Bigger

There are bigger problems than just me. There are real problems.

And right about now, in this grey drizzling morning, I just want to stay in the closet. And maybe wait to be found. And then a nice warm hug.

But that is not gonna happen.

At least for 8 hours, I closed my eyes.

The 50 ml dosage was enough for 10 takes. And I took enough to send my pulse racing and a quick call to Chairwoman. "Wake me at 7 ish. If I don't pick up the call, call my room. If I don't pick up the call, call Flo's room."

"Then call Fion"

I woke up this morning. And hid in the closet. Where the light seemed more focus. And brighter. Nice small space with light. It's cold outside. And it's not just outside that's cold.

I'm back this evening. And then I will have some real problems to deal with.

In Your Face

It was apparent. But it didn't hit Qert until he was in the car park lift. And saw the name in SUPER HUGE font.

So when we went to see Boss in the hospital, Boss provided us some insights and tried to supress it. But it was so obvious. Or so I thought.

This evening, I called Qert.

Hey, I saw your post. And yes, it is so obvious.

"Everybody knows. And I'm the last one to know? And yeah... I didn't want to make it so obvious to post it so close"

Yeah. It's okay. It's her fault nonethesless.

"Hey, how's your roomie?"

bla bla bla

"Hey hey, guess where I am?!!"

Uh. *annoyed*

"I'm at the driving range with Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life and Jason the niggah is coming to join us in a bit!"

Okay.

"How cool is that?"

Ya, talking about cool... I'm sorry about the grammatical error on the comments in your blog. But at least now you know what's cool vs cute. Hey hey! You know who's got the best knots I've seen?

"Yeah and what knot is that?"

The guy in the law series thingy! That guy! He's got the best knots.

"Oh yeah.. The Dylan McDermott guy in the courtroom drama!"

Yes. I'm into ties.. uh. If I remember any knot... it would be his..

"Yeah... Let me check that out. Good one, girl"

In Between

In between breaking fast, Chairwoman quick-texted me to make sure I was alright. She has been panicky since 6 ish. And I have kept thoughts of The Boys, because with them, life is so simple. There were no complications watching The Boys, watching the episodes.

It was not like Sex And The City, where Carrie always ends up .. silly and stupid. You know, stuff I could relate to. Watching The Boys, has nothing whatsoever to remind me of me. So it's simple and easy for me to deal with.

What Chairwoman asked me, got me thinking. And I gave her a straight answer.

"Is this what you want?"

No. It isn't. But I did it. Oily or not. I blew my chance and now I have to live with it.

And it all brings back to The Filth Element. He used to say to me that I had a lot of issues to deal with. And if I cannot forgive, just forget.

And I guess that's how The Filth Element dealt with The List. (eh, Gina?)

Each of us have our pace, and I pushed too much. And to forget, or forgive....

Boss with signature frown used to say to us, regret was the most difficult thing to live with. And I guess it was me speaking without thinking. Regardless what excuse I may have, it seems I have been selfish.

Time to ask myself : Why does it always have to be about you?

asking

When Boss with signature frown recruited me for the job, he said, it was because I could always ask for help. And I wouldn't feel embarassed asking for help. Because admitting that being incapable, was not how I see it. It was for a bigger picture.

Because I don't know, I ask.

Because I ask, I know.

Do I want to know?

It's always been this don't ask-don't tell thing. But I always tell. I could talk till the cows come home (and I miss my homecoming cows and rivers of margarita) and I would still be talking. When I'm not talking, that's the thing. Something's wrong.

My throat hurts, I still talk. My cough triumphs, I still talk.

I am tired. So tired of foreign beds. So tired of being cold. So tired of crying. So tired of waiting.. and waiting..

The weekend is here. And it wouldn't make a difference to me anymore.

Going home on Saturday, public appearance scheduled.

Lying on the floor on Sunday, being with The Boys and CSI and Race Day.

And the rest of the days, might as well be called Weekends, for how I feel mostly on weekends.

And I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues.

If I have complained about having just a little bit, then my worries are gone. But the solution to that, has left me with so much more grieve and tears.

And I Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out To Dry... gonna take a while. This place is so humid. Isn't it ironic?



At least tonight you can drink the entire bottle and drug yourself. For free. Thank You, anyway.

In The Rain

It gets worse than just being in the cold... It's being in the rain, in the cold...

