Sunshine

"Hi. How's the weather over there?"

Oh, it's nice. Occasionally cloudy and raining in the evening.

"Does it rain in the afternoon?"

No. (LIAR)

"Is there sunshine?"

Yes. But she's out for lunch.



LOL.
Yes, this is the work of my resort island. LOL.

By asking

Means you know. Whether you want to or not.

Sometimes, it's not by choice.

I was on Skype with Qert when I said, "I have a confession"

His reply : Do I want to know this?

You have no choice, it's coming through to your phone.

Qert manage to stay indifferent for about 8 lines of the chat and then popped it on me. And I felt like a horrible person forcing this on Qert. I feel horrible already, so feeling like a horrible person was achieving something else.


Yeah, so Qert knows. And he's probably gonna still be here and around when this confession goes away.


I miss my children so much. I miss having a sense of fulfillment. I miss having a feeling of belonging.

This afternoon as I went walking, alone, I called my new best friend. She was crazy happy. She's never gonna come back here again. I had to call someone, I had to. At least if I fall, my next best friend would know to call someone. I thought against risking it and went to look for Flo. It's safer being with someone else. At least I know Flo would have dragged me by the hair if I fainted. :þ

MEATy

My meat came back today. Like the crap on my thumb, aptly named "Shine's Crap" the meat came back named "Shine's Meat".

I wanted to slap Qert. But he was in Herbie and I couldn't bring myself to. So what I did was, I snapped a picture.

Today, I received delivery of chai and card reader. I thought I was gonna be able to blog some pictures. I was thinking of Aidan. But no such luck. My slots are not.. uh.. legible. Or whatever the reason. I gave Chin The Pink a call. And he said, "My services ar? Subject to availability!! Call me tomorrow."

Okay.

Great. I have this swanking new card reader and still not able to blog pictures.

I have my meat back and no earphones.

I have my "maybe" eliminated this morning for this month, and still feel like crap.

I have Qert going, "Do you want me to start?" No. I signed up for that lecture already - when he heard that I was still talking about my thang.

He offered help. In forms of 16 CDs.

Well, thank you. But I don't have space in Pod for 16 CDs. And yes, two copies please if we're to make this work.

Qert probably knew better than anyone how anything affects me. He was there when there was monkey. He was there when there was ex-sponsor. He was there was there was lots of work and no Boss. He was there when there was Zero who terrorised us all even at supper. He was there. The entire 2005 stretched me. And I was looking for a way out.

Means to an end, girl.. Means to an end..

How can things be so much more complicated now when it's supposed to be so much easier?

No fun with no guilt feelings

You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

I sang Alleluia in the choir
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
I had one more stupid question

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

What I learned I rejected but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did

Forgiven - Alanis Morissette

Sexy Back

When I first heard this song, my breath caught.

His first line : I'm bringing sexy back.

Could there be a more breath-catching sentence?

I'm a dancing queen. And I cannot stay and cannot keep still. The place was not really my thang. Neither was it Cat's or Jules'. I don't think either of them has seen me go out to places like this and lost rhythm. Because there was only one place I lost my rhythm. It was the night of the annual dinner last year.


I'm not certain if I would be returning to Saturday Night venue. I'm not used to not being a dancing queen. And no dance floor.

When I got home, I stayed in the balcony while I polluted and turned on this song on my phone, all 2.30 mins of it and let the rhythm take me for a while.

[Verse 1: Timberlake]

I’m bringing sexy back;
them other boys don’t know how to act.
I think it’s special, what’s behind your back?
so turn around and I’ll pick up the slack.

Dirty babe, you see these shackles;
baby I’m your slave.
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave;
it’s just that no one makes me feel this way.

[Chorus: Timbaland]

Come here girl, go ahead be gone with it,
Come to the back, go ahead be gone with it,
VIP, go ahead be gone with it,
Drinks on me, go ahead be gone with it,
You see what you working with, go ahead be gone with it,
You make me smile, go ahead be gone with it,
Come here child, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on, go ahead be gone with it,
Get your sexy on.

[Verse 2: Timberlake]

I’m bringing sexy back;
them motherfuckers don’t know how to act.
Come let me make up for the things you lack,
cause you’re burning up, I’ve got to get it fast.

Dirty babe, you see these shackles;
baby I’m your slave.
I’ll let you whip me if I misbehave;
it’s just that no one makes me feel this way.

[Chorus: Timbaland]

[Verse 3: Timberlake]

I’m bringing sexy back;
them motherfuckers watch how I attack.
If that’s your girl, better watch your back,
cause she'll burn it up for me, and that’s a fact.

Crazy Weekend

I had a crazy weekend. It started with an early Friday night followed by wake up call by early morning alarm. I couldn't get back to sleep. I tried, but couldn't. I was going to have a heavy Saturday night. I thought I needed the sleep.

Mom dropped me off at DHL and I had the most pleasant customer service with a petite girl named Pinn. I thought it was appropriate. I sent out the package. And it didn't fail to amuse me, I didn't mind paying the price. Pinn was pleasant to look at and great to speak to. I told her that, thanked her and left with a smile.

