Miserable...

I have been absolutely miserable.

I started the day badly, in fact, I started yesterday badly. No wait, I didn't start yesterday badly. It was what happened between 11.30 am to 10.30 pm that was bad. You know what they say, the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment.

I just don't get it. Didn't I lay down my expectations right from the start? Why did I still let myself risk the disappointment? Because like the poster in Mulder's office, I Want To Believe...

I finally watched Chocolat yesterday, in the living room, with my sis and my mom (who always falls asleep when she is all geared to watch a movie)

JC was so sweet to drive by, to offer me a ride in the Jazz of my life. But me being me, mean as usual, I just didn't take up the offer and I didn't even have the courtesy to be nice to say that to him. Actually it was because my phone was charging in the room and the 3 ladies were lying on the floor of the living room.

I am truly sorry.

What is wrong with me? Besides the fact that I am bleeding?

This morning didn't start very well for me. Because I was up all night till approximately 2 am. Because I was so unsettled over the day, which was my off day.

I again gave The Man one of those looks, bright early in the morning. Till now he is ignoring me... If you saw the reaction on his face when he spotted my "sod-off-I-don't-care" look, you know he's going to blow a fuse with me. I owe him an apology.

But I know going to him would probably bring tears to my eyes coz it's that time of the month and I am very emotional over my job and my Boss.

I worry about work before work, at work and after work. There is nothing for me if not work. There is nothing more to me than work. It is only work. Work of which I have decided for myself that provides sustenance.

I will be back later to post a lyrics to a song from some time back...

Profound...

"Why is it that I always feel alone no matter how much I am reaching out?"

I could finally answer it later today. I wasn't reaching out. I was arms lenght-ing.
It feels like reaching out coz I was in a hazey doubtful feeling this morning. Very grey, very dazed...

My defensive mechanism was on full-force. I was undoubtly arms lenght-ing.

How many times have I let myself get here? How many times has it been, that I have been left alone in this slump? How many times have I count myself unlucky in a month? How many times have I been faced with these adversities and could look it in the eye and stare it down? How many times have I thought, someone, anyone could have done this job better than me? How many times have I angrily retort, "What? Do you want my job??!!" ? How many times have I given up on myself? How many times have I done this to myself and let me get away with it?


I was close to breaking down yesterday. If it wasn't for CSI at 9pm and 11pm, I would have been the primadonna in the crime scene. Death by the pink blade...


To you who remember my cloaking devise, it's malfunctioned. I'm here, I'm vulnerable. This is your chance to conquer me while I am at my weakest. If I don't die from it, then I will only grow stronger.

I need some TLC. Or, I need some acid dosage.

Remember the lady who sings my life.... ?

you found creative ways to distance

you hid away from much through humor

your choice of armor was your intellect

and so you felt and you're still here

and so you died and you're still standing

and so you softened and you're still safely in command

self protection was in times of true danger

your best defense to mistrust and be wary

surrendering a feat of unequalled measure

and I'm thrilled to let you in

overjoyed to be let in in kind

Chequered Flag

Kimi started the race at pole position. I missed the beginning of the race and was fuming. I left office early enough to catch commentary and warm up lap. However, encountered a slight hiccup when I received panic call from Chairwoman.

I rushed from the female locker room to meet Chairwoman to provide an immediate remedy : a hug.

Rounded up an all-time smart-ass-comic-relief and headed to the nearest mamak. Discussed the "hiccup" in a metaphoric way (Have you ever known me to be not metaphoric?) And received some refreshing overview from a person of whom is supposed to be "one of us". But that input kinda put a lot of things in perspective for Chairwoman and I. Not totally agreeing, but it does provide a certain "outlet" for the hiccup at hand.

I rushed home from there and my dad was in front of the tv. When I finally shoo-ed him out of the way, I already missed half a lap from the start-off. I dropped everything and started watching with a frown on my face. Kimi was leading, if he kept it up, he could have won.

Kimi retired after 9 laps, much to my dismay. His technical team ought to be sacked, again.

I watched the race non-committedly with so much as a grimace on my face. Absolutely jumped out of my seat when Sato overtook Webber. (was it Webber?) I was hoping that sometime over the race, the wheels to the only remaining Ferrari would just fall off. What else would surprise us? Even Kimi's spoiler flew off, anything is possible. To me, after Kimi retired from the race, anyone is a better winner than that person, the Red Menace.

The last 10s lap of the race proved to be more exciting than any race of the season. I am glad that Alonso held up and was not intimidated. Way to go, Fernando.

No wonder I watched the race till the end, I knew Alonso was gonna prove it worthwhile. It's about time someone put the Reds back in place.

Thank you JC for the wonderful and thoughtful gift. I know that you were the only one listening throughout my whimsical rhetoric.

Thank you muchly. God bless..

F1 weekend comes around again...

I have been so happy reading about Kimi's progress in this F1 race. Local time, 8 pm.

I cannot wait to get home to book a place in front of the tv and pig out.

