Plat Night

What happened at Plat Night, was very scary. I am certain many people loved me and I loved many people.


I loved so many people and so many things that I also took a wine glass home. As a souvenir. Of course. I had to ensure I was not thirsty in the backseat. And I got home. And I got in the door. And I managed to remove my contact lens. And I did remove my make up.

I woke up looking like a car crash victim. And no, it isn't make up that won't come off. It is honestly, truly, how I looked like this morning.

So I went to work with Pair 1 today. And stayed very quiet. The team is not impressed. Who could blame that, I have Mike with me today. Mike who won't go away.

Sigh.

Pushing back!

When I was having frowns and frustration about the job (the flight attendant one) and Boss wasn't around anymore, there were no hankerchiefs for me to turn to.

I went to him.

And he always said, "I don't understand how you can give me all this shit but you just don't know how to dish them all back at JL!"

"Yell at me and scold me if it makes you feel better"

"You can be such a bitch with me but with JL you just take it???"


He didn't understand that with JL, it's a waste of time and it's a waste of breath. I would only get more frustrated.

I used to spend half hour, walk away from my lobby, go sit down where he is and almost crystalise. But more often, I did it in the comfort of Boss' Car Park Office Conference Room with Boss' hankerchief that ends up being with Eisen for a couple of days.

I wasn't pushing back with JL. With him, I did a lot of praying. And then I realise, I really need to learn how to push back. And it wasn't until he pointed it out to me that I realise, I am pushing back. But with the wrong people.

Go play push with the right people. You might even enjoy it.

Still*

*Name of perfume by J Lo. (Regardless of what you say about J Lo, I still like her scents and her songs)

I still don't feel like blogging.

Savage Garden

I went for this concert with Tom and Jerri. I think I was almost 18.

Steve has a habit of playing certain kind of music in his car. But over Friday night and Saturday, it was Savage Garden. And it was.. a little bit about going back to almost 18. And a little bit about going back to almost, nearly, but not quite.. right there.

More Savage Garden, for a quiet Monday, with the entire floor wiped out except for Zero.

And she takes another step
Slowly she opens the door
Check that he is sleeping
Pick up all the broken glass and furniture on the floor
Been up half the night screaming now it's time to get away
Pack up the kids in the car
Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

And there are children to think of
Baby's asleep in the backseat
Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare
But the mind is an amazing thing
Full of candy dreams and new toys and another cheap hotel
Two beds and a coffee machine
But there are groceries to buy
And she knows she'll have to go home

Another ditch in the road
You keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Wonder how I ever made it through

Another bruise to try and hide
Another alibi to write
Another lonely highway in the black of night
But there's hope in the darkness
You know you're going to make it

Another ditch in the road
Keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I ever made it

To The Moon And Back

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch"
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin


I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
I've got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends, well they've been trialed for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
It's like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's sayin

Istanbul

Budapest was Button's. Istanbul is Massa's.

I got home and there was 18 laps to go. My mom has her back towards the tv. My dad in his room.

I put down my bags and sat in front of the tv. For the balance of the race.

I was out all day already. And I was drying my nails when the alert text came in. "Go Schumi Go!"

It was a frustrating Sunday. I asked for standings for the race, 5 times, before I got them on text. Ferraris were starting pole position and he was being smug about it. Useless.

Kimi at 7th. De La Rosa at 11th. Or something. It was frustrating. The nail job was substandard. I was on a mission I couldn't complete. I am missing the race!

The alert text came in for updates. "Kimi shredded rear tires"

Arkkk.

"Kimi crashed into tirewall. He is ok!!"

ARGH.

I replied : No point going home now to watch the race. Defeats all purpose.

I'm glad for the sms updates of the race. I already have to put up with ugly nails. And no jacket. And no sexy strappy shoes. And no decent looking work shoes.

At only 18 laps to go, it was boring. Alonso was 2nd. Doesn't look like Schumi has anywhere else to go. The race ended, and I received an updated podium finish text.

De La Rosa at 5th. Proving to be a much better choice than JPM ever was. Only 4 more races to go. Keep up the great work, Pedro!

The Weekend

The weekend strikes again!

On Saturday morning, there was 4 of us in office. We ordered breakfast in. And I sat at my Resort Island where Sunset is still on leave, and everybody has been using her table as a stopover. Hence, I sat right there, only to be found, almost guilty, with a malay newspaper right in front of me. I knew it was going to happen. My life is too Murphy for it not to. So since I already appear to be reading the newspaper, I might as well. I couldn't understand a paragraph of it. How ironic to be caught reading the paper, when I'm trying so hard and didn't even understand what bit I was reading.

He walked into the office. Thankfully breakfast has yet to arrive. Said his good mornings and scanned round the office. 3 of us on Resort Island. 1 on FIT Island. We blinked. He didn't get the message. None of us spoke to him. He scanned the office, a second time. Or a third time.

We blinked again. And all of us silently pray that breakfast wouldn't arrive right about now.

With the silent treatment, he left. It's Saturday. And I suppose it was for my benefit, I don't know.

20 seconds after he left the office, our breakfast arrived. And we all chatted excitedly, about how impeccable the timing was.

I couldn't sleep a wink on Friday. On Saturday morning, I looked like a car crash victim. I did not even bother with colours and wore Pair 1 to work. I was feverish and I was stupid. I stayed at my desk very little.

The evening fade away, as I tried to close my eyes and rest them for a bit before the big show on Sat night. I could hear my parents leave for dinner at 7.00 pm and opened my eyes. It was almost dark. I showered and put on my skirt. My favourite pair of skirt since Penang weekend.

And I waited.

7.30 pm turned to 8.00 pm. Turned to 8.30 pm.

At 9.00 pm, I will kill the bride for wrong instructions. We were lost in the darkness.

Close to 10.00 pm, I find myself in the company of Glamour Sally and her children. Intoxicated Jon and Nic, of only 9 and 12.

We didn't stay as planned, my company was falling asleep. We left in a bit and I was home by 11.00 pm.

Sunday morning, I woke up excitedly. I thought I was going to catch Vince and E, the boys on Entourage. I wasn't so lucky. But I could change that. I called Jules.

We walked out and took the train. Silly sod had lunch at home and ended up watching me eat lunch.

I was on a mission and I had Jules constantly telling me, "Put those pair of sexy strappy shoes down".

All in all, I behaved. I behaved so well I didn't really care Ferrari was starting pole positions. I stayed out. Got my nails done. (although not as beautiful as my usual standards) Kimi crashed. And then I wasn't in a hurry to go home.

Whine Shine

Stop being Whine Shine and stay focused!

The race is this weekend. Now go chew on that information and stay focused!

Qualifying on Saturday 7.00 pm

Race on Sunday. 8.00 pm.



When x bothers you, do y.

Almost Blue

This was the only song playing in my head last night right before I fall asleep. And I stayed away from all things Diana Krall, Everything But The Girl, Elvis Costello, John Mayer.

So much for that. Here it is, second time for the blog.