I was at my appointment by 12 noon. The girls prove to be a returning factor, but yes, old dogs and new trix. Plus, I'm a creature of habit.

By the time I was done, my dad was hungry and so was I. Neither of us ate anything at home. So blessed that home was close to where I am. And they were with me by the time I found us a table. Bliss. Banana leaf rice! Nothing could beat Rajoo's but this was good already.

I spent the afternoon away from my sister, unplanned. And she spent it doing my educational movie weekend watching Lord Of War. By the time I got home, she was still glued to the tv. Sparing her and myself the 20 Questions, I went hiding in my room.

On and off on text with Jules, received two cancellation requests, and I was still lying around in bed.

Daphne and Jules came over and we headed out. For this much looked forward Saturday night.

The girls bought me gifts and I thanked each with a hug. We had dinner and onwards.

It was a good evening because I didn't expect anything out of it. I didn't anticipate anything of it and I kept it at zero expectations and glad I still got to be myself with the girls. I wasn't holding anything back. I polluted when I wanted to pollute and I laughed when I wanted to laugh.

Girls, wish me luck. I am going to find us a window seat!

Jules : Good luck!

Daphne : Good luck. Here, hug my feet for good luck.

*o_O* Okay okay. Bring!

Daphne : Crazy woman!! Get away from me!

Cat : I'll join you.

Uh... But I'm going to the loo.

Cat : But you don't know where it is. I'll bring you.

Okay...

From the loo...

Okay. Now wish me luck.

Cat : Good luck!

I hate it when people say Good Luck. I miss Chooey. She'd had winked and said "gluckst".

When I got back to the girls..

Okay. Let's go. I did it!!

Jules : COOL!!

Daphne : Okay. Where?

Cat : *skeptic* Err.. Really? Come on!!

Yes. Really. COME. ON.

Cat : Err.. *laughs* You know him right??!!

No.

Cat : *rolls her eyes*

COME.

And you'd know who had most of the fun.

The skeptic.

Cute

You know what's cute... Boss' two boys.

I spent the evening, after 7 cars found Boss' place, with Mrs. Boss and Aidan. Aidan's the elder one and he is the one who loves all the attention. Keenan, the younger big bully, runs at any flash of any camera, terrified.

If I have my card reader, I will be posting pictures of Aidan. He spent all night indulging me with my need-for-flash. He even had Jedi poses for me. And his side-profile poses. So adoringly cute.

Keenan on the other hand, was too busy trying to avoid me. Even candid pictures I took of him made him cry and hide behind Mommy.

The children, Boss', was the saving grace of the evening. I'm glad I made that trip.

Cold

This office, since decorated with a humidifier, probably made everyone felt better. Except the one person whose voice has been robbed since Monday.

Karma. And yet I'm saying it. I'm being mean.

I guess I've had enough over the last few days to keep dishing out. Everybody knows my blog is my venting outlet.

There's been so many things I could write about, wanted to write about, but my brains and my fingers are as numb as my thoughts.

One good thing, I caught JT over early Tuesday morning. Lousy movie, brilliant JT.

Pink Elephant

My pink elephant arrived today. Boxed, ribboned, carded and messenger-delivered.

I have been talking about it. But did not expect it to arrive quite so soon.

This is the first gift for this year. Maybe give JMA a call so he could send me another package this year from Labuan, with chocolates, not gift-wrapped in butterflies. ;-)

Thank you, for the advance arrival of the pink elephant.

That thoughtful gesture has been the only highlight of today.

My sister is going to be so jealous!

It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter that you bought a Mac and now have to buy a new printer.

Hey, the rest of us small people have actual problems to deal with.


As long as I am being paid to be inconvenienced, I will have this problem to deal with. That I am the messanger of all bad news. That this is the reason why I am around in the first place.

No, I'm not looking to be liked. I am only hoping to be spared. Not so lucky.

The weekend is still upon me. It's Monday. But it doesn't go away. The weekend doesn't go away until Thursday. Maybe then, I would have something normal. But it would be the weekend again. I cannot look forward for it to be gone. I cannot begin to say how glad I will be just to be spared.

Spared the tears. Spared the pain. Spared the circumstances.

I'm in the trappings already, like I told my mom and my sis yesterday. But you know what's the difference?

This is my life. Not theirs. They cannot live it for me. They cannot make the decisions for me. If they could, my mom would have spared me of this. So would my sis. There is enough love going around from the both of them for me to think I could actually heal.

Yes, I guess this is what they call karma.

[Pause]

Last night I spent an hour in front of the tv watching an episode of CSI Miami that I have already watched.

And the expectant lines and scenes of the episode come to me like how painful a well written Alanis Morissette song is.

Delko and Horatio was standing on the steps of the precinct. It was dusk. Delko expressed how he felt about his "boss" seeing his little sister.

