All Fcuked Up.

So it happens, my morning shift called in sick. Good thing was, I was up. I made Steve get off the bed to send me to work.

I'm sorry I haven't been updating the blog as I should. I have just been too busy. So busy that I wish I can just walk away from it all. Then again, you know that's not me at all. I'm too responsible. I'm too serious. I'm too WORK-minded. I'm too complicated. I'm too emotional. I'm too riled up.

You know what I am to? I am paid TOO little. I am given TOO little space for mistakes. I am given TOO little time to grow into this. I am given TOO much pressure to perform or else.

I walked into the office to find the Hotel Manager behind the Front Desk. I rolled my eyes and sighed. I knew it.The day after you day off is always the most difficult to swallow. And I know I have a lot of swallowing to do. Yes, I did get yelled at for decisions made not by myself. Yes, it is my overall responsibility. And what did I learn from this? That I never should take a day off. Everything should be within my control (what control?) I should be here for every decision made about the smooth-running of my department.

I was tied and stuck to my Front Desk the entire day. Not being in breakfast fellowship actually got me all wired up. It is like my daily services. And I've missed that 3 days consecutively. It drives me up the wall. And being in the closer days of my bleeding time doesn't help any to keep me grounded and emotionally on chart. Breakfast fellowship is like Sunday Service for me. I'm an anti-social person. When I look forward to being with people, it is something I am amazed about myself.

I called Qert with quick instuctions for breakfast arrangement. Yes, he complied. I'm only too happy. And I knew happiness like this don't last long. It lasted for like 7 minutes. Qert was counting how long it takes me to devour breakfast. LOL.

I got the Hotel Manager to cover my Front Desk when I left for lunch with Chairwoman, Mousedeer and Cutebee. Quick bite, left my bill for Chairwoman to settle, ran back to the office to find Bapa Tiri waiting for my return so that he may take my Boss out for makan.

The day went by with much frustration as I was juggling everything with one hand on a pen, the other on the telephone receiver, and my legs apart, trying to reach out for the phone, walkie-talkie and still remain close by to the PC.

No, today was not like an "Alice". Today still is a day that He just keeps testing me. One of the days I wish He didn't have so much attention on me. Pray for me. I would appreciate it.

Yesterday, I spent it with Steve. I guess I'm comfortable. I'm contented. I'm good.

Having known me for so long, have you known me to settle for "good"? If you have known me for a while, you know I'm more of an "outstanding" person. Which is why I would probably spend the rest of my life alone. No one lives up to my expectation.

It's probably the "mood" talking. Not the real me. Now is not a good time for me to make any decisions.

Spending the day at the office with the two boys I work with is not easy. No, it really isn't. This was never a walk in the park and I wish I could just be courageous enough to quit. But you know me, I will never walk away from this work that provides sustenance. Irregardless how much I complain about it. Tomorrow, it is the Same Old Same Old.

How do you think I got named Whine Shine?

When people change passwords and locks you out of their lives, that's telling you something. That's a slap in the face telling you to move on. Burn your bridges, girl and accept the fact that people change, people move on and you, you're still living in your reality. Shine, why can't you get it? Why can't you get it like every other girl? This is what you wanted. You wanted to break away from your habits. You cannot even handle not having breakfast. What does that tell you about every other aspects of your life?

You will not be able to handle it when they take this job away from your hands. That's when you will be really sorry.

It doesn't help having my mentor away for 2 months and only back for a quickie weekends. It's crappy not having the luxury of walking into this office. It has been the most constant thing that has ever presented its way into my career. He is only a phone call away and has always responded to my text messages. Today, I texted him and received an instantaneous reply. It made me smile and remember what he always keep telling me, "Keep Smiling".

No, it cannot be THAT bad. Although sometimes I loose track of my sights and think the worse of me, of the situation I am in and the worse of everyone around me. And yet I can still overlook the flaws of this one person, Steve.

It's amazing how patient I have been. Don't ask me why. He makes me laugh and he doesn't drive me up the wall. That is a good enough reason for me.

Some young chap, you know you cannot bred them, you cannot break them into being what they are not. Sometimes you just have to let time make it happen. It is not in your hands. It will happen, eventually. It just isn't you. Don't take it personally, it just takes a little bit of opportunity for the right time, right person to happen. You cannot force things like that. Just do what you can. We can't be rushed to grow up. (Not everyone is placed in a job like yours.)

For all mistakes done and reflected onto you, la-la-la. No pink blades, no threats, no violence. Just know that everyone needs to learn at their own pace.

I take everything too seriously. Don't be like me. You'd end up miserable. Yes, I look tired. But that's my look for this year.

I had coffee (actually some calming Cammomile tea) with my favourite couple (or so I thought) and Qert. The session ended badly and we had sore ears and sore hearts. Neither of us could get some serious work done after that. It was probably the most easiest bashing we have ever left ourselves vulnerable to. We have taken them for granted for far too long. They have had it and they wanted to just kick our butts. We were right there. Whether he was really angry at us ding-dong-ing them around, or he has had a bad afternoon. Whatever it was, it was only right. There is always this chain of events, the chi has to go from one person to the other. That's how it always works. It gets... "redirected". We have been victims of this once of twice a day. I'm certain you know what I'm talking about.

Like Liberty vs Freedom. That's one talk I will never want to get into again.

Listen to some Frank. You know how Frank calms you down. And you know how dangerous that Shuffle is. It plays whatever it wants to and you better skip it when it plays Alanis Morissette.

Why am I talking to myself? Oh yeah, because I'm the only person I listen to.

This weekend it's F1 weekend and I will be government and have a group check in. Qert has already mentioned that I shouldn't be a "hero" about it. What heroism? I take it on and you say I'm being "hero" about it. I know know-lah!

Whatever makes you happy.... Even if you did wash your hands on me.