On-going joke...

Let me just be totally honest... This whole thing feels like a joke. It's just not funny anymore. Everytime something happens, it's like it's jinx. My Boss is jinxed, I'm jinxed. Even back in FO of RCKL when I worked briefly with my Boss then, I spoke to him about being "jinxed". He then explained to me what it means being jinxed.

We're back here again, today, like we're jinxed. Okay, not us. The building. It's one thing after another for our operations to jam up like that. Today was the last straw. Yes, life's not fair.

First, people leave sensitive information lying around and next, being the curious person I am, how can I resist these kinda temptation?

Second, my lobby was flooded with loud speaking people and my phone lines jammed and my lift stopped and so many things was happening at the same time, I felt like I was slapped left, right, up, down, front, back, above, below... Sigh...

And furthermore, the guy blamed my girl for a faulty line. He said she kicked the connection on the socket. And that got to me. That was it. It was my mistake, my error, my fault! I totally blew my top when I focused on the problem and not the solution. I yelled back at him saying as if we were new born babies with nothing better to do than to disturb connections on the sockets.

There were a total of 20 people in my lobby at the same time. All speaking at the same time. It felt as it the building was going to come down on me. At that particular time, my favourite couple, called my mobile to say the lift isn' working. (Of course the lift isn't working... AGAIN)

I said to him, "You hear the commotion around me? These people are trying to bring the building down, with you in it!!"

He responded with well-oiled Brit humour. He laughed.

Yes, silly little sod... me... I try to laugh everything off. But having that amount of noise in the lobby was final. My pure, pristine, undisturbed lobby, now the "usual suspects" have tainted that with intollerable volume of tongue wagging and with smell of excessive perspiration.

I had a quiche and went back to work.... after the ordeal was over. About after an hour or so... Sigh...

If you know how much I'm being paid to do this job, you will think I'm joking. I'm not. I'm serious about my work and I don't need to lie about my pay. Keeping your salary a secret is a myth. It doesn't work that way anymore.

So much for being around for 14 hours a day. We are all human and is working for money. At the end of the month, we (oh, well, I mean, I) only want to see some monetary amount. Some kinda satisfaction.... Even if I know I don't have the time to go shopping or to spend any bit of it, it's still something and I can write a bigger cheque for Mother's Day or Father's Day.

It's been an amazing journey and I've learnt a lot. I really cannot complain much more... I rest my case.

Melly is on marriage leave and will be back on Friday. Thankfully it is my day off on Friday. TGIF.

I cannot take this 14 hrs shift everyday any longer. I have Friday to look forward to... Remind me that, I forget sometimes....

I'm still not over the fact that I have missed out on F1 weekend, that I totally forgot it was F1 weekend. No wonder Kimi's car tyre blew.. I wasn't praying and hoping for his victory. He didn't feel me there.... (heh)

"Keep your chin up and keep smiling"

Cold & Miserable...

My lobby has been cold and immensely empty. The same adjectives I would use to describe my life. My daily life, my routine.

My job has provided me sustenance. Is sustenance enough to keep me warm in this vast, massive space and "chilliness"? It's been a tiring week and I've gone home with nothing but a tired mind, even more tired feet and a broken spirit that needs to be renewed daily...

I've been going home to me, myself and I. The room mate's been on afternoon shift the entire month and will finally get back to day shift tomorrow onwards. You know what that means? It means that I will see more of him at home. I guarantee you I will get tired and with my state of fatigue and unrest, I will be picking fights.

I don't have the patience anymore to be nice, to be putting in the effort to make this work. Since this job, I've felt like I don't need a boyfriend. Like I don't need anyone.

I sent out an sms to Baby that reads, "On days like this, I know I don't need anyone." Days where I feel so self-sufficient, so busy, so all-important. When things needs me, when I feel the burden on my shoulders. When I am doing what I am paid to do....

When I'm missing out on a weekend gathering with the girls, when I'm missing out on F1 weekend, when I'm missing out on dinner with my parents, when I'm missing out on a day off, when I'm missing out on spending time with dad....

