The Farewell

We got together to have a farewell dinner for Boss. The usual suspects when it comes to the the flocking of Boss.

It feels so weird. I was the only girl in the crowd (Mrs. Boss late,many much work) And everybody knows Qert, Jin and Boss doesn't treat me like a girl. I'm just another one of them.

I remember having dinner with Boss, the day he packed all his stuff and walked out of my lobby with an intact frown on his face. That was July 2005. I called that The Last Dinner. Yet on that Friday night, we were sitting down, laughing, joking, moving on...

Qert moved on, Jin moved on, Boss moving on, and look at me. I'm the only consistent face of this thousand-tonne baby.

I hope Steve knows what he's in for. Boss is not going to be easy. I've always believed that familiarity breeds contempt. I hope Steve knows how to work around Boss. Coz I'm not going to be there to hold his hands and knowing Boss, he's not going to give a rat's ass that my husband is my husband.

We all learn things the difficult way. There is only so much you can learn from someone's advise and teaching. If you don't do it and know it for yourself.... *shrug*

Friday night was a disappointment for me. I tried and did everything I could to salvage the entire Friday after a horrible beginning of the morning...

I will never want to go home again with puffy eyes and red nose. Regardless if I have a husband or don't.

Laundered Money

An entire new meaning to laundered money...

This is how the laundered money looked like after I casually told my mom there's money in my jeans that she has just washed for me... She retrieved the money and it was sitting on the dining table, going to be money to buy dinner.

So now, clean money!

Cover Versions..

Copy of the original.

As I listen to INXS' Hot Girls, it sure does reminds me of Duran Duran's Wild Boys.
This is the part where I have a frown on my face. No, I don't know Duran Duran and no, I don't know INXS. Well - INXS was part of the education I got from mentor.

They say immitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

When mentor gave me the CD of INXS' Switch.. Man, that was flattery. It was done up so beautifully.

And then John Mayer does Ray Charles' I Got A Woman. (John sucked at it!) If he was trying to flatter Ray, forget it.

And then John does Jimi! I wish he'd just stop. He is not a cover person. Leave that to Westlife and all those boys!

Of course as I write this, I have to be honest and say, I don't know Ray, I don't know Jimi and I sure as hell don't know Duran Duran or why I think John Taylor is so good looking.

Waaaaay before my time, people. :D

Colour Me Badd

Oh my.

It's been ages since I've said those words and think about their songs! Okay, ONE song. I Wanna Sex You Up.

I think I was 12. Ha ha ha...

I took a simple test to find out what "colour" a person I am. Behold the results!

Shine, your true color is Orange!

You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates astrong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person.

If Russell Peters can make you laugh....

Merv, I hope you're reading this. Get some help. Prozac is not the answer.

"With insomnia nothing's real; everything's far away. A copy of a copy of a copy"

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

Actually, I am not. I am Jack's sleep disorder.

I'm blog-dicted. I think many of my readers know that. And many of them are always pestered by me to keep updating their blog.

Fellow blogger, Merv, has just posted his distressed elusive sleep for the past 3 weeks. I guess what you read, you bring with you. Kinda like me. The last song I hear at night, will be the song I will be humming to myself. Last night, it was Robbie's Let Love Be Your Energy. (Don't ask. The shuffle-mode works in mysterious ways)

I met my favourite couple last night for quick rides in the lift and short chat of music. They enjoy music. And I showed them that I carry my Pod with me everywhere because music is what sustains me. Mrs. asked me what kind of music I listen to and she said I should update myself and she has some Rasmus and Will Young if I'd like to loan it for the weekend.

*Desperate*

Qert lost iTunes on his lappy. I couldn't even upload the theme to Top Gun!

And the I's are un-dotted and T's un-crossed

Is how I make 4 postings a day.

I get called away, I get pulled away, I get dragged away, I get to attend to everything except the everything I want to attend.

I didn't even finish the list of everything that went gone with the wind!

My shuffle-mode miniature Pod is playing The Cure's Why Can't I Be You. Slap me with a splintered ruler! Yeah, come here let me clip your wings.

The German stopped by today to catch me for a quick update, he just gotback into town. Caught a cold and brought it with him to see me (cute)

Nothing's changed. I still don't get to watch my CSIs. I still don't get to make time out for dinner. I still don't get to let my hair down and go party. I still don't get to let go of this thousand-tonne baby.

In many ways, I find myself blessed. Although I don't know why as I talkedto The German more and more, I almost crystalised. Almost. As we talkedmore about wearing this pin, he assured me that I will find more joy without.