And I guess the weather today mirrors what I feel today. Today, this morning...

I brought it upon myself. I don't know what I was thinking. And I wish I could stay here indefinitely. It would have made things so much easier. It's nice being away. Being away for a while. Not having my familiarities, not having my Chai, or my Planet, just start adapting.

I feel like Meredith, after that thing with George. And I have already placed my Grey's on hold. I couldn't bear for it to finish.

With all the attachments and associations that made me me, what I did this morning, was so not me.

With adapting, time to burn bridges and move on, Shine. You did this to yourself. Now live with it.

In The Cold

I can never sleep soundly in foreign beds. I'm a creature of habit and familiarity. It's not about being alone. I don't know why, but I just couldn't fall asleep without waking up every half hour or so.

It gets cold at night. And I hate the cold. I have my Pod, my space, my portable dvd, my ciggies, my snacks, almost everything... I even have my mom on text. But I just couldn't fall asleep.

Yeah, so you could imagine how I look like this morning. Yes, like Lenore.

Just as well!

Away

Away and back on Monday. But am hoping to be able to post while away.

Back!

My favourite couple returned this morning, for 2 weeks. Out of 2 weeks, they will be in Thailand for 3 days.

An appointment has been made to break fast with the 2 nasty boys I used to work with.

And they felt like it was almost as if they didn't leave...

But they came back to a lobby of strangers, and a Shine without the blue uniform. And without the 2 nasty boys.

But they certainly enjoyed how Boss can still make my life miserable.

Bean In Plastic

On Saturday, having made to spend some time wondering the complex, I decided to walk into MPH. I had to spend some time.

I went to feel every book I wanted to have, and smell them. If I have fixed my teeth and bought the book, I would have bitten it.

What I did find, was Bean nicely wrapped in plastic. This is the same book I was holding after I finished Robert and Sophie on my Penang weekend. This was the book. The ending of the Bean Saga.

I bought it. The weekend sucks already. And worse days coming up. I might as well reward myself. I bought it.

I took it home and I left it in plastic. And I didn't touch it.

The association bug in me, didn't want to start reading it. Because if I do, I will finish it. And what happens after I've finished it? And then what?

This has been the only sci-fi books I have ever read. Ender and Bean. It is all Jerri's fault for introducing it to me. (and books are not cheap nowadays)

Well, at least I've got something to smell.

Gina on a Saturday

No, there is no picture here.

At 4.06 pm on Saturday 23rd Sept, I received a text from Gina : Please email me the picture with chili* in my teeth.

Reply :Why don't you save it after I've posted it on blog?

Gina : Don't you post that! Even my blog doesn't have my own pictures.

Reply : Okay okay. I won't post it. I will email it to you, okay?

*chili in your teeth? he he

Dot Dot Dot

I am sure at certain points in our lives, the world just keeps getting smaller.

dotdot was a nick used by this little girl, who dates my salesman for a while. And then I realise this little girl, was a cousin sister of my cousin brother. This happened in 2001, when I was shocked out of my bones, finding her in my cousin brother's bedroom. Alone.

I asked my my cousin brother, "What is she doing here?"

And she asked her cousin brother, who is my cousin brother, "What is she doing here?"

And when I saw her again and again at Emporium, I gave up going there. The World Is Not Enough.

The story today is, about a tall leggy short-haired bitch. The kind that every guy likes and couldn't forget. Yeah, probably also the one who looked like she have very interesting weekends.
And the kind every girl hates.

I was dodging her the minute Yoga classes ended. I walked into her when she went for her lunch and I walked into her when I went for my lunch.

Gina said, "It's all in the mind". It's not the first time I've heard those words. My dather thinks headache is all in the mind. And Gina psychoed herself to getting a parking. On Saturday when we had our dry pan mien. Coincidence.

I may be getting riled up about her, but I certainly wasn't thinking of walking into her 3 times today.

It goes to prove what the mind thinks, it attracts. Okay, time to bring out my Normal Vincent Peale and my Anthony Robbins CDs. But hey, I have grown pass my discman. And I have no space in my Pod to load my Anthony Robbins. Sigh.

Time for a new mantra.

What some people can make you feel...

Since I'm in my September-I-Don't-Feel-Like phase, I realise that I do feel like many different things, from many different people.

With Qert - I feel like slapping him silly for locking the Pod.

With Boss - I don't even want to begin

With Bee2 - You want me to tell you how to do your job?