I met Chairwoman for lunch. Yesterday was her day off and my day seems a little off everytime I do not see her. This lady sustains me, grounds me and anchors me. She says things that makes sense to me (I know I have very little of it) She puts things in perspective for me. She is the pussy cat. Although younger than me by a bit, she does have a very extensive knowledge of what to do when and why and how come about everything.

She never fails to amaze me. I love you, Chairwoman.

We had enough lunch for 3 persons. And after the heavy lunch, we had coffee.

Life is Good...

Enjoy the race!

Grey

I still remember the song that got us together, this person from the past who still haunts me till today. It was George Michael's Kissing A Fool.

Ladies & Gentlemen is still my favourite gift. It was through this album that I learnt what it was, what difference it made of music meant for the heart and for the feet. And understood in entirety, what it means, entirety.

I don't know what really happened in between the entire montage, but I remember that "grey" was the only word that we agreed on. It is the only word association I could make with Kissing A Fool.

I'm feeling a little "grey" today.

I don't know what's gotten into me. It's been awfully melancholic for me lately. I have a certain un-rest within me and strangely enough, paraniod as I am, I kinda expect it to happen.

CSI, I've managed to catch both on Tuesday and Wednesday night. I've count myself very lucky. I've never felt better in the entire month of April.

CSI : NY. The background is bluey grey. I never like the NY in CSI. I still love the NY, the city that is Carrie's love. I prefer the dreamy NY and sadly CSI has tainted that. :(


Qert left his lappy in the temporary office and now I have Alanis Morissette on iTunes. I have 3 albums of Alanis Morissette in this album. I feel like I have every right to be angry while at work. Dangerous, but liberating.

We had dinner the other night in Bangkok Jam. It was a very good experience. It was good company and good food.

Tom & Jerri is going to The Land of Cheap DVD for the long weekend in May. I have already listed some good movies for them to return with. Horatio is of course on top of my list! Do feel free to suggest any other good movies I should have in my collection.

Material Girl

I'm listening to The Material Girl as I am working. I am so glad to have a lappy to work from in the comfort of my own (so-called) office. It gets lonely as I am left alone from 6 pm onwards, but it does get lots of work done. More so with iTunes already in this lappy!

As you know I am very selective about my music intake. But again, this is Qert! You can expect nothing less than fantastic selection of music. I have Frank, Sade, soundtracks after soundtracks and more lounge music.

Also Internet.. heh..

In between the music, I also found some very very cute songs from Southpark The Movie. Heh. For the mean streak in me when I'm trying to tell the team something, I have Terrence and Phillip's theme song! :-)

The chocolate therapy that I have been pleasuring myself to, is showing on my face. Yes, pimple farm! Oh no! That, and lack of proper rest (Yes, eye bags too!) I looked like I've been run over by an 18-wheel truck.

Ha ha ha.. I also have Jump from Kriss Kross! HA HA HA HA (ROFL)

Stab me, please!!!


Tonight, CSI NY. Let's keep our fingers crossed that I will be able to catch this one. Probably will, but will miss the crime scene. Defeats the purpose, doesn't it? There's repeat tomorrow night at 11 pm. I know I will catch that, by giving up some good rest.

Well, everything comes with pros and cons, don't they? It all comes down to the same thing. Priorities and decisions. Again, I'm distrought by all the options I have to weigh to make sound, mature decisions.

Someone from the past contacted me today re an issue I have almost forgotten. It was pleasant and brought a lingering smile to my face. But when I spoke about it with Chairwoman, a frown played on my face as I remember how I last remembered this person. With lots of vengence. Also gratitude at the same time. This person who taught me so much and lit my world with The Cure and the strategies of war movies.... and of course, to Casablanca.

True enough this person will always have a special place in my heart. As random as my iPod plays Sade, one song always brings random memories back. By Your Side.

Thank you for being there then. Thank you for not being here now. Thank you for mellowing me when I was the child I was then. I know I've grown up so much from that experience. Appreciate that montage.

Over promise and under deliver...

A lot of things are that way. That's why we tend to disappoint ourselves. And in this "hostility" industry that I am, a lot of things are already blown out of porportion for me to fix it back.

For someone who expect me to be the pinnacle of "re-finest" and exemplary, it was a shock when I received this text message while waiting for a lady upon departure. (I have been waiting for her since 7.30 am...)

It reads : "Ask her to hurry up lahhh"

And this man only started waiting for her in the past 10 minutes. Texting me across the lobby, with a frown larger than he is.

This was at 1.45 pm. The ordeal was finally over at 2.00 pm and I could catch a proper lunch. With a lunch companion that has been on standby since I texted him to have lunch together. It has to be at my convenience, not his, mine.

That's how things has always been to me. It has to be at my convenience or else I just strike it off. Everything is about me.

I once place CSI among my top few priorities. I struck that out already. It was due.
I missed one too many CSI episodes in a week that I cannot forgive myself or give myself excuses anymore. So I decided to just strike it off my list and not restrict myself with time.

I work at my own pace, no boundaries of time and eat properly. There is no way I want to be prescribed anti-anxiety pills and sleeping pills. I'm too young.

