I Am A Gracious Host

The recent MMS shock about the Chinese nation in a lock up brought me back on Earth. What have we come to?

On Friday, we had a little get-together in the back office. We hosted with many Oreo's, cakes, butter cookies, pineapple tarts and all the Pringles you can eat. We played host to many people who came and went. It took some pride and joy and lots of reaching out. Let's just say we had our dose of humble pie, thus full...

It is me, I'm doing it again. Instead of "we", I use "they". Intead of "us", I use "them".
I need to reach out and connect... somehow.

Has it been so long? Has it been so long that I have forgotten We Are Ladies & Gentlemen Serving Ladies & Gentlemen? Now I Am A Gracious Host?

Well, hosting graciously was what I did, with vicious by-comments.

I spent Saturday at the City Centre, watched a movie with my trusted No. 2. Teary, sad-but-happy movie. Just Like Heaven.

The title of the movie was a song by The Cure, I know it. But it just didn't register in my head when the song played at the end of the movie. (Silly...)

I did more damage with expensive purchases from Gaultier and Dior and some lace. Returned home with a smile and lazy bone.

A fellow colleague passed, with advanced lung cancer. A friend of Steve passed, from an accident where the BMW proves unreliable ABS.

Where the world is small and stuffy, you really can't tell what and how things are. How tomorrow would be. The passage is a maze with twisted plots and traps.

"A Really Complex Job"

I went to Qert's office to use his lappy in uploading songs into my miniature Pod. I corrupted his Library with tunes from Top Gun, The Cure's Galore, one cheesy Chinese song and some sappy David Gray along with a jiving Madonna hit.

Oily Onion Spotted!

I went for my regular morning anchor of a double shot tall latte. In case you're wondering, I still couldn't handle it.

I crystalised. I crystalised on the couch. With him.

I did my running out of him, with crystals turning into waterfall. I ran into Boss.

He caught me by the arm and asked me what's wrong. Why am I crying on the way to work?

"I'm okay, Boss. Really."

He looks at me with the intact frown of which is his signature.... I feel so defeated. So early in the day. Already so tired and so deflated.

Last night I did a running out on my new best friend because Royal Hai-ness wanted to check out. I finally caught my new best friend for a chat, short, but precise. It was her who didn't want to lay her story on the table.

I'm through.

Low Blood Pressure

Did the doctor ever tell you you have low blood pressure? I'm certain many ladies has heard this before especially pre-menses.

What else could I expect to hear?

Yesterday night, I took Steve to the movies to watch Harry Potter. I almost fell asleep in the cinema. Good thing it was too cold.

I would like to think that last night, I finally managed some good rest. But today, I'm still light headed. I'm still stupid.

The doctor says there is no cure for stupidity. =) Stupid is as stupid does. There is nothing he can do for me.

I have found how to measure the level of how "up" I am for things (work, de-stress, sessions, quiet time, coffee, love, chats)

If I cannot handle him, I cannot handle it.

Again, he has been so unrelentingly sarcastic that resistance is futile. I took myself away from the situation I faced myself with. How could someone be so mean? Nothing ever fails to amaze me.

For all the praises I sing of him and all the wonderful emotions he brought upon me, I never realise it could just be as awful. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Yet I never learn. Didn't we talk about Murphy's Law before?
Everything that is wrong, will become right eventually.
Everything that he does, which to him is amusing, even if it trashes on your emotions, it's amusing.

I will continue to pray that people who comes into my life would be considerate. And that I will have the strength to accept the things I cannot change. (Like him...)

The Coffee Session...

So what happened last night was, I had coffee overdose with Julius. We were drinking SF Extreme Mocha while watching Chicken Little. It wasn't only that the cinema was very cold, we were sipping frappes in the cinema. I had more than a funny-5-seconds of brain freeze. It was my day off, on a beautiful moody rainy Monday. What else could I ask for? :)

The supposed funny-5-seconds brain freeze stayed, stayed throughout the first sip of frappe, till the last frame of Chicken Little.

I lay awake listening to Steve's snores and occasional gibberish ramblings, and then to a very clear "Bing Bing.. Ba...!!" bla bla bla. My soon-to-be husband can sing Crazy Frog in his sleep. I am amused. Could I have an even more amazing/amusing husband?

I ordered my wake up call with Chairwoman at 5.30 am. I decided I couldn't sleep at 5.00 am and started to sms her. I dragged my ass off bed and went to work.

