Tears...

I know it's that time of the month when crystals turns into tears. I was angry and upset with Chairwoman this morning. Come lunch time, it wasn't her my anger and frustration was directed to. It was someone else.

Call it bad investment, call it bad judgement. It's just me. I make bad choices and I make mistakes. Repeatedly; I never learn. You see, I remember I said I will be back and I will be done with the cheek of the boy who did this to me. Guess what, I did it again.

Chairwoman called me this afternoon expecting to hear me yell at her, instead of that, she heard my shaky voice and came over to see me. The first thing she did was hug me. And she smoothen my hair. It was such a comfort....

I sat her down through it and spoke to her with choked voice. She loves me, I truly believe that. You know there's been one constant person who has been there for all my tears in the past few months. It's her.

I have not been tearing for anything else (apart from once with my mentor over my job) but it's mainly for this person. I don't even know why I bother again and again.

I told her what I did and she said, "Oh no... Not again..!!"

Yes, I did it again.

She held my hand and keep rubbing my shoulders.

I'm sick and tired of being right here again. I don't know how not to be here. I don't know how to get back to where I was before. I don't know how to stop obssessing. I want to be me again. I want that strong Shine back!

I sent Chairwoman an sms reading : Thank you for keeping me strong. I love you.

Her reply : Love you too. Always.

This is the person who made me loose sleep last night. The one person I was up since 3.00am worrying about. I came to work looking dreadful and the news delivered to me over my late lunch was even more disasterous. My mascara ran, my eye liner disappeared and I look like I'm very very tired, or so Mich said.

I went to see the doctor to get some mood stabilizers. I need them. It is not just psychological anymore. It's phycho. I'm psyched. I'm caught in this mental game I don't know how to gain control back. It's been 6 months since this job and I've seen the doctor 4 times to get mood stabilizers and sleeping pills.

I either need a new job, or I need a serious breakaway to re-generate. I cannot keep doing this to myself and I cannot keep letting these things get in my way.

First it was the boy and it's still the boy. Un-obssess me and re-obssess me to a new obssession.

Friday is around the corner, I have a day planned with mom and Jerri and my hairstylist, Eve. I will spend the rest of the evening watching Horatio. I have yet to begin watching CSI : Miami Season 2.

I know I said it last night that I will stop all obssession in picking up the telephone. I have been week so far. With the installation of the telephone on my desk, I get even weaker. I called twice and left an sms. I then called Chairwoman and told her what I did. She will forgive me this one time and reminded me firmly to STOP.

Please remind me to STOP obssesing. It's about time I re-focus back to me. Me. Shine.