Why the heck am I choosing the job over everything else?!

It's been too long...

It's been too long since my last posting. I know I've neglected this chore but if I tell you the whole and entire story, your heart will go out to me.

Today is Steve's birthday. I've been feeling a little let down with the fact that I couldn't go home to see dad and the getaway trip we planned, did not materialise.

Shangri-La Putrajaya, my favourite so-called out-of-town getaway... Now I'm looking at a bleek 10 consecutive days of working as my leave has been cancelled and I couldn't even get the day off on Steve's birthday. I won't see a day off until Saturday 4th June. I look forward to that Saturday.

Between now till then, it will be just me and Boss... So I know it's going to be a tough 10 days to handle. I wish I am stronger, even if it is just for Boss.

Steve went home to see dad anyway and for the last 3 nights I have been staying in the building where I work. Not by my own choice, but it was a good decision. I've never seen or expected the product I represent to give way the way it did. I guess everything is a learning thing for the past long weekend. If I were to write my weekend MOD report, it would have gone on for pages. Hilariouis and unbelievable.

It was also F1 weekend. Monaco, my favourite track. I couldn't catch it because I gave up Kimi and F1 for my other priority, my top priority. I feel like I'm betraying what I am, it honestly hurts but what can I do? I am where I am, by my own choice. I'm at the best platform from which to jump beyond myself.

I don't know what else to say in here that I haven't already. Too many things happened, too many things that I do not want to recount. I hate me for the choices I make.

The End...

Today, like every other Monday, was difficult to take on. A case of biting off more than you can chew. I have always known time was a luxury I do not have.

This morning was difficult to begin and even more difficult to take in. I had the weight of the building on my shoulders as it dawned on me that it's my ass on the line. (Of course I know that already, but today I was just suffocated with that knowledge)

By 12 noon, I was ready to jump off the window of the 26th floor. I called Chairwoman to inform her of my decisions. I have thought about my mom, Steve's dad, Steve, work and everything relevant. I know I am courageous enough today to jump. I know and have felt the impact of the fall and instinctively know that I am ready.

I wrote my "I'm sorry" note and said solemnly to my coordinator that I'm sorry. Honest and sincerely mean it.

Chairwoman suggested that I should take a break and have lunch. She has news to share. I know it was going to be worth the wait, the jump will have to wait.

We had lunch at the usual place and when we were having conversations about how God has chartered this path for us and we just walk it to His course and His intentions. While at it, we play by His rules and people who doesn't, gets a day like mine. I know I have seriously screwed this up. I know I have done wrong and I repent. I asked quietly that He does not punish me heavily and I know I deserve it, but I am still a God-fearing creature.

After lunch, we went the usual route. We witnessed the aftermath of a person's fall. Smack in front of our faces. Chairwoman wanted to throw up and I wanted to go down on my knees and thank Him for sending me a message. I need to be more receptive to His wants and wishes. I know I have been wrong and I asked Him for forgiveness.

This lesson that God taught us during our lunch hour has stopped any further suicidal thoughts from me. It's my ass on the line and it's me who will save it. If I just stay in this self-pity and keep digging my own grave, I will end up in it... alone.

So it's time to get off the mode of me bashing myself up. I need to take some actions and it has to be quick.

The end is not near and I am still here. I received an sms from Chairwoman later when I asked her how has her day been and if she's still riled up like I was. She replied : Still standing!

That was motivation for me, that I have to keep reminding myself and the people around me that we're still here and we're still standing! We are still here!

So my leave has been cancelled, I've been looking forward to spending a few quiet days with my father-in-law and just let him love me like he does. It's one of those days when I feel like the comfort of my mom's lap was all it takes to take all these worries and pressure away.

The hardest part about it is to let my father-in-law know that again, I am not able to make it home to see him. It's been half a year. At first he was happy with my promotion, now he's just not reacting to me very well. This kind and gentle old man must think that I have my priorities upside down. Being a career-minded person he was before he retired, I hope that he understands my situation and that I would have given up this job to spend a week with him.

