Shine Some More!

F1 is back!

2009-03-31T00:39:00.002+08:00

The first race of 2009 proved to be a great win for the all-new Brawn GP. It was a 1-2 win on the podium.

Let the blog entry be the reminder again of how lucky a person Hamilton is. He started off last on the track and finished 3rd after Trulli got disqualified.

Did not lead me away from that ugly suspicions I have of Hamilton.. I won't voice it out ...

In a week's time, I will be lazing on a beach for a week and partying for 12 hours non stop of the soft sands of Haad Rin. :) That is of course, after I attend the Malaysian GP! Hahahaha....

Force!

2009-02-21T01:03:00.002+08:00

I want to be a force for good.

I have been sitting around, bumming, lazing, depressing for almost 4 months. For months and months I have wasted away this once energetic person full of passion. It is time for mending. If I cannot mend myself, I have to channel this frustration and this anger to a better focus.

I have decided proudly today, to be a volunteer. I must start somewhere. And starting somewhere selfless it is.

I have shared this with 4 people today. Out of 4 people, one was .. weird. This person told me to set my priorities right.

My mantra has always been the same, "It is not about the money".

I want to make myself and volunteer my time. For a good ending to some people. Lots of compassion, lots of tears, yes, I know that. But it is doing something, keeping myself busy and staying focused... So why is my choices and my decision met with such resistance by this person?

Because this person said, I must first help myself before I can help others. Would it also not seen that by helping others I help myself better?

Never ending broken heart

2008-12-31T00:05:00.002+08:00

A friend from the past recently described to me his "slump". He said he was tired, stressed and emotionally up and down.

He then went on to describe the sensation further as : feels like I've a never ending broken heart.

It really hurts to hear that. Because you know, there is a done-to and a do-er. At one point, we've been one of those. Receiving end, giving end. Right now, for him, it doesn't end.

I do not know of any words or consolation I can provide to him. As it was just yesterday I watched the first episode 1 of CSI Season 9. Warrick died and at the funeral, Grissom delivered the eulogy. Grissom said, the word of comfort, "I am sorry for your loss" really does not offer any consolation at all.

Yeah, I know - suffering from a broken heart does not mean the other party is dead. But it does mean that in some way, you are dead to that person. You no longer float her boat, or you no longer make her feel like spring has sprung.

Maybe it was the last thing I heard last night before I went to sleep, but I do find myself thinking, considering, if I would make a good Carrie.

Windmills Of My Mind by Sting - OST The Thomas Crown Affair

Silent Tears

2008-12-17T23:11:00.002+08:00

"Silent tears full of pride"

What brought them on? I guess it was as easy as the unsummoned ones like when I hear Fields Of Gold by Sting.

I realise that I do have some fear ruling my life. The most important one that I discovered ruling my life now is : I fear being judged.

Everybody judges. Even when they say they don't. Especially them Christians. They are always the first to judge.

Yeah, I didn't have that great a Wednesday morning as I geared up for a better 2009 as of March. But even that was no flying. A friend shared, said that is suppose to happen, to keep suspense high. No. So totally wrong. So totally misinterpreted.

Enough. That was one word I keep telling myself as I seek solace with this bad throat and a practicing to be an even better cough.

I often feel people not grateful enough. There, I judge. That is my verdict. I always ask, I always vent : When will anyone appreciate me?

Anthony Robbins say, thinking is the process of asking and answering questions. To have better results, you ask better quality questions. The question now is not "When will anyone appreciate me?"

It is why. And how?

With the why, therein lies why I have the fear of being judged. Why I have the fear of not living up to expectations, especially my own.

With the how, I ask more questions. Am I not doing enough for my family? Have I not prioritized properly now? Have I not done the best I have?

So many conflicting thoughts. So many unresolved issues. How am I going to use this time to better myself. How am I going to use this time to heal myself? When all I am is surrounded by all these guilt, hatred and pent up frustrations.

Being Outdoors

2008-12-16T00:08:00.002+08:00

We had the annual retreat just last weekend. And the usual thing that starts my annual retreat with the same group of people from the temple, is that, I am half expecting to hear a dedicated ring tone on my mobile, be it a message or a phone call. From that one person, the dedicated ring tone was Daniel Powter's Bad Day.

Silly me. That phone is gone now. That person is gone now.

And I have thought about him often. Maybe it was bad that I do not delete any emails coz Gmail has so much storage. Sometimes when I do a search on my emails, I find his. Sometimes long, sometimes short. Sometimes corny, mostly not.

But life has been such. And I have never been brought up as a social person or an outdoor person. But this weekend trip, made it so much more interesting.

We went white water rafting. It was in small doses. We did a 6 km raft. It was brilliant! I had so much fun. For the water confidence bit, we did two exercise that included floating with the current and the next (*so exciting*) was capsize drill. Wow! I had so much fun!

I didn't take many pictures. But that experience was good for me. My sissy and I had fun. Though our boat didn't capsize or that none of us fell into the rapids. But we had a good 6 km raft and took on the mother rapid :)

It was a tiring weekend. I slept. Finally...

Unprecedented

2008-12-01T01:39:00.002+08:00

The 3 in 48 is still unparalleled. But this title for this topic, I am pretty sure I have used it before.

Till today, till now, the dream still stands at only making it a great 2009 come the first quarter.
I am in no rush. Between now and then, I have plenty to keep me occupied. None of which includes male companionship.

This is a posting that is saying the same thing. Whatever perception there is of me, I will leave it at that. Life is about living it. Life is not about me pleasing you.

For whatever reason there must have been, towards the drive home this evening, I had a funny 5 seconds that was not funny. It was the exact opposite of funny. It was a very weird one at that. It was Rob Thomas' Ever The Same. I know that Shuffle mode is the only way I will ever hear this dedicated ring tone again.

Bygones.

New

2008-10-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

New look, new job, new environment, new connection, new relationships, new posting.

Just new. And all shiny.

Congrats, love. Take this and wing it! :)

Be Good

2008-08-22T17:16:00.002+08:00

I have finally decided to let up on this on-going frustration, pain and despair that has been going on for 8 years.

It was a brave decision to make. I am glad I finally have the guts to make that change.

Wish me luck for a good October onwards.

In celebration, I am going to spend a week in Singapore over the first night race ever! From Raya onwards, it is going to be a great year end!

Joni and Shine

2008-08-19T09:29:00.002+08:00

To those of you old enough to know Joni, you know about the Big Yellow Taxi. But most of the people these days would know about the Big Yellow Taxi as a remake. What happened to being original?

The Days Are Just Packed!

2008-08-13T11:36:00.002+08:00

There it is. The thing that has been keeping me up at night since Monday. ;)

Keith

2008-08-11T19:23:00.003+08:00

It's very normal. When I say I love Keith, they ask, "Urban?"

Doh. Not Urban, dumb ass. Richards!

Doh..

Common reaction. Come on, look at the guy. He looks like a hundred! Except that he floats my boat. I cannot find a more iconic rocker to have this done for LV's Core Campaigne. Kudos.

Calvin in London

2008-08-08T12:14:00.002+08:00

I caught this picture somewhere walking from The British Museum back to the tube station, Tottenham Court Road. It took me an hour to find the museum after exiting the tube station.

When I saw this stand outside the comic shop, I thought of 2 people.

3 in 48

2008-06-14T18:53:00.002+08:00

This is a dedicated post.

Thank you. 3 in 48.

"And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It may be quite simple but, now that it's done. I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world"

Feed Shine

2008-05-01T16:00:00.003+08:00

This is an appeal to all those out there to feed Shine.

Shine will be going out of the country on an adventure that is mostly solo every weekday for 3 weeks. This is a very last minute opportunity that presented itself and I am seizing it.

My cousin Lis, is the master mind behind this trip. (okay to be completely honest she was manipulated into it, thankfully not by me)

Thank you so far, to the sponsors of them Fish n' Chips. Those of you know who you are :

The Filth Element
Sg Siput Boy
Danny kor
Jin

I'm sorry I won't be able to present a token engraving my gratitude. But I will try my best to find them Union Jack tootpicks for you guys. I will do my best on them free souvenirs.

God knows I will try to maximise my pounds (or kg, whichever is higher) to the extreme.

Please feel free to contact me if you would like to donate to my fund.

Then again, why do you want to give to this cause?
Then again, it's Shine. What won't you want to do for Shine?

Kimi Does It Again!

2008-04-28T14:18:00.002+08:00

Kimi Raikkonen won the race from pole position - again!

Is there anything that this cool Finn can't do?

Between the last post in February and now, I have indulged in a few bad things..
1. Them in-ear Bose earphones
2. A wet trip to Cameron Highlands with Tom and Jerri and ever-faithful Lis
3. F1 weekend in Sepang
4. 4 visits to the same dentist over a period of 9 days
5. An indulging 5 nights stay in Bali with sissy and Lis at the beautiful Nusa Dua Beach Resort and Spa
6. Daddy's birthday
7. Lis' birthday
8. A pink oh-so-gorgeous Sony Cybershot T-70
9. A new Jim Thompson silk bag

I seriously need to stop.

Pretty soon I will be spending a lot of time in a cold place. I must conserve all my resources and make them pounds!

Wish me luck.

Blur Sotong

2008-02-05T20:54:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since I've blogged. In between, I have not bought any new shiny gadgets or any fancy spanking toy or done any serious shopping.

In fact, with CNY just in 2 days, I have not shopped for my new clothes, my new shoes, my new anything. I just have not had the time.

I spent every Sunday on the floor. I spend every Sunday on the floor. Festive or not, nothing is going to change that. I still love my floor. And I still love spending my Sundays at home smelling like home.

Except that last Sunday, I spent 2.5 hours in the temple. Last Friday I spent 8 hours in Genting with mom, dad, Sis Cecilia, Sis Cheng and Agent Ooi.

Life has not stopped spinning, (I mean work has not stopped spinning) since I got back from being tan with Lis all over again.

Of course now and then I still think of him. It's been more than a year. I just don't talk to myself about it anymore. I think it, but I don't think it out loud anymore.

Last I received any blank or any miscue was when I was doing my adventure run with LRT to Kelana Jaya and waiting for free shuttle to Ikano Power Centre. It was late, maybe about 9ish when the dark blank MMS arrived. That was some weeks ago. And that was last. The last ever.

I saw Qert for the first time this year, yesterday. And he commented that I looked more haggart than I ever did even when I was with Res. I guess it was true. That was 2 years ago when my priorities were different. Now, with new routine, with old-new office, with the looming dragon, with the absense of Head, I seriously need to fill in this uniform better.

I can never believe that April 2006 I moved into this office, come April, it will be 2 years in this old-new office. Hopefully with more space, better ventilation and a better direction.

This office has turned into memorial ground of rats and vermin alike. I do not know why or what attracts them to this office, but this is plague number 3. (First flies, second rats)

Never mind.

I am not being a Drama Queen right here. But I seriously need help. I need some divine intervention.

Consider this my cry for help or my prayers for salvation. I don't know how to call it or say it anymore, except that working throughout CNY with only my Sunday intact, right now has me only looking forward to one hour with Horatio.

I could use a hug right now. Or some strength, by just a touch.
Sigh..

Happy New Year 2008

2008-01-10T10:55:00.001+08:00

Happy New Year!

It's been weeks since I've blogged. I did my annual Singapore trip over Christmas. This time Rose and HS as a new edition. RY.

And... For the festive celebrations, I have went and got myself a few new toys...

Cost me a bomb, but then as I always say.. If I don't love me, who would?

That you see in the pic, is my new toy. And I love it. I love the slim smooth touch on my palm, just like how I love my second gen Nano. I now have a collection of 4 iPods. Do I really need so many? Well, the Shuffle has gone and died on me. So I have 3 active pods. That is all I need.

My 7 year old first gen Pod plays office music and houses 5 Alanis Morissette albums.
My second gen Nano houses my Rock education.
My new love, the iTouch houses all my mini Lenore episodes and whatever junk music I could load into it.

I love my music and nothing is going to come between that!

Me's Cut 'Em Tresses!

2007-12-18T17:03:00.000+08:00

This is after a visit to Eve on the Saturday's just passed.

I've cut 'em tresses!

What came over me, Eve asked.

Photo NOT taken with Nokia N95

Just arrived!

2007-12-12T13:27:00.001+08:00

This was when we just got to Bharat's. We had to get down the bus to go stretch our legs!