Almost blue
Almost doing things we used to do
There's a boy here and he's almost you
Almost all the things that your eyes once promised
I see in his too
Now your eyes are red from crying
Almost blue
Flirting with this disaster became me
It named me as the fool who only aimed to be
Almost blue
It's almost touching it will almost do
There's a part of me that's always true...always
Not all good things come to an end now it is only a chosen few
I've seen such an unhappy couple
Almost me
Almost you
Almost blue

Friday I'm In Love

I stayed away from The Cure. For one apparent reason. They. Don't. Sound. Like. It. Could. Work.

They should have called themselves Misery. Or The Wretched. Well, whatever works.

Friday, I am. So was I on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And the weekend.

Wow. It's been a week. And I still feel far away from being able to blog, being up to blogging.

In; Out; Of; At; With; To; this Matrix thing, it's a repetition. Copy of a copy. Routine. Call it what you will.

My eyes hurt. I hurt more inside.

Don't you wish you have your children to kill so you could de-stress?



Still trying to breath right? Pick up the phone and call Jules, she could make you feel better. But she's at work.

You look through your phone book and realise : You're alone for this one.





Stop. And wake up.

Matrix

Unfortunately, no one can be told what The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.

Supposed

Allegedly, I don't feel like blogging. But I had to put this down.

Right about now, I've switched to listening to my usual angry album, Alanis Morissette's Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie.

This album came out right about when I turned 18 and I had a lot of pent up anger and.. guilt. The album just started. Front Row. And the song that usually turns me frowning and upset, has got me tearing and upset. Front row with pop corn. I get to see you.. close up. Wow.

Magnify this.

Sorry. Mystify me.

Whatever.

Right about 2 hours ago, I have been laying in my bed. Listening to my nicely made up flattering album of INXS, part of my education. It was playing back to back.

To be completely honest, the comment on blog with lyrics... that kinda threw me off a little. I would never have expected. I said in the earlier email... it was like reading my mind. Yes. It was. And what was worse, it was anonymous. And I couldn't tell who Anonymous was.

But it was reading my mind, and it was INXS.

And it was raining this evening. And I went running in the rain. And I got wet. And I got my Chai Latte.

It was a lot of things. A series of event. Certain turn in things. It was... almost as if I was.. going to expect something to be able to complete the evening. Something.. Something Wonderful.

I don't know.

The comfort of being home alone is by choice. I made that choice. And although not as original as I always want to be, I was riding on Alanis' straight-to-here illusionment of transparent dangling carrots and elusive kudos. Yeah!


How about me not blaming you for everything?
How about me enjoying a moment for once?
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you?
How about grieving it all one at a time?

Thank You India
Thank You Terror
Thank You Disillusionment
Thank You Frailty
Thank You Consequence
Thank You Thank You Silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jump out of it was the moment that I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic?
How about remembering your divinity?
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out?
How about not equating death with stopping?

Speaking To Me

Some songs just... It was almost as if someone could read my mind. As requested, and as I feel completely appropriate for the moment..


In the dark of the night
Those small hours
Uncertain and anxious
I need to call you

Rooms full of strangers
Some call me friend
But I wish you were so close to me

In the dark of night
Those small hours
I drift away
When I'm with you

In the dark of night
By my side
In the dark of night
By my side, by my side, by my side
I wish you were
I wish you were

Here comes the clown
His face in a wall
No window
No air at all

In the dark of night
Those faces they haunt me
But I wish you were
So close to me

By my side
By my side
I wish you were
I wish you were
By my side

In the dark of night
Those faces they haunt me
I wish you were so close to me

Yes I wish you were
By my side

Tuesday

I couldn't sleep last night.

I got up, lit my candle, chill the room and climbed back into bed. It's late. Or it's early. Depends. It's those moments in my day that I could relate to Frank's In The Wee Small Hours of The Morning.


Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out To Dry.

*%&@#*

It was too ugly to put into words.


It's so easy to get me teary.

Gina in the evenings

Gine was on Mess with me this evening. She was P-I-S-S-E-D. Completely. Totally. Her words, habis habis PISSED.

And she started describing instances to me and keep asking me, "Tell me what you think. Tell me, how would you have reacted?!"

She was going to lose it. If she was closer, I'd have slapped her.

Then she gave me an instance :

Gina: yeah.. bygones
Gina: ok lah
Gina: if you are not married now
Gina: imagine lah
Gina: you hang out with this group of friends
Gina: then your best buddy go and get snuggly with steve
Gina: how wud you react?
Shine: kakakka
Shine: i'd be very impressed
Gina: lol
Gina: true also hor
Shine: that anyone besides me finds it nice to snuggle with steve
Shine: LOL
Gina: coz meaning - your man is DA MAN
Gina: all women are dying for him
Shine: LOL
Shine: yes
Gina: but you are the one getting it
Gina: lol
Shine: never mind
Gina: that is very positive thinking
Gina: haha
Gina: better to think the glass as half full eh?
Gina: haha
Shine: that he hasn't lost attraction
Gina: lol
Shine: any, since the marriage
Gina: dont you think it's dangerous?
Gina: haha
Shine: if i'm there, no
Gina: wah really salute you lah
Gina: if he can do this in front of you
Shine: why ar?
Gina: what makes you think he wont do it at your back?
Shine: well, never happened before
Shine: LOL
Shine: i mean
Gina: hahahahaah
Shine: in front and at the back also
Gina: salute you lah
Gina: coz you totally have confidence in yourself
Gina: usually only ladies in their 30s would feel that secure


I was almost ROFLMAO.

Thank you Gine, for entertainment in the evening. And cool it on the WY thing. You need to smoke this one out, girl.

Thinking Twice

Or more than that.

The weekend on Sunday, was the same for me. Although with plans that didn't go through, I did what I usually do on a Sunday. I lie in front of the tv in the living room floor. For a small place, just the 4 of us, it was very difficult to make sure my mom or my dad don't step on me. With less than 800 sq ft, I had to be very careful where I put my remote controls, my Twisties and my Pringles. My dad could have played Godzilla all over them.

I was up by 11. I called Jules at quarter to noon. She was down with the feves. And thus, breaking all my Sunday plans. I had a list. I find it safer to go out with a list. But it doesn't matter. I lay in bed for a while. And then switched on to Entourage.

I have no patience for boys. But that Sunday, I lay in front of the tv and watched 3.5 hours of just boys. Entourage.

And when it ended at 3.30 pm, I was eager to find out what happened to Vince. Or E.

It was addictive. It was better than the addiction to Desperate Housewives. I was angry watching Desperate Housewives. But with Entourage. It was different. It was pointless, it was senseless and there was nothing for me to get all worked up on.

My next highlight was of course, CSI Supreme Sunday. I made sure I had my timings all right. I snuck in A Series of Unfortunate Events before beginning Mac at 10.00 pm. I am brilliant.

The race isn't till this weekend. I have this Saturday full already. Now. Should I risk planning with Jules for coming Sunday or play it safe and stay at home on the floor in front of the tv and not miss the race?

Hmm... It's the end of the month. I've been indulging too much this month. And not even dentist yet. To therapy or not to therapy?

