Not everyday is Sunday...

Not every Sunday is Mother's Day. Not every Mother's Day is F1 race day.

So... when I was having a conversation with Boss this afternoon, I said... "I've got to go back by 7.30 pm on Sunday." He replied, "Oh, Mother's Day, right?" I answered... (please don't tell my mom I said this) "No, it's Race Day. My mom's always here, F1 race day is not always here".

Slap me. I know I deserve it. I feel like kicking myself in the arse for saying it. (Now, I honestly think that was a stupid thing to say)

When has it been that f1 topped my mom? Is it because I am a little "screwed" that I have jumbled up my priorities? That I have stupidly say things without using my brains?

Don't get here, where ever I am. Don't. I want nothing more than to go home and cry on my mom's lap right now. There's nothing I would want more. There's nothing like a good conversation with my mom. Like yesterday, my day off...

I spent the afternoon walking in the sun with my mom, and had chicken rice. Then ice cream for dessert... My favourite heart-melting Sundae cone from Mickey Ds.

I love my mom. To the ends of the Earth, I will do my best and love her the best way I can show how.

My mom teaches at the kindy in the morning. She was talking to me about the children she surrounds herself with. Here I was playing with the idea that I should get her half a dozen or so. She would love them, like how I would love them.

I said to her, "You know mom, you didn't do such a bad job with us. You raised us good..."

She shrugged.

That conversation brought tears to my eyes. Because I still remember when I was 18 years old, I said a lot of mean and hurtful things to her. She hit me when I was being rude to her then. I just stood there defiantly and let her. She cried over this child she had. This one, this same one sitting opposite her having chicken rice together.

There are things I cannot, can never, forgive myself of the things I said to her. It's like cutting myself with a kitchen knife. I couldn't believe I was that person I was, when I was 18.

1998 was a cruel year for me. It was a horrible year for me. Lots of good things happened, some bad things happened. Some events that totally changed my life. And moulded me into the person I am today. I'm not very proud of what I did when I was 18. I don't keep college friends, because I don't like it that they remember me as the person I was. Remember the me now, remember the me a few years back. Don't remember the 18-year-old Shine.

I pray everynight that my mom would forgive and forget that 18-year-old Shine who brought such pain to her everynight. Who brought such worries to her when I do not come home at night. If I could heal all those, I would.

I love my mom and all I could do this Mother's Day was write her a cheque. I couldn't even take her out to dinner because I'll be stuck at work.

My mom's an amazing person who bought me tube tops when I was 21. Who joined me for mamak sessions late at night, who lepaks with me in Coffee Bean and still lovingly strokes my hair and occasionally come into my room at night to make sure I have my blanket on.

I believe that I would make a very good mother. I have a very good mother.

I know I may not have turned out what she wanted me to be (a tour guide!) But I take tours on a daily basis of this property enough to qualify as a tour guide, don't I?

My mom hates my job, it keeps me away from dining at home. It keeps me away from CSIs, it keeps me away from F1 weekends. Coz when I don't get any of these, I sulk and start calling her "Mother". That's how she knows I'm annoyed about one thing or another. (Heh)

Let's remember our mothers this Mother's Day and keep her in our prayers every night. I know I'm lucky to still go home to her, my best friend isn't so lucky. I am so sorry for your loss, Haze... My heart goes out to you....

I love you, mom.