That's the 3 of us... Lis and LT very colour coordinated.

Pic taken by N95

Cameron This Time Round...

2007-12-10T20:11:00.000+08:00

My last trip to Cameron, I remember standing at the side of the road. With tears in my eyes.

This trip to Cameron, it was with 80 other people. Thankfully out of 80 other people, 6 are family. My mom, my dad, my sis, my bro in law, Lis and her younger sis, LT.

It was Tom's birthday and mom's staff retreat.

One night stay, me, Lis and LT in one room. I slept on the floor. Dad slept on the sofa. Tom and Jerri took up one room. Mom along with 3 other aunties in the master bedroom.

It was a long and tiring weekend. The itinerary was packed with empty pockets of time in between. We did the usual sightseeing, this time with no Tsu-Chi in between. No quiet moments no reflections. What we had was plenty of mushroom and corn.

Don't ask.

It was cold. And I hate cold. I'm just not a cold person. I was irritated. But being my father's daughter, I had my stash of brandy with me. Kill me. Haha! Or else I probably wouldn't have been able to sleep.

KL Live and Loud 2007

2007-12-07T12:20:00.001+08:00

The Live and Loud Series has came and gone.. and I am proud to say I went for 4!

Best of 80s
R&B
Accoustic
Turn of the Pop

Yay!!

To Singapore or Not To Singapore?

2007-12-01T12:42:00.000+08:00

A friend from the past, not sure if it's a good thing or not, is leaving to Singapore to pursue a career. Because the grass here is no longer green and Singapore looks to be better pasteurs.

As a friend, I support.

As a friend, I also loose a friend to distance.

Now I think I know why I don't blog as I used to. Same tune I'm singing, "What's the point?~!"

Life in Fast Forward

2007-11-20T21:08:00.000+08:00

Or maybe life in stillness, in quiet. Indifference.

You see, since the "project" I have taken 2 holidays and many days in between to clear my head. Both holidays has been with Lis/Jules and both has been to Langkawi.

I loved nothing more than to sun my skin baked-brown. And this is my first posting since almost a month ago. Deslex will be surprised to find out.

Since my birthday, since so many things, since so many other things in between and all... I still do not know and cannot figure how to blog directly from my hp. It is a clever little thing. But I'm just not cleverly lethal enough for it.

I do not know how to chronicle or document the past events. Except the next big one is coming up. Clash of The Times. Federer vs Sampras.

Life is looking up. I wish I meant it as I type it.

Have I not learnt anything different in the last 2 months? Have I not realised that stifling comment, I am and can be better without?

Ah, sod it. Come what may.

Kimi - My World Champion

2007-10-23T09:33:00.000+08:00

The last race of the season in Interlagos proved to be the best race ever in this season. This race sees as many as 6 cars out after the first 20 laps.

Brilliant driving by Kimi Raikkonen on lap 1. Hamilton has inherited Kimi's old car and problems. Finally!

Never mind, who cares that Kimi won by a point. The point is, he did win!

I am glad that finally Ferrari has made Kimi a champ!

Kudos!

Aged and Tanned

2007-09-28T12:09:00.000+08:00

It's been ages since I blogged. Since the last post, I have taken a holiday, and moved in with my sis.

This transition period went well on the both of us, I think. I have not spoken to him except when it came to the property and what to do with it.

I came back from a holiday with Jules at Langkawi, 3 nights. Just a chilling laid back holiday. No drinking till we pass out, no picking up strange men, no impulsive shopping, nothing. Just a budget holiday two of us, no itinerary nothing to keep us.

Except me lying on the beach hours at a day. That, was the itinerary.

I came back home late on a Saturday night. But glad I could keep Jules for another night.
It felt strange going back home to mom's. But mom is still mom. And I hugged her and told her how much I've missed her. I asked if she missed me too. Which she did not reply to.

But I know I needed her more than she needs me.

I told myself, that's all it takes to get me through this : My mom, my sis, Jules, my bro-in-law, my dad and maybe a job. A job like the one I wished I got.

Anyway... Keep focused. This is what I want.
I'm not bawling my eyes out. Coz there was nothing to mourn for.

Separate lives that became a routine.

Jacky Cheung

2007-09-17T18:09:00.000+08:00

It was my first ever canto-pop concert. I did not know why I decided to go for it. Maybe coz Jacky's been here for countless time and the last time I wanted to catch the musical "Snow● Wolf ● Lake" the tickets were too pricey and Steve was not willing. He's not a musical person. Neither was many of my other friends when they found out the price.

So it was that, and the moment I heard of Jacky's concert I was determined to go.

As we arrive in heavy traffic, very late on that Friday evening, I asked myself again, "What was I thinking going to an all-chinese concert?!"

First, it was the congregating of Bengs. Second, it is songs I don't know. It is songs I cannot relate to.

Anyway, tickets were bought many months ago. We're going.

We parked and headed to the stadium.

We had numbered seats and no one was in our seats when we got there. It was relatively good seats coz our ticket was priced at RM 198 per person.

To my left and to my right, were teenager and no one close to my age. Till a few rows ahead. There was a row of uncles and aunties.

Jacky has been singing for 23 years. Many could relate to him. So it wasn't surprising that old and young came to watch him.

He's a brilliant entertainer. Explosive first song. But explosive was the song. Titled "Love Sparks" (or something like that. My Mandarin nor my Cantonese is barely there)
Gladly, I wasn't the only banana there. Ask the Melaccan Deslex. He was there too.

It wasn't until he was free-wheeling and shouting his heart out that I truly enjoyed myself. Coz I yelled my heart out too. And wished I was free-wheeling with him.

The concert was much too formal. The audience was much to silent and behaved. Unlike the previous concerts that I've been to. But I guess Canto-Pop goers are generally timid crowds. They didn't cheer very loud, they were very paiseh about things and I just looked left and right in awe. It was unbelievable how well behaved this bunch of ppl are.

I wish I could jump out and dance to some of his fast songs and wished I could be on the field just dancing to his music. But everyone was glued to their seat and I just felt.. out of place.

Concerts to me, were not defined to that. To just that.

But either way, he delievered a brilliant performance. All worth it for the headache and the money.

I shared conversations with Jules and Jerri Berry after, they were equally amused.

Thank you Jacky. You're an amazing performer. My top Canto-Pop singer (coz you're the only) Too bad Emil too bad Lee Hom, I didn't make it to your concerts. But then again, not easy. Not cheap ;)

Brilliant. And thank you for singing the golden selection and bringing back wonderful memories. More than 10 years ago, when I was still playing music, your pieces were my chosen exam pieces. I loved your music then, I loved it now (though never understood it)

Thank you.

A Weekend Never Before

2007-09-17T12:53:00.000+08:00

It was a long and different weekend. The "project" was finally done. I'm still waiting for the wave of euphoria to hit me. And as usual, everything anticipated disappoints.

Honey & Jones

2007-09-04T20:41:00.000+08:00

Jerri Berry hatched her gotchi 4 days after Honey. And named him Jones coz Tom was dancing around the house to Tom Jones' songs. And when she found out the gotchi was a boy, Tom said, "Tom Jones?" and raised one side of his eyebrow.

She burst into laughter and named her gotchi Jones.

On Thursday night, Jules, Jerri and I congregated at home to usher in the National Day. And to keep idle hands occupied while tongues are flapping, we played mahjong.
(Some might say it's the other way round, no it's not)

Unfortunately, Jerri was shutting down by 11.30 pm. And they went home by scooter, to avoid the Merdeka crowd.

Jules stayed with me and mom till 2.00 am. It was the first time mahjong centre was open till 2.00 am with Jules' attendance.

The weekend follows and came good. The girls went out on Saturday to watch Transformers. And for me, my third seating. Cool. I enjoy the movie and it has a great soundtrack too.

But something else was always the topic of our conversation. Something I anticipate. Maybe not them two. But definitely me.

Family can be the greatest and the worse thing that ever happened to you. Looking at Jules and my sissy, I am so glad that they are here to help me, to harbour me, to support me and to keep me strong.

I do not think my decision is wrong, nor is it right. Like what zero says, "there is no right or wrong, only what's appropriate" Maybe this for me is appropriate.

Enough said. More then. Or more after this weekend. Saturdays seems to be the only day that picks me up.

Thank you for being there for me.

Sunday Race Day

2007-08-27T18:53:00.000+08:00

The Sunday that was the race day, proved to be a totally different Sunday than I have ever had. First of all, I spent only 3 hours on the floor. And then, I didn't stay lazy and smell like home.

I actually went out. Despite that my head actually felt heavy. And I was feeling like... a walking zombie.

Saturday evening probably didn't stay to well with me. I hardly slept any bit. I gave up at 11.00 am, my usual Sunday morning wake up time. And went about to salvage my day. With 3 hours of CSI Supreme Sunday.

It was a Ferrari 1-2. Beautiful.

Honey

2007-08-24T19:22:00.000+08:00

Honey is the name of my Tamagotchi pet. She is a v4.
Honey is the ugliest shit ever. She is 46 years old today (1 day = 1 year)

And I know she's gonna live to be senior citizen.

I wanna talk about Jules' luck with the first gen Tamagotchi. ha ha ha.. But it's Friday. And Fridays I am Not In Love. So.. I want nothing more than to curl up with a book and some tea.

The best is yet to come.

REMINDER!

2007-08-17T18:36:00.000+08:00

People who have kids or are having kids, raise your kids better.

Some stay kiddish at heart and grows up to be an old little boy. And makes it everyone elses responsibilities.

I can't believe I have so much angst in me today.

Killing Me Softly

2007-08-17T17:03:00.000+08:00

Qert has this knack of making me feel like the tinniest tiniest person who doesn't put in much effort to make my idea work.

Time and again, he speaks to me like he would to himself (I think) about keep giving it 110%. He is in it for life.

I wish I had that conviction.

But what was different and what was eye opening to me was, I saw this whole thing with a twang of irony. It made me laugh. But what Qert pointed out, didn't make me laugh. Because it's very simple : I don't care!

I don't care how they perceive my idea. I don't care what they want to say about my idea. I'm in my idea and I know what's happening. And I don't need to live pretentious and live up to their expectations of my idea. They are NOT in my idea.

If they were, I would have done the same thing that crazy woman did. Give her a piece of my mind. And do tell her to get her offspring and all left's of them out of my life.

I cannot be bothered to put up with people so petty.

Madonna's Confessions Tour

2007-08-15T20:06:00.000+08:00

That's a great DVD!

And watching the behind the scenes was so inspiring. Madonna, such an icon...

And I think again, 10 years of training for dancing. All those years growing up telling my mom I want to be in a dance company! All those years of me watching Baryshnikov.. Sigh!

I wanted so much to be a dancer. And dreamt of a life that I probably should have made for myself.

Maybe I didn't want it bad enough. Maybe I didn't do it good enough.

Over last weekend, I was talking about it with my mom.

"Do you remember sending me for tournament?"

"Do you remember being there for me for all my rhythmic gymnastic competitions, my gymnastic competitions, my ballet performances, my Chinese Folk Dancing, my tours with the Kuen Cheng girls?"

My mom did. She was there for me. Every time. All the time. Without fail. She was my pillar of strength and she dreamt me a life that she knew I wanted.

And I spent 7 years right here.

And told her I will spend this year making it better than it was before.

Trust I seek and I find in you everyday for us something new
Open eyes to a different view and Nothing Else Matters

Garfield To The Cure

2007-08-14T14:11:00.000+08:00

I got this from Deslex. Garfield : I hate Mondays to The Cure : Friday I'm In Love (Not)

I have been in (not) love for many Fridays now. It's almost as if Friday I'm Not In Love more than Friday I'm In Love. And it didn't help watching Feels Like Heaven or being at Planet for a drink with CW listening to the lines... "whenever I'm alone with you you make me feel like I am home again".

So many things has happened. I have watched and finished all of Entourage, all of Grey's Anatomy, all of CSI Miami Season 5, all of Nip/Tuck, all of Desperate Housewives. Everything. You name it, I've watched it.

It has been that many Sundays on the floor, uninterrupted.

That many days in between that I have felt like not blogging. I don't care, really. I've lost it. A blogger's block. Don't even know how to put it together nicely anymore.