By Demand

Trey and Muriel on Channel V.

It's been ages since I've watched Trey and Muriel on By Demand, Channel V. I remember CT Sue and I used to watch it religiously. And today, instead of having my usual smell, I had a different one on. JLo.

I miss Trey and Muriel. I miss Muriel's purple. And I miss Trey's silly. They do the craziest things on air. And this posting, is by demand. Here, take it.

My amazing mom

This was taken in Jan 2005. We both went to Genting.

My cousin, Yen, was Supervisor in Starbucks Genting 2. This means, my mom and I can make as many visits, as many stops as we want. See, that's my mom in my Nike sweater. I am a jacket person.

I haven't seen my mom since Tuesday evening. When we were playing our drama with Jules' mom.

This morning, I saw my mom.

I woke up at 6.00 am. I desperately need to use the loo. Now that's the problem with 4 people in 1 house with 1 bathroom.

She paused her shower to let me use the loo. And asked me why am I up so early. I spoke to her for as long as she switched out of the bathroom and me in. I think there was 5 sentences. I was still grodgy. Or else I could have summed it all up to only 2 complete sentences.

I went back to bed. Only to be woken up by an alarm clock not mine. Jeez. And tried going back to sleep again. I'm grouchy today.

To make the day better, I went in search of breakfast. Disappointed. Twice. I went to get my regular dose at Starbucks, only to find 7 people in queue ahead of me. And again, I'm in queue but not in view, a couple of doinks jump ahead and no one says a thing.

I left my mom a message on our whiteboard at home. I need my usual outfit for concert. Tonight. Then decide against. I'm going to go, with my slippers and shorts and top. Full stop.

Sometimes I think I'm what I hate in people. I lack intergrity to walk my talk.

The Ceiling

This is the ceiling fan that started it all.
It was 17th Jan 2005. I was lying on Devi's living room floor. And I was looking up at the fan wondering why they didn't turn it on.

It was bare. They just moved in.

We had a plastic table sponsored by the mamak stall downstairs.
We had 4 plastic chairs sponsored by Devi's mom.

And we had no curtain. We had nothing.

It was this ceiling moment, that made me decide to start blogging.

Office on 5th floor - Shine

This, was the dining table. Until I turned it my office. The files, the clipboard, the pencil case, the walkie-talkie.. everything.

Then, Serena came and tried to put right my... "table". She didn't succeed.

Office on 5th floor - Qert

Psst.. these are very incriminating pictures.


In June 2005, this was where we were squatting. This, is Qert's office.

Picture of a poster

I took this picture this morning. This was the picture and the pose I was talking about!

This! Is! Stephen Rahman-Hughes!

Excellent picture. Great pose.

Everything else about him, not so fantastic.

He could have played Hang Tuah better. Too little presense felt. Too little charisma.

This, however, is ... currently my wallpaper on my phone...

Gorgeous

Not the best picture. I don't like this picture at all.

This is Stephen Rahman-Hughes. He plays male leading role in PGL The Musical.

There's actually a better picture of him. It's on the poster. The poster on every monorail station.

Wait till you see him in costume, and the pose.

The poster has been on every monorail station since... about 2 weeks back. But this morning, this poster... was going to be ripped off the wall. Almost.

But I behaved.

Anyway, if I could still get a copy of the poster, I will have my ticket booth replaced. Okay, truth be told, not really.. it would still have made it to my bulletin board.. maybe minus one or two of my INXS posters.. Possibly. I really can't tell.

The thing is.. this morning.. Stephen Rahman-Hughes was gorgeous. Tonight, there is only one. Still.

Horatio Caine.

Hella Good

The waves keep on crashing on me for some reason
But your love keeps on coming like a thunderbolt
Come here a little closer
'Cause I wanna see you, baby, real close up
(Get over here)

You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing

Your performance deserving a standing ovation
And who would have thought it'd be the two of us
So don't wake me if I'm dreaming
'Cause I'm in the mood come on and give it up

You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing
You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing

Ooh yeah yeah
Ooh yeah yeah

You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing
You've got me feeling hella good
So let's just keep on dancing
You hold me like you should
So I'm gonna keep on dancing

Keep on dancing
Keep on dancing

PGL - The Musical

This is my first musical since forever.

The last time I went for a musical, I was also in this office.

October 2003. I remember it because Kee made me promise not to buy the soundtrack.

November 2003. Kee presented the soundtrack for my birthday.

Sweetest thing.

I went for PGL The Musical last night.

I'm one of those weird funny ones. Not many people buy Made In Malaysia. I bought the original PGL The Movie. I bought the original Sepet. I wanted to go for PGL since season 1. But things are always tight. I thought, next time around...

And this, performance between Aug 6th to 21st, was the next time around. And I wanted to go. But as usual, things are always tight. I was already going for INXS this month. And there's still the dentist.

There's always something. Something is always popping up.

The musical was amazing. It was brilliant. And I miss being on stage. I went for it because I'm a freeloader. I went for it because it popped up on me, last minute, close to lunch time. For the show on the same day. It popped. But the circumstances of which it did, was welcoming.

And paupers can't be choosers.

It was an amazing production. Great lighting. Excellent team of musicians. Touching lyrics. Powering movements. All in all, it was brilliant. It was amazing. And I was impressed.

I had gasping moments, LOL moments, truly impressed-awed moments, ticklish moments, just everything I would label, entertainment.

I loved it.

Although with all choices, there is consequences. With all decisions, certain consequences. I understand why I made that decision. I know it. And if that wasn't a reason enough, I'm glad to clarify and point out further. But I won't.

It's close to that time. And I don't want to say things I don't want to say.

Yesterday morning started me with realisation that it is certain. It is close to that time. I was in the monorail. I was sending angry texts. I was upset. And to make me feel better, I tuned into Justin. And I was crystalising. With Justin. By the time I got to Planet for my regular drink, I had to stop listening to Justin.

Planet was playing No Doubt, and I remember where I was when I last listened to this song.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day. And I made that change in the evening for it to be a good day. I met office's priorities. I met Boss' priorities. I went and did something I want to do. And yes... it was a good day and night.

Excellent musical it was...

Priorities

No time to blog.

Priorities :
1. The team needs to make sure I close payroll today. Or we can all eat dust for the entire next month.

Sorry. Team priority comes first.

Plus free ticket. LOL! LMAO!

Favourites

Like this one. This album, is a favourites.

Lots of things are favourites. Smells. CSIs. Horatio scenes. Songs. Aerosmith. Chilli (Palmer). Alanis Morissette. The Tie. The Shirt.

Confession : I have a picture of The Tie on my phone. When he calls, his tie pops up. Not just any tie, The Tie.

I'm sorry, I side tracked. When I meant to talk about favourites, I wanted to say my favourite couple called me. Oh wait.. half of my favourite couple called me. From UK.

They're back! In about.. 6 weeks! They will be back for 2 and a half weeks. But the great thing is, they're back. For a while.

He was a little discerned that Boss and Qert are both no longer.. there and me .. we.. weren't there anymore and it feels a little.. different for them to go back to.

