My sissy

My sissy has been facing a stroke of bad luck when it comes to her SLK.
Poor girl.. I think that car is due for an overhaul really soon. Just May itself, that car has ate up quite a lot of her May allotment. And we're both very glad it's June soon.


But you know what... because it's May eating into June, she's gonna be staying home a lot. So this will mean that there will be no weekend mahjong, there will be no weekend grocery shopping and there will be no anything.


And I've been looking for someone to go with me to the book fair. Ever since the tax exemption thingy, I have not stopped for even a bit when it comes to buying books. So I know I'm gonna go so crazy at a book fair.

But that will mean that I will be just like Jerri berry. There will be a lot of staying in. A lot of eating bread. hmm.


Last night I called my sissy and spoke to her for an hour. I have missed her so much. And yesterday I was home OOO. And she was my listening ear and my TLC. Which makes me really grateful I am still living with my parents. Pro and cons. Coz there are nights that I know, are not easy for my parents to take. And sometimes I wish it would have been different. If not for me, then for them. They deserve to know that their daughter is being treated well. And how many parents can stop blaming themselves if they're not?

I see my sissy tonight. For dinner at home with my parents. And. Ok. No further.

Sade

If there ever was a reason for me to revive my dead-weight Pod, it is Sade. And today I brought my cables in to revive my dead-weight Pod. Just so I could listen to a little bit of Sade.

I think Qert put about 6 albums of Sade in there. It was all good. But it just isn't ideal for evenings in the office.

Time to get out of this office and go prioritize on something. Hopefully tomorrow, I will prioritize on my weekly Yoga and try to stay healthy and maybe gain a little bit of focus back.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Again, if there isn't, there's always John Woo's A Better Tomorrow.


He's to wishing tomorrow will be a better day. But have a feeling that I'm going to be right here again by 8 am. Strong feeling on that.



Am not too certain what else to keep me occupied for nights. I definitely don't want a repeat of Friday and Saturday night. Or a Sunday Kimi-failure night.




I don't know. I really don't know.


Maybe I should do a Grissom. Take a sabbatical. Move on. *shrug*

Weekend

The weekend was unlike any other. For example, I went out with a girlfriend on Friday night and we went to a nice place and a nice bar and a nice band. At almost the end of the month. Nice? Almost. It could almost work if I didn't have a relatively bad afternoon leading up to the outing.

No. I was reasonably sober. Or at least my mind was. My thoughts was. I couldn't hardly sleep even if I've had a few glasses to help me. I went home, showered, dried my hair.. and still had time to sit at the balcony to contemplate things.. and it was 3 in the morning.

I was up on Saturday by 9.00 am.

There were many things and I was tired. The plan was to go see Eve with my sis and my mom. Then grocery shop, then mahjong session with Jules.

We picked her up at 4.00 pm and headed home. She left for dinner at 8.00 pm and I have been rolling around on the floor since we ended the session. I somehow don't remember much of it. Except that I bought magazines for the first time this year and was probably looking through them as I exchanged heavy texts over the last one hour by midnight.

No, those thoughts were relevant. The concerns were relevant. Just that me. I've never been relevant. I've never known the extend of how relevant this is, how it could have impact me and everyone involved. I just didn't see it through my thick head.


I was tired. But I didn't sleep till close to 2 am. And I wonder... if he is also having difficulties resting that thought..


What woke me up with a start was Sunday morning. I woke up to realise that it's probably the first time in two weeks that I noticed it. And for a while it was so scary. Till I realise what this etntire thing is about. It's no longer about me. How come the impact of that has not hit me?



I spent all Sunday like every Sunday. Spending it with CSI Supreme Sunday. Maybe coz of my reluctance to change my routine, it lead up to a bad Sunday night. But then again, when you're coming up against Constantine, no one is a worth.

Only one made it when Horatio was on.



Maybe it was all accummulative. Maybe everything added up at the same time that lead to my Sunday blast. But you know what? Maybe all I don't need is love. And I used to think that work was an ugly four letter word.

Kimi at Monaco

Last year, Kimi did not finish his Monaco race. Last year, he had a long walk back to pit and probably a lot of time to think and reflect on things.

This year, he had a lousy qualifying. This year, he had a lousy race. And this year, he has successfully fucked up a good engine with his ever stinking luck.

Consolation for Kimi is, he wasn't the only one who didn't have a good weekend.

Fuck You

Fuck you for spoiling a great morning for me.