Jules, with whom I spend many Saturdays with has been alternating between home, work and hospital. And me, as closest relative and in terms of home too, is not being very supportive.
She gets off work at 1 am. And I have no idea how she goes home, now that her dad is lying in the hospital. I was gonna go pick her up last night (or early this morning) but I waited for her call till 1 am and fell asleep.

I stayed up with Madonna and towards the end, sneaks a gin & t. And I wonder why I fell asleep waiting for her phone call.

The call didn't come. At 2.30 am she texted to say, she's home. Not like I was awake to pick up the text...

At 4 am I woke with frenzy, OMG, JULES! and checked my phone.
She's safe. She's home.

I'm lousy. I'm a lousy chaperon and I'm a lousy cousin sister. She lives 2 blocks away, works in a city out of the city and I can't even pick her up from KL Sentral to home.

Julius has been closer to me since she became replacement than she ever was, when she was just cousin. I hope her dad's alright. We love him. Or else who would be so kind to send Daffy Daph home and put up with 3 girls singing in the car high on caffeine at 1 am?

I am going to be better, Jules. For you, for me, for my family, for your family. For the both of us. Coz we only have each other.

I love you, my JT. Hang in there, everything's gonna be alright...

His First Day

2007-08-07T09:27:00.000+08:00

On Qert's first day back, he came to my office to look for me. He wanted to tell me in person that "He's back". And I pulled a bookie-Shine on him. And I told him, I'll let it go right after I am done dragging him through the mud.

Forgiving and letting go after dragging him through the mud was not as difficult as I have expected it to be. It was Deslex who sent me some wisdom words to my email on how to be a bigger, better person : To be a man. To be exact, to be more Christ-like.

And as usual, Qert and Shine interactions are very animated. But it usually the same end result, I speak. He listen. He slap. No, it wasn't any different this time.

He came back, and provided me with giggles. It was only his first day back and he knew all the juicy gossips already and who is a good blow and who's whose.

Such fun being out there, and it's so different seeing the world through his eyes and listening to him talk candidly.

And suddenly he made an observation. The next line after that he said, "You need some chocolates, girl".

And then there were flashbacks of us at the Deli counter, he's just bought me an Easter Egg and I smashed it all up right after SP placed it in front of me. I remember what a liberating feeling it was, being able to smash up an Easter Egg.

And Qert's next words was, "You want another one?"

I always remember Qert being there for me. And it's a comfort to know he's back again. It was true when they said and they repeated to me, "Shine will be so glad to know Qert's back!"

I know that someone will be there to slap my face when I do something silly. And I know someone will be there to put sense into me when I need help reinventing. And I know how much I value each and every one of them.

Till this morning, I still look at my key chain and smile. Yeah, I should move on. I do miss those time. But you know what, I was happiest then. It was the first time I was a priority.

It's been a week since he's back and I've not caught up with him. Like everybody in Operations, he's probably running ahead full speed and left his brains somewhere. It should catch up with him soon. Or else it will be knock-knock from inside jar.

3 Girls In The Dark

2007-08-03T21:07:00.000+08:00

This is a pic of 3 girls, after their spa treatment and feeding mosquitoes. I don't remember if I took this pic or my sis took this pic. But I know all 3 of us tried to take this pic and this is probably Experiment 525 or 624. Don't know.

There is so many things I want to say, but there's always this thing : What's the point?

Everything goes away. Everything fades. Everything goes from obvious to oblivious.
Qert went from Here to Not Here to Back Here.

What's the point? Everything comes back.

7th Year Anniversary

2007-07-25T19:30:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was my 7th year anniversary with this company.
I don't know if I want to say somemore to that. Coz Sheryl Crow said it right : "A change would do you good"

Cough Cough

2007-07-16T09:03:00.000+08:00

I think everyone who knows I have a blog knows I love to blog. But my last blog entry was 6th July and today, it's 16th July. It's been 10 days. 10 days of silence. 10 days of absense.

So many things has happened. It means that when I am at my the point where I have no voice to express my feelings, I am blogging. I am putting it down in words.

I have been down with a bad throat since Friday and Saturday and Sunday I was flat out. Saturday not so much flat, I still had time to get my nails done. Coz it was only my throat that was bugging me. On Sunday afternoon, I was running a temperature. On Sunday evening, I was desperately trying to sleep it off.

On Monday morning, I find myself at my desk looking at all the impossible.
I should have stayed in bed and cured myself of this bone aches and temperature and sounding like a Tina Turner drag gone bad. Before I feel I am strong enough to face all these paper chaos on my table.

It first starts with me. But today is Monday. Do you know what that means?

Up and Down

2007-07-06T21:36:00.000+08:00

I've have this pick up-let down feeling so many times today I know the Happy Pills were definitely a way better solution.

When was the last time I spoke about turning to my Happy Pills? Ah, yes. Probably the night I was on the line with ex-boss with signature frown, 2 nights ago. He asked if I have stopped that shit. It's quite easy for a boss to be able to read their staff, huh? Maybe he's just perfected his penetrated whithering frown and it works over the phone. Don't know.

But talking to ex-boss The Man, was definitely a trip back. He laughs it off like it was just ciggie ash that's just landed on his baju or something. He talks about life and love and everything in between. But mostly about knocking my stupid head for still some lingering habits.

So, no.. I have not been near those shit. But it was only 2 nights ago that we were talking about it. And now I am thinking about it and blogging it. Recency effect?

Boss, if I'm not any better, I'm certain Qert will be free to slap me whenever he is not just simply parking in the building.

Thank God there is a contant man in my life for the next 6 episodes, and the last 6 hours of Jack Bauer's day.

Coz there is no more of The Boys till Season 3 Part 2. And 24 has ended at Season 6 Part 2. Maybe I should pick up McDreamy and McSteamy all over again...

Or Carrie and Big.

Or start reading one of my exceeded-quota books. Ha ha.

It's definitely going to be a long chat with Him tonight. I have many things to reflect and repent... I wish I was a better person. (I don't need to be bigger, coz I already am - horizontally!)

Good News

2007-07-06T16:57:00.000+08:00

It's very cute. I just received flowers sent to my office...

Thank you for picking me up and thank you for being thoughtful. You didn't have to. But I appreciate it.

If I have spoiled you by accompanying you to have pork for lunch, you are very much mistaken. It is comfort food to me and I am only doing it because I enjoy your company and I love pork myself.

And no, I didn't need another handbag, but that's besides the reason why I didn't buy it. It was pink and my name was written all over it. You could see it, and also on my face.

Thank you, beautiful soul.

Books Books Books!

2007-07-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

So since I was out last night to watch Transformers, I stopped by Kino and bought 4 books. I'm in so serious trouble with these books. I've used up my quota. No more books for this year! :O

o_O

That's just so me. And I look so Lenore.

Please send good news. Please send good news. I hate the Friday I'm in today.

Time to whip out brick Pod and tune in to some Frank. Ha ha. I have Jamie Cullum!

wait. no mush on Friday. esp not this Friday. Change.

hmm... Blade Soundtrack... *evil grin*

Impact

2007-07-06T10:11:00.000+08:00

This is the emotional toilet flushing effect.

I heard from a colleague this morning about her last 2 days. And if the news brought tears to my eyes, I can only imagine what it has done to her for the last 2 days. She is such a strong person to still go on. Still coming to work, still putting up a front.

All 8 months plus that I have spent, not a day goes without me associating anything with then. And I can only imagine how long it will take for her to get past this. It was a 4 year investment.

She was telling me about female intuition. Which I think mine failed me very badly.

Of course there were signs, of course there were reasons, of course there were slap-me-in-the-face obvious hints. But if being honest and considerate is not part of a person's values, then I cannot blame myself for being blind to it.

Some people are verbal, some are visual, with my sense in music and everything else, it has to be audio. I can't read off an email and expect closure. I need stereo! I can't expect to see them together and think the worse, I don't know. I'm just not that way.

But hearing her tell me her story, my heart goes out to her. And all of a sudden it was my Friday being bad, and this Friday, I'm NOT In Love.

Maybe coz it's close to bleeding.. Maybe it's time to bring out the Happy Pills and just try to make it past today. Tomorrow will be a better day.

I still hate weekends. But at least tomorrow I will have Jerri Berry and on Sunday I will have Jack.

My New Obsession

2007-07-05T11:15:00.000+08:00

Lovelight lyrics

Kimi Wins First

2007-07-02T12:53:00.000+08:00

It was Kimi winning first and it was at Magny-Cours. It must have been a really good race.. coz I didn't manage to catch it. It's the first time this season that I have missed a race.

If I didn't even miss a race at my wedding ceremony, this must be a real heck of a wedding ceremony that I miss a race for it.

I'm glad that Kimi did finally win a race and Ferrari is back in the running on Constructor's Championship.

And break Hamilton's stride for a bit. ;)

My weekend with Jack has been so wonderful.. that I wish it was still the weekend.

Blog more about Jules and my adventure on Sat later. Be good.

Serious Sunning

2007-06-29T18:30:00.000+08:00

Some serious sunning tomorrow morning.. with some serious girls. (ie Me and Jules) ha ha!

The End Of The Boys

2007-06-29T07:48:00.000+08:00

In my enthusiam to watch more of The Boys, I ended up finishing the entire Season 3 Part 1. That's it. It's all done. All finished in 12 episodes. No more Vince. No more E. No more Ari.

I found it difficult to sleep last night. Vince has just fired Ari. What a way to end Season 3 Part 1. I hate it. I hate hate hate.

Such good story line, but so so pisses me off. Wow. That's it. You know.. no more. Now I gotta wait.

The wonderful thing about The Boys is they never disappoint. They don't. It is 99% better than the men in my life. Well.. If it's that way. Well.. sigh.

Entourage

2007-06-27T14:03:00.000+08:00

The Boys are a happy bunch in my life. There cannot be anything anyone can do about it. I love watching them.

When I watch them, it's easier than watching Sex & The City. It transports me to a different world. Where I don't have what I have and I don't face what I face. It is just good stories and crisis of this superstar.

Lovely. I spent 2 hours last night with Jack and 2 hours with The Boys. Just splendid. I do not ever want to do anything else but be with The Boys.

That's Vincent Chase in the middle. Just lovely and amazing.

Oh My God, Finally!!

2007-06-26T11:19:00.000+08:00

I have missed The Boys and their nonchalant ways for so many months now.
Not to mention I've got the Season 1 and 2 somewhere hiding, trying not to remember it's there or just trying not to remember who it actually belongs to.

But sod it. It's Season 3 now. If I cannot forgive, I must do with just forgetting.

Last night, I put on the first disc to Season 3 Part 1 and sat down with The Boys for 2 hours. How I've missed E and Vincent Chase!! Wow. Aquaman was such a hit!!

I am glad that I choose out of a bag, something like The Boys and still be able to enjoy the feel-good and not all the mis-associations I have with many un-associated things. (Don't ask)

Anyway, E is still Vince's manager. Ari's gotten his own agency. Lloyd's still with him. Johnny Drama is still Johnny Drama.

Whatever it was before, it's how it still is.

If I have been harping before, I probably still am.
And you're not helping. But thanks for company when I didn't need to be alone with my horrid thoughts.

Over And Under

2007-06-26T10:17:00.000+08:00

I had a weekend that I was muchly looking forward to. Like everything over-anticipated, it has that Murphy feel to blow up in my face.

I woke up by 7 am and then found out at 7.25 am that the person going on this trip decided to cancel on me.

Some people are callous.

Which makes me wonder how am I going to bounce back from this.
How how how?

So what I did was spend Saturday at home, mopping around and being totally pathetically sorry about my weekend and did something about it in the evening. I went on a solo adventure to make it to The Curve. I wanted to spend some money.

Deslex knew when my plans got cancelled, he knew I was going to go out for some retail therapy. But then again, in many things I am very predictable. So I am. So I be.

On Saturday evening alone on the free shuttle, I received Laine's call for an invitation to her place on that very same evening. I decided to go. It should be good to go be with people in the state and condition I'm in. (or so I tot)

Saturday night at Laine's had the entire Embassy over at her place. (almost) And 6 asian faces. That's us.

The night ended early for all 6 of the asian faces. I didn't wish or wanted it to have been that way. Lord knows I wanted very much to have my Melaka weekend. And something to do on a Saturday night would have been very nice.

Plus this weekend there was no Jules, there was no Jerri Berry.. which was the best time for me to go away on a Melaka weekend. But because I did'nt expect my weekend cancelled, I ended up having no family or friends around me. I know I'm screwed. But I had to salvage my weekend.