I remember going to pick them up with Qert when they first arrived. I remember how I con Melv into giving me Sunday off so I could watch F1 the same weekend. I remember the reception we threw them for our first check in.

I remember the day I sent them to the airport.
I remember when they walked away I was crying.
I remember Mrs. Marshall calling me on my mobile as I walked with flooded tears. I didn't pick up her call.
I remember rescuing her pashmina from Bar Savanh and I sent it for dry cleaning.
The text next morning (I still have it) "You are one special young lady, how can I thank you for your kindness, over and above duty. Thank you so much for rescuing my pashmina. x"

I remember the last lunch we had together, plus the two nasty boys I work with.

Oh they were the sweetest.

My favourite couple. Still.

Crash

I was told, more than once that this is a good movie.

So instead of getting my RM 5 per piece deal on DVDs, I know this one, I won't be able to get it. I went and got my own copy.

I didn't find it that amazing. I'm sorry.

I didn't find it that emotional. I didn't find it that.. Uh.. Let's just say I was really looking forward to the movie.

With me, certain movies need certain.. timing.. and certain.. lighting.. certain amount of people at home, certain amount of people not at home.. certain feel-good, certain frown, certain.. blink-blinkiness, certain.. twinkle-twinkle?

Why do you think I haven't watched Kill Bill Vol. 2?
It's there.. it's right there.. and I have it.. I look at it.. and I ask myself, do I want to see more of The Bride? Just the kinda thing with my Alanis Morissette.

I can play Frank anytime, anywhere, anyhow, no matter what. But with Alanis Morissette, not the same case.



Over-rated.

Next!

A Moanday

It's a good thing I woke up early this morning.

I had a few things to look forward to. But what I didn't look forward to was my Winnie The Pooh tote bag drowning. There was a lot of cleaning up to do.

When I got to the monorail station, the station platform could hardly handle the capacity of people on the platform. Some smart ass stopped the escalator on emergency. We all tumbled. And when we got on the platform, it took two monorails to clear the amount of people on the platform. I waited. And I waited. I had Sade waiting with me. 5 Sade albums. I could have an overdose. But I didn't. I waited till two monorails cleared the platform of people and got on the next.

Something's different today.

No email, no sms, no breakfast, I even went to CBTL instead of the usual Planet. I had a Chai Latte.

Ten minutes in the office and The Tie presented itself for my glimpse.

Even that didn't change a thing.

Something about this Monday is still off.

But still. Let today be a good day.

A Weekend To Remember

It's been a great week. I've had so many things to help me count the blessings.
Monday night. Tuesday Mom's birthday. Wednesday deliveries - 2!! Thursday - lunch wit CY and my INXS ticket! Friday - Happy Friday Day. (back in those days when I look forward to the weekend)

Friday I'm In Love.

Dinner tomorrow night.. and sleeping in on Sunday.

So. The weekend is set.

The meter counter on my blog is not rolling. And I am missing...

I bought my first John Mayer album in Singapore. It was me, return flights, two nights at the RCMS, my Nike Air and a good map. My first trip to Singapore.. after 11 years.. alone.. shopped, ate and numbed. I only knew four people in Singapore. One of them, my senior in high school. She was tending the bar in Lobby Lounge. Ha ha. Bad night. Ended badly. LOL.

I'm glad I started the night by giving Rach my room key.

Sigh. Singapore. RCMS. Nice. I even got a suite. For travelling alone. LOL. It was a trip with no expense spared.

And I did that.

It was 2 days after Chinese New Year. My dad was horrified I was going away on such a short notice and if I caught a fever during the New Year and not thinking right. But what he did was, he sent me to purchase my flight tickets anyway.

Steve even sent me to the Airport.

He took time off from work, had lunch with me and sent me to the airport.


So, that was my Singapore escapade. So long time ago. I hardly remember it, besides that my feet hurt from all that walking. And I bought many things. It was a beautiful weekend at the beautiful RCMS.

Sigh.

Kwai Chang Caine

"I am Caine. I will help you"

I grew up hearing those lines. And now that I am "up", I am infatuated with a different Caine.

Horatio Caine.

Do you know... I really want to blog the pictures that Jules and I took on our holiday to Labuan and our one day one night trip to KK. And I really want to blog how proud I am of De La Rosa to finish podium in Budapest.

But all that keeps popping up today is Kill Bill. And with relating to "Bill", I remember Kwai Chang Caine. I don't even know why I would have vague memories of watching Kung Fu. It is so not my time.

Because I can't remember my first concert...

But I did come up with a list of A Few Good Men..
- Brad
- Robbie
- Clive
- Horatio

Nice.

Great new tune to brainwash self for the weekend : Tokyo Drift - Fast and Furious. Excellent tune. The office is going to be playing this tune all day today.


Music. I also like this song by Madonna. Always makes me dance.

I want to listen to JLo today. Something's wrong this Friday. I feel like many things today. To begin the day with Chai Latte. To listen to JLo. To go sell something expensive and sell it great. To take my INXS poster and stick it all over the place. To rudely hang up a call.

It's a weird Friday. And a long weekend.

The Rock Zone

Last night, I left the office at 8.00 pm. And I walked out to go purchase my ticket for The Rock Zone. I had Jules on the line with me. I had the magazines in my bag. And I sent her a picture of a picture.

The shit was offline. I couldn't purchase my tickets.

But I got them now. I have them safe in my pocket.

I had lunch today, with CY. And it was a filling lunch. I miss the days when we were in Resi and could walk off lunch after lunch.

So, now, the bulletin board by my desk.. INXS.. I even photocopied my concert tickets so that I can keep looking at it when I am in the office.

It's all good.. I went for the service this morning.. It was.. highly charged. But good..


Here's to being with everyone else mediocre, everyone else... I'm in the Rock Zone too.




sigh

I've Got It!

I got my hands on copies of Faces! And true dat, when the guy took our picture I knew it was gonna get published.

After he took the picture, he showed KK the picture and KK asked him to take their picture too. Har har har har.

3 copies of Faces, hand delivered. Nice. Two visits, two hand delivery service. Not bad. Not bad. I am almost.. could be.. possible.. feel.. pretty amazing.

Till.

Anyway, CY sent lunch to my desk today. She really is the sweetest thing.

I may have difficulties with many other people, but with the few good ones that I have, I count my blessings every night.

My new best friend, has seen nothing but hospital whites between last week and this. She's been MIA from this building for some time now. And my feet hurts.. from the 3 inches heels that I put myself through. I miss my worn down size 4... I mean, yes, also my new best friend. But I called her and spoke to her yesterday.

And she was almost breaking down.

Then she said that this is what she has decided to do when she decided to go back. And this is what she will do. (If I was there, I'd have slapped her) That's why if she can help it, she doesn't talk about her when faced with me. She talks about me and turns the table around. Always trying to guilt trip me about the mini cigar box. That's not gonna work. You need better leverage than that.

The weekend seems to creep up again. And I look forward to it with mixed emotions. Looking forward because.. I'll be spending time with my parents. Not looking forward because... I normally don't look forward to weekends.