"You have to know, she's a lot sicker than she looks"

Horatio turns. Camera angle from the left. He puts on his sunglasses. He does his signature hands on hips and said, "We [pause] are going to be alright"

I love the way Horatio speaks with relavant pauses in his sentences. And when he said that, Marisol was the luckiest, possibly, happiest girl on earth. And then I realise again and again, patience, girl.. Patience... She's gonna die anyway!

Yes, jealousy.

I was told that Scorpios are passionate about being jealous.

Away and Empty

Nothing all day yesterday and all morning today. That's how much I don't feel like blogging.

I have this hurt that I don't know how to begin putting into words. And I've been angry most of today. Even Qert texted, "Angry bookie. Erm. OK"

Ender's Game

Great book.

They should make books that way. With sequels and prequels.

Thank you, Jin. For the Endertainment. At least now I know what's happened. Mangkuk Shine started from Book 3, Xenocide.

LOL.

BKT for lunch

It's a Monday. And I was trying to jump-start today. I've been plagued with aching tummy since I got up this morning. And I thought I was just hungry.

Boss is already out for today. I cannot be out too. But I feel like I'm hardly here. I cannot feel any better right now as I was this morning.

I knew when I woke up this morning, he's probably at the airport already. And I sent an sms. He's probably boarding soon too. And I will wait another week.

I cannot deny that this person does indeed help pick up the day, mostly when he is in town. Feels different when he isn't. Maybe next Monday if I have tummy ache I would be able to jump-start my day better. *shrug*

Flo and I headed out to look for pork for lunch and had bkt. Beautiful.

When Jules and I went to KK, we checked in and I was delighted that there was a BKT shop right opposite the hotel. And by opening our curtain, we could look into the shop and find out if it is packed for dinner. Beautiful. I thought of no other food but bkt.

I'll blog a pic of lunch tomorrow.

So it isn't a mystery why I've gone ass-wide and belly-bloated.

Since that filling lunch and brief walk back to office, I feel pink already.

Yesterday on the floor, I watched the last episode I have on CSI Miami Season 4. Episode 15. And silently curse Qert for having the complete Season 4. And silently praying. Wondering why I want to do this. Horatio has Marisol. You can look, but you cannot have.

And over and over again I tell myself, Marisol is going to die... *evil glint*

But it doesn't mean that I win. Horatio will still be thinking of her.

Fiction, girl. Fiction!

Sigh.

Alanis Morissette

Alanis Morissette songs are bad albums to listen to for driving at night. Especially if you're not the one driving.

Under Rug Swept for me, was an album that showed me she mellowed. She was not so spitting wrath anymore. And I like this album least. But since I have not heard this album in a long time, I played it and I sang to it. The words of any Alanis Morissette song is difficult to forget. Even if I didn't like it, there is always a way for me to relate.

It was dark. And I realise that being my father's daughter, I cannot drive at night. I cannot see at night. It freaked me out too much.

But what also freaked me out was, Alanis Morissette is putting Steve to sleep.

How could someone so angry and noisy put anyone to sleep? Or maybe it's just my singing.

Knowing my ah beng, I had to switch to something he could keep awake to. And I have already thrown away most of his ah beng songs. And that means I have to bring it out again : God Is A Girl.

The good thing is, I like the song too. All the while I had Flo with me on text. She wanted me to join the Red Feat this year. And I said I will.

We arrived destination under the bridge half before midnight. And I was hungry again. I finally took Jin-I-wannabe-dorg-next-life's Endertainment with me. I knew the book and I, would be the only thing interesting to each other. I stayed up reading.

And didn't wake up till 11 the next day. The book was too promising. And nothing was going to get in my way. I went to see the dentist. Something I've put off for for a very long time. But it had to be done. And I did. I had two separate appointments over two days. And Father didn't let me off light. He was brilliant and kept me fed most of Friday. I stayed in the kitchen with my book on one hand, and my spoon on the other.

There were two new children in the house. I've never seen them before. And only two kids zipping around the house. Crystal the bully and Yoda the constipated. None of the kids came near me. I was too occupied with my book. And Father wasn't too happy with me reading at the table. But happy that I ate almost everything.

I cannot go back for too long. I would be too fat to leave home after a week. As it is, I can only fit in one pair of pants now. Everything I used to have doesn't fit me anymore.

I had no Pod. I only have Ender. Finisher.

We left on Saturday evening at about half past 4. And that started me thinking. Thinking of Alice.

When we got home, the first thing I did was hug my mom. And then went to my bed. Curled up and waited for my sissy to arrive.

Her text to me : When you coming back la. I miss seeing my sissy la (",)

She arrived at her usual 10++ time on Saturday nights. And we sat around a bit before heading out to the usual Steven's Corner. With my mom.

We got home and started watching Cars. This part, he disappeared. And it was about 3 am. My sissy didn't leave till past 4.


It was the weekend. And I feel like I feel every weekend. Helpless. And entirely beyond me.

Yak Yak Yak

That's my new best friend and I. We took this picture way back when Maju Curry House was still around. We used to go there a lot. Hmm... November 2005.

I called her today. And was on the line with her for 40 mins. She needed someone to talk to. She's lonely. And tired.

She hates it. But she's gotta live with it because she made the decision to.

