Conquering Fear

I think AR® taught this pretty well. Esp when we did the firewalking. We did the firewalking on the first night of UPW. And Deslex prepared me for it. He knew I could do it. He knew that I am going to be a Firewalker.

Which is precisely why I bought myself a Firewalker cap and initialed my name on it (the fact that the cap is pink is totally irrelevant) This cap cost me RM 90. Ha ha ha. Now don't ask me where this cap is. I only know where my Ferrari cap is!

Okay. So the moral of the story was : Deslex shared his sob story with me today.

And got me thinking. He really didn't make it easy for us Firewalkers, did he? But what he did was he got us support groups. If He didn't make it easy for us Firewalkers, what about the rest of them who are not Firewalkers?

I don't even want to think about it.

Yesterday, after the shocking new old news I just received, I shared with Deslex. And he said to me, gradually let it happen. Just start to put less meaning to it.

I thought I did. I really thought I did. For at least a while I thought I did and I thought I knew I did. But it really wasn't easy to remain in non-reaction.

It got me so riled up and panicky. By the time I got to the locker my fingers were shaking so badly I couldn't text. And when I tried calling Chairwoman her damned phone was dead. I called Jason. After I spoke to her about that, I said : Let's remain in non-reaction.

I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed

Would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
- Can't Not Alanis Morissette

I remained in non-reaction. For a bit. For a while. I was doing the victory cha-cha dance. (I remember Qert doing this after I got defeated by Finance and the same evening I received news on the then-boss going away for a bit) Ha ha.

Well, I did. Because along with this, I had a few other things to keep me occupied: My sissy at home. My F1 weekend.

Anyway, we all learn to conquer fear. I remember how I did it before I was a Firewalker.
Just Do It.

There I was, with Pau. And I took 5 minutes to catch my breath to jump down a height of 3 metres high into a deep end of 9 feet. Ha ha ha. Remember I cannot swim? Ha Ha Ha.
Pau pushed me aside and took 10 seconds to catch her breath and jump.


And I gagged.


Then when she was in the water below, she hollered up to me, "OH THAT WAS SO FUN I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!"

Crazy chick that girl (which is why I wonder what's happened to her since that earthquake!)

She jumped off that ledge twice. And I watched both times. I just stood aside and watched. (At this point, Pau, me and the guide has had a couple of those rollies ciggies) I still just stood and watched, despite the state I was already in.

I was afraid I was gonna knock my head on the rocks. But Pau's jumped twice. It couldn't be my aim was so bad.

I did it anyway. After procrastinating for about 15 minutes and watch Pau jumped twice.

When I got into the water, I had a rush of panic and they fished me out and placed me on a rock.

It was unbelievable. I'm going to do it again.

And I did. I jumped again.




Was that how I conquered fear? At least that fear of heights and water over my head?

But it doesn't mean that just because immunity sake I go and do it again. Because I don't think I could have survived another jump.


You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?
- Unsent Alanis Morissette

Yeah, for Alanis it was Terrence. For a lot of us, we could relate to our very own Terrences.


I don't think given the situation again I'd be able to do another Bree. I'm just not well composed enough. I'm not Kimi enough.

Okay. Forks in the road. I'll deal with it when I get to it.

For now, be glad that I just went for yoga in my new Adidas stretchy pants and top.



Birds of a feather, regretfully I don't flock. But I only just realise that with some people, refusing to flock is being hostile towards. Oops. Then you know she definitely doesn't watch 24. Maybe then she'd understand what hostile meant. Hostility. Hospitality. Maybe she mispronounced. Ha ha. I don't give two hoots. I've never regarded her, and I won't start.

Despite whatever you want to feed to me about this person, be it old news or new news.

Now give me one good reason to stop being who I am with her. And no, gnawing on the fact that I'm without compassion won't help.


In words of Rick : If I gave you any thought I probably would. (despise Ugarte)