F1 is back!

The first race of 2009 proved to be a great win for the all-new Brawn GP. It was a 1-2 win on the podium.

Let the blog entry be the reminder again of how lucky a person Hamilton is. He started off last on the track and finished 3rd after Trulli got disqualified.

Did not lead me away from that ugly suspicions I have of Hamilton.. I won't voice it out ...

In a week's time, I will be lazing on a beach for a week and partying for 12 hours non stop of the soft sands of Haad Rin. :) That is of course, after I attend the Malaysian GP! Hahahaha....

Force!

I want to be a force for good.

I have been sitting around, bumming, lazing, depressing for almost 4 months. For months and months I have wasted away this once energetic person full of passion. It is time for mending. If I cannot mend myself, I have to channel this frustration and this anger to a better focus.

I have decided proudly today, to be a volunteer. I must start somewhere. And starting somewhere selfless it is.

I have shared this with 4 people today. Out of 4 people, one was .. weird. This person told me to set my priorities right.

My mantra has always been the same, "It is not about the money".

I want to make myself and volunteer my time. For a good ending to some people. Lots of compassion, lots of tears, yes, I know that. But it is doing something, keeping myself busy and staying focused... So why is my choices and my decision met with such resistance by this person?

Because this person said, I must first help myself before I can help others. Would it also not seen that by helping others I help myself better?

Never ending broken heart

A friend from the past recently described to me his "slump". He said he was tired, stressed and emotionally up and down.

He then went on to describe the sensation further as : feels like I've a never ending broken heart.

It really hurts to hear that. Because you know, there is a done-to and a do-er. At one point, we've been one of those. Receiving end, giving end. Right now, for him, it doesn't end.

I do not know of any words or consolation I can provide to him. As it was just yesterday I watched the first episode 1 of CSI Season 9. Warrick died and at the funeral, Grissom delivered the eulogy. Grissom said, the word of comfort, "I am sorry for your loss" really does not offer any consolation at all.

Yeah, I know - suffering from a broken heart does not mean the other party is dead. But it does mean that in some way, you are dead to that person. You no longer float her boat, or you no longer make her feel like spring has sprung.

Maybe it was the last thing I heard last night before I went to sleep, but I do find myself thinking, considering, if I would make a good Carrie.

Windmills Of My Mind by Sting - OST The Thomas Crown Affair

Silent Tears

"Silent tears full of pride"

What brought them on? I guess it was as easy as the unsummoned ones like when I hear Fields Of Gold by Sting.

I realise that I do have some fear ruling my life. The most important one that I discovered ruling my life now is : I fear being judged.

Everybody judges. Even when they say they don't. Especially them Christians. They are always the first to judge.

Yeah, I didn't have that great a Wednesday morning as I geared up for a better 2009 as of March. But even that was no flying. A friend shared, said that is suppose to happen, to keep suspense high. No. So totally wrong. So totally misinterpreted.

Enough. That was one word I keep telling myself as I seek solace with this bad throat and a practicing to be an even better cough.

I often feel people not grateful enough. There, I judge. That is my verdict. I always ask, I always vent : When will anyone appreciate me?

Anthony Robbins say, thinking is the process of asking and answering questions. To have better results, you ask better quality questions. The question now is not "When will anyone appreciate me?"

It is why. And how?

With the why, therein lies why I have the fear of being judged. Why I have the fear of not living up to expectations, especially my own.

With the how, I ask more questions. Am I not doing enough for my family? Have I not prioritized properly now? Have I not done the best I have?


So many conflicting thoughts. So many unresolved issues. How am I going to use this time to better myself. How am I going to use this time to heal myself? When all I am is surrounded by all these guilt, hatred and pent up frustrations.

Being Outdoors

We had the annual retreat just last weekend. And the usual thing that starts my annual retreat with the same group of people from the temple, is that, I am half expecting to hear a dedicated ring tone on my mobile, be it a message or a phone call. From that one person, the dedicated ring tone was Daniel Powter's Bad Day.

Silly me. That phone is gone now. That person is gone now.

And I have thought about him often. Maybe it was bad that I do not delete any emails coz Gmail has so much storage. Sometimes when I do a search on my emails, I find his. Sometimes long, sometimes short. Sometimes corny, mostly not.

But life has been such. And I have never been brought up as a social person or an outdoor person. But this weekend trip, made it so much more interesting.

We went white water rafting. It was in small doses. We did a 6 km raft. It was brilliant! I had so much fun. For the water confidence bit, we did two exercise that included floating with the current and the next (*so exciting*) was capsize drill. Wow! I had so much fun!

I didn't take many pictures. But that experience was good for me. My sissy and I had fun. Though our boat didn't capsize or that none of us fell into the rapids. But we had a good 6 km raft and took on the mother rapid :)

It was a tiring weekend. I slept. Finally...

Unprecedented

The 3 in 48 is still unparalleled. But this title for this topic, I am pretty sure I have used it before.

Till today, till now, the dream still stands at only making it a great 2009 come the first quarter.
I am in no rush. Between now and then, I have plenty to keep me occupied. None of which includes male companionship.

This is a posting that is saying the same thing. Whatever perception there is of me, I will leave it at that. Life is about living it. Life is not about me pleasing you.

For whatever reason there must have been, towards the drive home this evening, I had a funny 5 seconds that was not funny. It was the exact opposite of funny. It was a very weird one at that. It was Rob Thomas' Ever The Same. I know that Shuffle mode is the only way I will ever hear this dedicated ring tone again.

Bygones.

New

New look, new job, new environment, new connection, new relationships, new posting.

Just new. And all shiny.

Congrats, love. Take this and wing it! :)