weeks...

I could almost expect it : "Keep smiling"

Catching The Bug

It's probably me.

I came back to the office after 10 days. With much reluctance, I also came back to the office with fatigue of running after my nose. Since my arrival back on Wednesday last week, 2 persons in the office has called in sick. And not surprisingly, also Flip.

Spreading the bug was my threat to a fellow colleague who was not going to stop typing until her fingers bled. Such a pity to those beautifully manicured nails. I decided to not let those nails suffer her decisions and told her I was going to her office to spread the bug. She nicely backed off.

Just as I was writing this, he hurried into the office and shoved a Pod in my face. A fourth generation Pod. He asked, not quite nicely, not quite rudely, "How do you shut this off?"

What a show off.

It is a known fact that I am happy with my first gen Pod. And as each Pod grew slicker by the gen, I don't appreciate having a fourth gen Pod shoved in my face.

I shook my head as I turned if off. I guess a Pod user is a Pod user and you learn from Pod users. That little savvy thing. I guess I caught that bug too.

Reading

I have been holding the wrong book. It help little to light the days. Causing me to hold my breath more often than I do. And awake at night, wondering where and what Robert and Sophie is doing.

The cat is down to 7 lives. Last night, it was unfamiliar. It was being alone in the dark and no familiar snoring. And I was so tempted to turn on the lights and grab the book by my pillow. But I was still willing sleep to come. I was hoping..

When I heard my mom wake at 6.00 am, I joined her. And even as a child, my first dash to search for my mom has always been the kitchen. Being older, nothing changed. I zoomed out of my room towards the kitchen. Time has changed many things. People get older. And my mom's first stop, is no longer the kitchen. It was the bathroom. ah..

She was surprised to see me awake at 6.00 am. It's not a normal sight. Even when we have an early flight to catch, or a holiday to get to, no.. I'm not one who would wake up at 6.00 am.

There are also other things I could read. A quick glance to Loopy Meals http://loopymeals.blogspot.com got me giggling. Maybe see if Gina's still grooving. Hmm.. (?)

Trying to be cute...

Becoming cute, is not becoming for some people. With me, it's a standard feature. Or so I thought.

On Friday night, I sent out 3 messages, trying to be cute. This morning, already having a sleep-elusive night, it blew up in my face. I was called a few things, that is not to the effect of being "cute".

And I was yelling down the mobile by 9 am. I was Carrie. White. Not Bradshaw.

This, is a definition of trying to be cute :

"Back in KL the next 24 hours only! It is not the end of the world. I am sure you will survive!"

Good riddance.

"Yeah, it's about time!"

Yeah, sod off. I have no doubt I will survive.

When the text came in, the dedicated ring tone was a welcomed distraction, although an exasperated sigh escaped. But nonetheless, it took my mind off certain things. Certain Monday things. And I was back at my desk (not really, I was working for 3 separate desk from 3 separate islands in the office)

Thank You for all efforts on a Monday for it to be not so blue, not so dazed.

Shine on Skype ID today : Grumpy - Attorneys At Law : Fakov & Dai

When things are ....

When things are going the way how it worked for someone else, you know there's got to be another solution. Or you can let them plunder you into buying their solution because it seems easier that way to shut them up.

I was just that today.

After a bout of unprofessional shouting and yelling and being rude on the phone in the office, I was pacing the office and my ears grew hot.

And my Boss wanted to know what was that all about?! Yeah, so do I.

Well, it was about 3 people on a loud conversation, with a brick phone being passed around. And I was.. the receiving end.

That being aside, it could have been a better Friday. Some Friday nights... should be repeated...

It was due

I received a call from Boss, with signature frown. I was expecting his call. Probably two days ago.

But he only called me this evening, telling me to do my duties. And he is expecting that of me.

It was a bit weird, I know he has the best intentions and I know he was truly concerned. Who wouldn't be? His interest in this matter, was purely professional. And I knew it. He had a personal encounter and he was the best person to tell the story.

I had a 10 minute conversation with Boss. And a paper full of information.

I made the call Boss wanted me to make after I hung up. And I relayed the information, as I should. With additional, "He's going to sit you down and talk to you tomorrow if you do not see the importance of this conversation we are going to have"

And I was again cut short. I'll leave it in Boss' hands. He should have made the call direct instead of going through me. What did he expect me to be able to achieve?

Joining You

Not the first time this song made it to blog. Again, Alanis Morissette.

Dear Dar, your mom, my friend, left a message on my machine she was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought I'd be a perfect resort
Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth
And yes, they're in shock, they are panicked you and your chronic
Them and their drama
You this embarassment us in the middle of this delusion


If we were our bodies
If we were our future
If we were our defenses I'd be joining you
If we were our culture
If we were our leaders
If we were our denials I'd be joining you

I remember vividly a day years ago
We were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed"
And you were mindboggling, you were intense
You were uncomfortable in your own skin
You were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful


If we were our nametags
If we were our rejections
If we were outcomes I'd be joining you
If we were our indignities
If we were our successes
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you

You and I were like 4 year olds
We want to know why and how come about everything
We want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds
And never talk small and be intuitive
And question mightily and find God my tortured beacon
We need to find like-minded companions

If we were our condemnations
If we were our projections
If we were our paranoias I'd be joining you
If we were our incomes
If we were our obsessions
If we were our afflictions I'd be joining you
We need reflection
We need a really good memory
Feel free to call me a little more often

Frustrated Calvin

Right about now, I remember the little picture of my frustrated Calvin. I stole that pic off JC. And Qert stole it off me.