I was in by 7.00 am.

Subsequently, everything else that preceeded was "interactive movie" to me. I had breakfast with Chairwoman and Bone. To them, I was the comic relief. I'm the cutest ever, at being able to have everyone laugh at me.

"And solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing solitaire"

I met him for a moment in sharing The Couch. It was my first whif of coffee today. Being in so early, meeting Chairwoman for breakfast, I didn't have time to go get coffee. Would you believe it?

"How could you be so unforgivingly sarcastic?"

DVDs.

I got my coffee, got up and walked out of Planet Starbucks.

It wasn't until I was on a brief phone call that I realised, I'm crystalising again...

"I wish you wasn't so painful, but you are"

"You bring out the worse in me..."

I couldn't say more.

I am not able to say more.

I think the Happy Pills thing is getting to be serious.

I was browsing through the Sex & The City Season 5 episodes and I came across this question, "What kind of mood elevator are you on?"

I need to find my Lithium-laced cure....

Choked Tears...

I cannot believe that I was one to be oily over the fact that no one wants to eat with me. I, the same person who values loneliness and my own company, was oily over solitary. I gave up lunch because I found no one worthy.

I called, reaching out for my new best friend. And I said to her, I won't eat till I see you.

Then because the both of us are in operations, some things are not meant for us to decide. It is not entirely up to us. Nothing is ever up to us. We can plan, we can talk about it, but everything is up to Him.

My new best friend went out for her break without me because she is not able to accommodate my time and I am left with no one to eat with and no one to talk to.

It's one of those days, where I have 2 postings in a day. Again, it means one of two things. I'm bored or I'm sad/furious.

I choked back the tears that was fortcoming. I called Fuzz and he wondered why I am that way, since I am "so good".

Good question, I want to know why I am that way too.

I looked at my supply of Happy Pills and wonder if I should take a couple...

Black Lace

I woke up late this morning. I was in a panicked rush but I managed to pick up the phone for a quick sms.. "It's Saturday!" He's back!

Silver lining to the days, huh?

I received another gift today. This gift, is a little difficult to hide and a little difficult to comment. So I shan't say another word.

Today felt so weird. I don't know if it is a happy feeling, stab-thru-the-heart feeling, or just feeling a little down. I haven't seen Chairwoman in a great deal time, since Monday 14th Nov. I haven't caught up with my new best friend in ages.

I just want to sit down with someone and have a heart to heart talk.

Like what's bugging me, who's bugging me, who's not bugging me. And I want to hear things from the other person. I want a sense of belonging!

The package...

The suspicious expectant package arrived on my desk this morning. Thankfully I was anchored by my routine double shot tall latte. The package is wrapped in gift wrap full of butterflies, and addressed to Ms. Liew.

If there was more than ONE Shine, it would have gone missing. But there is only ONE Shine, although wrong surname.

The package arrived safely on my desk, from Labuan. The gift is insured and cost more than RM 200.

I brought the scary butterfly package to the Desk to open with my trusted No. 2. I was afraid it was going to be a frame of butterflies...

I never found so much joy in unwrapping a gift before (this year) I ripped it and knifed it like some over enthusiastic brat. I found a bag of beans.

Then a set of miniature perfumes of cK... My trusted No. 2 was almost jumping with joy! Ha ha ha... Perfumes and chocolates arrived from Labuan, unharmed, uneaten, unused, still intact.

I smiled a knowing smile. JMA sure knows how to pick a gift. Chocolates are meant to be shared, that's what he said to me before. And I shared the chocolate with my team. Good/Great things are meant for sharing. Thank you, JMA for a wonderful gift all the way from Labuan...

There are many things in this world that makes a difference, one of it, is having a person like you as a friend. I know I cannot be selfish and want you closeby all the time, but with you being thoughtful all the time, it's good enough for me.

Thank You for your attempts in lightening me up by sending me a third gift. I really appreciate it. I know you will not be reading this, but I mean it. Thank You...

Post Birthday Depression...

The black cloud is still hanging over me. I don't know if it started off as a lousy birthday, or if it is because it's also post-bleeding depression. I just haven't been happy lately.

I picked a fight with Steve on Tuesday. Resulted in me crying my eyes out. All because I didn't want to have my company phone on, and he couldn't find my bookie SIM card. Just as we were yelling at each other, my communication expert called. Steve picked up the phone rudely.