He's at home today too. But she couldn't be bothered.

"Am I still your new best friend? Or am I your old new best friend?"

Don't be silly. In twelve years time you will still be my new best friend.

"There won't be any new best friend?"

Nope. Just you.

"bla bla bla bla. DO YOU KNOW HE CALLED ME HAGGARD"

Uhmm.. Okay.. But we're not talking about that today. Tell me about Mia.

"Oh Mia!! W'e trying to grow her hair... bla bla bla bla bla"

Do you remember how we met?

"Yes. I do. We scared everybody. And I cannot believe our first conversation was so insane!!"

It was, wasn't it? Rogayah's jaw dropped. And there was no picture of any handsome man.

"I know! But it was Happy Meal, wasn't it?"

Yes. You assumed he was handsome.

"Rogayah must have thought there's really a picture there but she couldn't see it!"

LOL. ROFL.

"Oh. I cannot believe it's been a year. We're so crazy together?!"

Yeah. And I hate it that you're not here. You could always make me laugh. Even when I was angry at you.

"I know. Is that why I love you?"

Yeah. Must be. Doink!

"Keep the calls coming okay. I'm poor. And I won't ask him for. "

Yeah. Got it. No worries okay. I will keep you strong.




Regardless of how I feel today, I think I did something for her with that phone call. We didn't talk about that two subjects we said we won't anymore. And we did talk somemore about taking the children out. Sigh.



This is little Ms. Mia. Princess Mia.

You should watch her dancing to Hey Ya.

One Universal Standard

It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.

There is only one standard and the ONLY standard.

Double Standard.

Everything else is just a toy - Small Soldiers

It;s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

I won't even mention the next line to that song.

My life is too much of Alanis Morissette songs one after another.

In about half an hour, H will be having his one hour every Wednesday night. And he's going to have one of two poses on caption.

Probability 1.
The caption will last for 4 seconds. It is the angle from the floor. Horatio will be kneeling on one knee next to the body with his hands resting on his knee and holding his sunglasses. Alexx is probably also next to him. She will then have a one-liner with the corpse.

Probability 2.
Horatio is on the steps of the precinct. The angle is on his side profile. Usually his right. He stands facing the precinct. He would be having this conversation with his sunglasses on. And he will have one hand on his hip. That Horatio pose from an angle that makes me melt. Yes, this will be shot in the evening. And the sky will be nice and fading.. you know.. like Horatio's hair.

Did I forget to mention that I have a Horatio mobile? I must remember to take a picture and blog it. It was a gift from JC.

Why did Marisol have to get in the picture?

Sigh.

My life vicariously thru Qert. As I remember the Quite Bling.

Sigh.

Jagged Little Pill - Acoustic

Every Alanis Morissette album that I have ever bought was original. Except this one.

I used to zoom right out to Tower and grab it hot on the shelf, the day her albums are realeased in Malaysia.

This evening, after an explosive earful that I gave Rina, I went back to my desk. And started my iTunes from the beginning. Right now, my angry song acoustic version is playing.

And I still have my Under Rug Swept album yet to load. Only just taken it out of my bag now.

I have stayed away from any Alanis Morissette that I could. Glad that Qert didn't have it in the Pod. My association with Alanis Morissette is a special one. One that would allow me to grieve openly. Without my space, I wouldn't attempt to try to listen to Alanis Morissette.

This evening, after giving Rina an earful, I had to retreat to my corner and listen to something that I could wear a frown with.

I was over at Abby's place for the wedding thing about 2 weeks ago. They had this montage done and the silly girl had 3 songs, one of which is Alanis' Perfect. Talk about having a theme song.

Perfect is the least perfect song. But I guess one way or another, we could all relate.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

Hospitals

I hate going to hospitals. Thankfully, my dad raised us with enough fear to keep us from any visits to the hospital. It was this fear that till today, my sis and I don't dare to learn how to ride a bicycle. Yes, this is the same man who plays Godzilla on my snacks and remote controls every Sunday afternoon.

Mrs. M was sent to the hospital this morning for consultations followed by admission. The moment Roger packed her into the car, one of my children called me with the news. I was in my ten o'clock. And I just stopped short. She's alone. Mr. M's just flew off yesterday morning. She was due in Melbourne, but cancelled her trip since she felt so poorly already. And now, the hospital. Ghastly.

Roger was informed to keep me updated, which he did. I called Qert. And Qert said, "What time?" And I knew we were gonna go see her. We have to. It could have been better to make Boss go with us, but he was stuck in more numbers and more corporate shit to deal with from SLIM. After our Penang trip, I realise Boss wasn't many people's favourites. I don't blame Boss. Some people are too quick to judge.

Qert has decided that Herbie is not meant for weekday use now. He's with Frostie on weekdays. Jason Lai stood with me, as we were anticipating for Herbie or Frostie. How could this dude in the posters everywhere in town not look like Jason Lai?!



Jason saw me on Thurs night last week, walking through the lobby to go meet The Ms. And he said, he was looking at the dress. Till he realised it was me. Then he busied himself with a phone call. Jason said to me today, "Let me guess.... It was dinner with The Marshalls."