Fuck you for making me throw my guts out after a good breakfast.



I just don't get it. With some people, I just don't get it.
There's she's harping on a Nokia XX00 phone and suddenly, I feel like throwing my guts out. And I ran to the comfort office to hide close to some feets. Yes, I know I am transparent but it's also true that I write what I feel like and I'm an open book to read. I am never a person smaller than that.


But this whole entire Desperate Housewives storyline is getting really really pissy. It's really beginning to piss me off.

At first it was all sad and teary and then it gets, oh-well, then it gets, gotta-move-on and then it gets, "why the fuck she gets the attention and I don't"?



Oh yes. Bargaining chips. I don't have that. I have nothing. I don't have a kid. I don't have anything contagious. I don't have any card I could play for my winning.



You know just yesterday we were talking about my list? Ya, let's do that. Let's do a 4 ticks again. I seriously thought that he was a bigger better person than that. Obviously I have held his opinion in high regards and it turns out just like the rest of the decisions he makes in his life.

Talking about bigger and better person, I don't think there ever was anyone who could beat The Ultimate.




So, yeah, tell me.. what's up with the blast from the past. Then what? It's not like you are going to make any dramatic changes to your life in your this lifetime. But then again, fine. She laid seige first and I will let her take and have what you are throwing her way. Then again, it will all go away anyway.


So what's the point?


What was the point in the beginning anyway? Why did I have nothing, nothing but a last glance back on some evening you caught me off guard.


I guess it was true I was so unworthy I didn't deserve closure.





And for a while, I almost believed that I was worthy. So silly. So dumb. 7 months later I'm still so silly and so dumb.

Sunday - Race Day!

Ok... Deep breaths..

For some unknown reason, my Astro decided to break down on my floor day. So there goes my CSIs.. I was hoping that by 7 pm, my Astro would be back. Or else, what a waste of race day!

No such luck. Murphy is as Murphy does.

And as there was no luck with me, there was no luck with Kimi. Or maybe it was.. Kimi rubbing wrong on Ferrari.

You know how Kimi has always walked back to the pit since his seasons with McLaren? He's managed successfully to infect a great engine like the Ferarri. He's buggered it! The god-damned Ferrari that Kimi was driving had engine failure.

I guess for Kimi, his consolation was, he retired in the pit. With a Ferrari, he didn't have to walk back to the pit.

But since my Astro was buggered, there was no point watching anyway.


So how did I know Kimi's managed to infect the Ferrari? Sigh... Maybe it was because I wasn't watching the race, that's why Kimi didn't give it his 100%

Happy Mother's Day

On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day.
I worked half day, my sissy worked half day and we all met at the mall closest to home. Just the Siews. Mommy and daddy went first (by commuter) and then sissy and then me (all by commuter, just from different directions)

So we had lunch. And we grocery shopped. I bought a book. A book I've been wanting for a long time. But you know what, this year's income tax exemption for books and periodicals is going up to RM 1,000! So means I only need to keep my receipts. (La la la!)



I bought this book. And it is heavy (also expensive) and I wonder why I have bought so many books this year... (esp since March)

With my parents and sissy, they are too level headed to let me buy another gold handbag or something. They will just stop me. And if they can't, they'll just slap me. So besides this book, I didn't spend on anything else in the mall.

But what came the difficult part of all 4 Siews walked home from the train station with grocery. Try doing that. Really.

I guess some people will never be able to figure out what it's like living in a 800 sq feet flat. And some people will never be able to figure out what it's like lying on the floor on Sunday and having everybody else in the house tip-top around you coz the place is too small and when you lie on the floor you take up a lot of space.

I wish when I speak, I don't feel so self conscious about how little I feel about how and where I came from and what we still don't have. And why I work for a miserable amount of money and my parents still live in an 800 sq feet flat. And I still can't afford my own car. And how I still shop and buy shoes. And my priority is all wrong.

I guess the latter is the part I don't understand most. Why is it always me me me. Why is it always about how small other people made me.


By the time we got home, both my sis and I wanted to lie on the floor under the fan. But there wasn't enough space for the both of us.

Maybe my dad had lousy daughters. Maybe my mom didn't bring us up right to make sure we search customer database for name "Mon..". Maybe my parents taught us the wrong thing because this morning on the telephone with Ti, I realise that she was right. Coz she knows what I'm going thru and she shared in one sentence what she's going thru and I realise... all parents should teach their children that nothing is as important as their happiness.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

If there are going to be consequences, but you'll be able to live with yourself. Then do it.