I bought a pair of crocs. (again)
I bought countless pairs of earrings. (again)
I bought a top from MNG. (a first)

On Sunday, I woke with a wonderful thought. My sis is coming back from The Land of Cheap DVDs. But because the two loving Tom and Jerri Berry went on their little active scooter, it is going to take them... a very long time to get home. Sigh.

I woke up all morning and stayed enthusiastic.
I even took my mom out to buy dinner. Just two of us, taking the train, spending an hour together. I wanted to do this coz I know it's a dinner my sissy would enjoy.

At 6 pm, my dad announce they've arrived. And I ran downstairs to receive them. I was so happy to see her I was almost crying (besides the fact that she's bringing me Jack Season 6) And I told her, "I didn't have lunch coz I wanna have big dinner with you! Let's go upstairs and eat eat eat!"

I'm glad I have a sister like her. And I wish sometimes she be glad she has a sister like me. I mean, I am what I am. And I am how I am. I try to be better. But sometimes it's not like there was any point to it.

I immediately started on the CSI Season 7 last 4 episodes and Heroes Season 1 last 3 episodes. And my Sunday didn't end till it was Monday.

For it not for Tom and Jerri Berry, I would have been very sad and practically crying all weekend.

The Journey This Weekend

2007-06-22T17:27:00.001+08:00

Last year, when I went with the spiritual retreat to Melaka.. it was during a time when Bad Day was really looked forward to.

Tomorrow morning, I am making a trip to Melaka again.This time, with hopes of different things to achieve. Let's hope the satay celup taste better. And the retreat, spiritually or not, would be a good one for me.

I don't know if it was much looked forward to or not. But at least I know it's good makan.

Satay Celup here I come!!

Dropping News

2007-06-21T20:17:00.000+08:00

Oi. Deslex.. Given you KNOW the high expenditure I have incurred this month... it is not fantastic news when he dropped on my lap that The Cure's having a concert in Singapore on 1st August.

I was just absolutely crazy over it.

All my Cure albums.. oh my god.. all the more reason to start listening to them again! I have been on such a high since I heard of this concert.

Again, it's not always about me. So.. let's wait for the high to go low. Then we'll be able to see and think better about this.

Right about now... what's good is go home and hope that Tom and Jerri Berry made it to The Land of Cheap DVDs with two wheels and is safe. What a sister for not calling them earlier to check. Hmmphh..

They are the only two person I know who would handle perseverence on two wheels all the way up to The Land of Cheap DVDs. Sigh.

Okay, horrid girl. Get out of the way. I wanna go to sleep.
I wish some of my MSN emoticons would work here. I'd so love to do a /poke.

Anyway, again.. Feeling Like A Monday But Someday I'll Be Saturday Night...

Tomorrow's Friday. Friday I'm In Love.

Feeling Like A Monday But Someday I'll Be Saturday Night

2007-06-21T16:11:00.000+08:00

Since Monday, I have had 3 visits to 2 different doctors. Given 2 injections over 3 days.

It's been my toughest 3 days ever.

It's Thursday. But I know I could relate to "Felling Like A Monday But Someday I'll Be Saturday Night".

Sigh.

Wrenching Guts

2007-06-19T12:36:00.000+08:00

As it takes a lot of guts to be able to accept it.. I did the only thing possible.

I am too old for this shit. But I seem to be the only person reacting to being old.

Over the weekend, Jules, Ting and me was over at Jerri Berry's place. A much needed getaway for all 3 of us girls. Don't ask.

It was just the girls spending time together. Doing girly things.

Sigh.

I got home on Sunday afternoon and slept it away. Got up at 9 to begin my CSI Supreme Sundays. I was quite reluctant to go away, but manage to have my Sunday floor time all planned out.

By the time it was Race Day, I was throwing my guts out and made very good friends with my toilet. Yes, upsetting news that Kimi did not start anywhere close to pole position.

But the time the race started, I was at throwing up round 2.

I had such a headache that I fell asleep there on the floor. By the time I was found, I was feverish and having cold sweats.

I'm getting old.

I was woken up and asked to get into the room, under proper blanket and drink some water.

I had difficulties sleeping coz I know the race is on. And I want to watch Kimi win a race (yeah, right) and the sounds of these powerful engines was playing at the back of my head.
In my fevered condition, I could not get out of bed.. and my tummy was aching so bad. I wasn't sure if I was crying of sweating as I fell asleep.

On Monday morning I woke up and decided to get myself some milk, bad choice. Coz I once again made friends with my guts in the toilet.

And the pain did not stop. Not a wink beginning 7.30 am.

I woke up with no wonderful notions of any help any changes any difference. Because I know what I had was a wonderful dream. It was a wonderful "what if" and it was not possible.

If it was not an option back in November, it is not an option now in June.

And no. This is not a message for any particular person.

Needing A Specialist

2007-06-15T17:51:00.000+08:00

Music tuned on : Jagged Little Pill.

On Wed night, I skipped my usual bendy bender and went home. I was feeling like crap anyway. I thought some sleep would do me good.

At 9 pm, after an hour, I was still digging my left eye for my missing contact.
At 9.15 pm, I successfully removed my contact and made my left eye red and swollen. And very very wrinkly.

I panicked. My mom panicked. I was sent to the nearest GP.
He gave me eye drops and recommendation letter to a THONEH.

But I went home early for a reason that Wed night. I was going to spend it with Gil. And I did. I spent one hour with Gil with one eye open. I finally looked like my Skype ID.

Isn't it Ironic?

On Thursday morning, we parked at Laine & Eric's place as visitors and walked across to the hospital, very much to the dismay of the security personnels there. Ha ha. Yes, call their unit. They know we're parking there. In fact, it was recommended by Laine, who no longer works at the Embassy. And Laine invited us for coffee even.

Ha ha

But we didn't stop at Laine & Eric's for coffee.

We went straight to get my eye checked out.

Little did I expect it to take an entire morning. But it was pretty okay. Dr. said my vanity is intact. I mean my eye is intact. No damages done. I can go on being vain.

Oh my favourite sin!

I left the specialist's with a grin and look forward to the next few days spending it with one of my many pairs of glasses.

What followed on Thurday evening left much to be desired for. Again my parents was wishing it didn't happen under their roof. And again I was wondering why and how come I am such a weak person.

The only person of quality in my life is someone who is not hurting me and is looking out for me. I know and I appreciate that. It is the only kindness I have in my life.

And I wish I believe myself to be worthy of such an emotion. Maybe I need to try on the new mantra. Maybe I need to work out better for me. Maybe I should stop shortchanging myself on this.

Coz no matter what happens, I let it happen to me first. I treated myself this way. If I did not, no one would have gotten away with the way they treat me.

Okay. Enough.

It's time to build character.

The next time he tries, he won't even get the pleasure of seeing me cry. Again.

If only it would have been as easy as dealing with the damage with my eye, needing a specialist.
Sigh.

Can You Stomach It?

2007-06-13T19:03:00.000+08:00

No.

At this point the Chai didn't sit very well with me. And I'm sitting frowning at a foreign desk I'm working from.

My feel-good all day today flew out the window with my Chai.

In replacement, I got something for my board. It's consolation. And it's at least an alternative. How many get to say that they have something for their wall of fame?

It's not red. But it will do for now.

Okay. Let's face it. Last night didn't sit very well with me. And it was my fault. Bad judgement. Bad decisions. I repent and don't do it again.

At the end of the day, it's going to be me on Judgement Day. Me and Him. And I don't want it to have come to that.

Constantine was trying to buy his way back to heaven coz he was a suicide. But God doesn't work that way, does He? So think about it and think about what lies for you when it comes to Judgement Day.

I'm not going to push and shove as it is my decision, my call and I made a bad one. So I have to put this behind me and move on.

Qert was talking to me. And he knows how it is going on with me. And I didn't know if he could stomach my confession. But he said, "tell me" anyway. Which is what I expected him to say.

He didn't say, "Stupid girl". He didn't say, "What were you thinking, girl!"
No. He didn't.

He's too Christian for that. Instead he said something to even rub it in and made me writtle into the ground. He said, "I'll pray for you".

"You have a higher moral, that's why. You could do with a lot more of talking with Him".

Yes. I could.

"Pray for strength, pray for patience. I know you're on the right track".

He didn't believe that I could do it. But he believes that prayers are going to help me go a long way, at least a way better than me thinking I'm doing this alone.

Thank you. Thank you for telling me. Thank you for calling a spade a spade. I know how it is. I know how it seemed like and I know I will work towards this in a better way.
I sincerely do not know how to be a better person without any gratitude in my life.

Thank you - mommy, daddy, Jerri Berry and Jules. Thank you for being my strength. Thank you for being what family means to me. Thank you.

I love you.

Chance

2007-06-12T17:18:00.000+08:00

I walked into a friend today. At least it wasn't dark and she didn't have he 80G iPod as a flashlight. We talked over lunch and she was trying a new mantra on me.

Think happiness. Think that you already have happiness. And it will come to you.

I wasn't sure if she was trying to sell it to me or to sell it to herself. But eitherway, I am glad I spent a little time with this infectuous person.

She is a happy person (in comparison) and she is optimistic, I think. She heard doubts in my voice and she sees concern on my face. And if we had more time, she knows I will be crying over our conversations.

She said to me, "I miss having good open conversations like this"

And I gave her a weary smile.

It's not good for me. But then we're always going to be each other's emotional toilets one way or another.

Change - Chance - I don't know. There's hardly anything that is consistant anymore. Hardly anything I can put a finger to it to call a me thang. It has just been that way recently. I don't feel like blogging, and when I do I lose sleep, Kimi doesn't start anywhere near pole position, or a lousy rave.

Maybe I just have high expectations. Maybe I just push myself too hard.

She said to me, "It's not about other people. It's about you. It's about your happiness."

Yes. I know. But that same idea is not something I will buy.

"Yup. I never got into it either. I'm too selfish"

What do I reply to that? I think everybody knows except the only person in the idea.

Don't conform to society. Conform to you. Yourself. Nobody is going to make you happy. Nobody loves someone who doesn't love herself (literally? *grin*)

I don't know if I'm beyond hope yet. I don't know if I'm a lost cause yet. I try and I cling so hard to not letting go of the only constant I have - my mom. my sis. and my CSI Supreme Sundays.

I don't want to put in the effort. I don't want to make it all shiny and new. I don't.

Does this look like a face that cares? Maybe too much.

I just want to be - never mind.

Rave Review : Rave Reviewed

2007-06-11T21:27:00.000+08:00

What happens when there are 30,000 bodies on one level of semi open air car park with dim lights, no fan or air conditioning and no where to park your booty?

It gives me a feeling of absolute Blade-ness. (Tuning in to Blade Soundtrack on brick Pod)

This is like the semi-darkness semi-sunrise part of the part they all run to hide underground to hide from the sun. Ha ha.

Ok. It was bad. It was stinking and everybody was just lying around the place, be it drunk or just beat. I don't care. It was an underground scene. And I hated it.

All except the part where Benny Benassi played the tune to 24. With Jack Bauer going, "This is Jack Bauer, CTU"

And small parts going, "The following take place between 1.00 am to 2.00 am"

Wow. Jack's voice. Oh by saying Jack, of course I meant Keifer's voice. Enigmatic.

Oh! Well I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees.
Ok, I don't know how that got there.

I went home to watch Elton's 60th birthday thingy and sat down to text when he said something about John.

I was singing throughout the entire show. Except when he sang Empty Garden. It wasn't appropriate to sing with.

And I cried when he played the last song.. And you can tell everybody that this is Your Song. It may be quite simple but now that it's done. I hope you don't mind that I put down in words...

When I got to bed early Sunday morning.. I lay my head and think, what would be my favourite Elton song? Would it be Livon? Would it be The Way You Look Tonight? Would it be Crocodile Rock?

No, it would be And I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues.

And then I realised, it could have been a pick me up song, like Bennie And The Jets or I'm Still Standing.

Don't know why.

Whatever it is, was, I think Elton is an excellent performer, an amazing entertainer.

I just wish I was more his time than this time.

Elton rated way way better than the rave.

Enough said. Next on, Kimi Raikkonen at Montreal! Okay.. Better Kubica than Kimi.