With Him - No UG

With Entourage - What?! Only an hour on a Sunday??!! NO!!

With Horatio - Go away and die. I couldn't be bothered with you anymore.

With Flip - Sure

With Chairwoman - Yeah, whatever



And why do I feel this way? Simple.

Someone told me, "Don't get angry. Get even."

Do you blame me when I don't feel like giving it 100%?

I hate it. It's not me. It's not a me thang not to be 100% all the time, everytime.

But it's all about choices, right? Choices that are not up to me.

It's always about being at someone's mercy.

The ugly 4 letter words continue to pile up and drown me.


L-U-C-K
W-O-R-K
L-O-V-E

I have this thang...

I have this thang.. It's a me thang.

Like an indicator, like a measurement for me. And today, I did that a lot. The me thang.

I used to have a favourite series to do this thang in, it is any 24 series. I like 24 series. And one particular 24 series I did a lot of this thang, was on 13th floor. I used to have more time at the old job to do this thang.

The Scorpio in me realise that Boss is not the anomaly, I am.

This part of me getting so emotional over this issue. And I went to Boss with this. Strongly. And I told her about it. She came out of the conversation winning. Hey, she is Boss. But not only did she win this, she made me realise that to be a better person, I have to be more than a Scorpio. Or giving in to my believe that I am such a Scorpio.

I am going to be so glad to see my sister tomorrow morning. Now, that is one Scorpio I am going to love spending time with. Although she will be arriving at 7.00 am. It's worth getting up for. She is, afterall, my sister. And a Scorpio. And shares the same birthday with me.

She's going away on a missionary trip for the weekend. Tom and Jerri has been doing enough good karma for them to have good karma coming back to them. And I am glad my mom, my dad, my sis and my bro-in-law are doing enough, to have enough in their life.

And this is not about the lifting-skirt-checking-gender kinda Gina thing, hey, we all played a part in that too. WE LAUGHED. But I'd really like to think that sometimes I do enough, to be so blessed.

Thank you Gina, for putting up with my mom when I couldn't.
Thank you James, for putting up with my mom and me, when I couldn't.
Thank you Ujin, for temptation and eye-opening experiences.
Thank you FiBi, for entertainment by being so mangkuk.

Thank you Mom, for being patient. And in believing.
Thank you Dad, for for the dreams you had for me.
Thank you Jerri, we're so bonded.
Thank you Tom, you're so funny.
Thank you Steve.

My mom

We use this at home. I don't see much of my mom.

This morning, I found this on the dining table. And I find it so cute.

She really is the sweetest thing!
I tell her whenever I can, that I am blessed I have her.

Because!

This is a dedicated posting.

Just because you honourably posted a comment on my blog, here it is. The pic I caught of you, and Mae and Jesse.

Pic taken on 10th April 2005.

And don't live in denial. You're The Filth Element! It's expected!

And Gina, list please!!

Hey, I miss you guys.

Rose Rose I Love You

Rose & HS in Osaka. Train going to Osaka Castle.

James - The Filth Element

I met James, Gina and Ujin when I was 17 or 18. We were IRC addicts. And we keep nocturnal hours. Ask James how he lost his 4WD and he will tell you it was me. (ha ha)

I went to work today, and as usual, with my gargantuan Pod, I found some music that was from way back. It was Starship. Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now.

With me, everything is association. And with this song, I remember The Filth Element hates it. HATES it.

James came to KL when he was 19 close to 20, from Taiping. And he met Constance in college. Constance, don't call her Connie. She hates it. HATES it.

This song, was their song.

And there is the one that was difficult. The one that was painful. The (many) one that he keeps in touch with. She was his forever woman. (Mae and Gina is not reading this, I hope)

Oh well, although it's someone elses' story, still somehow, is my association with this song.

There was more songs on the gargantuan Pod for today. But that's another story for another time.

Ya, dry pan mien this weekend sounds good. Let's do it.

Standing

The week we went to Labuan/KK. We had 3 cameras. My mom, Jules and me. And we became pro at taking our own pix. Just the two of us.

You probably noticed the dark circles under our eyes. It was from many heavy nights.

We were up till 10 pm the night before, try to nap a little, then woke up at 2.30 am for the semi final WC match, and sleep again at 6.00 am. Only to be woken up by my mom at 8.30 am. Then onwards to breakfast and serious sunning. We begged my parents to give us that two hours just to sun, before heading out to town.