Today I sent out very specific text messages regarding what I expect of this person, and then I realised I instilled "work" into more aspects of my life. (How interesting is that?)
I've gone mad. I think the result of my work shows that I've gone mad.

Today I had a conversation with Ju about Rob Thomas. And has to verify facts with her that he in fact does exist. I have difficulties separating a lot of things from reality. (ie weird dreams, very very precise dreams about work details and people related to work)

Please pray for me. I know it's not my time yet. I just feel awfully close to losing my sanity...

Day Off!

My day off comes around again. Maybe this time I will finally watch Chocolat.

The week's been hectic. Try picturing watching the rain on a very high building, and watch it come in from most of the windows in the suite.

I've discovered a "new" old cure to heartache and frustration. CHOCOLATE. I've been having evening therapy with Chairwoman with chocolate.... It works, for a while. And then I switched to whipped cream... followed by my often make-me-melt sundae cone at Micky Ds.

I suffer the guilt pangs as I take on these calories... but for such a feel-good therapy to give me guilt trips... It's better off without!

Now what do I do with the chocolates Jin "wanna-be-dorg-next-life" bought for me? Ahh.. I shall continue smelling them, like I do most stuff I really really really like...

Over and beyond...

When you hardly have had a mediocre week, you would hardly expect a mediocre day off. That my day off, was something that tipped off the scales. I don't know how to rate it, except maybe the word I could best describe is... MANIC!

So you see, I woke up with a mission : TO SPEND MORE MONEY
I don't know why but retail therapy seems to work for me, yes, at my own expense but it works. It WORKS.

I did what I do best, ask for help in areas of which is not my strength. Let's go Apple Centre shopping! (Uh-oh!)

Jumped into the Jazz of my life, had the best lunch I've had in a long time (weekend food) and went to my fav mall. GE.

Okay, in a nutshell, I bought a Crumpler bag. I could have also bought the Crumpler John Thursday pouch, but I didn't. Because someone very rational held me back. It's very weird coz it reminds me of my first encounter with this person: I was on a shopping spree and he was just enjoying the spectacle of me spending lots of money.

This time, he held me back with words so rational and left me with a little hope that he would purchase this for me on his next oversea trip (hint hint!)

Later that day... I purchased an expensive jacket from British India.. Oh well, you know how I am with jackets.. 40 is never enough!

"You know what's the difference between you and me? I make this look good".

Laughter....

I have had a funny/weird week. Not funny ha-ha, but funny weird... I'm using the "/" like in Crazy/Beautiful. That was a good movie... (at least to me, it had a great soundtrack)

I received gleeful text messages over these trying times... Some really made me split my seams. It reads "NINJA!"

To those of you who did watch Taxi 2, you know what I'm talking about. Boy, did I laugh out loud...

And now, I discovered that it takes me one whole week to finish one movie, coz I break them into half hours each.

I think I've been suffering from depression. I only want to sleep, at any chance I find the opportunity to.

Laughter has seem so elusive to me. It's been sometime since someone could make me laugh... Not the kinda laugh my Boss gives when asked question he cannot answer. That's his sarcastic laugh. I learnt that from him.

When asked a question you do not know how to answer, laugh sarcastically or histerically. It irritates the hell out of people, but it works.

Funny how he could be the only cynical person on the team... how he could be the only frowning person on the team... how he could be the only negative person on the team...

He got really upset with me when I fell into my "suicidal" mode this morning. He told me off completely and ignored me for the rest of the afternoon... (so much for heavy positioning) It is non-existant! My Boss doesn't work that way.

Say, tomorrow is my day off. I'm going to sleep in.... I'm going to watch Chocolat... I'm going to EAT chocolate :D

My angry song...

Alanis Morissette sings my life. Still does. Sometimes I kid myself that Frank sings my life. But today, Alanis Morissette sings my life.

All the pent up anger in me wants to be let out today. Today, the premier of CSI NY.

Alanis said, "Once I know who I'm not maybe I'll know who I am". Same goes, once I know how much I'm willing to partake in this then I'll know how far I'm not going to.

As much as I love my Boss... sometimes I feel like I have no space for errors. I have to be perfect. For Him.

Here I am, when I promised myself I will be home before 9pm. Here I am when I cannot any longer differentiate what I'm willing or unwilling to do.

I'm burning out and I told Boss. He isn't very happy with that. I know, he knows, the team knows.

I'm listening to Alanis Morissette while working and singing out loud coz I could no longer handle it.


Oh, sod it.

You Oughta Know

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of meI
s she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive


Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And i'm not going to fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it ... well can you feel it?

Spa Village Kuala Lumpur

This is an amazing discovery. Go indulge in it yourself.

I had a treatment done on my day off.. I'm still revelling from it.

Treat yourself to it.

My Day Off...

Tomorrow is my day off. I have already called for my hairstylist to make an appointment. I wanna so pamper myself tomorrow. At least I will be spending time with someone I really love.... my mom. :-) (You'd probably think I'd mention me, but no... I love my mom more than I do myself)

Wish me luck that nobody will call me. I wanna just indulge in me.

Finally a day off.. something for me to look forward to.