Right about this point, I wanted to pull all my hair out. And it's strange. Because I love the way my hair is growing long. Eve for one, would have been pleased. She has always offered me a one-stop solution to having long thick hair, a scrunchy.

I had a great morning, don't get me wrong. For 2 consecutive days, I had someone to wake up with. Someone to wake up to. And followed by text of "won't be in today".

And followed by stops of The Ego at my desk. Peering over my shoulder as I received Skype messages from colleagues. And then received one from guess who, himself!

Frustration was when Glamour Sally exclaimed in crowded Shoppe during lunchtime going, "Oh, Shine! I am so happy for you, CONGRATULATIONS!"
Within an instant, 3 other girls crowded over me.

Excuse me. Please back away. The fat woman is coming through. And no, I am not pregnant.

If you spent your weekend and your weekdays with the girls, namely Charlotte, Samantha, Carrie and Miranda, you know it's a very sensitive thing.

And I would have expected those 2 mothers to behave themselves. I was wrong. And then realised how glad I am that I have my mom. And I know, I'm going to make a great one, sometime, maybe. But what I first need to be, is an amazing daughter.

And like Florences' mom keep telling herself, with all the wimps and tantrums that Florence throws, "it's worth it". It would be a chant for me. To keep making me believe it's worth it.

I don't remember besides being on her lap that night, when else I saw her. It's the choices I make and the priorities I place. Which is why I was in front of the tv last night with Grissom. Which is why I was on the floor of the living room last night, with Robert and Sophie. And probably why I didn't see my mom...

A few other things made me want to pull my hair out this evening, and JC pulled a cat on me as I expected. And I know I said it, weren't they meant for kills.... This, has only 8 lives left, and counting...

What do they say about you...?

I was on conversation with JC yesterday. We have not conversed in a very long time. Even when he was back in town. I told him what's up with me. That I just came back from an adventure with Julius. And he had a roadtrip with the rest of them with a Jazz-of-my-life.

He shared 3 pictures. And told me that heads turn when they past. Nice.

And I started telling him about Andreas. And JC called me, "Runaway Train"

"Do you know it's not easy listening to you?"

Yeah, most of the time I'm just white noise.

I know I talk a lot. But it was the first time that JC mentioned it was not easy listening to me. Being the greatest fan of my life, that question was quite a bummer. I must have sucked somewhere. Or JC and I, let's not go there anymore.

Being away...

Being away meant keeping this cob-webbed for a while. I thought I had a lot to blog. I thought I would have a lot to write about, especially for those who wait in breath that is bated.

Yet everything took a second presiding after the episode last night. And my sister kept saying, "Understandably so, my dear..."

I don't know how some people keep it all in. Aren't cats meant for killing? They do have 9 lives...

....

I cried on my mother's lap. And she was feeling the same way she felt when I cried on her lap the night I told her about Alice. But this time, she could do something about it. She made me shower and get dressed. Dad sent us to the hotel.

And I spent the rest of the night worrying. And was finally breathing right when my husband went home with me. And sat in front of the tv.

In The Still of The Night

There probably comes a day in every wife's life, that you receive a call from your husband going, "Hey, I fell in office, small accident. But I'm fine now and I don't want you to worry"

And my heart almost stopped.

It was Tuesday night. I normally spend it with Mac. And lately, for distraction wise, I have been found curled up with a book most of the time. I couldn't put it down.

"I couldn't move. I had to just lay there. For 45 minutes. But I'm back in my room now. I'm okay. My Boss got me some food, my staff stayed with me. I'm okay now. Just need some more painkillers."

And I didn't know how to react. He cut me off before I could say another word.

I was searching myself for a reaction. I didn't know how to be what I am, or what I should.

I texted Chairwoman.

And called her, I was speaking gibberish and I was crying. And she said, "Go shower, I'm coming to get you"

And the next stop, was my mother's lap.

Checklist!

Here it is :

• Leave desk with a hint of colour still on them √

• Leave a rude mail auto responder √

• Leave a going-away memory √

• Turn off phone √

• Tell everybody Portugal will win √

• Rub everybody's face with the fact that I didn't need to be scheduled surgery to be able to watch WC, and... I won't go to work half-assed. √

Away for 10 days. This blog is going to get so cob-webbed. And I will miss feeling like Carrie Bradshaw.

Uncontactable.

U2 - Helping the weekend...

Bono, is a me thang. I couldn't be happier when I discover the inherited Pod has How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb.

I'm sure information as such will come in handy.

Thank You.