There won't be another race till 27th. And I've pretty much finished most the DVDs in my hands and.. I guess.. it's Ender then. My Endertainment. For this weekend.

Or better. Work some distraction on me.

Spelling error...

Yesterday evening, Abg Saad and myself, had two bouts of ROFLOAO. It was like our island in the office has been infected.

It was so scary Boss came out from the office and held her palm to my forehead.

I left the office last night at 9.30 pm. That's familiar. That's the norm.

I got into the car, and it was the first time I had a LOL with Steve in a very long time. He printed me a copy of his current email, corresponding with SLKL.

The sender of the email : THKL - Housepeeing Manager

Reply from : SLKL - Executive Housekeeper "Have you changed your standard from shitting around to peeing around?!"

Some of my mom..

That's my mom with Devi.

She's known Devi since I was in college. Coz Devi and I were in college together.

That's her hugging Devi. Devi and I went on a LGK trip together, just the two of us. We went to visit Jess. And my mom and Devi's parents, were amazing. Brilliant. Anyone who has allowed us both to go on holiday together, should worry till the ends of the world. But they... survived it.

And there's always the story of Devi, Shine and the rented bicycle. LOL. It was almost a story of Shine, Angel and the runaway ironing board. The only thing was, Devi, Shine and the rented bicycle gave Shine very swollen fingers. LOL.

Truly..

The next pic is of Jules and my mom. Jules has caught on to how to take pictures of herself, with my camera. So when I was caught in the fitting room alone, with Jay Venn my babysitter (it was supposed to be the other way round) Jules went out to take pictures on what was happening outside.

She came back and said, "Your mom's alright. She's breathing fine. Here's a picture to prove it"

Jules is amazing. My mom even more so.


I am truly blessed..

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Hah. It's my mom's birthday today. And I am still in office.

I didn't see her this morning, but called her at kindy when her classes are over. She shushed me off the phone. My mom being my mom. She's the type who doesn't remember a mobile phone is for mobility. She's getting into the car, she needs to hang up (and she doesn't even drive) Or she's walking into her room, she has to hang up. She's so cute.

She's so so cute and wonderful that every one of my cousins wishes that she is their mom.

Me and Jules, with gap of 2 years, was raised by my mom. Together. And strict. You can ask Jules. It's a really funny thing in our family, all the kids has 2 years gap with each other. My year, there's my cousin bro and me. Jules' year, was the year there was 4 of them. And then I lost count coz I got older.

Jules sent me the text this afternoon : Allo!! Pls go check out tis month's Faces. Got out pic!! wah hahahaha!! I also found my sim card back!!

I called her. And she didn't pick up the phone.

Yeah, I forgot. She can't use the phone while at her desk job. Wait, she's not even supposed to be at work yet. Where is that girl...?

I walked to Planet Starbucks, where I most often find this magazine. Didn't arrive.
I walked to CBTL, don't have this magazine.
I walked to the next Planet Starbucks, nil.

Excellent. Vainpot Shine can't find Faces to see her own in there.

I know, and I could almost picture myself holding that magazine and going home zooming to my mom and candidly speak very fast. I could almost see that grin on my face. And my mom, would humour me. "Look look, it's your daughter, on the magazine. On your birthday!"

LOL.

And I can imagine her reaction, "Sure honey..." (although she doesn't call me honey) And she would give me the grin with the look.

Then I will sod off and try something cute again later. LOL.

It's a lot better than playing hide-and-seek with my dad with the remote!

So, no cheque this year. I gave her cash.





:D

Jakatta - Visions

Okay. Confession : The Frank album and the John Mayer album wasn't the only two albums I stole from JC. I stole this album too. But actually... JC gave them to me. Because I've kept them for a very long time. Might as well.

I was first introduced to this album by MH. (Very weird thing about MH. He's got this sense of music that is not like his character. Yeah, who would have thought, Linkin Park? LOL) And right about the introduction to Jakatta, JC showed up with the CD. Nice. Of course the album is mine. Should be, hence, is.

So with this album, I corrupted Qert's lap and Jin-I-wannabe-dorg-next-life's lap. These two laps were the one I used to use, when I was still Carrie-ing in the "training office" in UG.

And in the office this afternoon... while blasting my Pod, I came across this tune, "It Will Be" on Late Night Sessions. And it's nice to hear that Qert actually moved my Jakatta tunes into Pod.

This is one great album. Qert said this album is dreamy. And I smile everytime I hear any tune from this album because it is an excellent album. And I love it. My favourite MOS so far.

Actually, since receiving Jules' text this afternoon, I have been searching for an Aug copy of Faces. You see... we're on it. LOL. And vainpot Shine wants to seeeeee...

So, with the feeling of Maison and listening to Jakatta, I'm going to sleep in a bit.... nice..

I Know What I Did Last Night!

I know what I did last night. And I know what one person did last night.

I left office early on a Monday. How often does that happen?

I walked out of office at 7.00 pm and the team went... "What?! You cannot leave earlier than me?!!~~"

I walked out of office anyway.

I had a good night's sleep. Deciding that yesterday was going to be good, I kept it up. And I did it. Good.

Keeping Mum

It's my mom's birthday tomorrow. And like every Mother's Day, every birthday, I write her a cheque. And my mom being my mom, would never bank in the cheque.

There's two reasons to that, both I won't share.

I had a 3 o-clock today. I nearly forgot about that, for it not the phone call I received to remind me. It's weird, because they said to me, "Welcome back, only with different hair" Not even different hairstyle, just different hair. Like they would know what they're talking about.

I went back to a familiar place. A familiar heartache. I would have done a better house tour. And I would have sold a lot more. I did it so well. Qert did it so well. We brought house tours that was so much more than just a house tour.

I kept quiet as I joined this house tour. Familiar place. My pitch was so much better. So much more me. Then again, it's me. My original team, down to two. Only two.

My heart truly ached when I saw the condition of the lift. Heads would roll if I still ran that lobby. Everything felt so familiar, the touch, the place, the colours, the same dent, on the same desk, the stain, on the same spot. So much familiarity. The smell. The colour. The feel. The pain. The tear. The vent. The riser. All of a sudden all the anger well up in me and I was going to club someone.

I am glad I got out of it. I am glad I no longer have to sit in these familiar series and cry because they don't know how much I loved the job and the rooms. That they don't know how liberating it is to go up to the penthouse swimming pool and yell my lungs out.

All the things I've left behind.
What changed? Besides the lift now takes 10 minutes to arrive.
What changed? Besides 5th floor is still a dumpster.
What changed? Besides my one-bedroom suite quarter is now the Butler's Pantry.
What changed? Besides not holding one key to open a hundred doors.
What changed? Nothing much. I went back to a familiar lobby and only 1 son was left, and called me mom.
What changed?

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

The Gump said it right, Stupid Is As Stupid Does.

I remember telling my No. 2 that there is no such thing as people who would stop doing stupid things. No way. Never. Show me a person who could stop doing stupid thing and I'll show you a poor corrupt official.