Yes, doink. Doh!

And in Frostie he's spent all his hours in the jam, thanks to his PSP, watching Horatio play cool. And me, watching Marisol with hatred. Scheming skinny little bitch, Qert called her.

I don't have to resort to name-callings with Marisol. I'm comforted to know that she will die the day she marries H. Karma.

Why haven't I seen this episode before?

"You have only till episode 15"

DAMN. Yes, I remember now. I got conned.

"Yes. When I'm done with this season, I'll give you the CDs. In fact, I'm downloading Season 5 already"

*(@&#(@*&$^~@&~*@_##(*%

Qert and I made it to the hospital with not much banter. He wasn't letting go of my thang. But thankfully Horatio is charismatic and completely drawn his attention for 30 seconds before Qert remembers he was getting angry at me about my thang.

Thank you, H.

Mrs. M was lying there. Hating how this is ending her vacation. That's a brave woman in that ward. I would be bawling my eyes out if I was alone in the country and pale with illness. Roger stayed with her, like Charmaine did until she was warded. And Charmaine went back to check out her stuff and send some essentials to the hospital. Bless.

She feels better in the afternoon. This morning she was shaking so much that when my children called me with the news, they shook me too.

She's hanging in there. Nothing drastic. Hopefully just a viral fever and it will go away. It's her third rescheduled flight. She hopes to make it home on Thursday evening.

We brought her flowers. And wrote a nice card. Which she wanted to display.

Charmaine is going to be back in the morning to get her.

She's alright. She'll get better. We even had laughs about having the perfect holiday in Malaysia.


We left, and I went back to the office.

It's painful. Crazy. And to no extend. I am so glad Qert dropped the topic. But we've had this conversation before. And the reason why he didn't bring it up again is because he trusts me to make my own firm decision.

Ya, and bring my firewire cable to him.

I got back to the office and fell right into this engulfing emotion. My thang.

And yes, some people never learn...

Justin vs Julius

The Boy that became A Man vs The Replacement Husband

Hmm... Tough one..

We had 5 pax in the car going from Lot 10 to Puchong. It was filled with giggling females. Only that the husband wished himself away. And the replacement husband continued to make us all laugh like hyenas.

Bad. Flo was gonna piss in the car laughing so hard.

The husband brought up again, how I went on the planned holiday, with my replacement. My JT he said. And immediately when he said JT, my mind popped : Justin Timberlake.

But wait, Julius is also my JT. Julius Tan.

Thank you, Jules. And not just for the shoes. For the years of growing up together. For the time your mom made me chaperon you guys. To the time you need to chaperon me back.

Thank you. I am so blessed. I love you, doink.

Kimi and his McDonald

It's a joke. It was such a joke as I readied the floor for the rest of my Sunday.

My comb, my bottle of water, my snacks, my remote controls.

Kimi and his McDonald was starting at 11th position. He who had time to watch qualifying has time to update me on grids. And he who was updating me, had to tell me, "Top 10 positions do not start in 15!"

Okay... Since Kimi is at 11th. It's pretty much dead from here.

The race started with the Ferraris, Toyotas and then Renaults. As usual, with Kimi's luck with his McDonald, my money is always on Alonso. But I did silently pray that Schumi will win.

I wasn't about to let him get to gloat just because Schumi wins, or that I want Schumi to win. My loyalty is with Kimi. Not the car.

But with the Ferrari blowing up. Sigh. It was my first time seeing a Ferrari blow up. Seems Kimi's luck is affecting the car even before he's on the team. I felt so crappy.

Already it was the weekend and I was on the floor, and Schumi is out. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep. Hopefully when I wake up De La Rosa would get into top 10 and Kimi would get into top 5. But I didn't. And I couldn't.

All in all, I texted everybody when Schumi went out. I was devastated. It would have been a great run for Alonso.

But I win a little bit of money. But that wasn't what I was hoping for. I wanted to watch a good race with Schumi giving his best before he goes.

That's the car Kimi is going to drive. Next season, car Number 1.

Sigh... not.

I was not very interested at all, after Schumi's car blew up. And I knew Alonso is going to win. All I could think about was switching to The Boys on the next channel.

By the time I joined The Boys, Vince needed to take a walk. I think he and Mandy broke up. I don't know. But what I do know is this weekend on Sunday, I will have hours and hours of The Boys beginning 10 am. Wow!

This weekend is a hectic schedule for me. Time to go under the bridge. Again. But it's my first trip back since we got married. And we will be sending the car to father. So it's expected and all good. I insisted I wasn't gonna stay long. Because I always end up with the kids. Not that I don't love them, it's just too... expectant.

I want it to be my choice, my want.

I look back at home my parents has raised me, my sis, Jules and Yen, my mom didn't do such a bad job. She did beautifully. Over dinner on Saturday night with Daphne, Jules and I shared childhood experiences of us being punished together, us being caught in the act, us playing truant. It was so sweet. I look at Jules and realise, we've come so far.

