I really did it again!

Remember I said in an earlier post last month or so that I should practice Ignorance Is Bliss?
Well, last night I called Chairwoman for a little catch up over the society in which Chairwoman chairs... Little did I expect to hear what I indeed heard.

The tears that has welled up, amounting to what emotional trash I have, gushed out of my eyes unabashedly. I couldn't believe that such information could move me. But it did.

Chairwoman on the other end of the line so totally did not expect me to react the way I did. Neither did I. I was not ashamed of it. It was true, I am not hiding these emotions that overwhelmed me. I wanted to believe, and there, I had the basis of truth which my being craved for.

It haunted me for the rest of the night. I went to sleep with a headache and woke up with it.

I silently cursed myself for being receptive, for being the one who couldn't handle it.

I have the pants around my ankles and it is time for me to wear it. If no one else would, I will be the bigger person in overlooking this matter, forgive and move on.

Burning bridges is not one of my bigger traits. In fact, it is never a trait I possess. I have always been a Scorpio and a Scorpio I will be. I will always have lingering emotions and always have memories and being cursed as I am, I know I will never be able to forgive and forget.

I just cannot believe the stupidity I possess as a soon-to-be 25 year old. I have let myself trust and with that, I lowered my defenses and left myself vulnerable.

Chairwoman sent me a text message later that evening to say : "I want that strong Shine back!"

So do I, Chairwoman, so do I. I cannot wait to have her back. Shine who is all strong and mighty, Shine who shone through the dark and the butt of every joke.

I have been utterly defeated.

JC said to me yesterday evening that I've got to have faith. I think faith is what got me to this compromising position. Faith in other people, who got me into this emotional gutter I feel stuck in.

As much as I love me, last night I wanted to do a Constantine over and over again. The hell with my cough and my runny nose. Nothing got me feeling worse that the message Chairwoman delivered.

You know what they say, when the going gets tough, life slaps you with even tougher. This "test" that God put me through, it is a life-long test and I'm going to receive slap after slap coz I'm gonna turn the other cheek.

The cheek of that boy to mess with me.

Wake up and smell the coffee, I am here to stay and nothing is gonna get in my way.

Boss taught me a couple of things last night, it includes a topic called "Survival of the fittest". No wonder my Boss is the kick-ass power-generating fearful leader. He takes chances and knows he is going to excel in this. I will learn this mental strength and excel from it.

I will never feel like my insides has been kicked out, again.

"Here's looking at you, kid"