This picture was taken after breakfast, after sunning, hungry and sleep-deprived, heading out to town. For some food. (not deprived of)

The ritual repeated itself as it was the semi finals. And for it not the sunning we both had done, we would be very tired and unhappy about the trip. Hey, as it is, Jules played the replacement husband. Who could blame her?

At least now it's a shared joke. And for some sharing, Confucious say, he who stands on toilet is high on pot.

The Cat

This is Rose' puppy's cat cushion.

Rose is Tom's sister who resides in Singapore. Rose whose husband retired her two years earlier. Rose who was a senior stewardess with SIA and married a pilot. Rose who sits at home and spends her time with her puppy and knitting, and sometimes playing beads stringing up beautiful bracelets and rings. (like the ones my sister and I have, and my office too) Rose who could walk an entire day in Singapore without feeling tired. Rose who could just window shop and has very little temptation. Rose who volunteer help at the hospital twice a week. Rose who has had enough modelling days and travelling sky-high. Rose whose husband shot a clip of her, on her very last flight when he retired her. Rose who asked her husband, HS, "Chicken or beef, honey? Today, I think you'd like the chicken" And the people around HS was horrified she spoke that way to him. LOL.

Rose who gets online and chat with me non-stop and then goes, "Oh, Boss is home! I have to catch you again" Rose and HS who just came back from a week in Osaka. Rose who takes beautiful pictures. Rose who makes you roll on floor literally when going karaoke with her. Rose who makes you feel like that's the woman you want to be. Rose who is closer to 6 feet tall. Rose whose legs goes on forever. Rose whose sense of humour is undiminishing.

This morning, as I came to work and passing by window displays. And I remember Rose. I remember telling Rose that window shopping opens windows of opportunities. And Rose said, never been her thang. Don't need it. Don't want it.

And I remember going into this shop with Chairwoman. It cannot be that everything looks beautiful from here, we have to go in there and check it out. That eliminates all other wants.

And we did. We went in there. Tried on close to 20 pieces of clothing, and walked out empty handed. And satisfied.

Eliminating that, was satisfying curiosity.

And today, I walked past that same window and I don't have that curiousity. I don't feel like anything at all. Well, I had a delivered Chai. I went in search of Chairwoman and didn't find. I didn't blog yesterday, also didn't feel like.

Every day now for me is a "don't feel like".

The Boys

The Boys were probably my most talked about topic in September, besides my never-failing-to-depress weekend posts.


For the trip, we took the Gen 2. And in the Land of Cheap DVDs, I didn't manage to find Entourage. But while I was searching for Entourage... I found... many other delights.

That was how I managed to stay on the floor over the weekend.

Saturday night plans were too flimsy. It was raining outside. And the floor was the best place to be. I wasn't up to company. Sometimes, it's not true what they say of Misery.

The week will be long, and the weekend, with public appearances scheduled, won't be any different. Maybe a different mantra as I try to be Nancy. A different mantra as I try to be Bree.

8 days to go.

"Keep smiling!"

While some are collecting BMWs...

Life is Murphy.

While some are collecting BMWs by the series, the rest of us (okay, me) is trying to prove I don't need a loan to get a loan.

But you know what, I'm proving I don't need liaibility and have more liabilities.

Obligations vs Responsibilities

There is no right, and there is no winning. Only what is appropriate.
(I know I sound like Zero. Shut up already)

I don't know what bug got me, but it's got me thinking a lot. And blogging even more than I have in the last 2 weeks. All in a day. This is scary.

Perhaps it takes losing my voice to have the drive to voice it all out and vent in this outlet.

It was a better option. I should have stayed on the floor.

Monday Moanday

Mondays are when slow starters like me drag our feet and takes hours to jump start.

I miss having my children talking to me only after I finish my coffee.
I miss my children. Period.

I miss practising my aiming. And I miss scaring them from around the corner.
I miss having lunch with partner-in-crime Rooney. I miss my one key to open a hundred doors. I miss going for the vertigo effect at the Penthouse.

I miss walking down the staircase every evening.

I miss terrorising my children.

I miss being able to call something my own.

I miss having 2 hour lunches. I miss bringing house tours. I miss my Butlers.

What I do not miss is, Helen. I also do not miss the big G of the cock. I also do not miss JL.