Look... That's my little cousin sister.. and she's paying for my shoes already!

And then I look at the company she has with her. This man (supposed) takes advantage of her in every way. He doesn't pay for parking. He doesn't pay for petrol. He complains about her, her friends, how much she spends when with me, how it is between us that we share things, how her sister being in KK is so smart, how the rest of her family is even smarter.

It isn't his place to say things like that. And it isn't in him to feel embarassed about how he treats her even when they are out with us. And they have been together for 5 years.

I look at myself. I look at my company. I have nothing further to say. Sigh.

I am blessed that I have the floor to myself. I am glad that I have what I need - my mom, my sis, my floor, my space. What I want, when I want. (Does not necessary apply to a lot of things. But at least my mom obliges)

Goes to confirm, we are creatures of each other's pain and pleasure. Unfortunately for me, I relate better with pain than pleasure.

Which is just going to confirm a few more things :

• Jules would probably marry that prick.
• Kimi would most likely bring bad luck to the new car
• I will not be able to wear Jules' dress if she continues to eat like that

Jules & Daphne

This is Julius and Daphne.
We met up on Saturday evening at about 4ish close to 5. And together with Flo, we bought 5 pairs of shoes.

We dropped Flo at about 9 and went on to have dinner. 5 pax.

I didn't get home till midnight. And just to be safe, I left my pair of shoes with Julius.. so she could bring over when the time is right.

Uh yes, I did it again...

Fire

My sis and I moved to the balcony by half past 9. And my dad went into his room. Tom stayed in front of the tv.

At last count, we burnt 5 paper lanterns and 5 boxes of candles.

No wonder my dad hid in the room. He probably thought his 2 girls are done with trying to burn his house down. This is my dad's way of Ignorance is Bliss.

My mom was busying herself with I-don't-know-what. And it was just the two of us girls on the balcony with all that fire and all that melts.

4-Digits

Last night was my first time, besides at my own wedding, that I was in a 4-digit dinner.

There was only 4 of us. At a dinner location too dark.

And I still cannot believe dinner was 4-digits. And Qert should have grabbed the bill. But I would have felt more remorse on the ride home.

I'm not sharing that experience with my mom, or my sis, or my dad. They would never have let me live it down if I did.

First week of November coming up.... Then we'll do dinner again. 6 pax, not 4-digit :)

As I was listening...

Mr. Marshall said he hasn't seen me in anything but a blue suit, or a grey one. And yesterday, was in a red dress.

My mom picks my dresses. And she's got exquisite taste. I only have to buy the shoes to go with them.

Last night, dinner for 4, I realise I'm not such with social skills. And I confessed, I'm not out much. I cannot help it. I let this 4-letter word tie me to choices that is not my own.

Everyday this week, I walked out of the office by 7, or 7.30 pm. Regardless of what The Boss has to say. And I have grown too thick skin to be bothered. And I wish this phase is over soon. I have to get better. I have to re-prioritise again. I have to. But I just don't know how.

Last night, on the drive home, I reminded Qert and myself : I'm going to be the next Pink Ank.

I didn't know how to justify this thang. I didn't know how to tell Qert. And he was relentless. He was not gonna give up on me. He expects a full brief online. There, he's just popped up on Skype.
This evening, I am walking out of this office at 6.30 pm. To have dinner at home. With Tom and Jerri. With my mom and dad.

And for everything else, there is tomorrow.

To Pod...

Last night, we met a Qert who was trying to look cool and thin after his gym session. He was waiting in the wrong lobby. I was waiting in my ex-lobby. And The Marshalls were waiting in the ex-Lib Lounge. And Qert was in the dark lobby.

When we got to dinner location, flaff around a bit. Talk a lot, laugh even more, then realise, hey, we got placed in a corner! But then with me, what else is new?

It was dark and it was cold and I am not really hungry. I'm just here for the warmth and company.

It's great to see The Marshalls again. And I wish they could have stayed longer. It's one of those things and the dry Brit humour.

It was in between conversations that Qert pulled out the weight he was carrying on one side of his pants. The Dopod. Yes, Dopod is synonymous to Zero. Like I said, they gel. LOL.

If Qert is complaining about the weight of the Dopod, he must have forgotten about the first-gen Pod I am carrying like deadweight.

I pulled mine out. And we compared bricks.

Somewhere, I must have forgotten (or maybe rejoicing) about how light my handbag got. I didn't think for a while that I was going to be without MEAT.

While in Frostie on the way home...

"Do you trust me with 20Gs of space?"

No.

"You have to trust me again. I'm in the process of fine-tuning all these music. Bla bla bla"

Not all 20Gs please... Just give me everything Alanis Morissette!!

"But I wanna give you 20Gs of my best!"

......

To be without Pod... To be without MEAT... To have this thang.. To have Qert say this is too close to home...

Misdirection : It's the race this weekend!!

Now go chant another mantra.

Important

I went window shopping yesterday. And saw a pair of brilliant bling bling shoes. I tried them on. And I knew I am gonna come back for them.

