Post Birthday Depression...

The black cloud is still hanging over me. I don't know if it started off as a lousy birthday, or if it is because it's also post-bleeding depression. I just haven't been happy lately.

I picked a fight with Steve on Tuesday. Resulted in me crying my eyes out. All because I didn't want to have my company phone on, and he couldn't find my bookie SIM card. Just as we were yelling at each other, my communication expert called. Steve picked up the phone rudely.

I am so riled up and tensed because of work. I only wanted 2 days, with Steve. Blissfully away from office. Two days. It's too much to ask for. It simply is too much to ask for.

We went to catch Corpse Bride. My kind of Tim Burton animated movie. I thought it was rather my kind of thing. The end had me crying. Maybe because I've been oily lately. I am so glad I didn't share the couch or gone to Starbucks to stare at him. It's vulnerable days like this that would have me crystalising in front of him. Weak in his presense... Yet the last thing I want him to think of me is weak.

It always feels empty with him not being in town. I never hang at the couch without him. I never crystalise when someone else says, "Keep Smiling". It only happens with him.

Life has been such a curveball lately. People I used to know turned into strangers, strangers turned into people I shared a moment with. With everything going topsy turvy, Chairwoman is on graveyard shift. For 8 days! It certainly doesn't feel very reliable to me. All that anchored me, is not there... No longer there...

Dependability. We all have that issue. And right now, the issue with dependability is, I need this job more than it needs me. We bought a place that we will be bleeding through our nose to pay off.

I haven't seen my new best friend in ages, we took turns not informing each other that we're away from office. Today when I saw her, she hugged me like there was no tomorrow. I almost crystalised. What kept me grounded is, when I looked into my purse, my Happy Pill is still there. I still have supply of my Happy Pill....

One thing is certain, no matter what life throws at me, it will never be as bad as it ever was with Monkey around. I will be able to deal with it tougher. (Minus Monkey)

Don't get me wrong, he still irritates me, to high stinking heavens. Maybe it was because of how he has no remorse. Somewhere along the line, I hope someone thoroughly breaks his heart and maybe then he will finally understand how it feels... Revenge is sweet, but it doesn't necessary has to be mine... I will wait around to see, something tells me I will outlive him =)

Someone told me the other day that I am competitive. Being able to tell me that to my face proves that I'm truly not, isn't it? I think it was Steve. He's afraid that the children will have my spirit in being competitive. I guess it is up to us, as parents to monitor this and maintain it healthy, right?

Parenting is not something everybody can do. I'm amazed my mom raised two girls. I would have died if I raised me.

Steve has been the most supportive and reliable person to ever enter my life. I am so glad I have him. Despite being able to ruffle me up, he cracks me up as well. I am so glad I've found The One.