I have to be strong and I have to first start with myself.

It was like having crystals in my eyes when I spoke to JC on the phone for a minute before he flew away.

3 minutes was all I gave to a person I will never see for a year. I know he valued all full 3 minutes of it. And he would have been the most devastated person if I did jump off 26th floor. I could feel his pain, that's an amazing self-discovery.

This person loves me as much as I love me. Could you believe that possible?

I'm still standing...

Going away...

I've always known for the last month or so that JC was going to be flying away. Today I received confirmation of his departure via sms. The truth didn't hit me any harder than the fact that this consistent and persistent person is finally going away. This attention and this last bit of resort is all going away.

Shine who wants to be oily will be oily alone. Shine who was hungry will be hungry alone. Shine who wanted cheese has no one who will be cheesy to her.

Well, call it an extended "see you later". I know I will.

If I know JC the way I know JC, by hook or by crook he will make it to see me. No matter what, no matter how. If he wanted to see me, he will find his means and do that.

That has been how reliable JC's been in my life. Always consistently proving himself, when he knows it's not going to do either of us any good. And that's my heart going out to him, when he knows he's leaving and he still tries.

It has been a sure-thing that JC has managed to bring tears to my eys because of his actions, goes straight to here. (Shine points to her heart) Time after time...

I know this entry is going to be absolutely heart-wrenching for JC to read, but I just wanted you to know that it's how it's been for me too. It's not easy for me to say goodbye. So let's just leave it as that.

And don't feel like Rick standing on a station platform with a comical look on his face because his insides has been kicked out. Don't feel that way, because you didn't have that unused ticket meant for Ilsa.

Take care of yourself and be good. Text me once in a while and read my blog. I wish I could leave this place. I would stop having sleepless nights and nightmares of my Boss or work. There's been times I'm tempted to take the coward's way out but I know I'm a stronger and better person that that.

Be good.

Even beans do it...

Let's Do It.

I was listening to the De-Lovely album on the way to work. There's nothing like associating that album with a touch of magic. Steve did the sweetest thing in getting me that album. Listening to it on the way to work with him sort of bring that that loving feeling.

Besides the fact that before I left the house, I put on his cologne, wanting to smell like him for the rest of the day. (Thinking about the thoughts this morning, I feel dizzy with love already)

And the fact before that, we had some little "breakfast". Heh.

All in all, it is safe to say I've had a good start to the morning. I "fed" Steve and I went to work with Steve and had breakfast with Steve and Qert.

I know the day wasn't gonna go so well, Melly is on his day off today, so I would end up being the underliner for a lot of Boss' running around. It also doesn't feel very much better that Melly is away when we have Operations meeting.

I'm still thinking what should I do and why am I still here. Then again, I've got tomorrow to look forward to.

Friday the 13th. It is going to be special... Steve and I are having the same day off (WOW! Yes, once in a blue moon) Tomorrow, we're gonna make the most out of it. I'm gonna wake him up bright early in the morning and do more. DVDs, grocery shopping, holding hands, the whole relationship thingy. That's tomorrow. Just thinking of it makes me want tomorrow to come around so fast. :D

It doesn't matter what happened last night, doesn't matter what happens tonight, one thing I know is tomorrow is gonna happen.

The heck with the tour that included the Lady In Red, she doesn't get to me. I've got my man and I've got my Friday with my man. I love him, and I love me.

First or Last

It is not my first, or my last First Class card ever. I have a few momentos that I keep to motivate me. For example, a card brought back all the way from Germany of The Man with The Voice. I love Frank. Thank You for an amazing gift and you are an amazing person.

Today, I am stuck with another headache. Everyday is a new headache for me. Everyday is a new challenge for me. So much so that I am grinning from ear to ear. When life slams you down, you grin. :D

I received a long email this morning, it got me thinking. It got me counting my blessings, and this person counting the days. Yes, days like those were few. But they were good. Thank you for being a part of my life when everything else was void. Thank you for being my conscience and the better in everything I was doing.