Oh.. Cut, take two!

This is my list of everything that was gone with the wind.

• Triple shot grande latte. -[poof]- within the hour
• Feel good of my shuffle-mode miniature Pod when I got into the office to drop by despatch bag and JL said, "Pls change, I want to talk to you." DOH. He think I'm gonna come to work dressed as a bag lady?
• He talked to me. Talked so much that The German finished his 5-ringgit soft drink and had to order another one.
• Tiredness. What tiredness?!
• My next off day. I didn't realise we haven't talked about this, considering that I get talked to so much.

Gone With The Wind

Everybody who knows me, knows I'm a Casablanca person and not a Gone With The Wind person.

A few things that happened today was a situation of being gone with the wind. No doubt it was not only metaphoric, it was also literal.

I mean, Scarlett is a scheming bitch. Ilsa, she's ... she's... she's perfect. And Victor.. sigh.. Like Rick said, "Everybody try, you succeed".

Rhett, what kinda name is Rhett?

These R The Thoughts

... Is a song from Alanis' Unplugged Album.

One of which I also corrupted Qert's laptop with.It wasn't until yesterday when I texted him to ask for permission to breakin to this office to use his lap, that he told me he is no longer in that office I used to break in to. What a way to break me the news. Of course Jason knew before I did and of course, everybody knew before I did! Maybe there is one person who didn't know before I did. Chairwoman. Who is on graveyard shift. Both Jason and Qert keep pointing out the same thing to me. They said,"But he is closer to you now!"No. That is not the point. The point is, taking a walk to the make-shift office visiting Qert's my-office-is-next-to-the-loo actually is a mind vacation for me. Why do you think I lasted 2 years plus in an office onthe 6th floor even when I was chained to my desk?! The poolside was a breather, the view of the gym was a teaser! Qert said, "Oh, now we can regularly go to Gourmet and you can have your drink from Mama Intan!" No. That is not the point. Stop trying to talk points into me because that is NOT the point.

Stupid is as stupid does

I remember that conversation with my trusted No. 2.. when she asked me about my NY resolution. And I said I wanted to be a stronger person without drugs.

And she said, her NY resolution was, not to do anymore stupid things.

There is no such things as stupid things. When I heard that, I said to her, "Make another resolution. There is no such things as not doing stupid things. You can be 40 and still be doing stupid things."

That is not a valid resolution. I still do stupid things. I still succumb to stupid things.

Things are not stupid stupid if it's your priority and if it's important to you. Things are not stupid just because something thinks it is stupid. Things are not stupid if you stand by it and believe it.

Why did I even bother to care...?

I know there's been times I get so emotional and what I thought mattered, didn't. And what I thought was important, wasn't. What I thought was worth it, wasn't.

After that episode in my lobby due to conflicting priorities and loyalties, I realise that it takes a leader to rise above it. I need to be that person. If my ears were to get hot to each and every complaint I heard of myself, then I better introduce myself to a hole. It takes a strong leader to rise above it and use this encounter as a learning experience

Which part did I EVER thought you cared?

It's my mistake. I actually think no one cares.

It is to questions like this that H would answer, "Not true. Almost no one".

When H said that, I didn't know how to react. This was the episode of missing Consuela and the tennis coach. When H said that, I actually felthopeless. But when the camera shot that scene with his side profile, wearing those Horatio sunglasses, I could only melt.

You know the loves of my life. Horatio, and my mentor. True, sincere, unconditional love. Simply because I know I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. And it is thru every fibre of my being. It's that imple and uncompromising.

Countdown

In about 10 days, I will be binded with a lifetime contract.

I don't know what to say next. I can say a million things, but when I get to this subject... I don't know what to say next.

What do you say?
You're the best platform from which to jump beyond myself, what was wrong with me?

What do you feel?
I've been wanting your undivided attention, I like the fact that you're nothing like me.

What should you say?
You know how much you loved to be in front of audiences.

Alanis says it best...

Move over, move closer

That was how I felt about knowing when Qert moved closer.

Everybody knew. Jason knew, Jin wannabe-dorg-next-life knew, everybody. Except me.

For iconic pictures, I don't know how.

Broken

That was the condition I found Qert in this morning. Almost like my everyday. But with Qert it is just different. He is not that way, it is not him. It is not the Qert I know.

This was a shadow of the person who replied my text, "Coz you're the best at it"

When I said, "WHY do I keep doing this job??!!"

This was not the same person who said, "I don't know where you get this energy from. Whatever it is, don't stop!"

