The End...

Today, like every other Monday, was difficult to take on. A case of biting off more than you can chew. I have always known time was a luxury I do not have.

This morning was difficult to begin and even more difficult to take in. I had the weight of the building on my shoulders as it dawned on me that it's my ass on the line. (Of course I know that already, but today I was just suffocated with that knowledge)

By 12 noon, I was ready to jump off the window of the 26th floor. I called Chairwoman to inform her of my decisions. I have thought about my mom, Steve's dad, Steve, work and everything relevant. I know I am courageous enough today to jump. I know and have felt the impact of the fall and instinctively know that I am ready.

I wrote my "I'm sorry" note and said solemnly to my coordinator that I'm sorry. Honest and sincerely mean it.

Chairwoman suggested that I should take a break and have lunch. She has news to share. I know it was going to be worth the wait, the jump will have to wait.

We had lunch at the usual place and when we were having conversations about how God has chartered this path for us and we just walk it to His course and His intentions. While at it, we play by His rules and people who doesn't, gets a day like mine. I know I have seriously screwed this up. I know I have done wrong and I repent. I asked quietly that He does not punish me heavily and I know I deserve it, but I am still a God-fearing creature.

After lunch, we went the usual route. We witnessed the aftermath of a person's fall. Smack in front of our faces. Chairwoman wanted to throw up and I wanted to go down on my knees and thank Him for sending me a message. I need to be more receptive to His wants and wishes. I know I have been wrong and I asked Him for forgiveness.

This lesson that God taught us during our lunch hour has stopped any further suicidal thoughts from me. It's my ass on the line and it's me who will save it. If I just stay in this self-pity and keep digging my own grave, I will end up in it... alone.

So it's time to get off the mode of me bashing myself up. I need to take some actions and it has to be quick.

The end is not near and I am still here. I received an sms from Chairwoman later when I asked her how has her day been and if she's still riled up like I was. She replied : Still standing!

That was motivation for me, that I have to keep reminding myself and the people around me that we're still here and we're still standing! We are still here!

So my leave has been cancelled, I've been looking forward to spending a few quiet days with my father-in-law and just let him love me like he does. It's one of those days when I feel like the comfort of my mom's lap was all it takes to take all these worries and pressure away.

The hardest part about it is to let my father-in-law know that again, I am not able to make it home to see him. It's been half a year. At first he was happy with my promotion, now he's just not reacting to me very well. This kind and gentle old man must think that I have my priorities upside down. Being a career-minded person he was before he retired, I hope that he understands my situation and that I would have given up this job to spend a week with him.

I have to be strong and I have to first start with myself.

It was like having crystals in my eyes when I spoke to JC on the phone for a minute before he flew away.

3 minutes was all I gave to a person I will never see for a year. I know he valued all full 3 minutes of it. And he would have been the most devastated person if I did jump off 26th floor. I could feel his pain, that's an amazing self-discovery.

This person loves me as much as I love me. Could you believe that possible?

I'm still standing...