I am sick and tired of how lousy Kimi Raikkonen is.

Maybe he's only good on pictures, not with a great fantastic car like Ferrari.

"What a bunch of jokers"

Enuff said.

Special Ops

2007-06-08T17:31:00.001+08:00

I'm on the Special Ops again!

At this point, I have to keep telling myself : I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phi 4:13

Becoz last night, I actually brokw down. And found solace at the bottom of a glass.

Conclusion is, I am my father's daughter. And I told Jerri Berry that. Don't stop me tonight. Leave me be.

There's no one better to run Special Ops than me. There's no one worth. There's no one good enough. I'm it.

At least I get to reward myself this weekend by going for the rave.

The Unknown Errors of our Lives

2007-06-06T14:15:00.000+08:00

By now, I think everybody knows. Me and books and/or magazines are inseparable. And I wonder if allotment of RM 1K for tax exemption would be enough for me.

I have just bought a book yesterday : The Unknown Errors of Our Lives.

Says a lot. I have not started it. I am still with my Orson Scott Card Bean book. My last. Shadow Of The Giant. If it wasn't for Card, I won't be reading sci-fi.

I really spent a lot of money yesterday, with purchases from Borders, MNG and Jim Thompson. Don't ask.

Jaded

2007-06-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

It all started good today till I found info I didn't want to know. Then again, if I didn't want to know, I shouldn't ask. But I did. And since CW is CW, she told me. ha ha ha.

Let's stay with don't ask - don't tell. Or better, if you know something you think won't sit well with my unstable stomach, keep it to yourself.

I have had a rough day trying to pick myself up and pick up after someone. But I was told it builds character. So yeah... why not?

Maybe I could stomach more.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

My sissy

2007-05-31T19:09:00.000+08:00

My sissy has been facing a stroke of bad luck when it comes to her SLK.
Poor girl.. I think that car is due for an overhaul really soon. Just May itself, that car has ate up quite a lot of her May allotment. And we're both very glad it's June soon.

But you know what... because it's May eating into June, she's gonna be staying home a lot. So this will mean that there will be no weekend mahjong, there will be no weekend grocery shopping and there will be no anything.

And I've been looking for someone to go with me to the book fair. Ever since the tax exemption thingy, I have not stopped for even a bit when it comes to buying books. So I know I'm gonna go so crazy at a book fair.

But that will mean that I will be just like Jerri berry. There will be a lot of staying in. A lot of eating bread. hmm.

Last night I called my sissy and spoke to her for an hour. I have missed her so much. And yesterday I was home OOO. And she was my listening ear and my TLC. Which makes me really grateful I am still living with my parents. Pro and cons. Coz there are nights that I know, are not easy for my parents to take. And sometimes I wish it would have been different. If not for me, then for them. They deserve to know that their daughter is being treated well. And how many parents can stop blaming themselves if they're not?

I see my sissy tonight. For dinner at home with my parents. And. Ok. No further.

Sade

2007-05-29T21:26:00.000+08:00

If there ever was a reason for me to revive my dead-weight Pod, it is Sade. And today I brought my cables in to revive my dead-weight Pod. Just so I could listen to a little bit of Sade.

I think Qert put about 6 albums of Sade in there. It was all good. But it just isn't ideal for evenings in the office.

Time to get out of this office and go prioritize on something. Hopefully tomorrow, I will prioritize on my weekly Yoga and try to stay healthy and maybe gain a little bit of focus back.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Again, if there isn't, there's always John Woo's A Better Tomorrow.

He's to wishing tomorrow will be a better day. But have a feeling that I'm going to be right here again by 8 am. Strong feeling on that.

Am not too certain what else to keep me occupied for nights. I definitely don't want a repeat of Friday and Saturday night. Or a Sunday Kimi-failure night.

I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I should do a Grissom. Take a sabbatical. Move on. *shrug*

Weekend

2007-05-28T18:59:00.000+08:00

The weekend was unlike any other. For example, I went out with a girlfriend on Friday night and we went to a nice place and a nice bar and a nice band. At almost the end of the month. Nice? Almost. It could almost work if I didn't have a relatively bad afternoon leading up to the outing.

No. I was reasonably sober. Or at least my mind was. My thoughts was. I couldn't hardly sleep even if I've had a few glasses to help me. I went home, showered, dried my hair.. and still had time to sit at the balcony to contemplate things.. and it was 3 in the morning.

I was up on Saturday by 9.00 am.

There were many things and I was tired. The plan was to go see Eve with my sis and my mom. Then grocery shop, then mahjong session with Jules.

We picked her up at 4.00 pm and headed home. She left for dinner at 8.00 pm and I have been rolling around on the floor since we ended the session. I somehow don't remember much of it. Except that I bought magazines for the first time this year and was probably looking through them as I exchanged heavy texts over the last one hour by midnight.

No, those thoughts were relevant. The concerns were relevant. Just that me. I've never been relevant. I've never known the extend of how relevant this is, how it could have impact me and everyone involved. I just didn't see it through my thick head.

I was tired. But I didn't sleep till close to 2 am. And I wonder... if he is also having difficulties resting that thought..

What woke me up with a start was Sunday morning. I woke up to realise that it's probably the first time in two weeks that I noticed it. And for a while it was so scary. Till I realise what this etntire thing is about. It's no longer about me. How come the impact of that has not hit me?

I spent all Sunday like every Sunday. Spending it with CSI Supreme Sunday. Maybe coz of my reluctance to change my routine, it lead up to a bad Sunday night. But then again, when you're coming up against Constantine, no one is a worth.

Only one made it when Horatio was on.

Maybe it was all accummulative. Maybe everything added up at the same time that lead to my Sunday blast. But you know what? Maybe all I don't need is love. And I used to think that work was an ugly four letter word.

Kimi at Monaco

2007-05-28T09:27:00.000+08:00

Last year, Kimi did not finish his Monaco race. Last year, he had a long walk back to pit and probably a lot of time to think and reflect on things.

This year, he had a lousy qualifying. This year, he had a lousy race. And this year, he has successfully fucked up a good engine with his ever stinking luck.

Consolation for Kimi is, he wasn't the only one who didn't have a good weekend.

Fuck You

2007-05-25T11:48:00.000+08:00

Fuck you for spoiling a great morning for me.

Fuck you for making me throw my guts out after a good breakfast.

I just don't get it. With some people, I just don't get it.
There's she's harping on a Nokia XX00 phone and suddenly, I feel like throwing my guts out. And I ran to the comfort office to hide close to some feets. Yes, I know I am transparent but it's also true that I write what I feel like and I'm an open book to read. I am never a person smaller than that.

But this whole entire Desperate Housewives storyline is getting really really pissy. It's really beginning to piss me off.

At first it was all sad and teary and then it gets, oh-well, then it gets, gotta-move-on and then it gets, "why the fuck she gets the attention and I don't"?

Oh yes. Bargaining chips. I don't have that. I have nothing. I don't have a kid. I don't have anything contagious. I don't have any card I could play for my winning.

You know just yesterday we were talking about my list? Ya, let's do that. Let's do a 4 ticks again. I seriously thought that he was a bigger better person than that. Obviously I have held his opinion in high regards and it turns out just like the rest of the decisions he makes in his life.

Talking about bigger and better person, I don't think there ever was anyone who could beat The Ultimate.

So, yeah, tell me.. what's up with the blast from the past. Then what? It's not like you are going to make any dramatic changes to your life in your this lifetime. But then again, fine. She laid seige first and I will let her take and have what you are throwing her way. Then again, it will all go away anyway.

So what's the point?

What was the point in the beginning anyway? Why did I have nothing, nothing but a last glance back on some evening you caught me off guard.

I guess it was true I was so unworthy I didn't deserve closure.

And for a while, I almost believed that I was worthy. So silly. So dumb. 7 months later I'm still so silly and so dumb.

Sunday - Race Day!

2007-05-17T18:36:00.000+08:00

Ok... Deep breaths..

For some unknown reason, my Astro decided to break down on my floor day. So there goes my CSIs.. I was hoping that by 7 pm, my Astro would be back. Or else, what a waste of race day!

No such luck. Murphy is as Murphy does.

And as there was no luck with me, there was no luck with Kimi. Or maybe it was.. Kimi rubbing wrong on Ferrari.

You know how Kimi has always walked back to the pit since his seasons with McLaren? He's managed successfully to infect a great engine like the Ferarri. He's buggered it! The god-damned Ferrari that Kimi was driving had engine failure.

I guess for Kimi, his consolation was, he retired in the pit. With a Ferrari, he didn't have to walk back to the pit.

But since my Astro was buggered, there was no point watching anyway.

So how did I know Kimi's managed to infect the Ferrari? Sigh... Maybe it was because I wasn't watching the race, that's why Kimi didn't give it his 100%

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-16T20:45:00.000+08:00

On Saturday, we celebrated Mother's Day.
I worked half day, my sissy worked half day and we all met at the mall closest to home. Just the Siews. Mommy and daddy went first (by commuter) and then sissy and then me (all by commuter, just from different directions)

So we had lunch. And we grocery shopped. I bought a book. A book I've been wanting for a long time. But you know what, this year's income tax exemption for books and periodicals is going up to RM 1,000! So means I only need to keep my receipts. (La la la!)

I bought this book. And it is heavy (also expensive) and I wonder why I have bought so many books this year... (esp since March)

With my parents and sissy, they are too level headed to let me buy another gold handbag or something. They will just stop me. And if they can't, they'll just slap me. So besides this book, I didn't spend on anything else in the mall.

But what came the difficult part of all 4 Siews walked home from the train station with grocery. Try doing that. Really.

I guess some people will never be able to figure out what it's like living in a 800 sq feet flat. And some people will never be able to figure out what it's like lying on the floor on Sunday and having everybody else in the house tip-top around you coz the place is too small and when you lie on the floor you take up a lot of space.

I wish when I speak, I don't feel so self conscious about how little I feel about how and where I came from and what we still don't have. And why I work for a miserable amount of money and my parents still live in an 800 sq feet flat. And I still can't afford my own car. And how I still shop and buy shoes. And my priority is all wrong.

I guess the latter is the part I don't understand most. Why is it always me me me. Why is it always about how small other people made me.

By the time we got home, both my sis and I wanted to lie on the floor under the fan. But there wasn't enough space for the both of us.

Maybe my dad had lousy daughters. Maybe my mom didn't bring us up right to make sure we search customer database for name "Mon..". Maybe my parents taught us the wrong thing because this morning on the telephone with Ti, I realise that she was right. Coz she knows what I'm going thru and she shared in one sentence what she's going thru and I realise... all parents should teach their children that nothing is as important as their happiness.

If it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

If there are going to be consequences, but you'll be able to live with yourself. Then do it.

Like Toni Collette asked her mom in The Sixth Sense, I want to ask my mom that too and I want to get the same answer that made her cry in the movie. I want that.

And yet all these hatred within me for all the wrongs that's been made against me made me feel so fueled and fired up for the wrong reasons because I want to be able to sleep at night. My mom raised me better than that. Bigger than that.

Perhaps this is worth blogging, for the last 2 days, I have left office at 7.00 pm sharp.

You know what? I just don't care. I just don't care anymore.

Make me. Make me care. I don't. No matter what you do. Esp when I know the person I am going to disappoint is not going to be here to see me short-change my job.

I have never been a person to take advantage of my job or to let it be short-changed. I have always believed that I came in to this with the right attitude and the mentality already set to achieve this.

Little would you believe when I got my councelling at a foreign sofa, I was told that's because I have high expectations.

I don't have high expectations. It's just that the people around me are all *@&#)&%~(

So for me, the conclusion is : Good love is NOT on the way and neither is good help.

But you know what, mommy... You gonna be stuck with me when I choose to do this. I'm sorry to disappoint you. But I wish you will know that this is what happiness your daughter wants to have. And if she's going to be labelled and judged, be it. I do not want to live my life pretentious anymore.

I am obviously not as Bree as I thought I was.

What's wrong with you!

2007-05-12T12:56:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with you! Why do you have all these misdirected anger?!!

Okay, so last night you had this little Michelle Dessler dream. And then today you're overwhelmed by work again.

But it's not really.. exactly.. about the work, isn't it!!

You're just blaming it to whatever is convenient to you. Shame on you.
I'd have expected you to be a better person.

