Happy Father's Day

I went on a trip to be in the water. I love my swimming suit. And I love being in the sun. And I love being in the water. But, I couldn't swim. But that didn't stop me from pretending I can.

When we were on the boat out, I chose a seat towards the sun, the wind through my hair, big-ass pair of sunglasses on my face and water that kept splashing up at me and I giggled so much.

Throughout the ride, with the strong wind against my ear, it was comforting to be able to hear my own thoughts. And I was thinking of my dad. Neither me or my sis was near him, Jerri Berry was in Penang. I was on the east coast. We've already had his dinner planned. We've already had his cheque written out. Before we went on the trip.

I was thinking about some of the decisions he has made to raise me as the person I am today. I bet he didn't know I was going to get married and still live with him. He didn't see it coming. This is the man who instilled fear in me for getting on a bicycle. This is the man who psycho-ed us into not believing in headaches. This is the man I know let loose with me, more than my sister. This is the man, who looked at me and see .. a son.

This is the child, he had. Who loved being on the horizontal bar. The one who came home more injured that having ride a bike. His choice. I was only proving to him the difference between indoor and outdoor activities.

This is the man who made grills on a second floor balcony. And when we went visiting, asked kind hosts to have the sliding doors locked. Because he knew I had a fascination with heights. I love the vertigo effect.

I had time to reflect on myself, the person I have become. The effect my dad have on me. And the cat and mouse game we still play with the remote. And how he always threatens to have Astro unsubscribed. And how unfilial me always threaten to withdraw his allowances.

Such is the game we play. And I can only hope I raise better children. My parents did everything they could for me, to be a better person. The most important thing they wanted to instill into me was these values and I could tell right and wrong. Then with lots of prayers and much needed silent tears from them and me, I did my venture and came home burnt.

I was still in college, I remember my mom raising her hand at me. And I stood there deserving it. She would hit me until she broke down and cry. And I would be standing there, defiant. She would then confiscate my mobile phone and make me go to my room. Time and again, I do such silly stupid things. And my mom moved all my stuff out into the staircase and said I could move out. They don't want me anymore. Where was my dad when all these was happening? He couldn't bear to see me.

I said to her, if anyone is moving out, it's her. It's not so easy to get rid of me.





Don't say things you don't mean. And don't say things that you know hurt you. Everyday when I look at my parents, I hurt and remember what kind of person I have been. And how amazingly flexible they have been with forgiveness. And I wonder if I am ever capable of that.

I know I still go to her lap and cry. And she still hold me like I belong there. And never asked. Never breath a word about why I am crying on her lap. No complaints. No questions. No judgements. Just her child, rightfully in her embrace.

And I still haven't brought myself to be able to forgive myself for the ugly things I have said to them before.

I have amazing parents. And if I ever had a child like me, I would have wished myself into the ground.

So right here, I am breathing the breeze and the sun on my face. When the boat came to a stop, I took a look around. I took 5 minutes and many many deep breaths. And with that, I went with a brave heart and strong will. It's going to be cold, what the heck, I jumped anyway.

I'm going to go home and hug my mom. If I have a chance, rest my head on her lap.


Happy Father's Day.

-Updated on 22nd June-