I am so riled up and tensed because of work. I only wanted 2 days, with Steve. Blissfully away from office. Two days. It's too much to ask for. It simply is too much to ask for.

We went to catch Corpse Bride. My kind of Tim Burton animated movie. I thought it was rather my kind of thing. The end had me crying. Maybe because I've been oily lately. I am so glad I didn't share the couch or gone to Starbucks to stare at him. It's vulnerable days like this that would have me crystalising in front of him. Weak in his presense... Yet the last thing I want him to think of me is weak.

It always feels empty with him not being in town. I never hang at the couch without him. I never crystalise when someone else says, "Keep Smiling". It only happens with him.

Life has been such a curveball lately. People I used to know turned into strangers, strangers turned into people I shared a moment with. With everything going topsy turvy, Chairwoman is on graveyard shift. For 8 days! It certainly doesn't feel very reliable to me. All that anchored me, is not there... No longer there...

Dependability. We all have that issue. And right now, the issue with dependability is, I need this job more than it needs me. We bought a place that we will be bleeding through our nose to pay off.

I haven't seen my new best friend in ages, we took turns not informing each other that we're away from office. Today when I saw her, she hugged me like there was no tomorrow. I almost crystalised. What kept me grounded is, when I looked into my purse, my Happy Pill is still there. I still have supply of my Happy Pill....

One thing is certain, no matter what life throws at me, it will never be as bad as it ever was with Monkey around. I will be able to deal with it tougher. (Minus Monkey)

Don't get me wrong, he still irritates me, to high stinking heavens. Maybe it was because of how he has no remorse. Somewhere along the line, I hope someone thoroughly breaks his heart and maybe then he will finally understand how it feels... Revenge is sweet, but it doesn't necessary has to be mine... I will wait around to see, something tells me I will outlive him =)

Someone told me the other day that I am competitive. Being able to tell me that to my face proves that I'm truly not, isn't it? I think it was Steve. He's afraid that the children will have my spirit in being competitive. I guess it is up to us, as parents to monitor this and maintain it healthy, right?

Parenting is not something everybody can do. I'm amazed my mom raised two girls. I would have died if I raised me.

Steve has been the most supportive and reliable person to ever enter my life. I am so glad I have him. Despite being able to ruffle me up, he cracks me up as well. I am so glad I've found The One.

On leave.... (Yeah, right!)

I was supposedly to be on leave (actually, clearing days off in lieu and public holiday) on 22nd to 24th Nov. Guess what? He's done it again. It's gotten pulled back. Wasn't it his brilliant idea that I do a 4 day work week till I finish my days off in lieu and public holiday?

My trusted No. 2, my communication expert, my Mandarin translator and my next communication expert, has had the boot of my court shoes. Relentlessly chasing after their miniscule error and slip of tongue.. I am so out for blood. I have been feeling this way in the past week.

It really means something to be Special Ops. It means that we have to be resistant and resilient. I am here for a reason and I cannot give up.

First the Trouble Centre, then the merging of Desk Operations. I am swimming upstream and I am alone.

I have been meeting Boss for short 10-minutes outburst. Resulting in his handkerchief being in laundry service now.

It has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Being stressed and not having an outlet. I am bleeding, hence.

I will be away from office for 2 days beginning tomorrow. Blissfully aware that this is the time for me to be able to spend 2 days with Steve. We actually had a trip planned to Shangri-La Putrajaya, my favourite getaway.

It has to be cancelled because I haven't been able to let go of all these stress and relax. To be completely honest, the holiday is cancelled because I cannot get to enjoy the swimming pool. I love the pool there. The view, the sun, the feeling. Sigh!

At least I will be spending the days with Steve doing whatever we want to do, whenever we want. We're gonna go drive up to the showroom of our newly-purchased condominium again. At least this time, we know which lot is ours :)

The sky is beautiful today. Spend it outdoors!

The Pink Bug

Steve bought me a Pink Motorola H500 for my birthday. It was 5 days late. But only because I asked him for an iPod Nano. Then Qert advised that I really shouldn't... yet! So my next thought was a Bluetooth headset.

And so with my Pink Bug that I went to work with today.

I started today on a positive note. I started today just like every other day, with thoughts that there will be random acts of kindness throughout my day today. I remember and know that you only get genuine happiness by giving unselfishly.

With all the bitching happening yesterday evening, it got me so down as I realised that as human, we crave for understanding in each other's miserable life. Which is why I am so glad that when I am with Laine, Kee, KC and Sharon, we don't talk about the ugliest 4 letter word ever known to mankind... W - - K.