And that, is my first disappointment. That I let myself down. Subsequently, I know I will be letting down the people around me. And I don't want that to happen. It has to stop here and it has to stop now.

Start being mindful about things. You need to be a better person.

The thing about me

2007-05-11T19:45:00.000+08:00

.. is that I am a package.

Since yesterday, this dark cloud was floating over me. Due to some reasons, not one, not two but three decided to fail me yesterday. And I was really disappointed.

I used to really like my list. I used to really think that my list is good sustenance. John Mayer said, "good love is on the way".

And today. Let's talk about today.

Jules went on my behalf to French Fry to purchase my 3rd gold bag in the last one month. I was so happy. She's doing retail therapy on my behalf. I'm so happy I'm so happy.

I felt from bad to worse becoz that happy high only lasted for a while.

By 11.45 am, still early, I texted a colleague and said, "Let's go for something really expensive today."

You'd think I know what I was talking about?
I ended up eating at the Chinese Restaurant in the hotel next door. Now talk about really expensive to me.

Yes, that's it. No more retail therapy. I ate my heart out at a nice restaurant with okay food and many familiar faces.

After a hearty lunch, it not only blew up in my face. It blew up in Jules face.

At 2.30 pm Jules find herself alone, with none of the purchases she has done this morning and late on the way out of the city to get to work.

Thanks so much. I love you.

Julius : Good. At least you love me. I jt had a huge fight wid kk

Honey r u ok? Wat happened?

Julius : long story. got upset. jt left him n took train back2kl sentral. everything wid him.

Oh poor thing.. late for work?

Julius : Ya. Late. 2ml wanna go bangsar puiling wanna eat banana leaf rice v go drown sorrow. wanna come?

No it's alright honey. I'm gonna be working.. Come over tomorrow play mahjong.

Julius : K c how mayb no go coz now very upset cos of the...

Hang in there dear. U gonna be alright.

And then I realise.. it's the same for most of us. I needed Jules for a lift and she needed me for a lift. Unfortunately I couldn't provide it to her, vice versa.

I wish I am a stronger person. And I wish to be able to completely hide what's going on inside better. I wish people will stop short-changing me. I wish maybe some day I'd be worthy.

Maybe one day I will stop getting disappointed.

A First

2007-05-10T19:59:00.000+08:00

It's been a first for me, since this job. To be in the building, by 7.00 am. With the usual buzzing locker room. We just had misting last night. So every locker was still opened and flapping. Like the girls changing.

I miss having Chairwoman accessing the locker below mine. I miss having her close by. I miss having someone within the building. But she's moved on to a better place (perception lah!)

But basically, she's just moved to be the Chief of the Circus Act.

Ok - back to being early.
I like being the first one. I like being the first one in.
I like picking up the phone and dialling, knowing that I may be the first one in this office, but not the first one exactly.

I think this is a first time for me in this office, after a long lapse of a year - at least.

I miss my team. I miss them. I miss my children.

On Tuesday night, 3 girls went out for dinner. Okay. It wasn't dinner location. It was dessert location. But we made do with the food there anyway. We went over to the glitzy to pick up my Doraemon. My ex-butler. My ex-child. We walked towards dessert shop.

We sat down and had food and had more laughs. You know, typical girl things. Typical girl things that I don't get to do with Chairwoman.

For some reasons, people are always dependant. I'm not any different. I like going home to my mom singing "Mama mama!" I like going home and irritate my dad, when he's not locked away in his room. I like to irritate my dad, just like how he likes to irritate me by hogging the tv or the Astro remote. We'll see how he does this weekend. I'm going to spend Sunday on the floor all the way till the Chequered Flag! Hah!

We ended the night early. If I was with Therapeutic Dev, I'd probably been invited to sleep over. Then again, Dev and I go 10 years back. (ouch)

So I really think and wonder.. it's a great feeling. Should I do this again tomorrow?

Then again the next question is, I'm already permanent fixture - why do I want to even extend that?

Then again, everybody knows I'm in this for a reason. I'm peering into destination office. Is this worth it?

Is this going to help? Is it what I want?

Okay - next topic.
This morning, I browsed the general email and came across a familiar name. I checked my phone, the handphone number provided is the same. And I responded within 5 mins.
Then found out how glad I am, and he was, that I was part of this and able to help him smooth this all out.

I'm so happy. But I cannot tell. Doh.
A quick call to Kee. No, no annversaries, no birthdays. Oh. ;-)

Ark! Even a bigger reason to make this all work for him.

So all day today, we been bouncing emails to make sure my friend of more than 13 years is going to be esctatic!

So, fingers crossed... We'll hear about it next week!

The sweetest thing! But don't.. don't steal the limelight from Summer when you get to Dublin next weekend. She's not going to like it!

I'm glad I still have you girls...

Big show-off

2007-05-09T20:57:00.000+08:00

Why is it that every man in my life is a big show off?

Deslex, start with you. What did Kahlin Gibran said? Go read it again and again.

Ok - the rest of them men. I rest my case.

Oh yeah, on Monday night I went to ah beng bling bling pub and ordered brandy - neat. Ha ha ha. Anyone who knows me will know what I'm going to say next. "I am so my father's daughter."

LOL.

And me being my father's daughter, what did I promise him? Yes. I still keep that promise.

But you know what, the new N95 wasn't as bulky as I thought it was. But I don't need it. It's nice to look at. But I prefer something more... lappy-like. Ha ha.

Life is boring

2007-05-09T10:23:00.000+08:00

Life is boring with or without my blog entries.

So don't rush me for updates. At my pace, okay.

Lately, I've been spending so much money I forgot all about the lesson taught, need vs want.
Do I need it? I don't ask myself that anymore. The way I've been spending money, Julius is the one asking, "Do you need it?"

No. But it sure does look damned good on me, doesn't it!

Isn't that all that matters?

I am pleased and happy to be able to say, at least one person is looking out for my happiness.

Hey, pre-sale this weekend at Isetan. Julius is going to watch me buy another gold handbag...
No, I don't need another gold handbag. I just want it. Simple as that.

So many things

2007-05-08T16:03:00.000+08:00

So many things happened, I don't know how to update it in one posting.

In a nutshell, what I've acomplished :
Bought 3 books at the Times warehouse sale
Filed income tax for year 2006 on time!
Had dinner with PIL for 2 consecutive nights
Went to help out sale at the booth during Vesak
Did not qualify to donate blood
(Somehow don't remember what I did on the 2nd)
Went and caught Spiderman 3 at the cinema - for free
Grocery shopped and found my favourite biscuit!
Completed annual green-building, this time bringing a friend - CW!
Shopped for clothes - 2 tops and a dress
Shopped for handbags - both in gold (Curse of the golden....)
Watched Tony and Takeshi's Confession of Pain
Played mahjong throughout the night
Played mahjong throughout the night, with different set of kaki
Went to ah beng pub

Yeah... I think I missed out a lot. But it's okay. The nutshell thing not very nutshell also.

don't know. just don't feel like. still.

I just don't feel like

2007-05-07T11:55:00.000+08:00

I just don't feel like blogging lately.

It's not that nothing happened. Many things did. But I just don't feel like blogging. And I haven't been away. So it's just weird to me too that it's been 12 days since my last posting.

I don't think there's ever been a gap this long before.

But here it is again : I just don't feel like blogging.

Music

2007-04-24T19:09:00.000+08:00

Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on... I wanna dance with my baby...

Okay! This is song number one on playlist 1!
There is nothing better than to start my day with Madonna's Music. On Pod. On monorail. In crowded monorail.

I wish I could dance to it. But it is crowded monorail. Every damned day. Every damned time.

So this morning it was.. Huey Lewis and The News and one Stevie Nicks.
Also.. Rock Steady album.

When I was on The Island a day to exactly a month ago, I walked into this dark figure who held her Pod out for light and the other hand, had some popcicles. Hahahaha... I was hollering out at her. But she couldn't hear me, she had Nickleback on.

80 Gigs of music on her Pod and we found out she's also got Rock Steady....

Hella Good is a song I picked up on something I saw at some place that had this video of their live performance. (??!!) And Hella Good is a dedicated caller ring tone.

But I guess, he who doesn't call doesn't know.

Now, back to some difficult equations.... It just doesn't add up..

When x bothers you, do y... When x = 0 and y = 0 ... ?

On Text

2007-04-23T20:41:00.000+08:00

Received by text on Saturday 21st April 2007 at 11.58 am :
"Mahjong session at my house 10pm till late. Beginner, intermediate and trickster table available. Please confirm attendance by 7 pm. Sharon and Ken. Cash terms only."

Ark!

I was almost sold till I read the last sentence. "Cash terms only".

Okay. I would love to have an invitation to Sharon & Bee's castle. I would love to go be human mop on their floor and run Jay Venn around a bit and then hit the roof to see the skies. But to go there for a dedicated mahjong session to go loose some money, nope.

When I showed the text to Jules, she said, "WHAT! Did you reply to her, "Wait till I'm rich tai tai retired by my hubby then I'll come loose all my grocery money to you"."

Uh, no. I just said, thank you for the invitation. Maybe next time.

No way!

Again, the lesson to learn is.... search customer database.. LOL.

Okay. There Julius has been, hiding at home thanks to her chicken pox. So on Sunday afternoon after CSI NY, I decided to get her out of the house. All the effort from 2.00 pm onwards only resulted in a us leaving the house at 5.30 pm. Oh well. It is something...

So, it's the first time I saw Ting since the last time we delivered pots and pans to her. And that was.. almost a year ago. Almost. 2 months to a year. And that is.. of course bringing fond memories of James who is no longer with us. That's my last trip to Labuan, ever.

Ting being home and not vaccinated, has been keeping away from Jules. Which makes me wonder.. we are people who grew up in 800 sq ft flats. If one of us catch a cold, all of us will. No wonder I love Sharon's castle. At least she's got 3 tables taking up space and making money from all that beginners, intermediate and trickster tables. Sigh...

Sunday night Jules came over till 11.00 pm and I walked her home. And then she and her brother walked me home. It never ends. But at our neighbourhood, we are the same people who would wish we could raise our kids in better neighbourhood. But I don't think Jules or my parents did so bad with us. So it's not the circle of influence that is sometimes worrying. If you instill the right values, look at me and Jules... we're not so bad... Bad, but we still had each other. For now.

Thank you Jules for congratulating me when I downed spending from RM 150 to RM 40.
Thank you Jules who cooed with me as I showed you the pictures of the Pugs.
Thank you Jules who kept me company and is always there for me, that's a lot more than I could say for anyone else.

Thank you Jules for being my very own JT.

And yes, I can see your raised eyebrow even with your frinch covering!

I love you, you replacement.. Thank you.

Hug Some Pugs!

2007-04-23T10:39:00.000+08:00

Sleepy pugs... the most adorable thing ever!

We walked into Pets HQ.. because I want to see my pugs.. and that it was also raining cats and dogs outside..

Curious little thing.. He heard my camera click and got up to look at me.. Aww...

Okay. At which point am I not supposed to be sold already!!

Sunshine

2007-04-20T11:50:00.000+08:00

This is a standard irritating remark : Come let's go watch Sunshine with Sunshine.

This is the standard reply : Get the fuck out of my face.

There, should be able to stop any further cheekiness from anyone. Period.

My sissy the lawyer

2007-04-20T11:01:00.000+08:00

My sissy is with the developer's office. Or else in what century and what possibility could I now have a unit of condo in that place I now do?

Anyway, she's got this canggih title to her at this job. But as usual, the most difficult level to ever be at is mid-management. And who knows that better than the girl who is doing all the calls to inform, "I'm sorry we've taken your money and can't confirm your reservation".

And I have just noticed that it's always me that is the one serving my head on a platter.

For once, I'd like not to be the person who delivers the bad news.

"What?! She's still with that office?! Oh I hate her. She told me about the landslide and said she can't confirm my stay. Bla bla bla"

Yeah. I'm still here. I'm still in this office. Do you think I wanna be? Err.. for now I guess the answer is yes. Because from this seat, it's always peering above my cubicle to look into my destination office.

However, right now my destination office is very cramped up. Restructuring, as usual.

My preferred seat is now, not so ideally positioned as I would have preferred it. BUT. There's more to a job than a view.

Wait. Let's get back to My Sissy The Lawyer. So, my sissy has this habit of getting to work early and leaving slightly late. (sounds like our normal average disease) And on Saturdays, it's up to her to decide if she wanna go in, at all.

