Horatio

Not the best picture there is of Horatio.

But in black and white. And that to me, was what I was trying to say.

This is the man that made me lose sleep, just being fiction. I've never had a problem with H and Yalena. In fact, not even when he was seeing the DA. I've never lost sleep over how morbid the episodes has been. Never.

And Qert has to introduce me to the website with all the updates of all the CSIs you can ever want to indulge yourself in. From there, it made Qert puke more. And it made me sicker.

The huge black cloud from the aftermath of the website Qert and I was reading is still lingering. And that was how Lenore I was yesterday.

When we got to the part where H was with his new bride.. and she got shot down..

Alt+F4.

I had nightmares after nightmares from that one article on the website and that was Tuesday night. On Wednesday night as I sat in front of the TV watching a repeat of CSI : Miami while waiting for American Idol, I had to hold a book and try to not look at Horatio and melt when he does the side profile hands on hips... or when he does that looking on the floor while talking and holding his sunglasses and as he finishes his sentence, he puts them on. I had to focus on the book. I had to focus on something else than that love/hate emotion that I have for H.

The episode that was on last night was Dateline. The first frame of Horatio in that episode, was my favourite in all Horatio shots. It was the one that had me cooing.. always, all the time, everytime.

But yesterday night I watched this episode in front of the tv, with Bean on my hands and my pillow held tight to me. I was going to crystalise.

I've finished my Bean series a very long time ago. But conversations with Jin-wannabe-dorg-next-life got me rumaging all my books to find my Bean series. And I'm back on Bean like I was before.

Which was a mistake to choose Bean to keep me company while trying not to look at Horatio and hate him, or love him, I couldn't decide. I knew Bean already. I know the lines, I know the words. It's H that got me last night. And it was H that I didn't let go.

And to think that in being fiction he was going to be the best thing, as real as it gets, as great as it gets, as much as I can get. Anytime. All the time. Everytime.