But having a team of children, really does make up for having to put up with JL and the big G of the cock.


Most of all the things that I don't miss, with a lot of hatred and revenge, was Housekeeping. The never ending terrors of Housekeeping. The never ending head-to-head I had with Housekeeping. The magic disappearance of the Asahi newspaper of my quietly-loudly odd couple. The tiring lack of consistency of Housekeeping, that, I did not miss. I do not miss.

But as he is apprentice of mighty ET. And I have had enough heartaches and fights with him in ET's office. That, I really do not miss. (Or maybe ET's leally leally, LOL!)


At 9.00 pm, still in the office. Taking an hour to try to complete this posting. I am still trying to jump start my Moanday.

Means to an end... Means to an end.. Means to an end..
Means to a destination office... Means to an end.

It's all about conditioning. Sometimes, about delivery of my Chai.

Work on little successes with this means to an end shit. Focus on silver linings. Anything. Do what I have to.

Keep the faith, Shine, keep the faith.

With so many mantras, it's amazing I am still trying to wake up to a better day. And it's night already.

Early bird catches the worm. I guess I'll be the earliest, if my target is tomorrow.

*Cough* *Cough*

I came back to the office on Friday like how cob-webbed my blog has been, that was what I had for lungs.

I went to the doctor's, pale from all the running after my nose. My lungs are clear, it's my breathing that sucks. We have no idea why I am wheezing.

I left the office during lunch hour, with a frown.

It hurts not breathing right. It hurts more not being able to speak.

As soon as I stepped out of the office, the phone calls and sms started to come in. What now? I've already got back on a Friday to close payroll so all of us does not have to eat dust for the next month. As is, my lungs are clear, we don't know why I'm wheezing, I could do without the dust.

I spent the rest of the Friday on the floor. And keep getting up to pump I.V of honey into my body.

I spent the evening with my sister, both of us on the floor.

On Saturday, I dragged myself out. Doing some errands with Jules. What I didn't expect was the me being Xenon lights for the day. And she could have told me. I would have spared myself the fact of going out with Jules trying to get my feel-good back. I was home by 5.00 pm and was on the floor.

Tom and Jerri arrived when it was raining the heaviest. And they arrived in their cute scooter.
Jerri and I stayed on the floor while everything was going on around us.


We ate and we talked about my recent "holiday" and distractedly watched the first season of Grey's Anatomy.

I stayed on the floor with Jerri when he had his coffee. And I continued to stay on the floor with Jerri and I was so glad that my sister is right there and didn't decide to leave till I thought it was safe. That's what sisters are for, right.

Sunday was long and measured by countless blanks in the day, as well as nights. Only other counter I had was the numbers of episodes I got through the day of Grey's Anatomy Season 2. I stayed there and no where else. I was permanent fixture. My dad had to move me.

It was a good weekend, if I'm living Meredith's life. Or Burke's. Or McDreamy's. All in all, it was a good weekend to put on weight.

I left no time for idle thinking and self-bashing.

I want that strong Shine back too.

Away

Away.

It's about time. Although it's vague if I'll be sunning, numbing or crying. Don't know yet.

Either or, at least away from office.

The weekend

After we spent time finishing the box of chocolates we bought for Boss, we left. And Qert offered to drive me home. (well, he didn't have a choice. I won't shut up)

The drive home, in Herbie, was wonderful. It was a "look at me" car. And it was amazing. We talked. And he made me realise, I have to grow up. And I have to make myself Nancy.

"Do you know how much you've blogged? It's going to be your life's work. And that's sad, man. Sad."

I know. And it is. This, is my outlet.

I spent Saturday with people around me. And didn't leave time for idle thoughts. Jules dragged me out of the house. I spent time with people and feel normal again.

Jules, my sef-appointed spokesperson, my replacement husband, my shopping buddy, my cousin, my friend, my companion. All just one person.

Chairwoman said it right. It should have been just Jules. And my life, would have so much less shit.

Kimi starting at pole position. The weekend is not for the worse yet.

Keep the faith, Shine. Keep the faith...


And I don't know how long I'll be able to keep the chant.

Boss - with signature frown

I heard yesterday from Steve that Boss with signature frown, is lying in the hospital again.

The thing about Qert is, I don't PM him. And today, popping up on my screen, "BOOKIE!!" Only one person calls me that.