So today, all ready and prepared... to make those pair of bling blings mine...

And then, like my conscience, Flip asked if it was important to me.

It's not important, I wouldn't use that word. I just really really like to buy shoes. LOL. And never find the occasion to wear them.

The pair of shoes I was wearing today, 3 inches stilettos, I bought them for Christmas. And ended up working throughout Christmas. So today, October next next year, I am wearing my own Christmas gift... of last year.

At least I am wearing it. Although a wee bit too late. And a wee bit too weird. A wee bit too early for shoes like that on the monorail at 8.15 am.

It's alright. Today, is a day for looking ;-)

Gadget Shopping

I made Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life go gadget shopping with me. It's always been either Chin The Pink or Jin. Or Qert. But that was one-time only. And I left with a very expensive new toy, a Shuffle.

I am now calling for free. With Fion. And listening to music.

Brilliant!

I have work piling up and I am just looking at them. Just looking.

Actually, I did some work. But today, I don't feel like doing any work. (What else is new?)

Hmm... I'm gonna go shoe shopping during lunch.

That Boy

On Friday night las week, before I decided to down the entire bottle for free, I was over at Flo's room with my portable dvd player. And we watched Wedding Crashers. (I'm pro Vince Vaughn)

While her tv was on mute, and the both of were us on the sofa watching the movie, I was distracted.

The new video was on. And it was for that one second I felt the presence on the 42 inch flat screen. Then I just wasn't interested in the movie anymore. It has to be Justin. Or else.

I watched the new video, on mute. But still as charismatic as he would have been, had the song been playing. Just so JT. And this, is the only boy that makes me feel this way.

Stop

I was chancing on another blogger's blog. And he posted a picture of... haircuts.

I saw this fellow blogger today, with his new haircut. He was almost touching the ceiling.

Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was the pictures he posted on his blog : John (Travolta) Brad, Tom... and then.. Justin.

Wow.

A league of men, and Justin got on it. I am impressed. Totally impressed because this boy can. And I am not even a boy person. I'm moving Justin onto the list! It's time for me to graduate him from boy... into... *sigh!* man.

Breath, Shine... Breath..

Cruisin'

Last night, we took the new car out. For a little bit of breaking in.

I left the office by 7.30 pm on a Monday. That was quite an achievement. My mom was surprised to see me at home for dinner.

We showered and went out to do our banking. At the usual places.

And then we just drove on. We pass by home 3 times and we didn't stop. He took the car down my favourite Super Corner and I almost wished I was driving the car. Almost.

Chairwoman and I, we're both dogs in backseats. We love going for rides. And this ride, like every ride I enjoy, was just quiet. No petty chats, no lousy conversations, nothing. Just me and my selection of music. He was just driving.

This is the first time in .... a long time since he took me out for "just a drive". If it wasn't for the car. I don't know. And I didn't want to think about it.

Regardless of what it is, I look at my ah beng driving the car and realise, I'm not too far. I've got this selection of music playing... all from our China Bluez days! LOL.

Here's what kept me happy and jiving last night.

Remembering me, discover and see,
All over the world, she's known as a girl,
To those who are free, their minds shall be keep,
Forgotten as the past, 'cause history will last.

God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it,
God is a girl, whatever you say,
Do you believe it, can you receive it,
God is a girl, however you live,
Do you believe it, can you receive it,
God is a girl, she's only a girl,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?

She wants to shine, forever in time,
She is so driven, she's always mine,
Clearly and free, she wants you to be,
A part of the future, a girl like me,
There is a sky, eluminating us,
Someone is out there, that we truly trust,
There is a rainbow, for you and me,
A beautiful sunrise, eternally.

God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it,
God is a girl, whatever you say,
Do you believe it, can you receive it,
God is a girl, however you live,
Do you believe it, can you receive it,
God is a girl, she's only a girl,
Do you believe it, can you receive it?



God Is A Girl. And she is, if you watched Dogma. And She is, Alanis Morissette.

I couldn't have picked a better cast!

Heavy

I came in early today. I had to get psyched up.

But it really feels like Mike just don't want to go away.

I'm dreading it. I don't even feel like typing/blogging.

Re blogging : "You should. Blogging is good for your health n mind... it will be a long nite for me wout ur text.. my daily dose.. I would be on the sofa next to you... i'm in thinking mood today.. must be the long drive, my redbull supply, my coldshowered flip, my beautiful mind set on you.. conclusion.. i am missing u like crazy.. and its so there.."

Stupid

Jack's Place is closed today-lah!

How mangkuk can you get?

City of Blinding Lights

This one goes out to Johnny Drama on The Boys 2 weeks ago.
I was ecstatic. And almost reached out to my phone to text someone. But it was the weekend, and I refrained.

Unlike this weekend, I didn't put any restraints on myself.

This is your shot. As it is, you have been my plastic spoon. Let's do more damage.


The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you grow
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart, day-glow eyes
The city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
And people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight...

