Chance

I walked into a friend today. At least it wasn't dark and she didn't have he 80G iPod as a flashlight. We talked over lunch and she was trying a new mantra on me.

Think happiness. Think that you already have happiness. And it will come to you.

I wasn't sure if she was trying to sell it to me or to sell it to herself. But eitherway, I am glad I spent a little time with this infectuous person.

She is a happy person (in comparison) and she is optimistic, I think. She heard doubts in my voice and she sees concern on my face. And if we had more time, she knows I will be crying over our conversations.

She said to me, "I miss having good open conversations like this"

And I gave her a weary smile.



It's not good for me. But then we're always going to be each other's emotional toilets one way or another.


Change - Chance - I don't know. There's hardly anything that is consistant anymore. Hardly anything I can put a finger to it to call a me thang. It has just been that way recently. I don't feel like blogging, and when I do I lose sleep, Kimi doesn't start anywhere near pole position, or a lousy rave.

Maybe I just have high expectations. Maybe I just push myself too hard.

She said to me, "It's not about other people. It's about you. It's about your happiness."

Yes. I know. But that same idea is not something I will buy.

"Yup. I never got into it either. I'm too selfish"

What do I reply to that? I think everybody knows except the only person in the idea.



Don't conform to society. Conform to you. Yourself. Nobody is going to make you happy. Nobody loves someone who doesn't love herself (literally? *grin*)

I don't know if I'm beyond hope yet. I don't know if I'm a lost cause yet. I try and I cling so hard to not letting go of the only constant I have - my mom. my sis. and my CSI Supreme Sundays.


I don't want to put in the effort. I don't want to make it all shiny and new. I don't.

Does this look like a face that cares? Maybe too much.



I just want to be - never mind.