Thank you Qert for sending me home in style last night, when I have already missed out on Mac. I know I will miss out on Grissom again tonight. I know it.

There are days when you wake up at the wrong side of the bed, it is not the first, or the last. There will be days like that again, as certain as the mamak stall is a mamak stall. A year will pass on really quick. A quarter of the year has passed on really quick. Everything has been a blur for me. I've either still have brain freeze from this cold and freezing job that I have, or I've just gone numb.

Today I had coffee with a friend from the past, German as ever and still wittingly amusing. (I'm not kidding)

He said a few things and we shared some horror jokes of the industry. It was very flattering that he did drop by to see the 'deli' and said hi. Also sent me hilarious text message after I left the 'deli'.

There are so many things to keep me here, and so many things I want to leave behind. Part of it is, did I realise 5 years have gone by? What have I done? What did I do? I'm in the same environment and yet a totally different feel. I guess I am just not that same young and impressionable wide-eyed girl I was. Well, I know I am definately not young no more... But I have definately lost my sense of humour and replaced it with cynicsm and sarcasm.

I wish I was fun. I wish I had something to tell people, like where I hang out. (besides Cesar 1) The German got me thinking, there's really nothing proud of me to say about me, is there? I should play as hard as I work. But I feel so old at heart already.

Shine... Shine... Whatever happened to "play that keeps us sane"? Whatever happened to "religion that provides inner strength"? Whatever happened to "family with whom we justify our sole existance"? It has all been gobbled up by "work that provides sustenence".

When I leave this world, come see me with white lillies and make sure no one put words on my tombstone that said "She Lived For Work And Then She Died".

I count my blessings everyday. Rest assured you are all kept in my prayers. I know I have friends of few, but good ones.

Thank You.

Nonchalantly Shine....

Hah, does that work? Maybe, maybe not.

I've had that attitude on since the first light of Monday morning.

It was a good working Sunday. I put in 100% and left in time to catch the race. Almost fell asleep in front of the tv. Kimi was leading, by 25 ms. Do I really want to bother? Heh. I fell asleep off and on during the race. The Red Menace was not a menace, so it was okay to fall asleep. :D

I had 3 coffees before 12 noon on Monday. And I stil didn't feel any better. It was as if I am walking in a daze. I know every Monday is that way, but I started Monday wrongly. I gave Boss a stupid answer and it was the first response that came into my head. I didn't think. It was indeed my fault. How do I even begin to forgive myself. It was only Monday morning and I've shot myself in the foot.

The only consolation I had was lunch companion proved to be an amazing company and it certainly did help lighten my Monday and sharpen my social skills. It's not everyday that I will have this kinda companionship for lunch. It is simply outstanding! For the 2 years that I have worked in the company of having this person as a so-called "Boss", I've never had the pleasure of his company for lunch. I have to count my blessings.

You Are Truly First Class!

You Are Truly First Class!

That's what it says on the First Class Card I received on Saturday.

It reads :
"Thank you for your positive energy, great leadership, and being a mom for your L&Gs. You prove that you do not have to be physically in RCKL to be an ambassador for us. Please keep up your great work, being the best and allow yourself & your L&Gs to shine alongside you."

It was a pat on the back someone gave to me, an a momento I share with my "children".

It was supposed to be something that helps motivate me and my team. And you know what, it is just another piece of paper. It didn't mean a thing beyond that. I didn't even go home to flash it to my mom or anything...


Life is such...

Dreams...

Dreams are very funny things... I had a dream about JC last night.

He was this hit icon on MTV. It was in a lounge environment, JC hanging with his friends, watching his interview on MTV, laughing with his friends... Dressed up to the 9s and 6es...

This reminds me of the song Sk8ter Boi.

Do I have dreams of JC because he's going away? I sent him a text message this morning and till now there has been no reply. It is so out of character for JC. I feel a little strange.