As I was with the two gentleman of the player circuit yesterday evening, I realise that even men needs emotional toilets. With this realisation, I am so glad that Steve never put me through that.

Is it healthy that we see so less of each other to even have arguements? Is it healthy that I spend so much time at work even on his day off?

It's towards the end of the year and it's time to re-evaluate my priorities. As mentioned by The Godfather, I have my priorities screwed up. It's been a year since that "talk" we had. I don't expect anything to have gone differently.

I am still very passionate about what I do. I am still very defensive about what I do. I am still sad that I am under appreciated.

I am still looking forward to finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Mentor keep telling me good things will come. And when you are told something often enough, you tend to believe it....

Now would be a good time to help me, with some positive reinforcement...

Banana leaf rice...

I woke up in the morning feeling like I should drown in sorrow. And nobody, nobody loves company like Misery does. So it was a Banana Leaf Rice for lunch kinda Sunday. It's sinful. Sinful to indulge in banana leaf rice, but it does drown your hunger, even if not sorrow.

I rounded the best companion to go have this lunch with me in Bangsar. It's been ages since we last had lunch and coffee together. This is the same person I spent Valentine's with. This is the same person I would trust my life with. If there was anyone in this world that I would trust my being to him, it would be this truly amazing person. (besides Steve lah...)

Described as my knight in shining armour (Check posting in February 17th, titled V Day)
I said aplenty things about him, it's all true. Well, ladies, he's taken!

As usual, lunch went on with me talking my mouth off and him, listening and occasionally giving input that would have me bursting out with laughter. I really wonder, what took us so long to just have lunch again?

We adjourned to the next destination with the accompanying orchestra of thunder and lightening. I guess God realised it's one of those Sundays meant to be spent indoors. But not away from coffee!

We sat at Starbucks, enjoying the view and the parade of expensive cars. We updated each other... it's been so long. We used to spend hours not talking but understanding, but because of the lapse of the last coffee to this, we spoke. We spoke of anything and everything. And then I remember, he's taken... I am so happy for him. I wish him luck and for love to shine brightly upon the both of them.

Love is a struggle. There would be no greater love, or better things in life, if there were no sacrifices or compromises. It takes two and you both will endure this and come out victorious.
I have faith in the both of you....

For the likes of still being the aged birthday girl, I went to Blook to shop while he went to be holy. There wasn't much to shout about. I'm glad I didn't miss anything much from Blook. Haven't been there in AGES!

Birthday

Birthdays must be some over-rated thing. I didn't feel quite up to celebrating the fact that I am turning a quarter of a century old. Maybe it was because everyone is on Raya leave, or away due to the long weekend. Somehow, it didn't feel much of a celebration.

The day before my birthday, it was absolutely crap for me. Everyone was hyped up over Laine's house-warming. So I guess it doesn't really matter whether anyone was gonna be around for my coffee sit-down.

Sure, a house is a bigger deal than a birthday.

On 2nd, I went out at 11pm to have dinner with a girlfriend, Cat. We went to the landmark of Kuala Lumpur. Maybe because I feel aged, I didn't want to go dancing. And because it was such a last minute thing, we couldn't round up enough people. It's only Shine. Who would want to go out last minute with Shine? So it was good enough. We had late dinner in Chili's and went on to a different location where there are pole dancing (once upon a time)

A quick call to Chairwoman and she confirmed that the little boys and girls are in the club next to where I am. That was a total turn off. We left in half an hour.

The day of my birthday, I didn't get up till noon. It was an awful feeling of loneliness. Which was an embracing welcome for my being. I didn't want to be rushed, I didn't want to be kept by time. It was just when I want it kinda thing. The only time I was keeping was the little get-together Raya plus my birthday celebration in my office at The Tower.

It was amazing to see my children again. I gave them each a hug. Hari Raya hug. I stayed till 6 pm. My children are amazing. They got me a cake.

That was probably the highlight of my day. I got home and slept early. I went to sleep. I was kinda depressed. Now I know how it feels like to turn a quarter of a century.

No big deal, no present from Steve. No Chairwoman, no Qert, no Jason, no Ju, no Fuzz, no "my-new-best-friend". Everyone that mattered, wasn't there....

Crazy..

The craziest bit of things I have done include being in love with a married man...

Is it love or just infatuation?

I am afraid that I am beginning to prefer married man... Sigh...