This Saturday, she's going in. BUT we gonna meet after work. And do some girls stuff together.
We gonna go to Pets HQ to hug some Pugs!~

Mom's gonna be at BMV for the potluck thingy, besides the fact that she heads Refreshments and will NEED to be there anyway; requests the presense of both her daughters.

What will daughters do but comply.

Long weekend coming up soon. Everybody's gearing up to get out of town. The head of Refreshments asks for help at the temple. Yes, mom. I'll be there to eat up the left over. Not so lucky.

Mom meant serious work.

For every year since 1997, I have spent every Wesak Day at the temple. Our Library Board then (secondary school) used this as a team event. (Yes, all Board members were Chinese) And every since 1997, we meet annually at the temple.

I hate Wesak Day for the one reason that they close the roads and we're blocked in. But then, that only causes problem for one person at home. My mom, my dad, my sissy, Tom and me, we spend it at the temple. One spents it at work.

This year, the solution is : Don't come home.

I have been looking forward to the volunteer work during this public holiday period. For the one fact that it feels me coming closer to having better karma. (psychologically makes me feel better)

Last week, I sat down with company and he said to me, "Your mama did something right with ya!"

Yes. She did, didn't she? I couldn't help but agree more.
Ha ha. No, I didn't sprain myself while patting me on the back. I couldn't even if I tried..

Limber ;-)

Being John Malkovich

2007-04-19T18:12:00.000+08:00

I don't think I realised or noticed much about John Malkovich was John Malkovich until there was Being John Malkovich.

He was brilliant in this movie. Absolutely brilliant.

I couldn't have done it better. There wasn't a person who could!

Yes, and the same year... Fight Club!

The things you own end up owning you.

Now, for a good word I used to hear a lot, also from Fight Club : Slide..

I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection.

Conquering Fear

2007-04-18T20:39:00.000+08:00

I think AR® taught this pretty well. Esp when we did the firewalking. We did the firewalking on the first night of UPW. And Deslex prepared me for it. He knew I could do it. He knew that I am going to be a Firewalker.

Which is precisely why I bought myself a Firewalker cap and initialed my name on it (the fact that the cap is pink is totally irrelevant) This cap cost me RM 90. Ha ha ha. Now don't ask me where this cap is. I only know where my Ferrari cap is!

Okay. So the moral of the story was : Deslex shared his sob story with me today.

And got me thinking. He really didn't make it easy for us Firewalkers, did he? But what he did was he got us support groups. If He didn't make it easy for us Firewalkers, what about the rest of them who are not Firewalkers?

I don't even want to think about it.

Yesterday, after the shocking new old news I just received, I shared with Deslex. And he said to me, gradually let it happen. Just start to put less meaning to it.

I thought I did. I really thought I did. For at least a while I thought I did and I thought I knew I did. But it really wasn't easy to remain in non-reaction.

It got me so riled up and panicky. By the time I got to the locker my fingers were shaking so badly I couldn't text. And when I tried calling Chairwoman her damned phone was dead. I called Jason. After I spoke to her about that, I said : Let's remain in non-reaction.

I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed

Would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
- Can't Not Alanis Morissette

I remained in non-reaction. For a bit. For a while. I was doing the victory cha-cha dance. (I remember Qert doing this after I got defeated by Finance and the same evening I received news on the then-boss going away for a bit) Ha ha.

Well, I did. Because along with this, I had a few other things to keep me occupied: My sissy at home. My F1 weekend.

Anyway, we all learn to conquer fear. I remember how I did it before I was a Firewalker.
Just Do It.

There I was, with Pau. And I took 5 minutes to catch my breath to jump down a height of 3 metres high into a deep end of 9 feet. Ha ha ha. Remember I cannot swim? Ha Ha Ha.
Pau pushed me aside and took 10 seconds to catch her breath and jump.

And I gagged.

Then when she was in the water below, she hollered up to me, "OH THAT WAS SO FUN I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!"

Crazy chick that girl (which is why I wonder what's happened to her since that earthquake!)

She jumped off that ledge twice. And I watched both times. I just stood aside and watched. (At this point, Pau, me and the guide has had a couple of those rollies ciggies) I still just stood and watched, despite the state I was already in.

I was afraid I was gonna knock my head on the rocks. But Pau's jumped twice. It couldn't be my aim was so bad.

I did it anyway. After procrastinating for about 15 minutes and watch Pau jumped twice.

When I got into the water, I had a rush of panic and they fished me out and placed me on a rock.

It was unbelievable. I'm going to do it again.

And I did. I jumped again.

Was that how I conquered fear? At least that fear of heights and water over my head?

But it doesn't mean that just because immunity sake I go and do it again. Because I don't think I could have survived another jump.

You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. What was wrong with me?
- Unsent Alanis Morissette

Yeah, for Alanis it was Terrence. For a lot of us, we could relate to our very own Terrences.

I don't think given the situation again I'd be able to do another Bree. I'm just not well composed enough. I'm not Kimi enough.

Okay. Forks in the road. I'll deal with it when I get to it.

For now, be glad that I just went for yoga in my new Adidas stretchy pants and top.

Birds of a feather, regretfully I don't flock. But I only just realise that with some people, refusing to flock is being hostile towards. Oops. Then you know she definitely doesn't watch 24. Maybe then she'd understand what hostile meant. Hostility. Hospitality. Maybe she mispronounced. Ha ha. I don't give two hoots. I've never regarded her, and I won't start.

Despite whatever you want to feed to me about this person, be it old news or new news.

Now give me one good reason to stop being who I am with her. And no, gnawing on the fact that I'm without compassion won't help.

In words of Rick : If I gave you any thought I probably would. (despise Ugarte)

Private Message

2007-04-17T20:42:00.000+08:00

It was a private message on a public easy-to-access internet address!

Ya, so when Deslex asked me, Yes what!!

Hahahaha.. Sorry.. I can't tell..

Wasn't that what Rick said to Ilsa.. "Tell me, who was it you left me for? Was it Laszlo, or were there others in between? Or - aren't you the kind that tells?"

"And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid."

I'm a sucker for bad endings. And I've always wonder why the sadist streak in me.

But I guess I found out today. How could I let news from 5 - 6 years ago affect me this way?

I have always enjoyed the music on my Pod, be it the Shuffle the brick or the slim one. I've always enjoyed good music. And good music was what I had, what I always have with me.

Some time last week, I was sitting at a dark spot with company while the music around us was cheezy. And I took out my slim Pod and tuned into Toto. I have 9 albums of Toto in my Pod. I think it was his first concert, no? But either way, Toto's a favourite (not mine) And I played 99.

And then realised another song from Toto ... As soon as forever is through.. you know the next line. I don't have to say it. You know it.

Right now, some gearing action, music on the slide phone : Aerosmith & Run DMC Walk This Way or some better rendition of the Led Zep tune with Puff Daddy's Come With Me.

Yes, I was asked that same night, what song was it that launched The Police. I replied "Every Breath You Take". Close. But not that. Oh? Really? Wait, I'm certain I have it on my Pod!

Got it. Message In A Bottle.

I told you. My music education is complete. If it's that good and that important, I'd have it on my Pod.

Then again, the person asking me that question probably doesn't know I'm stung with Sting.

I hate me being a Scorpio. But I do like it that I have someone close to me, same birthday, only 8 years older. Thank you, Jerri Berry for being there. For being everything I could want and ask for in a sissy.

Jules : Get well soon! It's definitely taxing. How could anyone have chicken pox at this age!!
Guess you'll not be coming over this weekend for mahjong. What am I going to do!!!

Ting : Welcome back. Glad that this time, you coming home to your mom instead of us going to you with pots and pans :-)

In words of Alanis Morissette : I love you big.

(Not Mr. Big on Sex & The City. That's Carrie's love)

The Answer To Your Question :

2007-04-17T16:03:00.000+08:00

YES!

Therapy Therapy Therapy

2007-04-17T09:27:00.000+08:00

If I can help it, I wish the therapy will not stop!

Yesterday I bought a pair of short skirt... demin is so in!

There's A Little Black Spot On The Sun Today

2007-04-16T12:58:00.000+08:00

Do you know this tune?

I know it from Alanis Unplugged. Wrong! It's by The Police.

On Saturday night, the gang that decided to go out, increased from 5 to 10. And we went out. Not to a place of my liking, but theirs. I like it that there is a dance floor. But I didn't like it that the dance floor is cement!

So, Saturday night... you'd expect Chairwoman to choose a place with R&B, no such luck! She turned it to my favour. ha ha ha.

It's Retro night!

There's a little black spot on the sun today

And I'm the only person in possibly the entire club who knew the next line to that song.

Just like when they played Queen and Depeche Mode.

And then they played, "You don't have to be beautiful to turn me on"

HA HA HA HA HA HA. I am probably the oldest person in the club.

The fun ended at 3 am for all 10 of us. But I know I'm getting too old for this shit. Why can't we go to places that doesn't tell me my age. Just go somewhere where they play PvD!

Which reminds me. My first PvD session. Movement. I miss that place.

Another one bites the dust! Ha ha ha

Gift Of The Gab

2007-04-14T12:28:00.000+08:00

Some time ago, I was informed that I had this... gift of the gab. Ha ha.
The only time I ever heard this figure of speech was on one of the songs on my Cats Soundtrack. Ha ha ha.

So, naturally I associated it to being.. cats.

No such luck!

It's the weekend again and for the first time in many many years, my dad has both his girls cramped up in the flat with their husbands.

I woke up this morning and had to que for the bathroom. Do you know how long it has been since that happened? Since there's been 6 people in this house sleeping at night.. it's pretty amazing.

Retail Therapy

2007-04-13T10:51:00.000+08:00

So, for lunch time, I decided to go make myself feel better.

And I did that with..
1. Buying some stretchy pants for yoga - So that I may continue to stretch at all possible positions.
2. Buy myself a sporty sports top - So I can look good while stretching.
3. Buy 2 pairs of shoes - Coz I just haven't bought any shoes in a very long time.
4. Buy 2 bottles of nail polish - I don't need them. I go to Jessie's anyway.
5. Buy some expensive Japanese snacks - And it's lousy. But just coz I can!

Retail therapy helps. I am a true believer.

Yesterday, within one hour, I spend RM 400. I am going to continue this afternoon.

Do I need it? No. But I do it becoz I want to. Most important thing is that I stay happy. Who cares how.

Shitty Morning

2007-04-12T11:25:00.000+08:00

Ever heard of a pedestrian getting summoned? I beat Steve to getting more summons in a month within a day!

Two offences. And I'm silly enough not to bribe!

I hate it.

I hate me.

Accidents

2007-04-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

On Monday morning, I decided to call Zmy and say, "stop ACCIDENTALLY calling me!"

When I called his extension, I was inform that Zmy met an accident and won't be in today. To my relieve, it was a minor accident. He's alright. Just need to get the car fixed.

On Monday evening, I was at the poolside. Getting a breath of fresh air. When my company received news of the accident that killed 3 person and one unstable, still unconscious.

This is the news of an accident that shocked the entire building. He's just left the company. He was heading towards JB to begin a new career. She was our irreplacable coordinator. And her parents were on the trip.

I'm sorry that accidents happen. And I'm sorry that there are inconsiderate people on the roads. I'm sorry that Cha Cha (as Qert affectionately calls her) is involved in this unmindful act by Ahmats.

If I was Cha Cha, I'd wish I never get better knowing that my parents are no longer here. And there it is, the truth. Life is so fragile.

This time last month, was beloved Jamie Morgan Anggang. This month it is Andrew and Evie Cha Cha. Who will it be next month? next week? tomorrow?

I spoke with Qert yesterday evening. And we were both very much silent due to the news we both has just received... It's a lousy way to be staying in contact, that someone's passed on. Doesn't this want to make you enrich your life better? Doesn't this make you want to be a better person knowing that it's a possibility that it could be the last thing you say to them?

It could happen to you. It could happen to me.

Here's my constant prayer, that God sends mindful people into my life.

Ha ha!

2007-04-10T17:48:00.000+08:00

Deslex Deslex! You couldn't be more wrong about that. Many thought of me and I thought of no one?

Remember the posting on your blog that you will be careful what you write coz of who is reading it?

This used to be my venting outlet. I have no further comment.