This is not the same person who bought me a giant Easter egg just so I can smash it and have a smile on my face.

I truly understand how you felt. This morning. I know that look. I know that face.

You need a good session and some cheering from MMC.

AWOL

It is not a movie. It is not a Van Damme movie. (Oh well, at least not in my case)

I know I am going to come back to office today not being the most welcomed or liked person by JL. What am I insinuating that it is not official leave? I have two days off by the panel doctor.

It wasn't because I was feeling like Tyler Durdan that I am given the day off. I wasn't treated with more Xanax, I wasn't treated with more Happy Pills. I was just asked to rest.

Rest.

Peacefull, deserved rest.

That is my favourite four letter word, for now....

I am Jack's raging bile duct

Here's my finger to you.

Here is also my salute to you in being able to do that thing you do. Posting pictures, using words along the likes of "delicious drinks, delectable canapes and delightful music" - who I think has been watching too much De-Lovely.

Monkey see monkey do.

I promise I will post an iconic picture to describe the day... But how and what picture do I take to represent me wanting to tear my heart out and watch myself bleed to death?

As you can see from the title... I am feeling very Tyler Durdan today.

Why do I feel such pain...?

Why do I feel such pain like my soul has been detached from my body?

Yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before the day before yesterday... All I wanted to do was tear my heart out and see myself bleed to death.

Is it not enough to see everybody buying flowers for some respective somebody? Is it not enough that the rest of us work for a living so that all these everybody and somebody could have their time with their special somebody?

Yet here, I am whining and complaining about this hostility industry.

Point taken. I am at my desk late in the evening having tears in my eyes because I have been abused at work by work. This has got to stop.

All these, burning bridges and all that jazz, has got to stop.

Valentine's Day Entry

You see, I frequest Starbucks for an anchoring triple shot grande latte every morning. Yesterday, I went there briefly for a seat on The Couch and received a double shot tall latte from my favourite Barista,Tim.

Last night, I had difficulties sleeping. I took my first downer of 2006.It was 1.30 am and I couldn't sleep. Steve has been soundly asleep since 1.00 am. I could hear his steady breathing, no talk... He must be really really tired.

I crept up, got my downers from my handbag and took 1 pill. Then waited patiently for the effect to kick in...If Boss ever finds out about this, he will kick my ass to Pluto andback. Well, if he kicks my ass, that means he cares. But if he gives me his signature frown, then I'm doomed to oblivious. He will never speak to me again.

I remember last Valentine's Day. It is mostly because I have a blog entry to remind me. But it was good... This Valentine's it also rained. And I am also still kept indoors. I am at work.

Happy Valentine's Day, management team. It was a good lunch location, with a good spread. Here's the hoping there will be good and better ones.

Transparent!

I'm as transparent as the ideal-cut diamond. You can see it on my face.

Today, I realised why I am a recipient of the Academy Awards.

Chris-noone-sits-besides-me-and-doesn't-drink said, "I guess you're sitting down here fora chat with me because he is not in town?"

That shocked me.

What's this whole married men thing? What is this V Day thing? What is this entire nonsense?

See, the thing is, I didn't know he wasn't in town. The second thing is, I didn't know Chris-noone-sits-besides-me-and-doesn't-drink also saw me as the puppy. This exact moment that everything I learnt from Bree came to use. I would like to do my, "I'd like to thank The Academy" speech.

I smiled and did the scene of "So I chaffed them and I gave a laugh" part. Heh. Not very original. But hey... this world is my stage.

We'll see how much an Academy Awards winner you are when that happens to you.

Birthdays...

Happy Birthday, Qert. You came a long way. You've finally grown up. I remember last year, when we went to visit Boss... We had this conversation in the car about family and marriage and children. I am so proud of you. Especially when you kept that Johnny Bravo hairstyle even when we were all rotf laughing. You've done it.
Why is everyone's birthday in February? The laydee who thinks she is God's right hand has her birthday the same day as Qert. Scary to think.

Happy Birthday to you too. I'm sorry I keep disappointing you. Because I keep disappointing me. What am I doing to myself? I've been crying at my desk for 2 consecutive days and I am so emotionally battered that I didn't realise how I got myself here. What are you? Why do you shortchange yourself? There will be people that are untouchable. Untouchable is the word I would use to describe this subject, in these context. Untouchable. And I wonder why I lingered so long to find out about that.

I will never ever get it. I've used so many adjectives to describe it and yet I never reflected on the adjective people describe me on this subject. I look like a lost forlorned puppy. And at every encounter, I end up cystalising... or having a headache. Shine, Boss said WAKE UP. And you said you did. Doesn't the triple shot grande latte help you at one bit? Maybe you should order the quad shot instead.