Uno, dos, tres, catorce

(Turn it up loud, captain)

Lights go down, it's dark
Your jungle is your head
Can't rule your heart
A feeling so much stronger than
I thought your eyes are widened
Though your soul, it can't be bought
Your mind can wander

Hello, hello (hola!)
I'm at a place called vertigo (dónde está)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
Except you give me something
I can feel
Feel

The night is full of holes
There's bullets ripping sky
Of ink, with gold
They twinkle as the boys
Play rock and roll
They know that they can't dance
At least they know

I can't stand the beats
I'm asking for the check
Girl with crimson nails
Has Jesus 'round her neck
Swinging to the music
Swinging to the music

Hello, hello (hola!)
I'm at place called vertigo (dónde está)
It's everything I wish I didn't know
But you give me something
I can feel
Feel

All of this
All of this can be yours
All of this
All of this can be yours
All of this
All of this can be yours
Just give me what I want
And no one gets hurt

Hello, hello (hola!)
We're at a place called vertigo (dónde está)
Lights go down and all I know
Is that you give me something

I can feel your love teaching me how
Your love is teaching me how
How to kneel
Kneel


It's the weekend. And I find myself trying to lighten things up. Trying to pack my day. Trying to avoid having idle time.

Thank You, Mary J. for keeping me company this morning. For keeping me sane and dancing. Thank you for keeping the rhythm. Thank you, for excellent duets. Thank You.
As - George Michael
One - Bono
And I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Elton John

Don't wish it away
Don't look at it like it's forever
Between you and me I could honestly say
That things can only get better

And while I'm away
Dust out the demons inside
And it won't be long before you and me run
To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Just stare into space
Picture my face in your hands
Live for each second without hesitation
And never forget I'm your man, Mary Mary

Wait on me girl
Cry in the night if it helps
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands could be time spent with you
Laughing like children, living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Wait on me boy (EJ:Wait on me girl)
I Want You To Cry in the night if it helps(yeah)
But more than ever I simply love you
More than I love life itself

And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Time on my hands (time on my hands) could be time spent with you
Laughing like children (laughing like children), living like lovers
Rolling like thunder under the covers
And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Laughing like children
living like lovers Elton, living like lovers

And I guess that's why they call it the blues

Lunch with Chairwoman

She was gonna meet me for lunch. That made my day. I didn't have breakfast. I didn't have my anchoring triple shot latte. I went straight to my desk, 10 mins late, and start work.

It was a difficult morning. I hate giving this job only half of me.

A DOM dropped by to visit. If he was not monitored, I swear he would have planted me a wet one. He could hardly contain himself. The moment he caught sight of me, he was calling my name. Reaching out for a hug. I didn't have anywhere to run away to. I was cornered. He drew me in for a big hug, all the while I was screaming. He even pinched my cheeks. I'm not 6. Will you please stop it?

I was screaming because I was hoping I wasn't going to see him. The office celebrated the fact that they weren't gonna be here to have him arrive into the office to make a spectacle of himself. I was not so lucky.

As we had lunch, I spoke to her about how I felt when I got up this morning, right down to the moment she guessed which lift I was in. (it was 19) We walked out into the sun. We walked and talked and spoke and laughed.

And on the way back from lunch, we walked into a person I bantered into agreement only 2 days ago. Having meals will Chairwoman will give you indigestion. She provides information that even sometimes I cannot take.

My first word to him "Portugal is going to win tonight!" even before he could say anything.

"Don't break her heart. She's a big fan of David Beckham!"

Like you would know. And, she's not. We both gave him the look.

Then he pause to speak to me about work. And then said, "Hey, Dhilah. When can I date you?"

Even without my glasses, I could see Chairwoman throwing her hands up, quickening her pace and gave out a yell of anguish. She left me with him. Chairwoman yelled back, "I'm sorry I'm busy dating Shine whenever I have spare time. I can't date you."

And he walked away.

"Do you think the message has been delivered?"

No. Try hitting him on the head. He wouldn't notice.

Last night...

It was a good game. I've always enjoyed a good match. Although most of the time, I was biting my pillow.

I had Chairwoman on text with me since 11 pm. She was on afternoon shift, and was going to definitely miss kick-off. I was her text commentator.

By the end of first half, I retreat to my room and called her. She's home. Bless.

Because I was angry at one person, and I swore to make more enemies as I went around the building saying, "Argentina will win!"

Sometimes, that girl just can't shut up or know when is the time to stop talking. I reckon it's going to be the death of her.

And with this silent vow, and me in my Germany top, I was not certain if I was bought with just a shirt. Or if I was really hating one person enough for the hate to drown this other emotion, similarly 4 lettered.

I was groggy from the night before and I was up and jumping, mostly cursing, with my brother in law. My sister, mildly amused, was only glad for the distraction we provide so that she would not be scratching herself. She's been using herself as her own scratching post lately. We were gonna bound her soon.

The match ended with a result that I am happy about, but could not voice out. That could only be celebrated within. I have a different chant today, "Portugal will win tonight!"

I went to work today with my Germany top. I decided that hatred and anger could not drown this 4 letter emotion out.