So I told him about Boss. And we want to make a trip. Like we did last year. But this year, Boss is in some faraway place (for me) And he's going to make me take a trip on the commuter. *@#&)*$

Qert said he'll call Boss and get back to me. Neither one of the nasty boys did.

I called Boss when I ran out of the office to get a hot drink. It was going to pour on me, and I knew it. But I went anyway. And having Boss on the line. Talking to him still pisses me off. But you know what, he's not my Boss anymore. *evil glint*

I'll make that trip tomorrow. One trainride to Subang. And I'm complaining. This time next year, we'd be commuting daily from Subang. God grant me more patience.

Anyway, if it's a trainride away, I will do it.

Boss was talking to me about irony. And I was talking to him about karma. LOL. He's back. The hospital must be sick and tired of him already.

"Well, Sunny, can't chat. I have to get out of here. I've got work to do and children to feed!"

Sure, Boss. You're so funny. And I of course, still enjoy your sense of humour.

His hyterical laugh came on.

Boss, I'm so gonna look forward to see you tomorrow so I can slap you myself.

Reading That S*hit

Qert's who's blog I linked from mine, has a habit of back-dating his postings.
Yesterday, I almost gave up trying to bother in catching up on his motionless blog. But I clicked the link, and ended up in Taiping, water baptism and being slain. (almost)

So I haven't felt like blogging lately. But I never back-date my postings, okay. One, I did back-date my Father's Day posting. Only because I wasn't in town during Father's Day. And my dad cashed his cheque. He's not my mom. (??)

This morning, at 10 to 8.00 am, I received a "rise and shine!!" Oh no. Dedicated ring tones. Freaky shit.

And no, there is not going to be a Hollywood Blockbuster entitling your appropriate nick name.
And yes, so what if I like JLo songs and next comes Britney?

And I am going to have a new Pod.

Yes, I'm very cute. I couldn't agree more.

Throwing my guts out

It's not the can of Nescafe Latte Sharon bought for me.

It's not the triple shot grande latte Flip bought for me.

My heart will not stop pumping rapidly. And I just want to throw up.

Sometimes, I am amazed at what I can do. (I don't know why, for a narcissist)

Popping Up

I know Glam Queen is away for a while. Hey, I booked her flights. So I know I was going to have space to breath for a bit. And if there was any popping up, it would be Florence or Fion.

But popping up half to 6...

Nice Day : Enjoying what?

The article

Nice Day : yes, indeed! U did enjoy it too?

no

Nice Day : Oh I am surprised!

i don't know why and i won't ask why

Nice Day : don't ask...

okay.

Nice Day : what's up?! nothing to read today?
Nice Day : on the blog, i mean.

no.
not interested.

Nice Day : You don't sound like yesterday

yes.

Nice Day : You sound more like (:@)

yes.

Nice Day : Keep smiling!

sure.

Nice Day : not talkative today... I guess it's like calling (mp) and saying : I do not talk to you.

^want.
I do not want to talk to you.

Nice Day : Yeah, right! Thank you!




Now go, there's nothing to read here. I'm not in the mood for blogging.

Boys

Okay. So my first infection of boys was ... the weekend there was like 5 episodes of Entourage back to back. And it was a Sunday. And I stayed on the floor.

Next.

This morning, on the way to work, I was reminded by my almost 18 stuff. LOL. Backstreet Boys album, Backstreet's Back. And I listed them down and had the songs with me right now.

With the means... I intend to have these songs in my brick. I should have my own music, if I'm going to go join them swimming... and preferbly ... some top hits on my Shuffle.

Unfortunately

I was informed this morning that "Finally" was a wrong choice of word. The word I am looking for is, "Unfortunately".

Uh. Okay. Unfortunately, it is. Unfortunately, it will be.

Steve - Dead. Finally!

So what happened was I was with Boss. And the dedicated ring tone came on. I know it could only be a text. Not a phone call. He's too far away to be calling.

I took my time getting back to my desk. This dedicated ring tone lasts for a minute.

When I picked up my phone and read the text, Steve Irwin died.

Finally.

There has been so many rumours going around for the 4th time this year? (possibly?) This poor guy was cursed into an early death.

He's a nice guy. And if CNN reports it, then it's true. And if I receive a dedicated ring tone sms in the evenings, that could be an unconfirmed info, but CNN says true.

A little bit more credibility for you then. Ha ha.