So, it's that and I didn't pursue it. I remember the conversations we used to have. Let's just say you will be missed.

Not everyday is Sunday...

Not every Sunday is Mother's Day. Not every Mother's Day is F1 race day.

So... when I was having a conversation with Boss this afternoon, I said... "I've got to go back by 7.30 pm on Sunday." He replied, "Oh, Mother's Day, right?" I answered... (please don't tell my mom I said this) "No, it's Race Day. My mom's always here, F1 race day is not always here".

Slap me. I know I deserve it. I feel like kicking myself in the arse for saying it. (Now, I honestly think that was a stupid thing to say)

When has it been that f1 topped my mom? Is it because I am a little "screwed" that I have jumbled up my priorities? That I have stupidly say things without using my brains?

Don't get here, where ever I am. Don't. I want nothing more than to go home and cry on my mom's lap right now. There's nothing I would want more. There's nothing like a good conversation with my mom. Like yesterday, my day off...

I spent the afternoon walking in the sun with my mom, and had chicken rice. Then ice cream for dessert... My favourite heart-melting Sundae cone from Mickey Ds.

I love my mom. To the ends of the Earth, I will do my best and love her the best way I can show how.

My mom teaches at the kindy in the morning. She was talking to me about the children she surrounds herself with. Here I was playing with the idea that I should get her half a dozen or so. She would love them, like how I would love them.

I said to her, "You know mom, you didn't do such a bad job with us. You raised us good..."

She shrugged.

That conversation brought tears to my eyes. Because I still remember when I was 18 years old, I said a lot of mean and hurtful things to her. She hit me when I was being rude to her then. I just stood there defiantly and let her. She cried over this child she had. This one, this same one sitting opposite her having chicken rice together.

There are things I cannot, can never, forgive myself of the things I said to her. It's like cutting myself with a kitchen knife. I couldn't believe I was that person I was, when I was 18.

1998 was a cruel year for me. It was a horrible year for me. Lots of good things happened, some bad things happened. Some events that totally changed my life. And moulded me into the person I am today. I'm not very proud of what I did when I was 18. I don't keep college friends, because I don't like it that they remember me as the person I was. Remember the me now, remember the me a few years back. Don't remember the 18-year-old Shine.

I pray everynight that my mom would forgive and forget that 18-year-old Shine who brought such pain to her everynight. Who brought such worries to her when I do not come home at night. If I could heal all those, I would.

I love my mom and all I could do this Mother's Day was write her a cheque. I couldn't even take her out to dinner because I'll be stuck at work.

My mom's an amazing person who bought me tube tops when I was 21. Who joined me for mamak sessions late at night, who lepaks with me in Coffee Bean and still lovingly strokes my hair and occasionally come into my room at night to make sure I have my blanket on.

I believe that I would make a very good mother. I have a very good mother.

I know I may not have turned out what she wanted me to be (a tour guide!) But I take tours on a daily basis of this property enough to qualify as a tour guide, don't I?

My mom hates my job, it keeps me away from dining at home. It keeps me away from CSIs, it keeps me away from F1 weekends. Coz when I don't get any of these, I sulk and start calling her "Mother". That's how she knows I'm annoyed about one thing or another. (Heh)

Let's remember our mothers this Mother's Day and keep her in our prayers every night. I know I'm lucky to still go home to her, my best friend isn't so lucky. I am so sorry for your loss, Haze... My heart goes out to you....

I love you, mom.

Wtf!

I love the me that could get people smiling.

I love the me that could brighten people's day.

I love the me that could grin and be such a dear when I am the butt of the joke.

I love the me who is emotionally strong.

I miss the me who is emotionally strong.

"I've never known you that way before."
Someone said that to me after reading my previous post. It's true, I don't know me that way before. I feel like I'm a teenager, all confused and worked-up over some trivial issue and letting it get in my way of being that productive person I was.

"It must really impact you a lot."
Yes, it did. It still does. I don't know why but I must be one of those people who just keeps doing "it" until they find out what "it" is and then stop doing "it".

