Gone

I woke up this morning, again not by my alarm clock. I didn't need one. My parents are leaving today. I was gonna get up in a bit anyway.

If I drive, I'd have dropped them off at the railway station. But I don't. Yes, I work. But I'd have made allowances to first drop my parents off. They are gonna be going away for 12 days. I won't be seeing them for 12 days. I just cannot believe it. I have never been away from my parents for more than 11 days.

Two days ago, like everything else happening right there, right then, was so easily said and then just... brushed aside. This morning when my dad dropped my mom and me at KL Sentral, I feel heavy watching my dad drive home and then walk out again. All this could have been solved, only if. Well, I cannot blame anyone. I can only blame me for refusing to drive.

I hugged my mom when I first woke up this morning. Because I'm not gonna hug her anytime soon. I hugged my mom at least 3 times this morning and told her to have fun, not to worry about me, and I love her. And as I said all those things, I cried. Because I know she would worry about me, just as I would worry about me. I mean... all those few days I'm worried over what would happen to me, what could happen to me.

I'm so ashamed that I cried. Because when I cry, I know she couldn't bear to go on holiday. Just as it was 4 years ago when she left to go Shanghai. I got so sick when she wasn't around. My sister got so worried that she moved me up to her place with her, just so I wasn't gonna be alone.

Well, now, my sister's with my mom. And I'm home alone. I'm gonna have to give Jules a call. It's a preview of what's about to happen. I know it. It's my opportunity to glimpse this in advance, this time next year. Wow. At that point, my closest and only, would be Flo. (or maybe Flo's mom)

I don't know what could be worse. But I think it is the fact that my mom is away from me for so long and I would have no family except for Jules. I hate it.

My mom texted me as her bus got in motion. And she texted me just as she arrived. My sister has picked her up from the station. I feel so abandoned.


If it's these tears you are seeing, it's for my mom. It's for my lost sense of belonging. It's for the wonderful food that they will be having and I WON'T BE. It's for that wonderful shopping my sis and my mom will be having and I WON'T BE.

I replied my mom's text and said, "Thanks for letting me know. You enjoy your holiday. I miss you already." And then let out what I felt inside.

I didn't swim today. I wanted to. But I didn't. My pattern was already broken this morning when I left them at KL Sentral.




Okay. Focus.

When x bothers you, do y.


I need y for the next 5 days.