The tickets

2007-04-10T12:53:00.000+08:00

This are the tickets.. I even had spares to go around..

Notice that the C2 seats.. not even touched. While the Topaz ticket, I got it after someone went for qualifying and decided not to go for the race!

It's amazing that I have been working on getting one of these tickets for the last 2 months, and I had 3 tickets to spare by the time I got to the track.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

F1 weekend!

2007-04-09T10:59:00.000+08:00

I always get up feeling excited going to watch F1.

This Sunday, I woke up, stared at the ceiling for 15 minutes before I decide if I want to go or not. I was that lazy. Besides the fact that I am also bleeding... and that I'm already tanned from the holiday on The Island..

It's okay. I can get darker.

At the point, there's one ticket for me on Topaz Grandstand and a whole bunch of people I know who is on C2 Hillside. Great. How am I to decide? And we're car pooling this year. I wish we could just take the train. It's so much faster and hastle free!!

I thought about it hard and long, grandstand vs hillside.

And when I got to the mall area, I was sold.

I bought another pin this year. And I thought I was done and over with McLaren. That I'm changing colours. That I'm moving on. But no, I bought a McLaren pin. And stayed grey.

The guys I was with, Fuzzy and Rudy, bought me a Ferrari cap to change my neutral colours. See, I gave up the Topaz seat to go be on the grass with these guys!

I didn't spend a cent. On tickets, on food, on drinks, on anything. But instead, had a headache from 3 hours of sitting in the sun and a tan on my feet that the Crocs made.

The traffic was so bad that I only got home at 9 pm. Sat in front of the tv to watch CSI and then showered and sleep.

The Saturday was catching up with me.

I didn't know what happened with the race. I had no idea. Except that I still hate Alonson. And Kimi's finished a race on podium in Sepang for once...

Saturday

2007-04-09T10:38:00.000+08:00

On 8 am of Saturday morning... (The morning I intend to sleep in)

The "witheld" number rang 4 times. It's not even 8.30 am. Operations meeting starts at 8.30 am on Saturdays. Maybe Chairwoman was trying to get in touch with me. It's alright. She'll call back.

And I wanted to get back to sleep. But I did not. I pick up the call anyway.

It was a mess up. A mess up from The Island on the migration. Mess up. Again. DSM's guests. Again. Me. My fault. (not, but is)

To put this mess right, I called maybe 40 people by 8.30 am, and received calls and texts from my boss.

By 9 am, I think the mess is slowing down and probably settled. I want to get back some sleep. Staying up with Jack is not so nice in the morning!!

At 9.30 am, I was restless. I got up, called Jules, "Wei. Breakfast. I come over"

"Mm.. sleep. Good night".

ARK

Frustrated that many calls woke me up and many people .. never mind. I got up. And as usual, walked to the kitchen to find my mom. (habit)

She's getting ready to go the market.

"It's late. I think everything at the market is sold!!"

Mommy... shall we have breakfast together? We go Mickey Ds.

"Ok. I wait for you. Go get ready. Don't take too long. The market's gonna close!"

So on Saturday morning, tired that I have to get this call in the morning, glad that I managed to go to the market with my mom and then have breakfast at Mickey Ds.

We walked home from KL Sentral at about 11.30 am. We sat and we talked and we talk and we had coffee and we talked... On the way home we bought daddy lunch.

When we got home, we got the mahjong table out. Time to sit down and relax from all the walking under the sun!

"Jules. Wei? Hallo? Wake up!!"

"Mm.."

"What time you ready I wanna come over play mahjong"

"Hmm.. still sleeping lah."

"Ok. I play mahjong with my parents first then"

At 1.30 pm...
Jules at the door.

And the mahjong kakis changed. I got Jules her birthday gift. And I got Jules over to play mahjong for lunch.

And we didn't eat anything till 4.30 pm.

Jules spent all day at my place with me and didn't leave to go home till about 8.30 pm. They were going for the Hitz FM 10th Birthday Bash and/or Laundry.

I stayed in and put on my Jack.

My Saturday, despite being woken up early, didn't end till 3 pm.

F1 tomorrow girl...

Friday

2007-04-09T10:25:00.000+08:00

Friday afternoon...

Jerri Berry : Are you going home for dinner tonight? Let's meet for mahjong.

Hmm ... 9++ ok?

Jerri Brery : What's your mother cooking for dinner tonight? Tell your mother your sister is coming for dinner.

Ok.

Shine calls her mother..

Mommy, your daughther says she's coming home for dinner tonight.

Mom : Oh. What does your sister want to have for dinner? Oh never mind. I'll call your sister later.

And to this kinda conversations we have as a family, Chairwoman always ask me... "Isn't your mother her mother? Why do you all... ???????"

Yeah. We like to do that. It's ok. We're a tight family :)

Friday night I left office to make sure of my date with my sister at 9++. Indeedy there was mahjong. And we even had Baskin Robbins at the mahjong table.

I didn't sleep till 2 am. I was with Jack. It's alright... I will sleep in on Saturday morning and then spend the day with Jules....

So Sorry

2007-04-06T12:18:00.000+08:00

I am so sorry your Bali trip didn't work out as planned. And I am sure Daph didn't mean for it to happen.

Yes, surely she could have done more. Surely she could have fought back.

But not everybody is like you and me. Not everybody settle for less.

Your sets are still with me. I'll return them to you on Saturday when I come over with your gift.
Just make sure there's enough kaki at home for us to play mahjong!! That's your criteria to fulfill for making me come over! Or else I could have just stayed in with Jack.

I hate the first episode of Season 5. I cannot believe anyone would want to KILL DAVID PALMER!

But then again, here he comes to save the day!!

Mode today : He's The One They Call Dr. Feelgood...

;-)

Congrats!!

2007-04-05T20:46:00.000+08:00

Congrats to Chairwoman who is moving up up up!!

It doesn't matter if it's another 3 stops away on the train. You're moving up!!!

Hopefully the streaks of good news does not just stop there.

Happy Birthday Julius!

2007-04-05T16:36:00.000+08:00

I tend to do this late. I'm sorry.

It was Jules' birthday yesterday. I know, I keep reminding myself. It's the day after daddy's birthday. I set an alarm on my shiny pink phone to remind me. I set it at 8.00 pm.

Unfortunately at 8.00 pm when the alarm went off, it was sitting in a locker and I was possibly stretching many different directions.

Here it is, Happy Birthday, Jules!!

Muah! Many many muahs!

I'm sorry I could not make the Pulau Ketam seafood makan trip this weekend. Something more important has to happen. It's F1 weekend!!

Here's to wishing you many more wonderful birthdays!

And yes, you may collect your gift from my mom if you come over... Or I'll send it to you on Saturday.. Ok or not?

Pic taken with Jules' cybershot 3.2 mp Sony Ericsson phone. Cute little thing.

Yeah, right back at you. Happy Birthday!!!!

My sissy

2007-04-04T17:21:00.000+08:00

My sissy came back from The Island on Wednesday evening.
My sissy's car broke down on Thursday night.

To make her feel better, her hubby thinks they should eat out.
Unfortunately, they ate out at a kopitiam.

And her handbag got snatched.

Along with her nice Big Brown Bag, her Lumix camera with all her holiday pictures, her transceiver, her thumb drive, her cash, her two phones including my black flip phone.

At about 10ish when she called to inform us of that, the three of us at the mahjong table stopped and could not breath.

I provided her with the numbers to the banks, telcos, everything. I didn't even have time to ask if she's alright, if she's hurt, injured, something, anything. I didn't have time to ask. I didn't have time to even digest what was happening.

My hands went cold.

It was worse than receiving news of JMA's demise.

Such a thing to befall after a holiday on The Island.

I spoke to Ti today. And asked her how she handled it. She's alright. She's fine. It's not her that is resisting this. She's got a list she could refer me to. And then told me, "Girl, if you have any doubt, then you know it's wrong already"

Uh. Maybe coz it's close to pre-bleeding. Don't know. But some things, some smackings could tell a lot of things.

Whatever it is, breath right. Remember to breath. It's pointless going for every Wednesday evening's commitment if everything else in my life is wrong.

Eitherway, I feel like there's going to be more of bad vs good news.

Although it's F1 weekend... I could really do with a little more boost.. a little more.. restecpa!

Happy Birthday Daddy

2007-04-04T10:44:00.000+08:00

I should have posted this yesterday. But I didn't have time. My girl Flo was "ill". It's nice to be "ill" coming back to this office. The negativity level in this office does not entirely boost higher morale grounds.

I came back to a desk full of paper, scattered. A few missing items and a heavy heart in knowing where I work, trust and privacy was not high on their list.

I knew I had to be careful who I keep close to me. And who I did keep close to me. Because CW now is behaving like sh*t and. And no more. Full stop. I refuse to go there anymore.

I left the office in a hurry at 7 pm. Dinner's at 7.30 pm. And knowing some people, they can't always tell time, in an "I'm-so-important-and-you're-not" attitude. I know I'm not. I know this office makes me not a lot of things. But I settled. I settled for this office. In about 2 weeks time, is my one year with this office. And where have I been, what have I done?

There was no monetary rewards, many shared the same fate.

There was no recognition, many (except the pigs they have for CRO) shared the same fate.

I'm going so out of topic.

Last night, we took dad out to Esquire Chicken. And he had a blast. My dad's a rice person. Can't live without it.

After which, we went home and have a family mahjong session.

To celebrate his birthday, we were gonna play till the early morning. But my dad being just turned 65 and is the birthday boy, decided to call it a night at 11.30 pm.

His 2 complying daughters let him.

I can never imagine life without my mom or my dad. I can not imagine life without my mom or my dad.

Soliciting Prayers

2007-04-02T19:53:00.000+08:00

I heard this morning on the radio about the earthquake that hit Solomon Islands. And my heart just sank.

Pau who works there with her brother running her dad's shipping business, is on Solomon Islands. And together with the just-after-leave feelings, I find it difficult to focus at work.

The first thing I did after I cleared my desk a little, was to search for the article online and send it to Deslex. I am going to solicit for prayers.

All comms are down. There's no way of reaching her. I could only hope she's back home in Miri or holidaying in Aust or just shopping in KL. There was no way to reach her.

When Deslex heard from me, his first line was, "Ms Siew! Where have you been?!"

Okay. Commonly said after "Ms Siew", is usually people trying to be cute by rhyming it with "I miss you".

Doh.

But Deslex didn't pull that. Maybe coz I didn't give him the chance to. I just continued typing.
So here it is, the earthquake measure 8.1 on Richter scale. I need all the prayers I can get for Pau.

Thank you.

Kat, welcome back. I'm sorry I can't be at the welcome back thingy tonight. I hope you have fun anyway.

Maybe Gine will call me for annual dry pan mien soon ;-)

Be good.

Shine Some More!

F1 is back!

Force!

Never ending broken heart

Silent Tears

Being Outdoors

Unprecedented

New

Be Good

Joni and Shine

The Days Are Just Packed!

Keith

Calvin in London

3 in 48

Feed Shine

Kimi Does It Again!

Blur Sotong

Happy New Year 2008

Me's Cut 'Em Tresses!

Just arrived!

Cameron This Time Round...

KL Live and Loud 2007

To Singapore or Not To Singapore?

Life in Fast Forward

Kimi - My World Champion

Aged and Tanned

Jacky Cheung

A Weekend Never Before

Honey & Jones

Sunday Race Day

Honey

REMINDER!

Killing Me Softly

Madonna's Confessions Tour

Garfield To The Cure

His First Day

3 Girls In The Dark

7th Year Anniversary

*Cough* *Cough*

Up and Down

Good News

Books Books Books!

Impact

My New Obsession

Kimi Wins First

Serious Sunning

The End Of The Boys

Entourage

Oh My God, Finally!!

Over And Under

The Journey This Weekend

Dropping News

Feeling Like A Monday But Someday I'll Be Saturday Night

Wrenching Guts

Needing A Specialist

Can You Stomach It?

Chance

Rave Review : Rave Reviewed

Special Ops

The Unknown Errors of our Lives

Jaded

My sissy

Sade

Weekend

Kimi at Monaco

Fuck You

Sunday - Race Day!

Happy Mother's Day

What's wrong with you!

The thing about me

A First

Big show-off

Life is boring

So many things

I just don't feel like

Music

On Text

Hug Some Pugs!

Sunshine

My sissy the lawyer

Cough Cough