Be strong. Keep your chin up and keep smiling. You gotta respect yourself first. Remember that the registration is your priority.

I've had enough of this heartaches.

There, I'm going to say it again. I've had enough of these heartaches.

I know my mentor said if I am not in this person's mercy, I will be at someone elses' mercy. It's the same. As long as I have a job, I will never have what is really important to me.

I had an amazing morning yesterday. And we went to a house warming and was totally blown away by the size and the fact that someone so close to our hearts actually owns RM 7 mil-dollar houses. :)


I'm sick and tired of sitting at my desk crying. I know the marriage is important. That's the most important part and I should not be concerned about the fact that the leave is not approved yet and bblah bblah bblah..

I should focus on the solution, not the problem.

Just because the leave is not approved doesn't mean the wedding is not on!

From hero to zero!

I sat down today with Chris-noone-sits-beside-me-and-doesn't-drink briefly at the deli and he asked me, "What's on your mind?"

I said, "What happened?"

I had this really faraway look on my face that he could not fathom and I could only imagine what my face looked like.

I was thinking.... "What happened? How did my hero go to zero?"

I'm certain some people who knows how highly I think of my hero knows only that he is my hero and they do not hold him in such regards. They only call him my hero, they don't call him their hero.

They must be shaking their heads looking at me and think, "There that poor cookoo girl goes... What's wrong with her head to think he is on her side?"

So this is what it is, I've gone to the otherside!

Continued

But yeah, I guess we just have all these pent-up frustrations about how things are and how they should be.Why did he spend ike half an hour to convince me and sang compliments about how I am a care-giver? What is his purpose? What is his motive? What does he want?

He wants me exactly where I am.

It's time to move on, Shine. And when Boss said, "Wake Up!" yesterday, you finally did, didn't you?

And of course...

All good things come to an end.

The three of us finally sat down and had tea together. It took us like what? Half a year to get together for tea again. I know the management teams has broken up so much since Qert went back to be the Mayat and Boss went back to be the frowning menace in the Hill of Stars... And me, still there. Exactly where I was when I was first place with these team players.

I am exactly where my hero needs me. What turned him into my hero in the beginning? Oh yeah, I wanted him to remind me of my priorities, to clear my perspective. Now what was I thinking going to him to tell me who me is. Uniqueness, "no one gives a rat's ass..." There, he's said it more than once.

How come I just never see it? It's a pattern. He may not have a mind of his own. Brilliant, but recycled. Same thing mentioned by Big Boss in counsel and he repeated it the same day to a different crowd. May not prove to be a very intelligent display for someone who sat through both in formation.

It happens again...

It is always the same. There is always a pattern. First China Yankee was "almost there" and then he turned to the lowliest bits of nothing.

Over the CNY we went over to Jin-I-wanna-be-dorg-next-life's parents place for house visiting. The same group as last year went, minus Jennie-I-only-wear-jeans. Only coz she was on leave. Not anything else. Oh boy did we miss her while we were in the car. She provided so much padding in the back seat. With Jason making swift lefts and rights, the Chairwoman and I just staring at each other, steadily in our seats.

I updated Jin about China Yankee and what he did next. Jin said everything is karmic. (or maybe my sister said that) But I know Jin meant something to that effect.

Jin said, "The next time you are in conversation with him, you may want to say, "You know what you did to me wasn't very nice. About 20 people read the kind of messages you sent to me since the beginning""

I wasn't about to say something like that to him. If I can help it I don't want to say anything to him or have a conversation with him.

Who would have thought...

Who would have thought that the person so profound came to see me in my lobby for 30 seconds and left me speechless and calling up my mentor to decipher the meaning.

Who would have thought upon seeing me the first thing he said was, "Ahh... Now that's the lady I was looking for!"


Who is he talking about LAYDEE. What is he talking about he was looking for.

Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into my Lobby. There are 2 other Lobb"ies" worth walking into and more than enough infantry for him to hurl to oblivious, he choose to do it today, to me.

My choice of a hero. Not too bad, huh?

It's like a case of Murphies all over again. Captured in only about 4 sentences completed within 30 seconds.

"You know the thing we talked about... I have more than enough people to run it right now. But I want you to know that I have not forgotten about you and what we spoke about."

He turned to walk out of the lobby.

"You are still on top of my head!"

He looked back and smiled his cynical, squinting smile and walked away.

Happy NY

I'm sorry to disappoint you.