Happy New Year!

New Year. What's new about it besides my pair of mary janes? For Stiff, new ties, new crocs, new salary, new office, new expectations, new commitments.

For me, I am and is still trying to keep my sometimes idle mind from playing hard tricks on me.

I woke up crying on 1st Jan. I had a dream. I had a dream about this person.

It was really strange, because I tried not to think about him. I tried my best not to think about anything to do with him. After 2 days in between 26th and 27th Dec, I thought I succeeded. It didn't hurt as bad. I was in solitaire with my own thoughts and emotions, I could express it as I want to. I was home alone and I felt safe.

During this 2 days of solitary, I thought that if it hurt, I will cry. If it hurt more, I will cry more. And then I will move on. But I didn't cry. I thought about him a lot but I didn't cry. I wasn't sure if subconsciously I didn't want to cry because crying will mean that I would have done the former and then the latter will come. I didn't want to. Because I couldn't give it up.

The dream came too out of the sudden, because I felt that I have cleared my mind quite a lot for my trip to Sin. Considerably. 3 consecutive days. I thought for once I didn't feel like all I could think about was him.

I woke up crying and I was afraid. It's the new year. And I don't know why or what I was afraid of. But the dreams of him only got worse since 1st Jan.

Now I can't stop thinking about him and I also can't stop the dreams that come.

Same new year resolution like last year, to make it through this one with less drugs.