Like Toni Collette asked her mom in The Sixth Sense, I want to ask my mom that too and I want to get the same answer that made her cry in the movie. I want that.


And yet all these hatred within me for all the wrongs that's been made against me made me feel so fueled and fired up for the wrong reasons because I want to be able to sleep at night. My mom raised me better than that. Bigger than that.

Perhaps this is worth blogging, for the last 2 days, I have left office at 7.00 pm sharp.

You know what? I just don't care. I just don't care anymore.

Make me. Make me care. I don't. No matter what you do. Esp when I know the person I am going to disappoint is not going to be here to see me short-change my job.

I have never been a person to take advantage of my job or to let it be short-changed. I have always believed that I came in to this with the right attitude and the mentality already set to achieve this.

Little would you believe when I got my councelling at a foreign sofa, I was told that's because I have high expectations.

I don't have high expectations. It's just that the people around me are all *@&#)&%~(


So for me, the conclusion is : Good love is NOT on the way and neither is good help.




But you know what, mommy... You gonna be stuck with me when I choose to do this. I'm sorry to disappoint you. But I wish you will know that this is what happiness your daughter wants to have. And if she's going to be labelled and judged, be it. I do not want to live my life pretentious anymore.


I am obviously not as Bree as I thought I was.

What's wrong with you!

What's wrong with you! Why do you have all these misdirected anger?!!


Okay, so last night you had this little Michelle Dessler dream. And then today you're overwhelmed by work again.

But it's not really.. exactly.. about the work, isn't it!!


You're just blaming it to whatever is convenient to you. Shame on you.
I'd have expected you to be a better person.





And that, is my first disappointment. That I let myself down. Subsequently, I know I will be letting down the people around me. And I don't want that to happen. It has to stop here and it has to stop now.


Start being mindful about things. You need to be a better person.

The thing about me

.. is that I am a package.

Since yesterday, this dark cloud was floating over me. Due to some reasons, not one, not two but three decided to fail me yesterday. And I was really disappointed.

I used to really like my list. I used to really think that my list is good sustenance. John Mayer said, "good love is on the way".


And today. Let's talk about today.

Jules went on my behalf to French Fry to purchase my 3rd gold bag in the last one month. I was so happy. She's doing retail therapy on my behalf. I'm so happy I'm so happy.

I felt from bad to worse becoz that happy high only lasted for a while.

By 11.45 am, still early, I texted a colleague and said, "Let's go for something really expensive today."

You'd think I know what I was talking about?
I ended up eating at the Chinese Restaurant in the hotel next door. Now talk about really expensive to me.

Yes, that's it. No more retail therapy. I ate my heart out at a nice restaurant with okay food and many familiar faces.

After a hearty lunch, it not only blew up in my face. It blew up in Jules face.

At 2.30 pm Jules find herself alone, with none of the purchases she has done this morning and late on the way out of the city to get to work.


Thanks so much. I love you.

Julius : Good. At least you love me. I jt had a huge fight wid kk

Honey r u ok? Wat happened?

Julius : long story. got upset. jt left him n took train back2kl sentral. everything wid him.

Oh poor thing.. late for work?

Julius : Ya. Late. 2ml wanna go bangsar puiling wanna eat banana leaf rice v go drown sorrow. wanna come?

No it's alright honey. I'm gonna be working.. Come over tomorrow play mahjong.

Julius : K c how mayb no go coz now very upset cos of the...

Hang in there dear. U gonna be alright.





And then I realise.. it's the same for most of us. I needed Jules for a lift and she needed me for a lift. Unfortunately I couldn't provide it to her, vice versa.


I wish I am a stronger person. And I wish to be able to completely hide what's going on inside better. I wish people will stop short-changing me. I wish maybe some day I'd be worthy.


Maybe one day I will stop getting disappointed.

A First

It's been a first for me, since this job. To be in the building, by 7.00 am. With the usual buzzing locker room. We just had misting last night. So every locker was still opened and flapping. Like the girls changing.

I miss having Chairwoman accessing the locker below mine. I miss having her close by. I miss having someone within the building. But she's moved on to a better place (perception lah!)

But basically, she's just moved to be the Chief of the Circus Act.


Ok - back to being early.
I like being the first one. I like being the first one in.
I like picking up the phone and dialling, knowing that I may be the first one in this office, but not the first one exactly.