A Shoulder To Cry On

I'm going to be cheezy. This is Tommy Page, I was 10.

Life is full of lots of up and downs,
And the distance feels further when you're headed for the ground,
And there’s nothing more painful than to let you're feelings take you down,
It's so hard to know the way you feel inside,
When there's many thoughts and feelings that you hide,
But you might feel better if you let me walk with you by your side,

And when you need a shoulder to cry on,
When you need a friend to rely on,
When the whole world is gone,
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there,
I'll be your shoulder to cry on,
I'll be there,
I'll be a friend to rely on,
When the whole world is gone,
You won't be alone, cause I'll be there.

All of the times when everything is wrong
And you're feeling like there's no use going on
You can't give it up
I'll help you work it out and carry on

Side by side, With you till the end
I'll always be the one to firmly hold your hand
no matter what is said or done
our love will always continue on

Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on
Everyone needs a friend to rely on
When the whole world is gone
You won't be alone cause I'll be there (ooh)
I'll be your shoulder to cry on
I'll be there (I’ll be there)
I'll be your friends to rely on
when the whole world was gone
you won't be alone
cause I'll be there (ooh)
You’ll have my shoulder to cry on
I'll be there (I’ll be there)
I’ll be the one to rely one
And when the whole world is gone
You won’t be alone
Cause I’ll be there!

And when the whole world is gone
You'll always have my shoulder to cry on....

Last Night

I went home and stayed alone. Glad to finally catch Whose Line Is It Anyway? on normal tv.

The last time I watched Whose Line, it was my grey period. And suddenly, everything was from my grey period.

But that didn't stop me from enjoying the wits of Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles & Colin Mockerie.

Thank you for a beautiful end to a lonely Friday evening.

By Your Side

For : Shine
Here's to your continued perverse joy indulgence. If it makes you happy...

you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think i'd leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you want
and if only you could see into me
ha ah ah ah ah ah

oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me

when you're on the outside baby and you can`t get in
i will show you you're so much better than you know
when you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
i will find you darling and i will bring you home

and if you want to cry
i am here to dry your eyes
and in no time
you'll be fine

you think i'd leave your side baby
you know me better than that
you think id leave you down when you're down on your knees
i wouldn't do that
i'll tell you you're right when you want
and if only you could see into me
ha ah ah ah ah ah

oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
when you're low
i'll be there
by your side baby

oh when you're cold
i'll be there
hold you tight to me
oh when you're low
i'll be there
by your side baby

From The Heart

I started this morning, on the wrong foot. More like, wrong tune. There was no pace.

It was Sade, Lovers Rock. First song, By Your Side.

I was introduced to this song late, at 21. I was introduced to a lot of things late, but this song, was part of my education of The Cure, Band of Brothers, Casablanca, and it was my "Kissing-A-Fool-Grey" period in my life.

I carried a lot of things from that phase into today. I still enjoy watching Casablanca, with a pinch of salt and very witty conversations, I could forgive Casablanca. And I didn't regret my grey period.

This song played at night, when I tried falling asleep in a foreign bed.

Unfortunately with me, there is a perverse joy in celebrating the past with certain amount of guilt and more so, pain.

But it was this person, everytime grey comes around. It was this person, 2 years later, delivering overdue parking pass to Concierge, I didn't want to see. It was this person, so solely linked me then to Uncle Pat. Small world going smaller.

I switched music, it's a huge Pod. Certainly something in there could work for me. But on this Friday so close to the weekend, I didn't want anything to work for me.

More Sade.
Everything But The Girl.
Ladies & Gentlemen : For The Heart - George Michael

Even Justin couldn't pick me up.


Some people should be shot. Singers, songwriters... If only everything was fiction and it was as easy as having Marisol dead so I could have H. Ha ha.

Stop Reading The CSI Miami Guide Episode Reviews. Because that's not helping either, reads :
Rio
The episode picks up straight where "One of Our Own" left off. Horatio and Delko have arrived in Rio de Janeiro to hunt down Antonio Riaz, who ordered the hit on Marisol. The problem is that Horatio can't stop thinking about his late wife, and Brazilian authorities aren't being very cooperative.

Excellent. He cannot stop thinking about Marisol.

Ha ha ha. So what if she's dead? He's not going to be yours anyway.


Same prayer every night: please give me strength to accept the things I cannot change.

Some Things Are Very Simple

Everything But The Girl.