Thank you for making me laugh. I was trying desperately to stay sane and keep my head above waters today. And you did that for me. The laugh was good for me. The chat was helpful. I should start my day that way instead of having it boost the evenings I don't intend to stay in long...

It's my day off tomorrow... I hope to get some good rest.

I am still not over the cheek of the boy who did this to me. I reckon it will take me a week. I promise I will be back. I will be back.

I really did it again!

Remember I said in an earlier post last month or so that I should practice Ignorance Is Bliss?
Well, last night I called Chairwoman for a little catch up over the society in which Chairwoman chairs... Little did I expect to hear what I indeed heard.

The tears that has welled up, amounting to what emotional trash I have, gushed out of my eyes unabashedly. I couldn't believe that such information could move me. But it did.

Chairwoman on the other end of the line so totally did not expect me to react the way I did. Neither did I. I was not ashamed of it. It was true, I am not hiding these emotions that overwhelmed me. I wanted to believe, and there, I had the basis of truth which my being craved for.

It haunted me for the rest of the night. I went to sleep with a headache and woke up with it.

I silently cursed myself for being receptive, for being the one who couldn't handle it.

I have the pants around my ankles and it is time for me to wear it. If no one else would, I will be the bigger person in overlooking this matter, forgive and move on.

Burning bridges is not one of my bigger traits. In fact, it is never a trait I possess. I have always been a Scorpio and a Scorpio I will be. I will always have lingering emotions and always have memories and being cursed as I am, I know I will never be able to forgive and forget.

I just cannot believe the stupidity I possess as a soon-to-be 25 year old. I have let myself trust and with that, I lowered my defenses and left myself vulnerable.

Chairwoman sent me a text message later that evening to say : "I want that strong Shine back!"

So do I, Chairwoman, so do I. I cannot wait to have her back. Shine who is all strong and mighty, Shine who shone through the dark and the butt of every joke.

I have been utterly defeated.

JC said to me yesterday evening that I've got to have faith. I think faith is what got me to this compromising position. Faith in other people, who got me into this emotional gutter I feel stuck in.

As much as I love me, last night I wanted to do a Constantine over and over again. The hell with my cough and my runny nose. Nothing got me feeling worse that the message Chairwoman delivered.

You know what they say, when the going gets tough, life slaps you with even tougher. This "test" that God put me through, it is a life-long test and I'm going to receive slap after slap coz I'm gonna turn the other cheek.

The cheek of that boy to mess with me.

Wake up and smell the coffee, I am here to stay and nothing is gonna get in my way.

Boss taught me a couple of things last night, it includes a topic called "Survival of the fittest". No wonder my Boss is the kick-ass power-generating fearful leader. He takes chances and knows he is going to excel in this. I will learn this mental strength and excel from it.

I will never feel like my insides has been kicked out, again.

"Here's looking at you, kid"

Isn't It A Wonder?

It's the sign of the times, girl

Sad songs on the radio

It's the sign of the times, girl

As the leaves begin to go

But all these signs now,showing on my face

Proving me wrong, taking it's place

And I pray to God

That there's more that we can do, yeah

And I pray to God

That there's more that we can show

More that we can do, yeah

Isn't It a Wonder

as a newborn baby cries

And isn't it a wonder

with the sweetness in my eyes

and isn't it a wonder

at the crossroads of my life

Isn't it a wonder?

Isn't it a wonder, to me?

It's the way of the world when,

Wrong takes hold of right

It's the way of the world

In which we've all lost sight

But isn't this world

Too simple to be true?

Holding on to memories of you

And I pray to God

That there's more that we can do, yeah

And I pray to God

That there's more that we can show

More that we can do, yeah

That I can see, a change in me

But I won't look back

Cos that's behind me

And after all,Strong words are spoken

My heart will never be, never be

Never be broken...

That I can see, a change in me

But I won't look back

Cos that's behind me

And after all

Strong words are spoken

My heart will never be, never be

Never be broken...