I think this is a first time for me in this office, after a long lapse of a year - at least.


I miss my team. I miss them. I miss my children.


On Tuesday night, 3 girls went out for dinner. Okay. It wasn't dinner location. It was dessert location. But we made do with the food there anyway. We went over to the glitzy to pick up my Doraemon. My ex-butler. My ex-child. We walked towards dessert shop.

We sat down and had food and had more laughs. You know, typical girl things. Typical girl things that I don't get to do with Chairwoman.


For some reasons, people are always dependant. I'm not any different. I like going home to my mom singing "Mama mama!" I like going home and irritate my dad, when he's not locked away in his room. I like to irritate my dad, just like how he likes to irritate me by hogging the tv or the Astro remote. We'll see how he does this weekend. I'm going to spend Sunday on the floor all the way till the Chequered Flag! Hah!


We ended the night early. If I was with Therapeutic Dev, I'd probably been invited to sleep over. Then again, Dev and I go 10 years back. (ouch)

So I really think and wonder.. it's a great feeling. Should I do this again tomorrow?

Then again the next question is, I'm already permanent fixture - why do I want to even extend that?

Then again, everybody knows I'm in this for a reason. I'm peering into destination office. Is this worth it?

Is this going to help? Is it what I want?




Okay - next topic.
This morning, I browsed the general email and came across a familiar name. I checked my phone, the handphone number provided is the same. And I responded within 5 mins.
Then found out how glad I am, and he was, that I was part of this and able to help him smooth this all out.

I'm so happy. But I cannot tell. Doh.
A quick call to Kee. No, no annversaries, no birthdays. Oh. ;-)

Ark! Even a bigger reason to make this all work for him.


So all day today, we been bouncing emails to make sure my friend of more than 13 years is going to be esctatic!


So, fingers crossed... We'll hear about it next week!


The sweetest thing! But don't.. don't steal the limelight from Summer when you get to Dublin next weekend. She's not going to like it!


I'm glad I still have you girls...

Big show-off

Why is it that every man in my life is a big show off?

Deslex, start with you. What did Kahlin Gibran said? Go read it again and again.

Ok - the rest of them men. I rest my case.


Oh yeah, on Monday night I went to ah beng bling bling pub and ordered brandy - neat. Ha ha ha. Anyone who knows me will know what I'm going to say next. "I am so my father's daughter."


LOL.


And me being my father's daughter, what did I promise him? Yes. I still keep that promise.


But you know what, the new N95 wasn't as bulky as I thought it was. But I don't need it. It's nice to look at. But I prefer something more... lappy-like. Ha ha.

Life is boring

Life is boring with or without my blog entries.

So don't rush me for updates. At my pace, okay.



Lately, I've been spending so much money I forgot all about the lesson taught, need vs want.
Do I need it? I don't ask myself that anymore. The way I've been spending money, Julius is the one asking, "Do you need it?"

No. But it sure does look damned good on me, doesn't it!


Isn't that all that matters?




I am pleased and happy to be able to say, at least one person is looking out for my happiness.




Hey, pre-sale this weekend at Isetan. Julius is going to watch me buy another gold handbag...
No, I don't need another gold handbag. I just want it. Simple as that.

So many things

So many things happened, I don't know how to update it in one posting.

In a nutshell, what I've acomplished :
Bought 3 books at the Times warehouse sale
Filed income tax for year 2006 on time!
Had dinner with PIL for 2 consecutive nights
Went to help out sale at the booth during Vesak
Did not qualify to donate blood
(Somehow don't remember what I did on the 2nd)
Went and caught Spiderman 3 at the cinema - for free
Grocery shopped and found my favourite biscuit!
Completed annual green-building, this time bringing a friend - CW!
Shopped for clothes - 2 tops and a dress
Shopped for handbags - both in gold (Curse of the golden....)
Watched Tony and Takeshi's Confession of Pain
Played mahjong throughout the night
Played mahjong throughout the night, with different set of kaki
Went to ah beng pub


Yeah... I think I missed out a lot. But it's okay. The nutshell thing not very nutshell also.


don't know. just don't feel like. still.

I just don't feel like

I just don't feel like blogging lately.

It's not that nothing happened. Many things did. But I just don't feel like blogging. And I haven't been away. So it's just weird to me too that it's been 12 days since my last posting.

I don't think there's ever been a gap this long before.

But here it is again : I just don't feel like blogging.