No such thing. Doesn't exist.

stu·pid (stpd, sty-)
adj. stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est

1. Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.
2. Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes.
3. Marked by a lack of intelligence or care; foolish or careless: a stupid mistake.
4. Dazed, stunned, or stupefied.
5. Pointless; worthless: a stupid job.

n.

A stupid or foolish person.

There you go. The meaning, the definition.

Right about now, stupid is realising why Carrie run in her 3 inches heels. You think she has a choice? No, she doesn't. And after her fiasco of running in her 3 inches heels, she will be calling herself stupid.

And right at my desk, I find Stupid.

Just about 10 minutes before that, I find myself having an Alanis Morissette session. Knees of my bees.

Bygones.

Still. Let today be a good day.

Don't waste it on frustration and pain on your poor feet.

Music on Pod

Okay. Not the first time I'm saying it, but it doesn't matter. I'll say it again.

Janet Jackson to Qert, is like Alanis Morissette to me.

And this morning, desperately searching for a happy camper-ness, I switched to the "Playlist" on the Pod and found :
Angry
Cheese
Coast
Happy
Pimp
Smooth

I found Janet Jackson on Smooth. And I stayed on Smooth.

The Ego landed this morning and again, I was woken up with a dedicated ring tone 45 minutes before my alarm would right. Since my eyes are already open, and the dedicated ring tone already playing, I might as well get up. But found a queue for the bathroom.

I wasn't too late when I arrived at the office. I have Jamiroquai playing this morning in the office.

It's going to be a good day.

Very Early In The Morning

This picture was taken after we had that B3 incident with the red carpet. On opening day.

The night before, we all sat down with Zero and had.. very early breakfast, or very late dinner, or supper in between... and Zero said, morning briefing at 6.30 am. (I heard 7.30 am)

LOL.

We dismissed and breath right wrongly after Zero left the table. Even Qert needed a cigarette that night. We were all going crazy.

I woke up at 6.30 am, during the morning briefing. LOL. By Qert. I think he was going to barge through the door. I was staying in my usual "quarters" the anomaly of a one-bedroom suite.

By the time I got my ass down to the lobby. Everyone was dead. Everyone has been shot. And I found Qert in the office looking like this. My sorry ass is so going to burn. I knew it. I was late! Morning briefing at 6.30 am, what was I thinking 7.30 am!!

Yeah. I went to see Zero. And subsequently, I .. well.

So, here. We're looking for the missing script. We even called in CSI SivaK. But you know what, we're all just hiding in the office... SivaK has no idea what to do, and where to find that missing script. We are all going to fry.

I went back to running my team. There were a lot of casualties in my lobby that day.

And the Ritzy team showed up to help make the wounds hurt more. And there was the arranged team of medic, and everyone else to help clear and sweep blood off the floor. But it was making the red carpet look so much nicer!

These pictures, almost a year ago...

Nice. Look. Now Qert can park where he wants to park.

And the rest of us, still playing casualties.

Superman - Supersized

Okay. This is Suite 521.

Also known as :

• Amenity store (kitchen)
• Linen store (2nd bedroom)
• Qert's office (library area)
• My office (dining table)
• Office (living room)
• Uh.. you looking for what?? Bin card. Uh.. 3rd bedroom toilet.

Suite 521 took us a million years to put right. (after we were done squatting there) because I suspect.. that there were indeed some squatting going on in the store rooms!

Question : Why do you think we don't sell 5th floor? (still!)

La la la...

La la la..

Too little. Too soon.

As you can tell, that's the same background as the picture of Qert before. Yes, we were still squatting. And this is Qert in Pink.

This, was before the Johnny Bravo hairstyle this year.

I have more pictures of where we were squatting. We were a bunch of sorry ass.

Reading...

Last night I found my series of Ender. Which lead to the beginning of Bean. I have never been a sci-fi person until Orson Scott Card.

Then I realise I.. didn't have the first book to my Ender series. Silly.

I was in my chilled room, when I texted Jin-I-wannabe-dorg-next-life.

I need Book 1 of Ender : Ender's Game

No reply.



Still no reply.


So I picked up Book 2 and started reading. It couldn't hold me for 10 seconds. I switched to Bean. Bean there. Done that. But the familiar lines were comforting. I was waiting for midnight in the moonshine.

This morning popping on my screen, was luckily not Glam Queen. But she did that too. Only after Jin did.

"OI. Ender's Game is at home. Come over lah!"

Mch. No. Send it to the office you sent me peanuts 5 years ago. I got Book 2, Book 3 and Book 4 of Ender series. Continuation of Bean, I've got the set except the last one. Let me know when you need Book 2, 3, 4 and then Bean.

"I have Book 2, 3 and 4. But I don't know if I want to start with Bean.. I like Ender too much"

There's a reason why Bean was Ender's Shadow. HARLOW?

"I like Ender too much that I haven't started, don't want to start with Bean"

...



Glam Queen : Grumpy! My nails are no longer bleeding. You should see them now, all nicely manicured.

Glam Queen : bla bla bla bla bla

Sure. PM you when I have it.

Glam Queen : PM? What's that? Ok ok. Ya. Got it. Sorry. In pain. Brain not working.

Pppphhhhffffffttttttttttt

Glam Queen : Yuck. *wiping your horrible saliva off my beautiful nails*

*I rolled my eyes* She isn't Glam Queen for no reason.

Glam Queen : So. bla bla bla bla bla

La La La... I'm not working tomorrow :D

Glam Queen : Ahh.. K. I'll speak to Fion.

Yah. Do that. Now go away. Before I bite your nails.

Glam Queen : HOOOORRRRRIIIIIBBBLLLLLEEEEEE GGGGIIIIRRRRLLLLLLL

Get off my screen.

Weekend

It's the weekend. And it feels a little weird. I have never been much looking forward to this weekend. Among many other things, but this, was one thing I couldn't change.

Unchartered territory, must be. But that's how this has always been. That's how.. "filling" this has been for me. Because if you remember correctly, that's how JC and I got talking and got to spending time watching Band of Brothers together.

Last night it was empty, and I am glad. Even the simplest new advertisement by Prudential had me crystalising. I am just glad I was in solitaire.

I did the usual. Chill the room, play my music, dim the lights, light some candles... spend time talking to my mom.. My dad was upset over one thing. I don't blame him. I used to be upset over things like that. I don't anymore. I guess it's growing up? Well, if you cannot forgive you just forget.

Since I have been thinking, and since it is only next week that my paper supply will arrive and one other thing, I put on my lightweight and listened to Aerosmith.

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing - is the first thing I successfully disassociated with a bad memory and re-associate with a new one. And I always am very fond of the song since.

Working on disassociating and re-associating takes a lot of effort., That I don't know if I want to. Everything that made me me, everything that could make me a better person. Sigh.

I found the card. And I am glad my memory serves with me right. It is indeed the correct picture on the card, it is indeed the correct verse of the song on the back of the card. I have it with me right now in the office. In my two-tier drawer... Everything is on the top drawer.

And warm comfort of knowing... there is secret pocket and there is my second drawer.


Be strong, Shine... It's only the weekend.