Don't think before you laugh
Look ugly in a photograph
Flash bulbs, purple irises the camera can't see

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you've made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

Oh you look so beautiful tonight...tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Time...time....time...won't leave me as I am
But time won't take the boy out of this man
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
Oh you look so beautiful tonight

Cranky

I didn't get my pork for lunch.

Pork To Save The Day

When we were in the hills, everyday I wanted to eat pork. We refused to go into any place that didn't serve pork. Pork was everything we ordered.

All I could think of today is Pork Chop at Jack's Place.

That's the only thing that could keep me from texting. And emailing. But didn't stop me from posting.

I remember the last time I had Pork Chop at Jack's Place. It was about 10 am on 12th September 2006.

That was how good it was. In fact, we even gave up our seat when TSDFY came in.


And talking about pork, I remember pig. And I remember my racing frog named Mu. And no more "Mu".

Accessibility

I just wanted you to tell me. Give me a time frame. Give me something to work on.

How much time do I have?

Just that. I don't need more.

I would have taken care of myself and not stay hungry, if I knew. Yes, I asked to be left at the side of the road.


And now? Routine.

I don't want to stop. I cannot do without.


I need you..

Happy Pills

Before Boss left, he made me promise to do away with the Happy Pills and the downers.

And this morning, I thought, "what he doesn't know can't hurt me". What the heck, I'll take a couple of happy pills and don't tell Boss.

So I did.

At 10.07 am, my mobile vibrated with a dedicated ring tone. I knew who it was. Because the ring tone says, "Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

It was Samuel L. Jackson.

And my dedicated ring tone for Boss.

My fingers started to get cold.

See, with this stupid phone, phone calls and messages are the same god-damn tune. I took a deep breath and reached for the phone. With a lot of guilt.

It was a text. And I could sigh in relief.

I'm so edgy. And realise that I am wrong. Boss texted me about breaking fast, and my stomach turned.

I am sorry. Can you find it in you to forgive me?

Schumi Conquered Shanghai

Schumi started 6th on the grid. And Kimi 5th. The Renaults blocked 1st and 2nd, the Hondas blocked 3rd and 4th. First turn, and Kimi was already in between the Hondas.

The thing with Kimi is, he's amazing. He's a talented driver. But his McDonald is just not doing it for him. And like Monte Carlo, Kimi walked back to the pit, having to retire halfway. It was a great run. Kimi was second, behind Alonso. And could have given Schumi a run for his money.

But the god-damned McDonald is just not doing it. Like most race, it just isn't Kimi's.

I can only imagine what was going through Kimi's head, again, having to walk back to pit. My mom, who was watching the race with me, "What?! He's walking again?! He's always walking!!!"

Yeah, right about then, on the floor, I wonder why I bother watching the race. When The Boys were on the next channel.

Before the race started, I knew that he is also in front of the tv watching this race. It's too important to miss.

"Raikkonen is out! WTF!!"

Yeah. Lousy car.

I closed my eyes and napped for 10 mins. Alonso was leading by 25 seconds. And when he changed the front tyres (brilliant move) Schumi caught up. And Alonso was then leading by only 6 seconds. The race is over. Don't need to watch further. Schumi has won the race.

"Schumi is the best!"

For now.

What did you expect?

That was the question that I always asked myself and had to go walking to clear my head.

What did I expect?

For 5 seconds what I would expect was limitless. And then everything comes back to what it is.

I am just me. Till now, I am still just me. With nothing more to define me than work.

And I am still found here, at my desk. No where else.

This Is It

I don't even what position Schumi is starting. But in about 2 hours, we will know if Schumi is going to finish this last season as a champion.

I checked my itinerary. And he's probably in Geneva now or in between London and Geneva. And will wake up at 7.30 am (his time) to watch the race.

Last night we car pooled to an aunt's. She was celebrating her big 60th birthday. Not the entire family was there. Jules is in JB. And there was no Boiler Room to be found in JB.

I have watched Boiler Room and loved it. Would be very nice to watch it again. Giovanni Ribisi played such an amazing character.

We were home by midnight and Tom and Jerri stayed on the floor with me as they spoke to mom. And I am so glad to be home. So glad to be with my sis and my mom.

Right now, there is 2 cars at home. Dad's and..

If I was a bigger person than my floor today, I would have driven the car home to Teluk Intan and left it there. But, I am not. This creature of habit will stay on the floor. Although my Sunday is already screwed.

Leave it.


As we came downhill yesterday, I took one of the travelling sickness pills. And had to close my eyes throughout. Because it didn't help. So I took out my Pod and listened to my music.

Albeit a big Pod, it played a song I have on my phone. A dedicated ring tone. And I know I will never hear this tune again on my phone. And I will not be able to remove this song from my Pod. There was silent tears. And I stopped to blow every so often.

The ball was never in my court. But that choice that was given to me, was that one thing that was up to me. I don't know if I could say it's been good. Or if it's been great. Because even when it's good, or great, I remember a lot of tears. A lot of hurt. A lot of pain. And a little bit. A lot of blanks. And a lot of questions that I never asked - because I don't ask.

And hardly a sense of fulfillment that was ...


Yeah, I want that strong Shine back too.