This coming weekend...

And I don't know how to drag myself through it..

Keeping a blog is like keeping track of a shit list. Maybe Qert said it right. I need to switch mode. Yet this is my outlet. For not being able to blow some steam, for not being able to have a real good session...

I was reading through it and it got me really heavy. And the Xanax I am carrying looks awfully tempting.

I went for my first breathing right wrongly at 5.00 pm. Before that, I stopped by to look for Lynn. She's left. She's left without a goodbye. And that is the one closure I would need to resolve myself. Lynn is leaving the company for the second time. Her calling came..

I went to search out Chairwoman. Not found where she normally is. I walked into my new best friend. She walked straight into my arms and we both stood there, in embrace. Despite what the rest of the team was saying, we were holding on to each other. She needed the strenght, I needed the proximity. She's not leaving tonight. She's leaving early tomorrow morning. She needs more strength and patience.

"Please can we go pollute?"

No, honey. I just came from there.

"Please, I need a drink and some pollution"

No, honey. No more. What I need is a stiff straight up.

"Can you get me a stiff straight up?"

Do you want me to slap you now or later?

"Please... Shine.."

I have to go.

"Shine... keep me strong.."

That goes without saying, honey...

She kissed my cheeks and we left the embrace.

And all the eyes around us pops. My new best friend is not a touchy feely person. We're both loud people. But when we lock in embrace and speak silently to each other, it was an inexplicable connection that we had. No one I know has that with me. Not even Chairwoman. Not even the girls I grew up with. Just my new best friend, and me...

A little bit later, I went downstairs to search out Chairwoman again. Her pager was beeping and she was running around. I went to sit next to my new best friend.

Do I look tired or sickly?

"No, honey... You look the best you could ever look... Has someone been telling you shit?"

Yes, a few comments. But it's nothing. Don't worry about me.

"But do I look like shit?"

No, honey... You don't...

"I need my soya bean milk.."

I need to get laid...

And it was at that point that I couldn't believe how stupid I was to talk about that, of all things. She broke down in front of the pc. She broke down in front of me. I went to hold her. And she had waterfall streaming down her beautiful beautiful face... And at that point, I wanted to stab myself with a rusty knife. Stupid silly Shine. Why did you go and say that?!!

She cried so hard and quietly. And I just kept holding her.

Honey, I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to say that. It was stupid of me. I'm sorry.. I wasn't thinking. Please... Don't...

And as I said it, I had crystalising moments. I am making my new best friend cry. Of all people, I am making her cry. Me. Relevant me. Making her cry.

"My mascara is running!! ha ha ha"

Honey...

"Shine, I'm okay. It isn't you.."

Honey...

She pushed me away.

And I just had to go and do that.. And I just had to go and speak without thinking and make her cry.

Zero was right when he called me a care-giver.. at least with my new best friend it was right.. And yet with my every interaction with her, I just need more strength to stop being selfish and give. Unconditionally. I'm just not my namesake when I'm with her.

I remember how we both met. Through coincidence. Our first shared laughter rang throughout B1 and my sweet china doll could hear me from around the corner. September 2005. I was standing at B1 looking at the pictures. Then this person came and stood next to me. Then pointing to a blank spot on the pictures she said, "Isn't he the most good looking man you've ever laid eyes upon?"

I have never had another girl speak to me that way before, breaking my state. I hate unwanted attention.

Why, yes.. He is.. Don't you think?

And we both started laughing. And we laughed so loud. Then we introduced ourselves.

On annual dinner night, she was on Chelle's performance team. After her award-winning performance, she came and stood next to me saying... "If I am not mistaken, that was the good looking man we were both looking at!" And she pointed to one of the big potatoes. And we both laughed till we nearly split our seams. "Come, I'm going to go grab a beer and chat him up!"

With that courage, I watch her go about her feat. I had a big smile on my face because that's what she did... She walked up to him, with her beer and introduced herself. I remember looking at that and nodding an approval. She looked across the room and smiled at me.

It was something I would do. That was a me. And she was that.

I'm sorry I made you cry. It wasn't my intention. I would never intentionally hurt you. I love you. And I will not hurt you. I will keep praying for you this weekend. Keep you strong. I would love to be able to take Ms. Mia and Mr. Road out again. I will remember to be mindful on our next interaction.. Thank you for being in my life, for being the person who finishes my sentences and reminding me that we're on stage. I love you.