Insensitive

I am one piece of insensitive shit.

It seems that my "open"-ness needs a little bit of closing. Chairwoman has a set of my locker keys. This morning, I walked into my new best friend. She.. is locked out of her locker. Her days has been crazy, her dad's been diagnosed with cancer, her husband (I don't want to talk about that a**) but her days.. been pretty much hayhire and upsetting. The children are restless, the job is frustrating.. all in all.. I understand why I found her standing outside my office, desperately wishing for my extra pair of heels, making do with even my worn down size 4.

I gave her my locker key. To keep her stuff, to access my stuff...

When I went to see her outside my office she asked me, in a very serious tone, "Shine. It's the first thing I saw when I open your locker. Please tell me it's over. Or are you still hanging on?"

....

She saw that box of mini cigar I have.. that I still keep.. and that is so one person. And she knows who it is. Because only one person in this whole world has that.

I didn't remember since when I've had it. But it was always there. Every morning when I open my locker. It's there. I see it. But I've never given it another thought. Until I find my new best friend outside my office, asking me this question.

"You can tell me if ... you're still.. hanging on, I can slap you silly. And you can also tell me if you both are.. back.. you know I'll be happy for you, right. If that's what you want...?"

I'm sorry honey. This is not the time nor the place to do this. But no, I am not still hanging on, I am not ... back..

"But the box is the first thing that stares in your face when you open that locker of your!?"

Yes, but I don't see it.

"He's not... .. uh.."

No. He's not.

I don't want to make this difficult for you. I know for a while we both confided in this same person. But I don't go to him anymore and you and me, we have no conflicting loyalties in between us anymore.

Trippin'

I'm a soundtrack person. Okay. It's not the first time I've said it. It's... Many many times.

Since I got Ed back online with me, music access has been so simple. I can have any song I want. But the thing about it is, my sponsored speakers are not here yet. And, I can't move any of my music into my obsolete Pod. I don't want to begin to voice my frustrations about that.

Steve is having a couple of days off. Finally taking 3 days to slow down and catch his breath. Boss, with signature frown, is back on treatment, again. It's really not easy. I mean for Boss.

I called Chairwoman, and forwarded her a text. When I received it, I was LMAO. She subsequently replied, "I dun noe la. I think u should go"

"Excellent. Thanks for your advise. You must have gone crazy"

I called her in the evening and spoke for 40 minutes. She was going bonkers.

And the only thing she kept doing was, repeating who this person is to me. And that I, was probably the easiest sell ever.

"It's pre-planned! You had your Penang. He will have his!"

Thanks. Really. I don't want to know. And you're not helping.

"I don't know lah. It is so obvious. You know you work late. And he's got time on his hands. And I cannot believe all the while he was trying to guilt trip you!?"

Please. Please. Stop.

"What next? He buys you dinner and buys his way out next week to go somewhere else?"

Shut up. I didn't call so you can make me feel worse.

"No, you call me so that I remind you. I remind you of what this is, that you're having. I remind you."

Yeah. Thanks.

"It's so weird. I didn't realise you're married. But you are."



Thanks for sharing. Hey, it's close to breaking fast. And I have to go. The girls bought me dinner. And we're breaking fast together.

My Resort Island has been the sweetest thing : Sunset, Sunburn, Sunblock and Suntan.

Pert-lection

I've had these incriminating pictures since forever. In fact, this picture was taken when we were squatting in .. Cesar 4.

We were squatting in so many places I don't really remember which place it was.

Qert moved his shit so many times, he had permanent storage in Cha Cha's office, until we could advise when we're moving again.

And Qert moved his tie rack around the place a lot. We almost used it to wipe dust off our nose. We had a choice of Armani, Kenzo, mostly Versace on what to bother our nose with.

This is one ugly picture that I threaten to put up on my blog. The day has come.

I still have 4 incriminating pictures. I am going to save it till I have another Calvin day and post it on my blog.

Little successes.

Small joys.

Thanks for being there. Thanks for moving around with us when we were trying to work everything from Cobalt 2. Or Cesar 1. Or Cesar 4. Or whenever we were called to .... The Counter by Zero on Carlton Floor. And be publicly ... uh.. seen as.. he spoke softly but.. everybody who walked past knew what was happening.

Thank you.

Lost In Translation

Right about today, if I only I look this good feeling/looking sad.

I would be a Ms. Constantine. (which reminds me, I haven't gone to breath right wrongly today)

I don't know what I need right now to feel better. If I knew, I would have done it already.

It's only Wednesday today. And the weekends feels so near already. I'm feeling so sick already. And it didn't help at all, with the sms I received this afternoon.

Sometimes I really wish that I have time to walk. Walk and think a lot. Think about what I want out of this. What was I looking for? What did I expect?

Of course you will come out of this burnt. Did you expect otherwise?

I am just so not worth.

I went outside today, ready for my solo walk. For my stroll and keep breathing the sky in. But it rained on me. As I expected.

I had a good weekend. And I shouldn't expect more. That's it.

I don't know what else to say. I've lost all words and reasonings today.

My mobile rang with a dedicated ring tone today, and I answered it. It's not long now. Just a couple of days more.. it's next week...

But to get to next week, I have to get through this weekend.

Please give me strength, wisdom of understanding and consideration...

As I type this I find myself crying at my desk again. I will need to find the staircase spot again. Soon. Immediately. Fast. I thought I was done with the tears. I wasn't.

The more I thought about it, the more I feel pained. And I don't know nowadays, it's so easy to have these crystals. It's not even that time of the month yet.

No, just give me strength to accept the things I cannot change.

And as soon as forever is through, I'll be over you

Till My Fingers Bleed!

Glam Queen : Grumpy! bla bla bla bla bla

Sure. Will do. Revert shortly.

Glam Queen : ttyl. Must make fingers bleed or else Ms. Siew is not happy w me!

OI. GET LOST. GET OFF MY SCREEN.

Glam Queen : ha ha. need to go toilet. brb.


6 hours later..

Glam Queen : Grumpy!! bla bla bla bla bla bla *types and types and types*

*Shine picks up phone and dials extension*

Hi, I thought I would save your fingers from bleeding.

Glam Queen : Ahh!! Nice. My fingers are so painful and bleeding already?!

Really? Send me a pic. Let it be my joy. I promise I will frame it.

Glam Queen : HA HA. bla bla bla bla

Sure thang.

*Hangs up*

Peering at me across my cubicle, Abg Saad going... "Shine, do you have a knife?"

What?! A knife?

"Yes, I thought you used to be a killer? Where's your psychopath killing knife?"




If I have it, I would have slashed me. Not anyone else. Not even Glam Queen who is typing her fingers till they bleed. Unfortunately, she's typing them to me. And I have to respond. So she's not just putting her fingers at misery. Mine too.


And right about now, and the entire today, my fingers aren't the only thing bleeding. I could almost feel like Constantine sitting in his own pool of blood.

Time For Me To Stop

Time didn't change anything much. I found myself feeling familiar. I was that little girl of 19 crying in the staircase.

At my first hotel, the lounge is on the 19th floor. And the girls, after some verbal bashing for Stella in the AHU room, would be on the staircase in between 20th and 21st floor. 21st floor doesn't exist. But it was a staircase leading upstairs to the water tanks. And that, was where we all hid to cry.

And Stella always knew where to find us. She would scream from the staircase on the 19th floor. For us to stop feeling sorry for our sorry ass.

Stella was a pain. But after verbal bashings, she was always apologetic and never short of cookie supplies.

Right about now, the difference is, the location of which I find myself crying. This is a much bigger hotel. And there has been so many spots I found myself crying my eyes out. Empty offices, empty toilets, empty staircases. What else is new.

It is raining outside. And it's pouring. And I remember how it was like in my old lobby. At least I had children to call my own, and a lobby to call mine. Right about now and right about this moment, I don't know if I have anything to call my own. Okay. Wrong. Maybe that latte to go. That's mine. Maybe my watch, that's also mine.

The phones, no.

The Pod, no.

The office, no.

Time for me to stop. All I have been doing this morning was going, "What are you doing, Shine!! What are you doing?!"

I don't know how to answer that.

I don't want to go see Chairwoman. Or my new best friend. Chairwoman will think it's someone and my new best friend will think it's someone else. All the preassumptions.

I didn't help along the way. I couldn't be bothered to correct them. I couldn't be bothered to correct myself.

I am still stabbing myself. I am still doing whatever it is I am doing. I am still sitting at this desk. I am still pained. I am still broken. I am still here. I am still complaining. And I am not doing anything about it.

It's time to stop. Because I really don't know why and what I am doing to myself.



Stop feeling sorry for yourself. There's always Justin. There's always Jules.



Keep this weekend packed tight and spare no time for idle thoughts. Don't stay alone. Don't dwell in this. Don't pick up the phone and text.


Just stop.

As Good As It Gets

Kee has been planning this holiday since early Dec 2005. Today, we all received updates of her holiday of a week. She went to Macau and Hong Kong.

We've taken a step back for two years beginning April 2006. Of letting this.. career launch. And everything else takes a different platform. This was what we said we were gonna do. It's now August 2006. Only 4 months effort into working a career, and almost no effort in working the other fulltime job since March 2006.

People tell me that.. there's no such thing as "the right time". Nothing is ever considered a right time. Never is never a right time. Now is not a right time. As soon as, is not a right time. I guess.. there isn't a right time. But for 2006, it isn't the right time. But we did it anyway.

It was so much of getting into it blindly. It was so much heartache and frustrations, that I don't know why people do it.

For a narcissist, when is a right time a right time to compromise on individuality?

If this is as good as it gets, it needs to get better than trying to lighten the day by looking at someone else's holiday pictures.

Go outside. Breath the sky in. Take a walk. Find your little joy. Value this solitaire. Only you can give this to yourself.

If I text him now with a hint of grieve, I could predict the reply.

"Keep your chin up and keep smiling!"

Song Of The Year 2005

This, was Song Of The Year 2005. This is the second time I am posting this song on my blog.
It goes to show, there's really no running away from good MEAT. John Mayer, should be hung, shot, skinned, scalped and then douse in acid, left in the sun and then maybe then, left to die a torturous death.

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

Fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too 

Popping Up On Me

Was Chairwoman. I am so glad that she has decided to make Eve her stylist, after only one convincing trip from me. I love Eve. She's been the only one I let mess my hair up. I won't see Eve for a while now. I'm gonna let my hair grow. I haven't had the patience for it before. Hopefully I will now.

Vanity is still my favourite sin.

Chairwoman saw me walk pass the lobby with my usual, latte to go. And she popped out the side entrance, me with my George Michael Older album on play today, she had to go a loud, "HEY!!!" and I stopped short. I nearly dropped my coffee. There she was, standing right there, with her new hairstyle, cute as a button. I was yelling back. I had to take a picture.

I've always left it up to her. She's got a set of my office keys, my locker keys, my stuff. This morning, she opened my locker to get back her pair of shoes. And I bought her a set of necklace and bracelet. She hugged me this morning and thanked me. I was looking at her hair. And realise that Eve is really something.

I want to go visit Eve. I like walking out of Eve's looking like a million dollars.

But that will have to wait. Many things coming up this month. And starting the month being away and being weak with my still indulgence of expensive coffee from Planet, I will be very thin by the end of next week.

Bone bought her a new phone. It's the new walkman phone W810i by Sony E. We're both Sony E people. I held the phone in my hands and it's nice and black. Like my black. For a while, it has been, Bone always saying he was gonna get it for her. And he didn't. A year later, he did.

Well, that's better than a lot of us already.

I lost my phone last September. I still miss my Sony E. My chocolate bar phone. All of us had the same phone, for a while. Qert, Di, JL, me, WM, Jules. If all of us sat down at the same table and placed our phones on the table, we could have a mahjong game.

Well, if that phone wasn't lost, I wouldn't have my black today. I guess that was helping me move on.

A Really Bad Journal

This blog has been an absolute testimony on how my mind can take a vacation. Every 5 seconds.

Everything in 2005 screamed one thing. Okay, to be completely honest, two things. Work and.. pretty much.. one other person.

This year's blog, has had such a different turn. I almost couldn't figure out what happened along the way of Jan 2005, May 2005. I used to have so many wonderfuls. My De-Lovely album. Where is it now?! I don't even want to play it even with Alanis Morissette on it.

This, is a shit list. And I... can't take back what I've said before. And it's all right there. This is a really bad journal and I can't blink it away. And I don't want to. It was the crying in empty offices, it was the journey with my children, it was having Rooney for quiet talks, it was having crystals with the job, it was having text that reads "Keep your chin up and keep smiling", it was little simple things that seem so relevant to me. It's... all so me.


Define Everything.


I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

Frank

MEAT. The good thing about this inherited Pod is, it's not far from what I would have put in there myself. It's got Frank. What can I complain about?!~

This morning, I woke up and started playing Frank. That album I stole... That album with the cover that I keep reading over and over again. About The Man with The Voice.

And I remember The One who brought me back The Card of The Man with The Voice. Check posting 11 May 2005. This is the picture on The Card.

With moving offices, I don't even remember where this card is now. The card is blank and meant to be that way. With a quote on the back of the card, "The record shows I took the blows - and did it my way!"

Frank. This is Frank who makes me feel so young. Frank who makes me feel like spring has sprung. Frank.

I was listening to my Frank album in my room. I switched today. I decided I couldn't put up with more John. And so it was Frank keeping me company this morning. And the best thing was, I have this same Frank album on my inherited Pod. And I continued carrying my Frank feel-good onto a heavy traffic monorail and feeling a little sad at the fact that I don't have any, any, Alanis Morissette on this Pod. Everybody knows I sing to Alanis no matter where I am. Just like how I would be frowning when my angry song comes on.

I still can't decide if Alanis Morissette is good.. or bad for me.




But glad that I have the best of both extremes, which provides the best of both feelings. With everything.. it's so Horatio-like. I cannot decide if I love him or hate him more. But whatever it is, Frank and Alanis, is it.